I'm having a bad motivation day but was pretty ok with it this morning (I'm trying to be less mean to myself because I used to do that to get motivated, but I basically turned myself into a toxic environment. Which was sort of dumb. Especially since if I feel bad about something, I'm definitely not going to get anything done - and then I'll make myself feel bad about it...anyway) my roommate came in and went "oh! I thought you were busy until 3 something!" and I went "I was! Until I decided not to be" And she kind of paused and continued on her way and then she went "I can't imagine what it's like in your head" (this is paraphrased since I can't remember exact wording) and I went "Well, it's like 'have you ever had enough stuff to do that you just...took a nap?' only basically all the time" her: "No, I haven't. Well, I've felt like I wanted to, but I just kept doing stuff" me: "Yeah...I think my motivation is sprained. It's been weak ever since I broke it junior year high school" Anyway, so now my brain is feeling weirdly...judged by this interaction? She has said before that she is a kind of judgey person, but is also the type of person to talk around an issue (I don't talk about most issues unless they dramatically affect my plans, and even then I'd rather type them at someone) because she is pretty socially anxious and probably depressed I'm not sure if it's her, or me, or my perception of her, or my perception of how she sees me But I got a flood of "how dare you" out of this interaction, and I know a lot of it centers around my inability to cut out being vicious at myself. But I got a lot of it out of "can't imagine what it's like in your head" and "i've felt the way you're feeling but i powered through" I got kind of the same way with my mom when we were talking about my issues with motivation, but with my mom I can get loud and kind of passionate about something My roommate is really uncomfortable with anger and aggression (i periodically wonder why we live together, since I tend to be kind of perma-mad about most things, but have learned to cut it heavily with light sarcasm and a dash of humor so I can actually keep friends) and sometimes translates "feeling strongly about something" as "angry"... I definitely don't want to ask her about it, because she'll either not remember this or she will apologize profusely (as she does) and continue on, and then do something similar next week. And then I'll feel bad, somehow. so, why brain. Why are you doing this. I'm going to go take a shower.
It is sometimes an issue. If I have a problem with something that I actually care deeply about, I bring it up, but I dislike doing it because it makes things very awkward between us. Ah, example: the other night I went to bed before her (which is pretty rare) and when she went to bed she forgot to turn off the lights (I pay electricity but it isn't a big deal since it's only like 12 bucks a month and she'll toss money at me for groceries sometime). And so I went "Hey, are you in bed already" and she said "yes?" and I went "Is there a reason the lights are on?" because I figured maybe she hadn't completely gathered her things yet for next day... but then she kind of talked around it. I can't remember what exactly she said, but it turned "whoops i forgot, i'll grab those" into "well it's because this reason and this reason and this reason, actually to tell you the truth, I forgot" and then she got up and came to my doorway to have an entire conversation about how she felt really bad for forgetting to turn off the lights. and I kept saying "it's cool, dude, I was just wondering, you continue to not have to apologize, it really isn't a big deal" and she kept agonizing over it so I was weirded out and confused, and a little irritated because literally all I wanted was for the lights to be off since we have a deal where the last person to bed turns off the lights, and instead I got attacked by apologies but nothing consisting of "whoops, i'll do that, won't happen again" or even "i'll do that, it probably will happen again". and if she has a problem with something i do, she will generally not bring it up to me when we are one to one, but usually when one of our friends are over, and so the first time i hear about this issue is in front of other people, which is a little frustrating. I mean, I'm sure she has very valid issues with things that I do, since I am obviously not a perfect person, but either I don't hear about it so I can decide whether or not I want to change my behavior, or I hear about it in front of people who I don't live with. Usually we don't have an issue with each other, but on the occasions we do, it is a little like running into a giant wall covered in signs written in a language i don't know.
If you think she'd be receptive to it (and you know her far better than some random fuck on the internet): consider bringing up the clash when everything seems calm and chill. Not when she's already on the defensive because other shit, not when you're on the defensive, just everything is cool. It's way easier to talk things out under circumstances like that. You could try putting it in the context of "I want to be a better roommate and it's hard for me to do that when I don't know what I'm doing wrong" or something, asking-for-a-favor language more than blaming-for-doing-wrong language. The apologies thing sounds to me like she thinks you're judging her, too. It sounds like she's on the defensive there, at least. Maybe you're both hearing those things you use against yourselves, rather than what the other person actually means?
That's probably a thing. I've brought up issues before when we're chilling, and it makes the rest of the night really awkward. I don't think I present things as judgey, but I know she's got social anxiety, and I tend to tiptoe around it, because i really don't get how social anxiety works. And I'm pretty sure she tiptoes around my issues, because we have totally different perspectives on life experiences. I don't know how to bring stuff up in a casual tone, either. when I bring stuff up i care about, i get really serious because i have a history of trying to bring stuff up in a casual manner and other people thinking that i'm joking. but the problem with that is she tends to perceive that, i think, as me being really angry about it, because I also shut down when I'm ticked. And then she's very quiet for the rest of the night, which i read as uncomfortable, and i feel guilty for making her uncomfortable. We've talked about this before, but I don't know how to fix my reactions to things. and she's said before that she doesn't have a preference with most things and that she's fine with whatever. So I can't help feeling that I'm the weird, neurotic one in this roommateship, especially because I had issues with my roommates last year (Four of us living in a house with very different attitudes towards doing the dishes, studying environments, and conflict resolution). Like, if I wrote out some actual points and tried to talking to her about it, it's not like we'd have a fight, it's just that she'd apologize and be really guilty about it, and i'd feel bad for bringing it up, and we'd return to the status quo. I'll try the context of asking-a-favor rather than blaming-for-doing-wrong, though from past experience it kind of feels like she would still somehow feel bad about it. I mean, it's not like it's actual issues. We're still pretty decent friends, and I think a lot of it is that we both have weird esteem issues. I graduate and leave town in a few months, and then she doesn't have to live with me anymore, but I might ask her for pointers re:roommateship for when I live with other people next year, and be able to institute actual feedback.
