So... Had a psych appointment yesterday, and had the traditional Explanation Of The Traumatic Shit That Happened In High School. (It's a long story. tl;dr, hospital shit et al.) I was stuttering and shaking pretty bad when talking about it; didn't meltdown or anything, but it's pretty damn uncommon for me to totally melt down. And I'm just... still feeling really stressed out and anxious and like crying. Just... feeling like I've been through the wringer. I get stressed out when I explain it in text form, but not nearly this bad. Is that normal? Anyone have data on why this is worse? Because damn, it's uncomfortable. It's been more than twelve hours and I'm still holding back an anxiety attack. I wasn't expecting that strong of a reaction, and I don't think it was specifically anything she said or did, although I'm definitely also stressed out by talking about Mom Stuff because I feel like the psych's going to go 'you're just overreacting, she's pretty normal'. (Not justified, she's been cool, at least so far. I think this is on me, not her.)
Perhaps it's because you have to talk to someone about it, who's giving you their undivided attention? I know that is always hugely draining for me.
I have completely different reactions to talking about some kinds of trauma depending on if it's text or mouth noises. For example, I can be very frank about the subject of CSA in text, while out loud even talking around the subject sends me right into a dissociative state. Like, even thinking about talking about it can make the larger part of my brain go "Whoops, there she go. I am gone now, goodbye friends." One time I ended up doing a phone therapy appointment (didn't have a ride that day), which gave me the dubious opportunity to have my blog open in front of me while speaking to my therapist. There was a squicky dream I had that I know I wouldn't have been able to talk about normally, except I had the text description of the dream already up on tumblr so I just read it out loud for her. It was much easier, as in it actually got accomplished, whereas if it had just been straight off the cuff me describing it I would have stalled out. You might have some luck with writing stuff out or at least making notes so that you don't have the whole big stress of remembering, ordering, and communicating everything all at once in addition to dealing with the emotional fallout.
Mmm, that seems possible, at least for part of it. Thank you. Yeah, I always get more of a visceral panic reaction to people being upset in person - it's more at a remove in text form. So... I think part of it might have actually been that she was kind of freaked out, and I was only registering it on a subconscious 'oh no I have made someone upset' level. That does actually seem likely. (I mean, she was professional and all. But the stuff that happened was... bad, and kind of Adult Fear. It would make sense if she was a little bit upset in an empathetic way, especially since I was visibly distressed, and doing her best not to show it because Unprofessional. Hmn.)
@Beldaran Yeah, this, exactly. And I stutter and go mute when I'm upset enough, which is incredibly exasperating. ... I think that writing it down would probably help a lot. Thank you! Yeah, remembering and ordering when already upset is tough. The Stuff That Happened has been pretty much communicated, but like, regarding my mother, and if we end up talking about that Stuff again... nngh. I have a feeling it's gonna be a topic of discussion, it was sorta major.
@albedo Ahhh, goddd, the whole feeling the need to comfort people while putting yourself through the retraumatizing experience of talking about trauma. I actually had extended conversations about that with my therapist before I told her anything super heavy because I've had tricky experiences in the past. Basically, I told her that I'm very careful about who I talk to about what and when because the stuff I can tell people hurts them, and I don't like that. It's more often than not inappropriate for me to talk about stuff, and there are a myriad of serious boundary issues I need to keep in mind. Given all that, and given that I'm likely to be forced into the role of caretaker when my pain hurts someone else, we talked through the idea that I really do need a space where I don't need to be worried about the other person. There is practical stuff you can do for that, for example I communicated that verbal reassurances that she's okay help me to focus on myself and what I'm trying to get out, and she was happy to do that for me, etc.
@Beldaran Yeah, so much this. It's so hard to tell people how bad it actually was, because they'll ... freak out. And then they always kind of look at you differently, once they know, and I hate it. I have watered-down versions I can give people that don't sound so bad, at least. 'Oh yeah I had some issues with depression and stuff in college. Haha. Much better now.' But psych's knowledgeable enough to actually ask the right questions, and not get deflected by that 'haha I'm totally fine'. Which is a good thing in a therapist, but it's... upsetting too. That moment when you go 'haha yeah this funny thing happened' and someone goes 'fuck that's horrible o_o' and you realize how messed up your life is. And it defeats the whole point of psych stuff if you lie to them or try to pretend you're totally fine. This is... Mom stuff again, I think. Verbal reassurances that someone's okay don't totally help, because Mom would lie about it and expect me to read her mind and do what she's expecting me to to actually make it okay. I've always been on the overwhelming empathic response side of the sperg scale, but I suspect it's largely Mom's fault that the idea of upsetting someone is so terrifying. Totally undermines self-worth, I slide right into 'I deserve to die rather than upset people more', and also irrational terror of punishment because hurting people is never acceptable. So. Partially the caretaker thing, but partially... Um. Yes. That. I think I would actually be... less panicky about upsetting people if, say, there were a glass wall that kept them from touching me, which seems indicative. I still don't like it, still empathic response and all that. But it wouldn't be so terrifying.
