alex rambles about schizotypal personality disorder

I'm assuming this probably belongs in this thread.
anyway, a few people expressed interest in a write-up of subtypes and symptoms and my personal experiences of those symptoms, so I thought I'd write something about them!
I'm gonna start with the symptoms of schizotypal personality disorder, which I'm going to refer to as stpd from here on in. so, the basic symptoms of stpd and a (hopefully somewhat brief) explanation of what each one means, along with a few personal experience example things:
- being a loner and lacking close friends outside family. this doesn't necessarily mean that we don't want friends, but a lot of us don't know how to make them and struggle to communicate with others, so we end up not having that many friends. that isn't to say it's impossible for us to have friends--I myself have a total of three close friends, two of whom I'm dating and one of whom I'm just very close with, and one less close friend--but I still struggle to communicate with them and have a hard time feeling at ease around them, even though I trust my partners and best friend relatively implicitly. some of us also just don't want friends, because we find it so difficult to communicate with and befriend others that it's just not worth the effort. whatever the case, we do tend to be loners. however, I'm very distant from my family, so it's not always likely that we'll be close with our family--my close friends kind of became my surrogate family, because I've always been very distant from my real family.
- incorrect interpretation of events, including feeling that external events have personal meaning. basically, this is believing in 'signs' from the universe, and thinking that unrelated events have something to do with you. so, for example, a stray cat might look at me and rather than going 'oh, a stray cat', my response is 'it's a sign. this means something. what does it mean?' and then I spend a while obsessing over that stray cat that looked at me and what it could possibly mean. I've seen other examples of this too--for instance, seeing multiple cars of the same color in a row is a sign to some people, or seeing two people dressed the same in a row is a sign, or seeing someone else wearing the same clothes as you is a sign (if it was unplanned).
- peculiar, eccentric or unusual thinking, beliefs or behavior. this one's kind of...difficult to explain, but basically any beliefs that don't fit 'special powers' or 'signs from the universe'/behaviors that don't fit 'peculiar dress' would fall here. for instance, I carry a stuffed animal with me, my favorite stuffed animal, any time I go somewhere new, because I have a very firm belief that if I don't bring it with me to the new place, something bad will happen. I can't really say what bad thing will happen, and logically I know it's ridiculous, but I have to do it or my anxiety will skyrocket and my skin will crawl the whole time I'm there because I'll just be waiting for a bad thing to happen. similarly, if I'm in the room and the microwave is going, I have to stop the microwave before it goes off, or something bad will happen. a lot of my peculiar beliefs and a lot of the ones I've seen from others consist of 'if I don't do x, a bad thing will happen', which is interesting.
- belief in special powers, such as telepathy. this one's pretty self-explanatory, and before anyone asks, yes, I do have a pretty firm belief in telekinesis, telepathy, and psychic powers of various kinds. logically I know it's highly unlikely and probably not real, but somehow I can't shake the belief that there are people out there with those kinds of powers, to the extent that sometimes I fear other people reading my mind.
- perceptual alterations, in some cases bodily illusions, including phantom pains or other distortions in the sense of touch. again, pretty self explanatory, but just as a brief example, I often experience phantom pains in my knees and hands. I also experience illusions like hands touching me, which is pretty creepy and uncomfortable.
- persistent and excessive social anxiety. also pretty self explanatory, but just as a brief addition, this anxiety doesn't go away with familiarity, for the most part. even my partners and revealing things to them still tends to make me very nervous, and spending time with them still makes me a little bit anxious, although going to new places with new people makes me much more anxious than spending time with my partners or best friend. this anxiety doesn't extend to online, which is why I tend to prefer communicating via the computer and making friends via the computer.
- peculiar style of speech, such as loose or vague patterns of speaking or rambling oddly and endlessly during conversations. so basically, I can only speak on my 'peculiar' speech patterns, which is that I tend to be very long-winded during conversations, and answer things that need short answers with very long answers. this is when I choose to talk, of course, as very often my anxiety keeps me from saying anything at all and a lot of people aren't even aware that I talk. only my partners and two friends have heard me ramble endlessly, and they're used to trying to pick out the important information. but as an example of what I might ramble about, if someone says 'time sure flies' my response will typically be 'well time is a social construct and even though theoretically time is innate the measurement of time according to clocks and time zones is a social construct...' and so on and so forth. I've learned to curb my ramblings enough that I can carry a normal conversation, for the most part, although sometimes I still do this. it's not because I'm eager to share information, it's just because I don't even realize that's not the normal response.
- suspicious or paranoid ideas, hypersensitivity, and constant doubts about the loyalty and fidelity of others. I don't actually have this symptom, and so I can't talk much on it. but from what I've gathered listening to others talk, it's basically suspicion that people are loyal to you and the constant fear that people, whether strangers or friends, are out to get you.
- flat emotions, or limited or inappropriate emotional responses. I tend to have both flat emotions and limited emotional responses. for example, if I'm happy, it's a pretty weird sort of happy--I don't smile or show any outward sign of being happy, and the happiest I've ever been is basically what most people describe as content. I've never felt sad, just empty. I've never felt angry, just annoyed at most. and I've never dealt with grief--when someone dies, I simply don't care and move right alone down the line, which isn't the appropriate response to death. the only time I've been able to feel upset over death is when I contemplate the possibility of my friends dying. I don't really have inappropriate emotional responses outside my response to death--I feel happy when I'm supposed to, and my version of sad when I'm supposed to, for the most part.

