It's always worth checking with a pharmacist about whether the pill is OK to cut or crush and combine with a drink or food. Many can be. Extended-release type pills can't be, but most pills aren't.
If I remember correctly citalopram/escitalopram (Celexa/Lexapro) does come in a liquid form, and even the pills are roughly the size of my smallest toenail (and I keep them short). Specifically bring up at the psych appointment that you have a problem with pills and the doctor will see what can be done. Edit: Apparently Zoloft comes in liquid too. As does Prozac. Seriously, if you need liquids to actually be able to take anything, ask.
I'm guessing I should've asked for liquid stuff specifically, because I was seeing the shrink specifically to get a prescription for something that would help with the '3 pills a day definitely isn't happening' thing, and he knew this and never even brought up that there were other non-pill options. Kinda frustrating in retrospect now that I know that this stuff is actually an option, could've avoided wasting $$$ and time taking more pills that weren't a realistic long-term option for me. Also vague update type thing, I might have a job? I'm treating it like the job offer from my dad's company for now, i.e. trying not to get my hopes up because this shit goes tits up at a moments notice, but it's some positive news considering I haven't even had an interview for 8 months or so '_,
Ugh, now that I'm less than 24 hours from the appointment I am now freaking out and desperately trying to ignore the desire to cancel or just not go at all. Fucking anxiety. I'm pretty (VERY) nervous about talking about any of this stuff outside of how it relates to the job hunt, so I'm not sure if I should just offload everything at the start, or just start with what I'm comfortable with and then bring up the other stuff later? Considering all of my issues with anxiety revolve around avoidance, I'm not really sure about the viability of the latter... but I also really don't want to bring up everything at once. Maybe I could print out the stuff I mentioned minus #2 (because that's the one I'm most uncomfortable talking about)? I don't know. Brains are dumb.
On the pill thing: While most extended release pills can't be cut up, some of them can be split open and poured into something like unflavored applesauce. Stir it up and take it that way. I know I could do it with my generic-equivalent-effexor-xr back when I was taking it. You can get most drugs as a liquid, but the concentration tends to be pretty low because they assume that it's children taking the medicine, so a month's supply can take up a whole lot of space if you're not a child. Alternately, you might be able to find a compounding pharmacy near you. It will probably cost more and quality can vary a lot, but a compounding pharmacy can make more or less any given pill into a liquid or chewable. Alexithymia is one term used to describe not being able to know what you're feeling. Anhedonia is a word for not being able to take pleasure in things. Both of these are strongly associated with depression. Depression can be more numbness than sadness.
Just as an encouragement: I had no idea of what I wanted/needed when I started therapy. I was told by my boss/mentor/Korean mom that in the ordination process my abuse history was going to come up and I need to be able to show on paper that I was dealing with it. Hence, therapy. I wasn't unwilling to go to therapy, I'd considered it before, but I went in with zero idea of what I was doing and with zero expectations. Two years later and therapy is one of my favorite things I've ever done for myself. I was genuinely confused for like the first 6 months, like, "hmm, I guess this is nice, not really doing anything for me" but then my relationship with my therapist and my awareness of myself deepened so that I could actually notice. That's to say, not knowing what you need is perfectly fine, bringing up random bs is how I did it for a good year before we started picking out important themes. I guess just... expect this stuff to go slow? So... go ahead. Let them know you don't know what you're doing. Build up a relationship of trust, talk about what options are available, and then see what comes to you to say.
Thanks for the advice y'all! I had my first appointment (didn't try and escape it, huzzah) and it went pretty well. Obviously nothing really changed, but I guess the process of talking about stuff with someone impartial is kinda nice, and the therapist was pretty cool. We're still going through the overview type questions (she mentioned it was pretty common for this to take a few appointments), and when she asked what I hoped would be the result of the sessions I said that I wanted to basically deal with my anxiety issues in some way, especially as it relates to the job hunt, and doing something about my flatness, so to speak. I talked a bit about my issues with feeling things and she described it in terms of being flat, or something along those lines. I found that a pretty useful way to describe it. So yeah, I've got another appointment next week, and on the way home I had a decent chat with my mother about this stuff for what is probably the first time ever (we've never talked about it in detail because I don't really talk to people about it in general, and as she told me during this convo, she doesn't like to push). That was also pretty nice. I was talking about my panic attacks and how I have anxiety over the whole job hunt thing and she reassured me that she and my dad would support me as long as it takes, and that as long as I'm doing what I can she doesn't expect more than that of me. She was also worried about me thinking about self-harm/suicide, which she put in a way I found completely hilarious, but also put some of her previous comments in perspective and made them seem a bit less insensitive, I suppose? She asked if I was feeling 'cuckoo-lala', and when I asked what that even meant she replied with 'have you been feeling like you want to hurt yourself?'. I said no because I haven't, so she was glad, obviously. Based on some of the stuff she said after, I get the impression that maybe it's something my dad has been dealing with (he has depression) which is worrying. That said, the conversation in general was pretty interesting. Looking forward to next week and seeing how it goes!
I'm still figuring out the therapist front myself - first appointment yesterday too - but yeah, you definitely sound depressed. You're really hard on yourself in a way that seems very symptomatic, and that numbness is also symptomatic.
GEEKING OUT BECAUSE THE JOB THING IS FINALLY COMING THROUGH! Finallyyyyy. I am (probably!) going to be starting next week, most likely part time to begin with. I still have very little knowledge of what the job is actually going to entail besides using AutoCAD which is making me a bit nervous (especially since I know nothing about AutoCAD), but they are going to train me and as long as I am constantly doing a thing I am pretty quick to learn... and there's always google if I need a reminder of how things work. So yeah, I'm pretty happy, even though I fully expect my anxiety to start playing up more the closer I get to next week. A Hobo getting paid to do things is a happy Hobo. Unrelated, but I had to reschedule my therapist appointment for next week since it turned out she wasn't going to be there on Tuesday, which was disappointing but not really a big deal. Might cause some issues on the work front, though, considering a timetable isn't even on the books yet. The prospect of not being able to schedule things at my leisure... slightly annoying, haha.
