The Grouch's Trash Pile [Currently: GW2? idek]

Spoiler: A very frivolous and silly problem

Even though I don't make self-insert characters (even idealized ones), it's clear my comfort zone is androgyny because I've been kind of meh about playing Peaches. I'm still pleased with his design, mind you, but since he's representative of 'me' in-game even though he's not a self-insert, it's uncomfortable. Which is kind of funny, because my effeminate elf is also very Not Me, but it's a Not Me that's more comfortable to inhabit. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I guess playing a big, bara dude only works for me if it's a single player game, although I'll still default to twink if I have any option to.

I'd probably be happier if they didn't have that damn hunch, tbh, but the mod I have that keeps them standing upright while running and just standing is kind of janky -- they keep the head bob, which looks really jittery on an upright posture, and in cutscenes they start with the usual stooped posture and 'snap' to the upright one, and that's been bothering me. I should disable it, it's starting to bother me more than the default posture.

Here's hoping I like fem!Hroth, even though they're at least a year away. T_T

 

Just noodling, don't mind me.

 

Then again, I was going through and updating Peaches's portraits and got reminded I made this one



How could I fantasia away from that? ;_; He's too cute.

 

LOOK AT HIM! I am a fool.

 

I finally installed Leechblock to keep social media sites from eating up all my time and attention, since I kept finding myself reloading pages endlessly or reading a bunch of dumb shit that was just repetetive (how many arguments over tank mitigations does one person need to experience??) or annoying me, and goodness gracious I wish I'd done this years ago. The little timer it puts on the top left of the screen is so useful and having it go 'nope, this site is blocked until X:XX' when time is up is really helpful to bring me back to reality. Lots of settings, too, so it's really flexible.

I was going to try Cold Turkey but the free version is waaaay too basic and the 35$ paid version has waaaay more than I need. Leechblock is just about perfect for what I need. Not that it's going to stop me if I fuck off and play video games, but tbh I'd rather I play video games and have fun than have social media eat up my time even though it's boring or upsetting me.

 

I started doing the thing described in this post to start figuring out where I'm at as far as physical and mental capacity rather than just generally guessing, and I'm glad I did because I was suddenly completely squashed today. I woke up and knew it was going to be one of those low energy days but after I came back from a walk I was completely drained. Did I 'overdo' it by having a a mentally taxing (in a good way) day a day after taking a walk? Who knows, but hopefully some data collection will lead me to... some sort of conclusion, or at least something I can take to a doctor for evaluation.

 

The fatigue continues. ._.

 

wishing you a swift recovery, i know how much it sucks not being able to do much of anything

 

It's freaky to suddenly feel like a wrung-out rag and not be able to do anything about it. It just kind of happens to me sometimes, I guess! Which doesn't seem normal, but that's part of why I'm finally keeping records about it so I can get a solid idea of how frequently this kind of thing happens, how long it lasts, and if there's anything that might be triggering it.

Felt better but still kinda off yesterday, felt a lot better today, and got a decently long walk in. I seem to have mostly my recovered my stamina after that two weeks' worth of illness last month.

... And then I entirely forgot to post this for uh. Hours. Oops.

 

Usually I think I'm very milquetoast and lax compared to actual infosec nerds, then I run into people who don't know shit about it and don't care to know and I'm practically an anarchist conspiracy theorist next to them :')

 

I just got back from seeing Renfield and it was one HELL of a lot of fun! Unapologetically over the top with the action, silly amounts of blood and goofy gore (with the small bit of more visceral gore played MUCH more subtly), every actor in it was fantastic and Nic Cage did not disappoint. Also, to my considerable appreciation, the codependency/abuse narrative was not played as some big joke, but very genuinely and blatantly. And the cinematography is actually decent -- one thing that has put me off of recent films is how obsessed they are with jump cuts and fast pans to hide bad filmwork. Here, I could actually follow the action!

 

Oh, and the storytelling is really tight -- it's only 90 minutes long and it makes good use of every single one and doesn't overstay its welcome. I REALLY appreciated that.

 

Wiped on floor 93 of Orthos :( We got caught out by a minotaur -- our tank pulled it and was trying to drag it out of the hallway, but that was our first time that high and none of us were aware that the minotaurs on those levels will stop and do their frontal cone in the middle of being pulled. We sprinted, but... RIP. We'll be back at it next weekend, but it was still a bummer.

