since im completely fucked up by this place that I told my thearpist was so fucking grest maybr somr of you can tell me how to explain to her why im so much wreck I camnot speak today and had to crawl to feed my kittird and almodt wrt myselg
I am sorry. This post was not okay for me to make no matter what was going on in my head at the time. I am sorry to anyone it hurt.
@Kijikun, can you explain, for a lay person (me), what actually was going on in your head when you wrote the first message? I personally don't think it was inappropriate to write it. Obviously you can tell me to sod off back to my corner.
A lot of that was waking up yesterday morning, seeing a post that wrecked me on her (which ironically I can't remember which one), and my brain deciding that normally functioning just wasn't happening. I was non-wording most of the day (I say wording because I could make sounds at my cats and things but not talk). Around the time of the post I'd come back and circmtinted my own blocks again (which hi not really smart self) and was in the middle of writing a post when @seebs locked the thread. And I didn't know what to do, I was angry, hurt, and felt like I was bad for being angry and hurt because obviously I only felt like that because I must have done something terrible wrong. Look at all these angry people using angry words. To which my brain jumped too "therapist is going to want to know about all the ;_; faces on my moon chart and all the distressed and jittery and guilty check marks" and I had talked to her so highly about this place I didn't even know how to start to tell her that I had thought about cutting to do the brain reboot thing for the first time in months and that I completely didn't follow any of our stuff on detaching and doing rounds of serious self care. And obviously since I was a mess because of here (which not completely - I'll explain) people here should tell me what to say, right? I think I should say that the last few weeks have been screwed up in general for me. The week before the fourth of July I had to go to a big family thing in Galveston (we were doing a reunion / memorial for my grandparents that died last year - I'm still not okay with my grandfather's death as he was the only living positive supportive "male role model" in my life), and had to share a house (yes the agony having to be in a three bedroom beach house that was right on the beach) with my mother - for who boundaries don't seem to be something she thinks I should have with her and my step-father who sexual abused and harassed me and who doesn't understand why I can't just act "normal" (And pretend everything didn't happen), and my stepsister, her little girl (I adore my niece) and what turned out to be her loud sort of verbally abusive new boyfriend. I've talked about what happened on the trip else where and I don't really want to rehash it but I went home a day early (partly because my best friend who'd come with me for support kitty was dying - and that was the only way my mom LET me leave early.) I spent the next few days thinking my best friend was upset at me, and thinking my family was 'that bad' (turns out she was trying to make me feel better so that I wouldn't think SHE was being hurt and upset by them), and that I was being a terrible friend for not supporting her better with the loss of her kitty (which thankfully turned out not to be a loss - second vet opinion kitty is stable and happy for the time being). And then I got told to kill myself and called a pedo (along with others) for the crime of reblogging a post with good points. And that kinda fucked with me. Kinda still does. Spend last weekend doing lots of social stuff that left me really drained. So by the time things rolled around on the forum in the way they did I think I'd already been on mental thin ice to start with. And to be honest other people splitting, makes my brain try to eat itself at times. It also doesn't help that I had a very 'gentle' form of ABA as a child and was programed that I need to have everyone like me. If they don't like me then I've done something wrong and should apology and do whatever it takes to make them like me . Don't cry in front of others it upsets them. Be nice when people bully you don't you know how much pain they are in. Apology when someone accuses you of something even if it's not true. And a lot of stuff that led my brain to thinking that people being nice and talking to you means they like you and are your friends. Which yeah. Also I have lost my point and possible your questions. Sorry I kinda talked a lot about me. :/
@Kijikun - Thank you so much for replying, you so didn't have to do that. I'm going to need to reread a couple of times to attempt to grasp everything because you have obviously lived a very complex life. That is utterly not a problem - you've done so much more than I asked. I do hope that letting it out like this helped and not hindered the healing process.
