I'm just calming down from a panic attack while writing this so please forgive how messy it is. I am weak from having them so much and mild malnutrition x.x (only eating once a day because panic attacks attack my heart and stomach the hardest plus low on funds at the moment). So last sunday was fathersday and I ended up going to my dads church to show support and sort of... calm things between us. He teaches a sunday school class and I decided to go to that too... big mistake. The very first thing he touched on was the "abomination that is homosexuality"... which was not origionally in his lesson ... he just "suddenly felt called to talk about it." As he was talking all the other attendees turned my way a soon as he mentioned it and i had to keep a straight face (no pun intended). This followed into the main service where the pastor (who is semi widely known for a "crack the wrist" incident) intimidates me much... so much him even speaking makes me uncomfortable. That day ended ok with the guardians of the galaxy but i was borderline in tears out of panic anger and sadness from that sunay school lesson. the next day he asked me three times if i had learned anything form his lesson ... to which i replied "i think i will look around at the other sunday school next time" or just a simple "yes" if he pushed. When the 26th came I wanted to be happy so bad but if my dad even so much saw me smiling he had to know what i was looking at, what i was thinking, who i was talking to, what we were talking about, etc. just to make sure it wasn't the new law. my sister who has to be a different person infront of him (or maybe she is just different for me... idk any more)... started downtalking the marriages saying stuff like well i hope gay divorce is legal too for when they realize their mistake... Yesterday we got a really bad storm while i was at work and forgive me if this is tmi but they ... do things to me? I guess arouse me is the best word but more like in a feral way. I can hold myself in public but when i get home im pracically humping the sheets and that just gets depressing afterwards when the storm passes and im just there... alone x.x Today at work ... the dick from my first post on this site was working... i immeadiatly started having a mild panic attac becaues he wasnt supposed to be in untill 30 min before i got off and instead he opened with me. our new sub manager took me aside and calmed me down (though i was holding myslef togeather... i was just obnoxiosly pale... wich is saying something for me. She thought i was sick and i just falt out told her i was trying to stop a panic attack). i ended up telling her what happend between him and i and she said she would try to make sure we wouldnt be scheduled togeather again. those 5 hours seem like 3 days... i tried to stay as far away from him as i could and when i had to be on the register near him i tried to fake happy so hard it hurt and i literally almost threw up there. The day got easier as it went on... i finally left there... got some bubble tea to calm my nerves and went home. i started playing one of my games but depression started kicking in so it was hard to consentrate and i was getting too easily bored and upset with stupid things. then like just 30 min ago ... I get a text from a number not saved on my phone that says "Do we need to talk or something..." ...I deleted his number but i blocked him on everything but my phone... I sent a text asking who it was and immeadatly started having a huge panic attack... to the point where i stopped breathing for a few seconds... When did i become so weak.... why am i letting this stuff bother me so much when in middle school i could be told horrible nasty things to my face and just not care... i could just not feel... and i really wish i could not feel any more again x.x
You are definitely under stress, it sounds like, and that leads to all sorts of bs side effects you're getting stress from a lot of different sources right now, too, and that can mess with your coping skills. which could explain why you feel like such a wreck right now. also your dad is kind of an asshole, pardon my french. Is there a way to avoid the heck out of him, and/or get him a personality replacement
I live with my dad right now... and it is unfortunately the safest place for me to stay. There is not much of a way for me to avoid him in the same house ... especially when he has a no locked doors policy (he does knock though).