okay and now I'm gonna talk subtypes.
so for every personality disorder, as far as I'm aware, there's a thing called Millon's subtypes, where he basically separates the personality disorder into different likely subtypes that you might see. I don't fit into either of the schizotypal subtypes, and not everyone will fit a subtype, but I find them interesting to talk about.
there's the timorous subtype and the insipid subtype.
the timorous subtype includes avoidant features, so it has features of avoidant personality disorder and these would be called 'traits' of avpd, and people who are timorous subtype often are suspicious of others, and very watchful and wary. they're cautious and reserved, and don't make friends easily, or tend to want them. they also isolate themselves from others and deliberately obstruct their thought process.
insipid schizotypals have schizoid and dependent features, so they'd have 'traits' of szpd and dpd. they depend on others for structure and do desire friendships but don't know how to make friends, and they are often expressionless and appear dull to the onlooker. they tend to feel disconnected and nonexistent and strange. they can come across as ambivalent to others, and they tend to have vague and erratic thought processes.
annnnnd that's all I can really say on the subject!

 

yeah, I mean, there's some overlap in symptoms between that and schizotypal, I've noticed, because a lot of our ideas seem to be 'if I don't do x, bad thing will happen', and I find it unlikely that every single person with stpd would have ocd as well? I mean, it's entirely possible some of us do, but nearly every other person with stpd who I've spoken to has a similar set of beliefs--we all have these weird little rituals that we absolutely must do, or else something bad will happen.

 

huh, that's interesting.
I have a lot of apprehension around people coming into my space without certain circumstances being met, but that's just because of the way I am in terms of my relationship with other people.
it could be that stpd's being diagnosed as ocd in some cases, that is possible. stpd can be missed initially in some cases--for instance, I wasn't diagnosed with it initially because they thought my peculiar rituals and things were part of my psychosis, but when they didn't go away my psychiatrist started wondering if I had stpd after all. and it can be subtle sometimes. for instance, my style of peculiar dress isn't all-out obvious, it's just that I have a tendency to wear the same clothes for days and think that's fine and also that I have a hoodie that I wear year-round and that I prefer certain specific materials, but as first glance I dress pretty dang normally.

 

Do you know how people differ between 'peculiar thoughts'/'beliefs in unusual powers'/etc with general religious/spiritual beliefs? That's often been one of my big worries; a lot of the examples given of delusions or 'peculiar thinking' in this spectrum of stuff is pretty much exactly Lib's Genuine Religious Beliefs, so I worry that people would misinterpret that as Symptom Of Issue, either in me or in others.

