So I have this experience where I feel like I am more disconnected from the world than I could be. I think it's west described by feeling like I'm in a dream - you know the difference between your mental state and general awareness when you're dreaming and when you're awake? I feel like there is another level of "waking up" I could do that would bring me to the peel of reality-experiencing everyone else is at. Living life in a bubble / observing it through a haze also make sense as metaphors. It's not depersonalization or derealization, because I never get the sense that either me or the world is not real; there is just a disconnection. I can pinpoint an exact night - eight years ago by now - when it started happening. I was 11, I think. I was out to dinner with my family, and it was late and I was getting tired and I'm not sure if the haziness started that evening or if it was just me being tired. That night, as I was going to bed, I was thinking philosophical thoughts about my place in the world, and how I could give back to it; I remember the phrase "take 5 steps back from your life". And the next morning I wasn't as fully in the world as I was the day before. It was like flipping a switch, and remembering this moment gives me confidence that it's a thing that actually happened and not just me misinterpreting what everyone else feels. So one of the possible explanations I had was that my mind had "taken five steps back" in a way I completely did not intend. A second explanation possibly relates it to going through puberty, as it was around that time. There's also its interaction with time spent staring at computer/television screens: I feel hazier but also more aware of my disconnection, and sometimes like I'm about to push through it, after watching a lot of TV or being on the computer for a while. In the time just after the thing happened, I tried to separate myself from the computer enough to "break free", but I was never able to resist the urge for long enough to get a good read on whether this is possible. And now I'm in college with too much homework on computers for that to be practical to do, even when I really want to. I'm sharing because I am wondering if anyone has had / has heard of experiences similar to this and also because it's an interesting weird brain thing that I suspect members of this subforum would be interested in. So, thoughts?
I have heard that is a symptom of depression. If you have any other depression symptoms, that could be it(not very interesting, but a possible answer). Beyond that, I'm afraid I don't have any suggestions.
Weirdly enough, I'd never thought to think of it in connection with depression. But that would make a lot of sense. It did start happening years before most of the other symptoms, but that doesn't mean it's unrelated. Thanks for the suggestion.
I think the word that describes what you're talking about is dissociation. It can be associated with a whole lot of things, trauma and depression are probably the most common. I don't have them often anymore, but I used to have episodes of that. It would feel like there was a glass wall between me and the world, and I was just sort of piloting my body rather than being in it. Mindfulness exercises were the first thing that wasn't blatantly unhealthy that helped with that. Here's an example one with eating a raisin.
I've always had "dissociation" pretty inextricably linked with trauma in my head, and I haven't experienced any, so I haven't really been considering that as an option. But if it can be experienced separately from trauma (dissociated from it, if you will)... what you describe sounds like what's happening to me, so that could be it. And I always have intuited that focusing on parts of the world might be helpful, but not really been confident that they would, so I'm totally gonna try some now. Thanks!
I think it is a pretty common experience. Most religions have a recruitment mode where they describe mild dissociation, then say "feel like this? Here is the cure!" I have read lots of new age stuff like that. Sometimes that "floating through life not quite awake" feeling comes after a peak experience of some sort: a burst of political activism culminating in a successful event, being in a play that goes well and the cast and crew bond, an absorbing school group project, a really good vacation or trip. Sometimes it comes after drugs, drink or an intense sexual fling. It is obviously a concern if it is strong enough to affect your motivation in every day life, or just stretches on too long, or forms a pattern of mood swings, or is connected with something worrisome like depression or trauma. (Not a therapist, so don't give this undue weight.)
I've never had any Stereotypical Traumatic Experiences aside from some bullying in elementary school (but as far as I know that's not what made my brain go wrong). I was just really, really depressed. But yeah mindfulness exercises helped me. Particularly ones that concentrate heavily on tactile/scent/taste sensory input. Visual and auditory things were really unreliable and really early on they backfired spectacularly a few times, probably because they process relatively okay even when you feel like you're not really in your body. Concentrating on eating food, touching various surfaces and thinking about how they feel... Taking a hot or cold shower worked for me but for some people it's easy to crank the temperature up or down too far and end up going away again. It sounds like this is an all-the-time thing rather than that you're having episodes, though, so I don't know how similar this would really be.
