"TP&MA" Verse and "Is This Weird?" Verse Homestuck RP Mashup Extravaganza (NSFW)

Google doc log of the previous RP segment: "Oh Shit There's Two Of Them" (CW: Implied/Referenced Past Child Abuse, PTSD Flashbacks, Canon-Typical Douchebaggery - All Characters. This link is NSFW, and will eventually contain images as well as text.)

@Makizushi's "Is This Weird?" verse can be found on their AO3 account and tumblr tag. Mind the content warnings.

@KathyGaele's "Tight Pants and Maximum Angst" verse can be found on her AO3 account.

This post will update periodically. Happy reading!

 

~~~
Dinner was happening at a decent pace. John had assured his dad that any number of Striders would be thrilled to eat just about anything put in front of them, and Dave agreed. When "anything" had inspired his dad to suggest a variety of cakes John had bargained him down to two different kinds of pie and ice cream. It didn't help that Dave had loudly lamented the loss of cake until he was appeased with the offer of apple pie. Right now John can hear Dave mumbling almost non-stop while he shuffles around the kitchen, doing whatever small tasks John's dad assigns him.

As he finishes setting the table in the dining room John checks his phone to make sure he hasn't gotten any new messages. Karkat wasn't here yet, but he is more concerned about Dirk and Hal, who have never visited his house before and could potentially get lost. He's already given them an address and described where the street parking is, but accidents happen. Dave is the tiniest bit jittery about the whole thing, just enough that someone very close to him might notice. John notices.

He extra notices when Dave returns to haunting the cooling apple pie. That and a pumpkin pie are sitting on the tall counter that divides the kitchen from the dining area. "Hey, food done?"

"Nah, there just isn't anything left for me to do at the moment. I think we all know the world isn't ready for the kinds of culinary delights I might churn out." John leans over the counter and kisses Dave's nose. He likes doing that because it makes Dave scrunch his face and rub his nose on his long sleeves. While he's still close he tries to check in with him quietly.

"How are you doing dude? You seemed a bit on edge earlier."

Dave dismisses him with a quick shrug. "I'm cool. Hal seemed nervous, meaning Dirk is probably hella nervous, but it's just your dad."

John swings around to Dave's side of the counter and pulls him into the living room. "That's good, and I know, I just mean that there's going to be a lot of people and I thought it might be nice to hang out quietly in my room for a bit before everything gets going." It's just them in the living room right now, but he know how much Dave likes having a closed door between him and even potential other people.

"Sure man, if that's what you wanna do, I have no objections." John flits upstairs and Dave follows with his hands in his pockets. When John pulls Dave onto the bed with him it makes him laugh. "I see how it is, gettin me alone to have your wicked way."

John smirks. He'd just been intending to snuggle and look at random stuff on the internet together on his laptop, but this is also fun. "With both our families just down the stairs too. Scandalous." John tries to nuzzle under Dave's chin but finds that he's gone stock still. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing." Dave shifts under John's gaze and, predictably, cannot keep quiet for more than a few seconds. "Families meeting, just seems sorta serious."

"I think it'll be serious when they meet Karkat's family," Dave groans and slumps like he's been mortally wounded. "But tonight's just hanging out with my dad. I'm sure it'll be great."

"I just... Your dad won't care if either of them do anything weird right?"

John snorts. "I doubt they could possibly be weirder than you and Karkat were at first, especially Karkat." He grabs his phone to re-check for messages. Nothing's new, so he puts his arms around Dave cuddles him obnoxiously to try and cheer him up. From the grumbling he's pretty sure it's working. "Here, lets watch an episode of that show Jane has been badgering us to see. Everything will be fine."

 

"Okay, so we're down to the roomba and the grey silk tie. Should we grab something from the liquor store?" Dirk furrows his brow, and glances over the back of his seat to the pile of discarded gifts. Several fedoras rest, almost sadly, on the top. They're only one street away from the Egbert household, but gift-giving was serious business.

"Hm. Let me just check and see if any of Mr. Egbert's social media pages have a record of his preferences." Hal pauses for a moment, eyes distant, then shakes his head. "Nothing. The man keeps his cards close to his chest."

"Well shit." Dirk slumps. "I am not exactly filled with confidence right now, bromepheus." His fingers drum on the worn leather steering wheel, face naked without his shades.

