and it's a fact that I am finding really hard to take right now. After a couple people asking what I'm going to do with my degree and the thing is... I don't have a plan. I normally always have a plan and that alone is stressful enough as it is. But I feel like there is is just no way I can ever be happy at any job that I work. Because I am a slow and methodical person and anywhere and everywhere fast paced is the best. Fast paced and accurate is the standard. I have poor working memory (short term and long term I would say are above average though. Maybe to compensate?) so I feel like asking me to work fast and accurately is like asking a guy with a broken leg to start sprinting. This isn't even touching the fact that I can't really drive. I technically can, but avoid it as much as possible because it gives me literal panic attacks even after I've developed (with zero outside help!) my own coping mechanisms to calm down as much as possible. I just don't think that is safe from a driver's standpoint and it cannot be healthy from a physical standpoint. So unless I get anxiety meds and take them every day (which would only help the anxiety and not WHY I am anxious and that is I don't have a good sense of time and space I would say it's a lot worse than my issues with working memory.) which already cuts me out of 99% of jobs anyways. All of my classmates are jealous of me because I get very good grades. But I feel so hopeless right now. I think "so freaking what if I can get an A in anatomy and physiology? You can drive fine. You can work fast paced. You get to win at life. NOBODY is going to care about the grades I get once I earn my degree. Nobody cares if you are smart if you're still slow." I don't know what I'm going to do. My prof (who is also a vet) saying a bio degree is basically worthless unless you go further with it just killed me a little inside. I'm being told that it'll be ok, I'll come up with a plan, etc etc. They don't realize that this is my last plan. I might as well throw myself off a god damned bridge if this doesn't work out. idk, I guess I could always have things worse. Hope I'm not pissing any of y'all off for saying this.
Have you ever considered attempting to get on disability? It's not pleasant but it'll keep you from starving.
It's not off the table, but I want to graduate college first. I won't be starving any time soon since I have family I'm going to live with. Me being on disability def wouldn't go well with them since they REFUSE to acknowledge that I am disabled in any way. Just think the things I find disabling are silly little issues I have to learn to get over. But yeah, I think that would be a better option than jumping off a bridge if it doesn't work out. and it's not to say that I don't have a plan. There are vague ideas that I think would be cool, like research, or conservation, or working in sustainable agriculture. But everyone I talk to makes it sound like it's totally impossible, or the jobs are nonexistent unless I want to get my masters in education and go be a bio teacher. Really people act like I'm being flakey and don't know what I want when I knew what I wanted before, made plans before, but then had to change them. And it's also hard because I know people are really being judge-y over it and I told myself I don't care about what they think because they've really ripped into some perfectly nice people before. But I somehow still care about what assholes think!
If you want to get into sustainable agriculture, you should see if there's any WWOOF farms you'd like to try staying over at - they give you room and board for volunteer work, and could talk with you about the ways that farms like that usually work even if you don't want to stay over. The standard option for people who do well in school but not so much in the real world is to keep going to school, go to grad school, and eventually attempt the tenure track, but the problem with that is if it doesn't work out you'll be unemployable at 40 instead of 20. To get disability you'll want documentation from everywhere you can get it, as far back as you can. Do you have childhood friends who could be asked about this kind of thing? School records with 'concerned about liminal's behavior'? It's hard without getting an official evaluation but I'm told it's possible. (Before you apply, though, do you think your parents would intercept mail to you from Social Security? That's an important security concern.)
there are docs that go back to kindergarten floating around somewhere. idk maybe things will be less pointless when I actually get treatment
ok so I have some more mental energy to answer your questions properly: I think I could technically qualify for disability. I've been considered to have some kind of learning disability pretty much my entire life. BUT I've had no diagnosis aside from my psych ones (anxiety/depression) which I know can be considered a disability but I also am not in (professional) treatment in any way, shape, or form at them moment so it might markedly improve with medication and therapy. I highly suspect that I have dyspraxia, but I'm not sure where to go to get an adult diagnosis. People have also mentioned that aspergers may be a possibility too but I am very hesitant to self diagnose just because I have a lot of traits (that overlap with dyspraxia anyways) because I have a history where as a teenager I self diagnosed myself with a bunch of mental illnesses like the tumblr kids do now and it... didn't go so well for me psychologically. I only self DX with dyspraxia right now because I am 110% confident in that diagnosis and that my whole life people have been treating the symptoms and not connecting the dots. This imo would would be a much more helpful diagnosis as far as disability because it impacts my ability to do basic tasks like driving. Don't get me wrong anxiety and depression untreated are hell and give me all sorts of cognitive issues too but it's something I've coped and functioned with with literally my entire life and I can count on one hand the episodes that I would classify as seriously disabling.
