Heya. I have a bad habit of getting defensive real fast. Not entirely sure where it came from, but, it's there. I would like it to not be there: I'd much prefer to be able to take criticism, consider it, and respond appropriately, without freaking out that I'm suddenly a terrible person and I need to defend my actions or else I'm admitting to being a terrible person. The worst part for me right now is that I sometimes genuinely can't tell when it's happening. I think this usually happens when I need to apologize for something that's happened, whether by my action or inaction. When I apologize, I feel as though I ought to give the other person information or an explanation of what happened - not as an excuse, but so that they have context for my action/lack thereof. For example: someone says, "hey could you not do this thing?" and my reply is "whoops, sorry. this is why i did the thing. i'll do my best not to let it happen/do it again." Obviously sometimes the context is unneeded, and in those cases I don't give it, but I think you get the point. Other times I know I get defensive are when I am getting anxious/feeling personally attacked (often not actually the case, because brainbugs) - when this happens I usually try to take extra time to think before I speak, since I know my emotions are running high and getting in the way of reasonable thought. This is especially true when I've really fucked something up, I feel awful about it, and the person I've wronged (or someone speaking to me on their behalf) is rightfully talking about what happened. Again, I want to give my side of the story when it's appropriate. So: I am currently trying to remain levelheaded and calm when faced with criticism, reminders, admonishments, etc. I want to admit fault, apologize, and give context appropriately. I don't think I get defensive when I apologize; I could be wrong though. From what I've been told by people who care about me, I come across as defensive in the giving-context/information bit. How can I work on not being defensive? Do I disclaimer my text/speech with "this is for your information; it is not an excuse"? That feels overly something to me - cautious? eye-rolly? silly? I don't know. What body language reads as defensive? I try not to cross my arms when talking to people, especially in serious conversations; I try to be consciously open. I try not to rush my replies or talk over people (I know I also have this habit, because I often think-speak), instead giving them my attention and replying after consideration. (I don't always succeed at this. I find it difficult.) I know I blush when I'm anxious/scared, and I don't think you can control that? I also try to keep a warm and level tone of voice and a calm cadence, because I know I have a tendency to speak louder and faster than I think I'm doing, and I also know that when I'm nervous/scared/anxious I tend to go a little cold and use longer vocabulary, which probably makes me sound standoffish. But I don't want to be misunderstood, so I feel like it's unfair to not be precise. I also try to remind myself that getting things wrong/doing things wrong/making bad decisions doesn't mean I'm a horrible person, and so I don't need to defend myself at every turn because ... it's not necessary. I know there are a handful of brainbugs involved in this whole shebang, and those I'm trying to deal with too. This thread is more asking about what I might be missing/not paying attention to in my interactions with other people. Thoughts...?
So I don't know you personally and I've never read something where you're apologizing, but maybe you could ask those people: - is it the context/information bit itself that comes across as defensive, or something you do while giving said info? - do they find it helpful when you give an explanation of what you did? If it's the explanation bit that's the problem (I don't find it a problem personally, but people are different), do you think it would be helpful to you to sort of... defend yourself to yourself? Like, walking yourself through "Ok, I messed up with X; I was operating under assumption Y, but now I know that's not the case. I apologized to [Person]. I just messed up, and that doesn't make me terrible, and I'm going to do my best not to do that again."
As someone who used to be super defensive about everything, I'd say the thing that worked best for me was taking some time before responding, and having people close to me that I trusted to say "hey you're getting overly defensive" so I learned to recognize the feeling. I think the approach you have so far is really good! It just... takes time, unfortunately.
I also have a defensiveness/explanation problem I'm working on! For what it's worth, I've been told by a couple people I trust that they give me criticism because they want me to change or repair the behavior and my explanations read to them as "I have a reason so I won't stop." (With a side of telling me that if they want to know WHY I did a thing, they'll ask.) Since I can't seem to get a good tone when explaining, I've ended up making an effort to just drop that entirely from apologies. "I'm sorry, I'll stop" or "I'm sorry, how do you want me to handle it in the future?" is it. It's really hard! I want so badly for people to know that I did have a reason, and wasn't just being an asshole. But people seem happier when I manage to leave it off. (I still explain if my apology is, "I'm sorry, I CAN'T stop/change/fix it," since that's apparently how the explaining parsed in the first place and hey, if I really am making that refusal then they do deserve to know.)