"We have my stuff in the trunk?" Hal rakes his fingers through his hair, staring out the windscreen into the darkness. He's wearing a long sleeved red turtleneck sweater, and tight black leggings. No matter how form-fitting, the clothes lack the comforting pressure provided by his bodysuit, and Dirk knows it.

"Yeah." Dirk looks at Hal, who is clearly trying to keep his face smooth and inexpressive. He's not very successful. "It's not too late, dude. We can cancel."

"I'm fine. For now." Hal's circuits are bright, casting a crimson glow over both their faces. A ghost of a smirk flits over his lips. "Maybe if you held my hand I'd feel more grounded."

"Right, let's go. We're almost late as it is." Dirk feels his cheeks heat, and his hand drops from the wheel to fumble for the keys in the ignition. The engine kicks back into life, but as he reaches to move the car out of park with his other hand the fingers are claimed and tangled with Hal's. The android tugs, and with a groan of half-hearted protest Dirk lets himself be pulled across the gap.

---​

Hal is glad his gesture isn't resisted, and presses himself against the line of Dirk's body. It's a little awkward with the seatbelts, but still greatly comforting. Dirk is stiff to start with, but gradually relaxes against Hal as well. They stay that way for a minute, and then Hal tilts his head and presses his lips against Dirk's cheek.

"Not gonna lie, Dirk. I'm scared." His voice is small, and his circuits dull. "Stay with me tonight?" He hates the slight warble that creeps into his question, and follows it up with a forced laugh. "That is, if you can keep your hands off John for a few hours."

Hal doesn't have to look to know that Dirk is rolling his eyes. His snicker becomes genuine.

"Hal it was once. Besides, I very much doubt John's going to initiate a game in his dad's house."

"I'm not feeling very reassured, Dirk."

"What, do I need to do a pinky promise?" Dirk snorts. "I don't know what you're worried about anyway. If I recall correctly, you got a kick out of the spectacle." Hal unbuckles his seatbelt and shrugs it away. Dirk turns to see what he's doing, and Hal takes advantage of the movement to press their lips together. Dirk makes a muffled sound of surprise, but doesn't push him away. Instead, Hal is gratified when Dirk's hands settle on his waist.

He wasn't actually worried about Dirk playing chicken with John. And, as Dirk so astutely pointed out, he'd rather enjoyed observing the tail end of the last match. However. He was keen to remind Dirk that as enticing as the bespectacled Jake-looking guy was, Hal knew exactly how to make him tick. To remind his creator of this, Hal broke the kiss for a moment in order to nip at Dirk's earlobe, hands creeping up under the human's shirt to trace an old scar on the curve of his hip.

"Hal-" Dirk's voice was breathy, and Hal smiled in private satisfaction. Maybe this would be a good night after all.

 

///
Dinner at John's place with his lusus-ancestor is pretty routine at this point. Karkat parks his car, a device he'd only gotten certification for in the last few months, and starts walking. For some reason assholes always decide to use the street nearest John's dad's house as a parking lot, so he defaults to leaving his car a street over and dares any morons who want to attempt stealing his car to try him.

Not half way down the road Karkat spots a human couple in a hideous orange monstrosity gnawing each other's faces off in their front seat like furtive children in a crappy human coming-of-age film. The immediate impulse to roll his eyes and keep walking stalls out when one shifts to reveal Dave's ecto-sibling Dirk. The bright red douche sweater had momentarily distracted him from the lusus white hair and skin of Hal the android, but he recognizes them now. Those two are absolutely, completely ridiculous.

Karkat storms up to the car and raps sharply on the passenger side window to get their attention.

 

Dirk starts sharply when knuckles tap against the glass, teeth digging into Hal's lower lip. He tastes blood, followed instantly by a sting of electricity from a damaged circuit. Hal, seemingly not phased by any of these events, makes a keening trill against his mouth. The android's eyes flutter open, then focus on whoever is knocking on their window. The tips of Dirk's ears are blazing with heat and he finds himself wishing that he had taken a rain-check on this outing after all. This kind of shit is why he's a hermit.

"Hal," he says in a strained whisper, "Please tell me I don't have to try and explain seemingly incestuous make-outs to a police officer right now."

"Oh no," Hal replies with his stupid fucking husky voice, then winces and licks over his swelling lip. "It's just Karkat."

"Because that's so much better." Dirk smacks his head back dully against the window a couple of times. "You're shitting me?"

"Nope." Hal is wearing an infuriating smile and Dirk has a half-chub that his irritation at the AI's smugness does nothing to quell.