Honestly, untreated, they'll put you on disability anyway (hopefully - cases for mental disability are, I am told, rather difficult; you should probably get a lawyer to help) and then tell you to let them know how you're doing once you're treated. They might even let you stay on Medicaid even if after you get treated you start going to work - even the most braindead of bureaucrats could tell that cutting someone off from the way that they've been able to stay stable is begging for a relapse. Impacts your ability to do basic tasks like driving: is exactly the kind of description you need to make and use. Detail what your deficits are and detail how they fuck up your life. If you're not sure about self-DXing, you may want to see about filling out one of the autism-type personage forms this place seems to have floating around; I understand why you'd be hesitant about self-diagnosis given your history but you should try giving peer diagnosis a shot.
Seconded about the lawyer. My housemate has been denied twice for disability and he's seriously schizophrenic. He's been involuntarily committed because he was seriously trying once to crucify himself as a new Messiah. He just couldn't get a good swing at the nails. He's trying again with a lawyer.
I know some people who went on disability, most of them for physical reasons but the one who went for mental health reasons I know had to apply more than once despite several hospitalizations. results seem to be inconclusive with the seebs diagnostic. Which is pretty in-line with the other aspie quizzes I've taken that range from 50-50 autism/neurotypical traits to "80% of the people who answer like you have aspergers" (paraphrased) I was talking to my teacher friend today and sometimes I think it would be cool to be a teacher if socializing didn't wear me out so much. But I remember the one time in my life where I wasn't depressed and I felt like I was on hyper drive and could do things like work and go to school at the same time! (you know: like almost every other college kid). So maybe I'll have a different perspective later? I feel like my social skills have been getting worse while also getting better at the same time? Like I'm getting better at understanding people and being diplomatic and communicating with people I know but getting worse at small talk. Trying to socialize and not be the creepy person who silently stares at people during my volunteer time felt awkward as fuck. :x and I've had this problem where the older I get the older the age bracket is for people I can not-awkardly interact with. Like when I was a kid I could deal with other kids and young children, as a teen other teens and older children, and now that I'm an adult it's more older teens and children are like tiny alien creatures despite the fact that I'm not THAT out of touch and remember what it's like to be a kid. but you know.......... discounting those things.........
Honestly, once you get yourself into a stabler place, maybe treat your depression and anxiety a bit, you'll be able to tease out the threads a little better. You might have something in the area of ASDs like NVLD. Have you looked that one up? It might better fit your apparently poor spatial awareness.
One thing I will say is that the whole "I'll never be able to function at all in the world, everyone else is better and stronger than me" outlook is very symptomatic of depression. It's very hard to accurately assess your ability or potential when you're depressed. A year and a half ago, I was real fucking certain that if I returned to college, I'd never be able to get by. I thought the same thing as you - that people like me just weren't made for the academic world, that I'd have to just give up on my dreams and accept that I was never going to be able to achieve them. That I might as well jump off a bridge, because there was nothing for me. A few days ago, I just got done the best semester of school that I've ever had, executive function-wise. I'm not saying everything will go perfectly for you. God knows it didn't for me - the 'best semester' doesn't mean by any stretch of the imagination that I kept my room spotless, or remembered every assignment, or networked my way to the top in every club. But it does mean that I did so much better and pushed myself farther than I ever expected, and that I can see where to go from here. It sounds like you're tremendously smart (Seriously, A's in A&P? Well fucking done, bruh), and I bet that if you can get this treated and come out the other side, you'll have a very similar experience. (Also just between you and me, "I have difficulties in areas that a lot of people don't, but gosh darn it I just love learning so much that I want to push myself as far as possible anyway" makes a fucking great personal statement. Schools eat that shit up with a spoon, yo.)
Yeah. I am having a bad day today and feeling really frustrated with myself. I had/have all of these cool things I was looking forward too but now everything feels like a pain in the ass. I don't know, maybe I am just wallowing in self pity here but even if I logically know that these problems are symptomatic it doesn't change how I feel. Like the decisions I make are stupid, that the things I've been looking forward to aren't worth it, that I'm not worth it. Or maybe I was but ruined everything with self sabotage. That people aren't going to like me, that I'm not going to get my life together until it's too late. I just want to be a normal 20 something who can make choices and be excited about them and drive around and date people and enjoy my life because it's the only one I've got. I try so hard but feel so dependent on others.
