ok, so i've been pretty aware of the fact that i need to get back into therapy for awhile now, because brain is shit and getting shittier. there have been a few obstacles getting in the way of this happening. a huge one is money. another one is schedule. another one is family. but a few of these might be not as much a problem now, i think? Spoiler: cut for length, also brief suicide talk money: this was the biggest obstacle, i think. i'm not making a lot of money and my insurance through my job didn't cover anything mental-health related. however, job insurance has just changed and they will help with mental health things now! which is excellent, and while there aren't a whole lot of people in my area that take my insurance, there are a few. (and my insurance will still cover some of the cost for out-of-network providers so that's something.) actually, though, none of that matters currently because i want to go back to school, which means no job, which means no insurance. oops. schedule: my work schedule as of right now is wildly irregular, because i work retail and it fucking sucks. trying to schedule appointments was awful and my memory sucks so i was late for/missed several appointments with my previous therapists, because trying to remember an appointment at a different time and day every week on top of working different times and days every week was awful. but my hope is that i'm going to be going back to school starting early 2016, and i'll have a regular schedule then. family: since my family is really religious, i've only been allowed to see Christian therapists in the past (with one exception, and i only had one appointment with him.) and i'm gonna be honest, most of them were terrible. there was one i liked, but she moved to New York and beforehand said she didn't think she could help me so, oh well. and since my mom's always been the one paying i haven't had any choice in who i get to see. but if the money situation works out, then i get to make that decision myself. ok, now for the parts where i am Confused and Scared and Full Of Problems And Questions money: i'm worrying about this on the basis that i always worry about it, but also that i have no idea what to expect. i've been saving up a bunch of money so when i get into school i won't be totally broke (the program's only six months long) but i'm still not sure i'd be able to swing weekly appointments. maybe even once every three weeks or something is better than not at all? i have no idea. at least now that job insurance covers mental health, when i finish up school, even if i have to go back to the same shitty job for some reason i won't be as likely to have to give up any kind of brain help i found while i was in school. or so i assume? family: for someone who does it so much, i really don't like lying to my family. my anxiety goes up every time i have to construct a story, and i'd be needing to construct lots of stories to explain where i'm going all this time. plus i just feel shitty for lying. but my mom would be extremely displeased to hear i was going somewhere that wasn't specifically Christian-based. brain: because i suck, part of me is super excited about the potential for this because yes! i can finally get some help maybe! but the other part of me is like No, Do Not. the only reason i can think of for my brain saying No Do Not is because of shitty experiences with past therapists (first one broke confidentiality without sufficient cause, second one moved, third one was really condescending and icky and routinely helped my parents violate my boundaries, fourth person i saw one time told me that the root of all my problems was not being out to my parents and that i needed to come out to them right away. apparently i didn't make it clear enough to him that being homeless is a very possible risk in that scenario. and fifth one said depression and anxiety were the same thing and basically ended up telling me she couldn't help anyone who wouldn't try harder to get better, when i really thought i was trying as hard as i could. actually, pretty much all of them ended up saying they couldn't help me and just passing me along to someone else. i'm starting to get the impression i am somehow So Fucked Up nothing in the world can do anything for me.) how to therapist: so i'm not sure how to tell whether a therapist is a good fit or not. is there...some point in time after which progress should definitely be expected? how does one effectively communicate when a thing is not working? how many appointments should it take to know if you should stay with them or not? i have no idea, i always just stayed with people until they gave up on me or my parents didn't feel like paying them anymore. also, calling to make first appointment is really really scary. also, i don't know how to fill out paperwork? what even. (also i almost inevitably end up lying to therapists because the question of whether or not i'm suicidal comes up and i can't really say 'i want to die about 85% of the time and the other 15% is just numb, i have a method planned out that's easily accessible and has a high fatality rate and i have everything arranged in case of my death' without....getting in trouble, i guess? i've gotten close to saying something like that to therapists before, but they always started showing intense concern/distress, so i backpedaled.) this is super long and i am so sorry, but tl;dr i have no idea what i'm doing, adulthood sucks and i'm full of worry even though this is a potential good thing. also it's about 1:30 AM and i've been trying to type this for about two hours, there are probably unfinished disjointed sentence snippets everywhere, it's probably totally illegible, i'm so sorry.
I wonder if, when you talk to a therapist about mental health concerns, it might help to type everything down and just give them the full sheet. because i know dealing with people in person can be difficult and stressful enough without admitting imperfection at the same time. it's also - i know when i talk to people about my mental health tomfoolery and gender shenanigans, it's old news for me, but brand new for them, so they have to "deal" with this stuff immediately, and so many people are weirdly empathic. someone posted a link on the sexual assault thread talking about this - link talking to parents re therapy: yes, that is really difficult, especially with the christianity angle here. i wonder if maybe you could say something like, "i think i need a new perspective on this"....except i don't know how that would go down either. man. you want my parents? they're in MI, but you can totally have my parents. with the job, maybe you could go to an initial appt with the insurance-covered therapist, and see how that is not going somewhere that doesn't have religious or family connections? but therapists are difficult to find (i should find one when i'm out of americorps but i am very lazy so i may need a boost in 8 months or so) also, i know i've seen seebs say that sometimes when things start getting better, your brain throws up its hands in this last ditch effort to self sabotage you, because life as it is is scary and traumatizing, but at least it's predictably scary and traumatizing this is almost definitely not helpful, but you can totally have my parents, at least they're not nuts about christianity therapists and genderfuck anyway, i kind of have internet (finallllyyy) for like 4 more hours today in case you see this
writing things down might be a good idea. it's not so much admitting imperfection that makes it hard, i just get really anxious and my brain draws a blank. also, looking back on past therapist experiences, i've realized it's a lot easier to talk if i get prompted a lot. with the last therapist i had, i'd show up at her office and she'd say 'what do you want to talk about today?' and then i'd sit there staring at the floor, fidgeting and mumbling and not saying any real words. it's kind of part of the brain-drawing-a-blank thing, and part of it is feeling like i need permission to talk about things. saying 'what do you want to talk about' doesn't do anything for me; saying 'what was your family like this week' is better, saying 'what was your mom/dad/sister/etc.' like this week is even better. i don't know how practical that is, because it might be kind of hit and miss (some things might not be a problem one week and might be a huge problem the next week) but it makes it a lot easier to talk. my mom actually let my younger sister have a non-christian therapist at one point. my sister really liked her, which was huge because my sister's prior experiences with therapists often included her refusing to go at all and physically dragging her to the car because she wasn't comfortable with them. not good. but my mom had her quit seeing this therapist after awhile because she said she was 'encouraging her to be lazy'. i think i actually figured something out this week: i keep trying to explain brain things like executive dysfunction to my mom, when the problem isn't that she doesn't understand them, it's that she doesn't care. the purpose of a therapist, to her, is to make her kids as normal-appearing as possible as fast as possible. ....thaaaaaat got really off-track but my mom's general attitude towards non-christian therapists is that they're literally satan's tools sent to convert as many of the weak-minded as possible to being sinful heathens. confession: i still haven't really made any progress trying to set any of this up (besides just looking for therapists in the area.) i might start school in january, which would mean i'd be out of my job in december, which means no insurance. and i haven't met my deductible yet. so right now, i'd still be paying for therapy if i started, and i don't think my insurance would kick in soon enough for me to actually use it. the 'things getting worse when they start to get better' thing is actually news to me, so thank you for telling me that! now i'll know to be prepared for it. i invite you to send your parents to me by post. hopefully you can find a cardboard box big enough to mail them in.