"Kill me?"

"Nope." Hal's smile broadens, and he sits back and gives Karkat a little wave. "Look on the bright side, bro. Of all the people who could interrupt us, it's the one who won't even blink at the pseudo-incest."

"I am so comforted right now, Hal, thank you." Batterwitch naked on a cold wet day, Batterwitch naked on a cold wet day, c'mon libido settle the fuck down.

 

///
Thankfully they've stopped molesting each other in public, but apparently neither of them has the sense to open a window or door. He leans forward and speaks loudly at the glass.

"Listen, I'm not yelling at you through a car door, it'd be a fucking waste. Get out here where you can experience the full majesty of my disappointment in your poor life choices."

 

Hal snickers and returns to his own seat.

"Gird your loins, Dirk. Unless you want to just put the car in drive."

"Yeah I doubt that'll work out well for us." Dirk rests his head against the steering wheel for a moment. "Do we really need to go out there and get harangued by the trolldoll?"

"I'm happy to continue as we were." Hal delights in the spreading red flush on Dirk's cheeks, and settles his hands primly on his knees. His lip stings, but the nanomachines constantly carried through his veins are already at work repairing the damage.

"Verbal barrage it is." Dirk undoes his own seatbelt, and turns the key in the ignition. He opens the door, and steps out. Hal presses his tongue to the top of his mouth to stifle his laughter, and follows suit.

 

///
Karkat steps back as Hal exits the car, giving him the opportunity to fully absorb exactly what Hal is wearing. He covers his eyes with one hand and then gestures at Hal with the same. "Oh god, I can already taste the shit that this evening is going to go to. Please, enlighten me, were you going for insufferable douchebag with that outfit or is the fact you're wearing exactly what I like to call the 'Kankri uniform' a delightful coincidence?"

 

Hal tilts his head to one side, looking down at his clothes. He's a little perturbed by Karkat's reaction, as aside from his body suit he doesn't really have much else to wear.
"Dirk suggested forgoing the compression suit outside of the house." Shit, now he's got that uncertain note to his voice and all that confidence from working Dirk up into a lather is seeping away. "This was the most presentable ensemble I could put together with what I have." He hasn't met Kankri, but the guy is a legendary douche and he's happy to keep things that way.

---
​

Dirk is relieved that Karkat's attention is diverted, and watches as Hal's stance shifts from confident and amused to uncertain and nervous. He feels a burst of satisfaction for a moment, swiftly followed by a pang of intense guilt. His fingertips twitch, and then he clears his throat. This is Hal's first real outing, and Dirk's been trying to get better at the whole 'supportive' thing.
"It's cool, dude. You look good." His voice hitches embarrassingly as he delivers the compliment, an almost prepubescent crack. He's not used to this shit.

 

///
Oh. Oh no. He was expecting the android to snark back, not become actually upset. All the Striders are such bulge pimples he figured... but he gets a whiff of the stress hormones pouring out of Dirk under the gross mating stink and regrets everything. Karkat's eyes go wide, and then he scowls. "It's not bad, I'm probably the only one who'd notice or care, he's my dancestor-turned-weird-family-member. That's not an inherently bad outfit, not even Kankri can contaminate an entire style of dress. I'm just the most insensitive case of walking nook rot that ever shimmied its way out of the brooding caverns."

He examines his claws and decided to try and fix his fuckup. "You guys know you're not on your way to an execution, right? Trust me, I had every reservation about meeting John's 'parent,' but he's genuinely a good person. Makes me regret my hand in humanity a little less."

 

Hal and Dirk exchange a loaded look for a moment, and Hal comes around the car to stand beside the human.
"Yeah he's not the problem." Dirk says, and his eyes dart away from Karkat's face. His shades flash from his sylladex and onto his face. Hal nods.
"To bastardize a popular idiom, it's not him, it's us."

 

///
Karkat shrugs. "That's what I'm saying; you'll be twitchy and freaked out and he'll be fine with it. Next time you come over you might feel better about it. I think I was outright hostile toward him the first handful of times John dragged me over. You're not the first set of maladjusted sub-adult misfits to darken his doorstep." Claws snag in the sweater he's wearing. It was really fucking scary the first time John introduced them, and these two don't even have John as a quadrantmate to make it feel safer.

"If you need help with anything, and, you know, want to make it exponentially worse, I'm your troll."

