I freaked out at me friends just because they want to do something without me. I felt betrayed, and got angry and upset even though I know they have every right to do their own thing and don't have to include me. This isn't the first time this has happened, either: last time wasn't so bad, I managed to mentally scream myself into submission and only let out a few passive aggressive side remarks, but the time before that was so bad my friends and I stopped talking for like a year. And worse, said friend calls it "when we were fighting" and that's not how I think if it at all, I always consider it "when you got rightfully angry at me and made me understand I was such a terrible person I didn't deserve to hang out with you so I self-imposed isolation". What even is this ridiculous abandonment complex? WHY AM I SO SHITTY, is there a reason? Or is it just who I am? If there's no way to fix this I might as well not attempt to reconcile this time since I'm just gonna end up doing the same thing again, which isn't fair to my friends, even though I tried really hard and thought I was growing as a person by not doing this kind of shit again because I know it's shitty and wrong but it's like I can't control it. I feel awful, this is the worst I've felt in a long time. My friends deserve better than me, maybe this is where I should just make a clean break? tl;dr is there something wrong with me or am I just a shitty person
well, for one, hi! are you me? you might be, so I'm sorry about the abandonment complex sometimes friends wanna do stuff without you, which is lame because what are You gonna do, huh? sometimes, I know, what pisses me off is the way they tell me, too, because sometimes people do things without me and never tell me, and sometimes they tell me like it was a secret, which is the worst way to tell anyone anything. what helps for me, honestly, because I Absolutely don't recommend dropping your friends-it plain isn't healthy unless they're NotGoodFriends(TM). and also-hey-you aren't a shitty person. sometimes the brain decides to be pissed about something and then you get pulled along on the ride. if possible, it might help to think about the ways you'd prefer to be told if they're doing stuff without you: like, how you'd want to be told, if at all, and Tell Them. because they're your friends, they may actually start doing that also: make plans for yourself. like, just you, doing this thing. say "oh man, can't do that thing, I told myself I was gonna do this thing instead, have fun, yknow?" and then actually Do the Thing! I have sometimes made the mistake of going "yeah have fun, I have plans" and then just glaring at Snapchat the rest of the night, which tbh can be a little fucked up.
No, no, nope, no. The 'thing' they're doing without me is this like, big RP story project thing. And at first I was like okay, it's fine that they wanna do that on their own, especially since they've known each other a long time, it's fine, but then they started talking about bringing another friend into it who wasn't there, but she was as 'new' a friend as I was, but she can draw so I guess that makes her better than me. God I'm doing it again, god I SUCK WHY DO I SUCK SO HARD. And they brought up the drawing chat that one of them and said other drawing friend used to be in, although they even invited me once (although I probably whined at them to get them to do it, I don't remember but it was probably like this since they had this going on and I wasn't a part of it and I can't even draw so why would they invite me of their own volition?) and it just added fuel to the OUTRAGEFORNOREASON fire. They were discussing this whole thing while we were at our tabletop game but our GM was away at the moment, so they were talking about all this stuff while I was sitting in the corner on the couch on my phone pretending not to feel RIDICULOUSLY UPSET that they were doing all this without me and not including me, even though I know they have good reason not to include me in things, I SUCK. They're doing this big writery thing and although writing is the only thing I'm decent at, I'm not good at it, and I'm sure they know that. I don't know why it destroys me so much to be excluded. That's why I figure there's something wrong with me.
Oh no! Ok, that does super suck. Especially if it's a thing that they're more interested than before, and it's probably taking up a lot of their talk time. Have they told you why they haven't asked you in? I'm assuming, that, since you are a human being and also have thoughts and ideas, that you could be super helpful! I also know that sometimes it is REALLY difficult to get someone new properly indoctrinated into an RP, especially if it's a long-running one - but even so, I think it's polite to ask other people for ideas, especially when you're talking about it with them present! ...tbh right now i am a little offended on your behalf
They haven't started it yet, they're just planning it. And they haven't talked to me about it at all. Just each other, while I sat two feet away. And they don't have any reason to need to include me! What, just because I get upset if they don't? I'm not a child, they shouldn't have to baby me. And I got so disproportionately upset about this that it gives them good reason not to include me in anything from now on. Which is fine, since I'm pretty sure I'm never speaking to them again, since I don't want them to have to put up with me anymore.
