Therapy Bullshit (and the search for a new therapist)

So. I'd been feeling unsure about my therapist for a while. I thought her contributions were unhelpful, she didn't ask me questions or help me organize my thoughts at all, just let me rant uninterrupted except for some vague tidbits (last session's: "the abuse you suffered in childhood may have skewed your views of what normal relationships are like" NO SHIT SHERLOCK) and basically, googling resources online and talking to people here were being far more beneficial to my mental health than going to appointments with her, because here and in online resources at least I got practical suggestions of how to interact with my shitty life to make it factually better. Also, even though I'm trans and supposedly she's specialized in that, she never asked me about my name and pronouns, didn't have any information about the local gender reassignment program, nada. I felt more than once - and had told her in the past, and didn't detect any improvement - that she acted as though I were a woman trying to "discover herself" more, when I'm not.

I told her that. I was firm, and made sure to also tell her that it's not about accusing her of not being good, just that clearly our expectations in therapy aren't compatible. And then, she pulled a couple of major dick moves!

Dick Move #1: deflecting. She told me she feels this confrontation is me rehearsing the confrontation I'll eventually have with my mother about being trans. And it's good that I'm able to state my wants and needs before her just like I'll need to with my mom, and yadda yadda attempt to derail the conversation into me crying about my mother again. Did not work. I said I would only discuss my mother after she addressed the concerns I'd brought up about our professional relationship.

Dick Move #2: accusing me. I was being too impatient and expecting instant results (WRONG, DICK, I've been on therapy with you since March!). This was just her method and it's The Only Method That Can Help Me, she doesn't need to ask me questions because I'm smart enough to figure it all out for myself (WHAT?) and if I'm failing to see that...

Dick Move #3: trying to get me to see her MORE often. The whole problem, she said, was that we weren't doing enough sessions. If we went from twice a month to, say, three times a week (ABSURD, since I'm not suicidal, psychotic or in any way a danger to myself or others right now, I'm just a guy who doesn't wanna have boobs anymore) maybe this wouldn't happen. WHAT THE FUCK. I told her "nah I'd rather you refer me to another professional please".

Dick Move #4: refusing to refer me to another professional. If I wanted another therapist, she said, she'd "let me find one on my own and become aware of the difficulties in finding a suitable professional". Which sounded like a manipulative threat of the "you won't be able to do it, you'll come back here" variety.

I am. SO MAD.

I already reached out to a reliable friend - Luana, the woman who got my friend Gui set up with a good therapist after his suicide attempt - and she says that tonight (in 2-3 hours) she'll have recs for me, and also to talk to Gui's therapist, who might help me as well. She also had some choice swear words reserved for my now former therapist.

I'll post updates as soon as I have them, wish me luck!

 

Yeah, I don't know how else to parse #4 than that. Jesus christ. Good luck!

 

Wow. I don't have a lot of words, but good on you for standing up to her and getting out of there! Tons of good luck wishes heading your way.

 

christ almighty, from your descriptions dumping her and going full-on internet resource sounds like better therapy that what shes trying to shove down your throat.

best of success finding a better therapist.

 

Hooooooooooly shit. Dick Move #4 alone is unacceptable, combined with Dick Moves #1-3... yeah, fuck that lady. Good luck.

 

yikes, what is it with bad psychs and 'the problem is that we're not having enough sessions'?

eta: worth thinking about: what do you want from a psych? obviously someone who asks about your name and pronouns, but aside from that, do you want someone to listen to you rant uninterrupted? do you feel like you've got enough info about the local program, or do you want someone familiar with it. do you want an intro to a group run by the program? etc. it'll help you winnow people down.

 

For fuck's sake. :hugs: That is horrible. She is terrible.

 

Yeah I can't imagine anyone who cared about my health doing #4. "You're vulnerable and trans and your support system is inadequate? Yeah if you don't wanna have therapy with me then good luck out there, I know people but I'm not gonna recommend them or forward you to them".

Also the more I think about it the more furious I get about #1 especially. It was so patronizing and acted as if my valid concerns were just the white noise in my "acting out conflict with a mother figure". If I hadn't put my foot down she'd have entirely ignored what I said!

 

I just. wow. what an ASSHOLE.

 

Wow. What an ass. Like, damn. I'm so glad you have a hookup for another, UNDOUBTEDLY BETTER shrink because holy shit I shudder to think how you could end up with worse than "patronizing, manipulative, condescending pile of silicone dildos left together in a box for three months to congeal into terror dildo". Good luck and good vibes to you.

 

i don't have much to say other than wow your therapist is shitty, also
i feel like it must be unethical on some level for her to REFUSE to refer you??? i've had three therapists unprompted send me other people because they felt they couldn't help me. if you don't think she's helping but she actively discourages you from exploring other options, she does not have your best interest at heart.

 

Yeah, she covered it up with a thin layer of "if you don't think my approach helps, neither will the approach of any therapist I might refer you to". Which... is literally "mine is the only possible way to do therapy and it's not like there's different schools and methodologies out there, also, all people are exactly like me and it's not possible that you'll just get along better with someone else on a personal level"

 

yeah no that is just nonsense. also comes pretty much down to 'well if I can't help you, no one can help you', which sets off about a million alarm bells in my head and makes me want to ask if there's someone you can, like, report this lady to because that's really bad.

 

wow what the fuck. that's completely... wow.

 

It is [not exactly] a mystery how she might not have formed healthy relationships with other therapists.

 

Ahahaha wow that's some manipulative bullshit. Good luck with the hunt for a new one! Good news is, you probably can't do much worse.

 

Well, the people Luana recommended don't take my health insurance. And I am emotionally exhausted in a way I haven't been in a while. Just. This is a terrible day.