And then to add insult to injury, when I went to get my supper (pre-packaged rice porridge) I only saw J's wheat porridge. Turns out he'd eaten mine by mistake, the packages looked really similar and he didn't actually read the text on it. He feels really bad and offered to go to the 24 hr grocery to get me a new one (and he absolutely would hoof it over there and back if I asked him to), but at this time of night it's really not worth it when I have other food. I was looking forward to that dumb porridge, though :(

 

Job coaching did not leave me depressed for once, since I made a firm decision that I'll have better luck in general going back to being a professional nerd. So long as it doesn't involve sales, marketing, or ass kissing, it'll be at least tolerable, and there's actually a variety of options there for education. If I can ever get my Finnish up to a useful level I can see about persuing a writing-related degree then, but until then, I'd like to stop having to struggle along on unemployment.

Got off the metro two stops before my usual so I could get in a walk in the sunlight. It was maybe a bit much on top of the walking I'd already done since I had to do a couple of errands at the mall too, and my legs didn't want to work so well today, but it was nice all the same. Total distance ended up being 6 km...!

 

How bad I am at corrospondance: I had two and a half years' worth of unopened greeting cards sitting on my desk. Deeply embarrassing. Personal mail should be a delight, but it triggers avoidance in me. I'm trying to work on that.

This came up due to an impromptu and much needed desk cleaning session. There was so much dust, along with the endless amount of cruft that comes into being from being a scatterbrain. I'm still sorting things out... I have far too many notebooks for someone who hates writing by hand.

Speaking of which, my hands suddenly got REALLY sore after I woke up with first one, then the other with intense pins and needles night before last. Not great for someone who uses the computer all the time! I've messed with the height of my armrests and guiltily starting doing mobility exercises again, but that's not going to help unless I actually keep up with them. :|

 

Something irritated my skin enough a couple of weeks ago my face popped up a few... I guess you could call them acne cysts, but the technical term is probably something different since these aren't normal acne but triggered by something else (last time it was the shower gel with the sneaky wheat protein). I think it was the dish soap I was using to clean my glasses' lenses, and despite rinsing and wiping enough remained to finally make my skin freak out where my frames touch my face and by the nosepads. Anyway, these fuckers take forever to heal, which mean the three that clustered on one cheek and merged into one hideous mass are still there, and I have a social event to go to on Sunday. :')

I'm also really fussy that I need a new bra (or that I need one at all, fuck the weight requirements the surgeons in this country have). Wanting a light beige, UNPADDED sports bra is apparently too much to ask. I just want something that is going to blend in a bit under a light colored shirt or t-shirts with wide enough neckholes the straps of t-backed bras peek out of the collar. =_= I'd like it even more if it really compressed, but since even the basics seem to be asking too much...

 

Bad: I burnt the shit out of my finger last night making spaghetti -- the pasta water got REALLY gloopy and splashed when it was boiling and that shit is like napalm. I'm glad it's just a small spot because it's gone and blistered.

Also, the thing on my face is just... eurgh. I'll have to call the doctor on Tuesday, this is ridiculous.

Good: I made cupcakes for a party (chocolate with chocolate frosting and strawberry jam filling) and they went over magnificently, to the point one guy asked for the recipe. :3 I'll write it out for him tomorrow when I'm not so tired.

Party was great and about the only way I can deal with parties: less than ten people, sitting around a large table full of food and talking about this and that. There were all sorts of tea party-ish things to eat (and many I could eat! the host is very conscientious that way) and tea to drink and everyone was really cool to talk to. As J and I were leaving the host, who hosts a lot of board game nights, asked me what he could do to get me to come to some. XD I told him PvE games are my thing, I don't like competetive ones (yes, even though I'm a PvP gremlin in FFXIV, I like it because it's still team based) so we might do something with that. I could stand to get out more often, honestly, so I'm all for it.

Then I had to hurry home for my weekly deep dungeon run... where we wiped to something really stupid on floor 40-something XD It was honestly a group fail on that one, and the collective reaction was "... '_' welp. Weird how we're starting 30 minutes late, isn't it? >_>" It's all good, I swapped to sage since the shields might be more useful than raw healing, then we went back in and blazed through three floor sets. My aetherpool is now one point away from max, too :)

 

And today I feel like a wrung-out washrag. Ooogh.

 

Blister went down but the skin promptly pulled off, so it looks really angry. It's healing, though. Also, the nasty cyst thing on my face finally drained last night. It was........... gross. But it doesn't look so much like an awful contusion today and it's gone down a bit, so yay.

Feeling really stuck in my own head. Remember when I used to be mouthy and unflinchingly broadcast my opinions and ideas into the void? I miss being like that. I don't know WHY I've felt so incredibly 'pointless, pointless, pointless, it doesn't matter, no one cares' about so much as trying to hold conversations or write out that recipe I promised, much less actually write or edit, when it's demonstrably not true. I have plenty of ideas and ~inspiration~, I don't understand why this is happening :(

 

Ah yes, the depression classic, "why does nothing suddenly taste like anything"