I do think that it would have been a good move for them to invite you Or just be more conscious about the fact that they were talking about it in front of you. just because you were disproportionately upset about it, still doesn't make them completely in the clear, because people aren't perfect, and they make mistakes and can be tactless. I also think that if you've noticed a lot of really strong feelings about your friends leaving you out of things, to the point that you feel really guilty about having said or done things after the fact, there could also be the possibility of a diagnosis in there. I am absolutely not an accredited psychologist, and it's also true that times of stress bring out less pleasant parts of our personalities.
yo, if they weren't going to include you, they shouldn't have been talking about it while you were right there. the fact that they ignored you to talk about it is really not ok
It's a big living room. Our tabletop group often devolves into side conversations. They weren't shafting me or anything. It's been almost a week since I friend-dumped myself. Every time I think about it I get sick to my stomach. Whenever I start having fun or feeling up my mind goes back to the fact that I'll never talk to them again, and I crash. I really liked them. I miss them. Here's some more info in case I didn't sound scummy enough: I've mentioned they were friends for a long time, well before me, right? They're closer than me, and I knew that, and I still tried to barge in on this thing they were doing. Granted I didn't try very hard, but I guess that doesn't matter when an opportunity comes along to feel abandoned and upset because I fucking suck. I've more or less cleanly cut ties with everyone in that group, which is good. I'm not going through all this again because I'm incapable of change and just continuously hurt people while only thinking of myself. I know it's best for everyone this way, and it only hurts so much because I'm so selfish. Still miserable though, but it's only fair. Blah I'm rambling.
are you in a place where therapy is possible? bc it might help a lot the other option is something like moodgym, which is free cognitive behavioral therapy
What I was doing before was CBT. It just wasn't enough to fix me, or I wasn't trying hard enough or believing in it enough like my therapist always told me. I keep thinking about it and it hurts. I hate myself so much but I can't be the friend they deserve. They were such a big part of my life for so long. I'd been friends with them for like, ten years, oh God. I wanted to be close to them so bad although I always felt like an outsider so I never got to be. Okay, at this point this thread just belongs in brainbent because it's just me whining. I feel nauseous, I can't eat. I want to ask them to take me back but I know I shouldn't and I know I would be the worst friend and most selfish person in existence if I couldn't even do this for them, let them not have to deal with me anymore. I feel like crying. Everything feels hopeless. Why can't I just be good.
I'm no expert, other than having many years of experience with self loathing and avoiding people because I think I'm bad for them. I would say that what's actually good for them isn't for you to disappear from their lives - presumably they liked you to some degree, even if they didn't want to include you in all their shenanigans all the time. They're probably going to feel hurt that you're cutting them off because they don't see the situation the same way you do, and they won't understand that you're trying to be kind to them. May I suggest that you communicate to them what you're going through? Specifically, tell them that you have trouble emotionally dealing with situations like this, that you know they have every right to do their own thing without you but that you can't help feeling bad about it. Maybe tell them that you're afraid of starting drama like you did previously, and that you feel bad about the whole situation. Maybe tell them you'll always be willing to apologize after a blow up, that you're trying to learn how not to blow up, but that you haven't got the hang of it so it could still happen in the future because your emotions get weird. The point is to give them a chance to understand what you experience in these situations, to warn them that this is something you'll be dealing with for a while (I don't know that it's "who you are," but for the time being it's part of the package and that deserves to be acknowledged), and that you'll always try to do right by them in the long run, even if that means making amends for unpleasant behaviors that get away from you sometimes. The point is to give them a chance to decide if they can enjoy your company even while knowing that this behavior will flare up from time to time, instead of you making the decision on their behalf and without their input. In my experience people are willing to put up with stuff like this if they otherwise enjoy one's company, and if they know that you understand that it's not cool and you won't act like it's totally okay when it happens. My own brainweird sometimes manifests in withdrawing and isolating myself, and sometimes as being whiny, needy, and clingy, and sometimes as being irritable and short-tempered. I've spent many years learning how to minimize the damage from these mood shifts, and a big part of that has been making sure my friends and coworkers know it happens and it's coming from inside my brain. I make sure they know that there are times I will react totally out of proportion to what's actually happening, and if they point it out afterward I will absolutely apologize. It works for me. Obviously it would be great if I could figure out how not to let it happen in the first place, but communication has been the best strategy in these circumstances. I really believe it will be worth trying something similar for you.
Thank you for your response. It felt very apt. I'm now kind of on speaking terms with them again, but only over text. I got invited to do something with them tomorrow, and while I know logically they didn't intentionally pick a day where they knew I'd be working, I can't help but feel it might've played a role. I try and tell myself it doesn't matter because I would've said no anyway, since I can't face them, but it still hurts.
Hugs if you want them. It sucks to feel awful like that. Even when you're sure nobody's trying to hurt your feelings, it still sucks when your feelings get hurt. I dunno. It's probably going to be important to investigate where this comes from if you can, what complex of thoughts and feelings leads to feeling upset about this particular thing. In the meanwhile I want to reassure you that it's okay to feel what you gotta feel, and you've got folks here you can safely express yourself to.
