i don't know if there is enough discussion about the 'mourning period' of diagnosis i knew that when i first found out about my autism, i became severely depressed, i don't think i left my bed for an entire month. of course this was a lot of internalized ableism... i thought, this explains why my whole life, i have been unable to handle anything, and it felt like a validation that i was inherently broken and tragic and that there was truly nothing going for me, that there was a reason i had been unloved, etc of course, the autism community on tumblr really changed that for me and now i see knowing i am autistic as something im very grateful for. but still i had a severe 'mourning period' that lasted for at least 4 months, and i don't know if that's ever spoken about for example, i also have found out i have avoidant personality disorder, comorbid with my autism and c-ptsd, and at first i felt disconnected from it, like 'alright that makes sense, cool' but the more i realize it's me - mainly through researching the avpd subtypes and finding one that hit so close to home i had a panic attack reading it - the more sad i feel, the more broken i feel, the more i find im aggravating my symptoms by withdrawing and hating myself for existing and it's hard because this is very different from autism, i don't know if i feel my mental illnesses are things i can 'accept' and 'celebrate' like i can with autism, because it's very different ... does that make sense? anyway, i just wanted to know if others experienced this, this mourning period of dealing with a diagnosis or realization you have something that is too real, whether its from internalized ableism or not. i don't think i have really seen a lot about it, but at the same time.. i think it's hard for most of us to talk about
Most of my diagnoses happened early and without my knowledge or involvement until much later so I didn't have the same experience, exactly -- but I can relate, somewhat. Something that helped me is remembering that the only thing that has changed is my level of knowledge. The diagnosis doesn't give you the disease. All the problems I had as a result of my illnesses were there before. The only new thing is a word -- which I can use to find treatment and support. ETA: and yeah, you don't have to celebrate something that hurts you just because it's an "identity category." No point, no sense.