There are some things that when I talk about them my overwhelming feeling is argh no don't look at me and I've found that a big hoodie helps with that. My therapist has also offered the blanket she keeps in her office because she's sweet. If you communicate about how sharing this stuff is for your before actually talking about it you can work out a lot of personal accommodations. I honestly spent weeks just hashing out "I feel uncomfortable talking about this stuff for reasons a, b, and c." and basically problem solving so that I didn't have to put myself under undue stress. Also, yeah, my mom was the same, hence being assigned 'caretaker' when I was the one upset. It was either take care of her or get in hella deep trouble so you can guess which I opted for. In any case, there is no reason for you to jump right to directly talking about the traumatic events. Talking about talking about that stuff was actually incredibly helpful for me, helped my therapist understand me on a much deeper level than just getting the quick and dirty story, and helped me build the trust to slowly start talking about stuff more directly. I mean, there isn't any reason to keep back any of what it's like for you to talk about this stuff. I'm allistic, but I cannot look at people in the eye while talking about some stuff. I also self monitor in a hyper-vigilant way and so my brain was screaming rude rude rude when I was glaring at the carpet instead of looking at her. I explained exactly that situation to her, and just having it out there was helpful. Permission to not look at her while talking didn't immediately make me feel like less of a rude ass, but over time not getting reprimanded for it and remembering the conversation where she said it was okay all built into a trust that yeah, I can look wherever I please when I'm talking. That's all to say that, if you want, your therapy experience can be about unlearning some of this fear if you make it explicit, and that'll contribute a lot to your general recovery and feelings of safety.
Parents. Did your mom do the 'I AM THE WORST PARENT EVER I'LL JUST LEAVE YOU ALONE BECAUSE YOU OBVIOUSLY HATE ME' thing? =_= Like an idiot, I pretty much just told the whole Bad Shit In High School thing, because I wasn't expecting to flip out so badly. Since it's fine in text. And now can't stop freaking out, which is really rather uncomfortable. Definitely will keep in mind for other stuff, though. That whole Thing is actually not culturally loaded, so there's not so much... trust necessary? I mean, everyone will just go 'oh poor thing that is a sucky thing that happened', it's not... the sort of thing one is culturally expected to keep secret. And I'm kind of an open book, so I just... yeah, said the whole thing. Spoiler: spoiler cutting shortform explanation so I don't have to read it more than once Short version, Dad got pancreatic cancer and had major surgery and then also an arterial bleed and was in a coma for a week and almost died and my parents were hundreds of miles away at the hospital for a month and also Mom kept lying about what was actually happening and then it would turn out that it was actually worse than she was saying it was and also I had to run the house and do all the chores and couldn't drive yet so was panicking about having enough food and also my grampa broke his hip and almost died and my aunt died and another aunt had breast cancer and about a dozen family friends and neighbors got cancer or died and also I had five AP tests and finals and also this creepy boy was stalking me and also my entire social group had exploded so I didn't have any support network and didn't tell anyone about what was happening. All in the same two months. So. Uh. It's a sucky thing. But not a loaded thing, so much?
RE: Worst parent ever, wweh: YES, except mine had to go and escalate it to suicide threats, and sometimes murder/suicide threats. Suicide threats don't work on me now kids, this is why. As for the bad high school times, ugh that sucks. My mom pulled something similar with my aunt when I was overseas for university; she just straight up didn't tell me my aunt was sick, or that she'd passed away, or that her funeral was happening until after it was over. Let me tell you, I could have done without all that during an already stressful study abroad program. In any case, being an open book about the facts is interesting, and I don't think you were an idiot for sharing it without a bunch of prep. But talking about how it felt to share and exploring why it felt that way could be really helpful for you I think. I mean, that shit was more helpful for me than actually talking about the facts of what went down, and I've repeatedly amazed Seebs with my successful recovery so if I can pass on any tips that would be one.
Jeez. Parents. Worst parent ever indeed. Mmm. Mom was doing it for 'we must PROTECT THE CHILDREN' reasons, which is better than active malice, I guess, but... ugh. No fun. I hate lying and keeping secrets; probably partially a sperg thing, partially because I kept my mental health issues secret from my relatives for so long and I strongly associate it with that. I'm self-flagellating with the 'augh I'm stupid', sorry about that; I'm stressed out and tend to express it through beating up on myself. I think that definitely makes sense; I'll have to bring that up next time. Thank you.