 

Neither Hal nor Dirk are in a hurry to explain that they're more concerned with John's father seeing through their respective facades and deciding that they aren't good people.
"Noted." Dirk says, word clipped. With his shades in place his face has smoothed back into its normal expressionless mask, the tense bunched knot of muscle at the base of his neck relaxing.
"I'm sure we'll charm him right out of his tight white collar in no time." Hal's tone is flippant, but doesn't match his stiff stance. "Strider's are known for their friendliness and large, healthy friendship groups of friends, after all. I am sure that the evening will proceed with no issue and we'll all be playing fifty two pickup by the end of the night into an upended fedora. Shall we get going?"

 

///
The not-so-subtle rejection of his offer to help registers loud and clear. Karkat shuts his face and gestures for them to lead the way. He is done forcing help on the many hapless idiots in his life, no matter how painful it is to watch them flail around in their own frothing stupidity.

 

Dirk opens the back seat and pulls out the roomba. It had been the work of a flustered, panicked hour to put together when the two of them had realized that they should probably bring an offering. Originally, they were just going to give a hat and tie combo and call it a day...but then John had replied to their messages insisting that they didn't have to bring anything. So Dirk and Hal sat down and built a robot vacuum cleaner. With wi-fi. And thrown it into the car with...several. Hat and tie. Combos.
Never let it be said that either of them didn't try to cover all their bases.
"Remember, it's the raw silk tie with the dove grey and cerulean banding." Hal says, taking the little robot from Dirk and cradling it.
"Thanks for the reminder, I might have grabbed the ash grey and navy one instead and irrevocably fucked up our newest pseudo-familial connection."

 

///
"What's all that?" Karkat's irritation is overwhelmed by confusion, which really just makes him more irritated. "Is it someone's wrigglingday? Did I forget someone's wrigglingday? Oh fuck me." Karkat immediately thinks hard about the contents of his sylladex and instantly rejects everything as useless for presents. GodDAMN it.

 

"Fuck." Dirk looks at Hal, lips twisting downward. "Is it?"

Hal blinks.

"No."

"Sweet." Dirk pulls out the appropriate dadly accessories and has a sudden and near overwhelming urge to put the hat on his head. It's a pretty sweet one - not his typical style, but it'd make a novel addition to one of his many piles around the apartment. He wrenches his gaze away from the headgear and directs it toward the troll instead. "We're just bringing an offering to the proverbial altar."

 

///
Karkat's face scrunches and his resolution to Not Help crumbles. "If it's not a gift giving holiday you shouldn't surprise people with things, unless they're a quadrantmate of course. Or if you've just come back from a trip and have souvenirs. Or- Hmm, there's actually a lot of exceptions to that rule, but anyway, in human culture gift giving is reciprocal. If you give someone a gift randomly they're not going to be prepared with anything." He hasn't extensively studied this relationship based bullshit or anything, human culture is stupid and dumb and shut up. "I mean, I guess he's giving you food so if you have anything edible in that awkward pile of potential presents that would work but otherwise you might just make him feel guilty he doesn't have anything to give you in return."

 

Dirk takes a moment to consider that he is being schooled on human culture by an alien. He looks at Hal, who has a mildly panicked expression. When John had told them they really didn't need to bring anything, their combined knowledge of Pre-Condesce popculture tropes told them the exact opposite. Food had just seemed far too...pedestrian.

"I didn't bring anything perishable," Hal says, eyes darting over the back seat. There's a half-empty packet of chips in there, and a few emergency bottles of soda that would probably function as decent IED's in a pinch after being stored in a car with shitty suspension. "Dirk. It seems that we may have overthought things."

"Nah, that doesn't sound like us at all." Dirk tosses the tie and hat back into the car, and the roomba is placed with comparative care on the floor next to the bottles. "Alright, so we nearly jumped the shark here. And we're late." He massages his temples, closes his eyes, takes a deep breath and holds it for a count of five. "You know what. Let's just go in and get this over with. Thanks for the divine intervention there, K-Van." Then he shakes his head. "Yeah let's forget I ever said that, it doesn't work."

Hal snorts.

 

///
Karkat does a stellar impression of an affronted cat at the newest 'human nickname' foisted upon him. "As the literal creator of your species you can go ahead and consider all of my assistance to be divine intervention from here on out. Thanks and praise should be directed to Karkat Vantas, not 'Kay-Van,' 'KK,' or," He makes a face and uses actual air quotes, "'BeepBeep Meow' thank you oh so very fucking much."