When does one become another? At what point does cutting calories/dieting become disordered eating, and at what point does disordered eating become an eating disorder? I can say pretty confidently that my eating habits are not good. I gained a significant amount of weight when I stopped taking my ADD medication a couple years ago, but prior to that I had lost a significant amount of weight due to a depressive downswing that made me exhausted and uninterested in food. I went from ~160 lbs to ~145 lbs to ~180 lbs over the course of two years. Currently, I am ~145 lbs. Recently (in the last 6 months or so) I became very fed up with being overweight, and decided to severely limit my food intake. Severely. I was back on my ADD medication, and I was rarely hungry, so this wasn't difficult for me to do. On the one hand, I was aware that it was probably not a good thing to do. I knew (and continue to know) that if I told someone in frank terms what I was doing, they would probably be alarmed. I knew, and know, that what I was (and am) doing is very unhealthy. On the other hand, it has been extremely successful. I don't want to stop. I don't eat very much, but when I do eat I enjoy it and I don't feel ashamed, and I don't feel a need to purge after I eat. But, I don't want my private eating habits to be scrutinized because I don't want people interfering with my food intake. I feel as though I have a handle on it, and like I know what I'm doing, but I could never say that out loud because I'm aware that it sounds a bit absurd. I have noticed myself becoming a little more neurotic about it recently, which is why I'm going to ask now: does this sound like dieting gone slightly too far, disordered eating, or the beginnings of an eating disorder?
in my extremely inexpert opinion, if by "severely" you mean, "down to less than someone my age/metabolism needs" then thats probably disordered? or at least, not good for you long-term. i'm also adhd, and i get the "ah yes a food exists, i will devour" thing when i miss my concerta, so if you were doing that all the time and eating more than you need, then idk maybe you're fine with scaling way back from that? i'm not knowledgeable about the science of eating things also, apologies if you already know this but i feel the need to point it out: if you cut back your intake too much, you just trick your metabolism into "oh no its famine time, gotta hold onto all the calories so i dont die" mode, in which it does its best to gain weight rather than lose it, so again i guess its important what "severely" means here
It sounds to me very much like disordered eating that's trying very hard to become an eating disorder. Hiding what you're doing because you know other people would be alarmed even though you think you have a handle on it and getting neurotic about it aren't great signs. It's not good for you long term, and as @Everett said, you may be fucking with your metabolism. Your metabolism, once fucked with, is very hard to unfuck. It also sounds like you might have a distorted idea of how much you 'should' weigh, but it's impossible to tell without knowing your height and build (for reference: I'd have to be very sick to be as low as 145lbs, but I'm also 5'9" and built like an ox). I really strongly suggest putting on the brakes and talking to a competent professional (preferably a nutritionist) about this.
I am DFAB, 173 cm, and I have a muscular build that doesn't really deteriorate regardless of my current level of fitness. I am always pretty athletic-looking. By "severe" I mean that for a couple months I was essentially starving myself, often going an entire day without any solid food, or maybe one piece of solid food (eg. a piece of pizza, a bagel, a bowl of baby carrots, etc.). That was around autumn last year, and I'm not doing that anymore. (It is probably worth mentioning that around that time I also visited the ER for suicidal thoughts) Now, I am eating more regularly (as in, every day) and trying not to deprive myself when I am actually hungry. I'm trying to consistently eat a small meal in the morning and a small meal in the evening, and occasionally I eat meals spontaneously (especially if I'm spending time with friends). Snacks usually only happen if I skip my meds for some reason, because I have absolutely no impulse control when I'm off my ADHD meds. I've mentioned my eating habits to my therapist (without mentioning that they are intentional) and she suggested that my low calorie intake was at least partially responsible for my lack of energy. Which is probably correct. The reason I started this thread is that I've noticed my body image(?) fluctuating lately. One day I'll be convinced that I'm gaining weight and that I need do something about it, and then the next I'll notice my hip bones or my ribs jutting out, or my ring will fall off my finger. I don't like the thought that my brain might be screwing with my body image, and I'm worried that it might be a sign of a larger problem. ...Which is looking more likely as I read over my own posts and your responses. (Thank you for the input, by the way. I think I needed an outside perspective on this.)
I second what Mercury said - you should talk to a professional as soon as possible to make sure this doesn't get worse. The fluctuating body image thing is a big red flag. And I don't want to sound condescending, sorry, but you did really well to realize what was going on. I myself tend to cling to denial until possible, so I respect that you are addressing the scary thing.
Also supporting what Mercury said. 173 cm (around 5'8'') and 145 lbs is quite thin. For reference, I'm 5'5" (165 cm) and hover around 200 lbs. I could stand to lose some weight, but my blood pressure/cholesterol/etc is within healthy ranges so my doc isn't worried about anything but joint stress. For reference, at least in the US, 5'5'' (165 cm) and 145 lbs is average weight and height for women. I remember my gf telling me that a few years ago and it was a revelation (at the time I was around that weight, before antidepressents fucked it up). I thought I was grossly overweight, but I was average. I may be just repeating things you already know, but it's certainly something to consider. Western women's (also DFAB people) collective idea about what is "normal" is radically skewed by media, and it takes a lot of active effort to overcome those ingrained habits of thought. TL;DR, talk to a nutritionist if you can-- they'll help you figure out what your calorie intake /should/ be. And it's probably more than you think.
Yeah, your brain is definitely dicking around with you. I'm so glad you noticed it now! Please take care, and I hope you can see a specialist soon.
I really appreciate the responses, even though they are not really what I wanted to hear. (I think what I wanted to hear was probably, "No, that sounds normal, you are A-okay to keep doing what you're doing.") Thank you all. Now here's hoping I don't turn around, stick my head in the sand, and pretend this never happened.
If it's okay, I'll post another message to this thread on... next Wednesday? Next Friday? To remind you that there are people out there who care and want you to well. ime it's harder to ignore a thing when getting regular gentle reminders.