 

basically, if you follow a particular religion that leads you to believe in that, then it's not considered a symptom. also, if your beliefs are part of a particular subculture, then it's not considered a symptom. but when I was originally diagnosed, I had zero religious beliefs playing into my fears that people could read my mind. it was just a belief I'd picked up somewhere along the line, that I had powers that let me see auras and hear angels and shit, and that other people could read my mind and things like that. they made sure to ask me if it was a part of a religious belief when they diagnosed me, but at the time, it wasn't.

edit: and also, for you to be diagnosed with schizophrenia or schizotypal personality disorder you have to meet other symptoms too, of course.

 

Thank you! That is interesting and useful to know! :D

 

@ectoBiologist
I've already made the thread and I wasn't sure whether or not to tag people, but here it is!!

 

on another note
in the interest of continuing to ramble about schizotypal personality disorder, I would like to share this post
and I would like to observe that I have found things in this post to be similar to what I experience
I have a struggle with reality permanence and often find myself wondering things like, "if I close this door, is it going to reopen to somewhere new?" and then I get scared to close the door because what if that happens

 

That is a feel I feel sometimes, though I get it more often with people - like, do people still exist if I'm not talking to them and can't see/feel them? sometimes I have to go and find my wife when she's here and just make sure to periodically touch her because otherwise she might not exist.

I don't get it as much with inanimate things, but sometimes.

(I hope this is okay to ramble about similar things, because not StPD.)

 

(it is totally fine to ramble about similar things! I love hearing about other people's experiences that are similar to my own :D)

yeah, I don't often experience it with people--just reality and also relationships. like, if I'm not currently looking at/able to see the floor, does the floor still exist? if I'm not currently talking to this person, do they still remember who I am, do we still have a relationship? I know one of these things comes from bpd, but the other might be stpd, which I didn't know and find interesting.
it would scare the heck out of me if I experienced this with people though. I'd be constantly calling and talking to my friends/partners to make sure they were still there.

 

and now I feel a need to share a daily struggle I experience thanks to stpd

person: something bad/negative/sad happened
stpd: i know that i should not laugh at this but, however,

and then I start snickering and people are like "?????? the fuck, alex?"
I'm sorry it's just how I process my feelings towards bad/sad/negative things happening to people

 

My mom used to pick me up from school, and while I waited for her I would be afraid that at some point during the day I had walked through a door or something that lead to a reality very similar to my own, but in which an important detail -- such as the car my mom drove -- would be different, and I wouldn't know and so wouldn't be prepared for it.

(Probably ties into my general fear of not knowing things, now that I think about it.)

 

huh, that's interesting!
I often fear that I'll walk into a different reality. like I used to avoid this farm near my house because I was absolutely certain it led to an alternate reality where there would be evil beings out to get me...

 

ugh I feel this so hard. I nervous-laugh very badly, and I'm just like, I know this is the wrong response but it's THE ONLY ONE I HAVE D:

 

yeah my response to bad things or uncomfortable things is to laugh and then people are like "alex what the fuck" and I'm like "I'M SORRY I KNOW IT'S WRONG BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW ELSE TO RESPOND"
it's really bad though because people will be like "my grandpa got hit by a truck the other day" and my response is to giggle and I just. why.

 

And that's just because, like, the emotion-reaction wires are crossed in your head? Like, it's not that you find it funny and can't help your reaction, it's that your reaction to sad news, despite not finding it funny, is to laugh?

 

exactly!!
like, internally, I feel really bad for the person. I'm like, oh fuck, shit man, that's awful, I'm so sorry your grandpa got hit by a truck and is now probably dead, that's really shitty. but externally I'm just fucking giggling and I hate it. I hate it so much.
....even writing about it I'm just sitting here snickering and I'm internally screaming at myself to stop and my body is just like "nah, gonna keep laughing"

 

the other problem is I am also a nervous laughter-prone person
so like
if I'm in trouble or people think I'm lying
I get anxious af
and start giggling
and this of course only serves to convince people I'm lying or that I really did do the thing
and then I get in more trouble