Pre-Edit: I was originally going to make a post about Roach's recent posts regarding self-reliance and how I was freaking out about not wanting to put in the effort to find a job but this basically turned into a "rant about my life, I just wanted to dump it out here and hope that someone has a comment that could maybe help a bit in some way or whatever" and I went all over the place and it's really long so. Yeah. So I'm studying Physics, and whenever anyone asked me "what do you want to be when you grow up?" in High School I'd always go for just "Physicist. Like, theoretical physics, or maybe mathematics, or whatever. I just want my life to be finding solutions to equations." And there's never been any problem with that. It was highly encouraged at my High School to "follow your passion and work will come to you". That's good and all, but like, that may still require putting in a lot more effort than I'm willing to put in? I used to be the kind of person who always got everything done on time (it was really stressful for both me and my parents, especially my parents who stayed up really late with me to help me finish stuff, and after I got officially diagnosed as Aspie, they fought for dozens of accommodations so I effectively had a quarter of the homework others had, and they helped me with a ton of it)... until my final 2 years in High School we started getting less and less homework and in the one really demanding class I had (literature) I started slacking off and getting F's so the school downgraded me to a lower level where I basically had so much less homework that it reached a point in 12th grade where there were 2 major assignments that I just plain didn't do and the teacher just ignored them. I should've gotten a D in that class. I got a B+. And from then on I just kinda... didn't do stuff until people made me do it. I never read the textbook stuff or do the problems they give me because they're not required, I don't study until my mom makes me sit down and study, I leave the lab reports for the last couple of days and my partner does most of the writing (every couple of weeks I stay up until 6AM on Sunday just analyzing data), I can't seem to find class slots that make me comfortable, because 9AM is too early, there's never the classes I'm taking at 1PM (and when there are it interferes with other stuff), and that left me with classes from 5 to 10 PM this semester, every day. I keep telling myself that it'll be better next semester but honestly 10PM at night in winter is honestly better than falling asleep in class every damn day because I'm too tired because I went to sleep at 3AM even though I was tired yesterday in the afternoon! My mom tried to make me organize some bills to make me do something productive in the house. Just, once a month, put stuff in folders. I used to take it very seriously but now I just don't do it at all anymore. I DO LITERALLY NOTHING! I used to go to the gym twice a week and take Tennis classes once a week but I don't anymore because I'm just too tired; thanks to my mom I'm taking singing lessons once a week, I go see my psychologist once a week, and the rest of my time I spend on Tumblr or on Youtube or worrying about games I haven't played or series I haven't watched or books I haven't read (OH MY GOD I HAVEN'T READ A BOOK IN OVER FIVE YEARS WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!?!) or ranting on Kintsugi about my life hoping that I can tell this very narcissistic "tale of woe" to a bunch of people who've been through so much worse situations and dealt with it so much better.. And the worst part is that a part of me KNOWS that if I mess up I am NOT going to be hurt with ANY mistake I make because my parents have more than enough money and care for me so much that if anything happens I'll always just land on my feet so why should I even bother to put in any effort at all? No, that's not the worst part. The worst part is that I really do care about doing stuff like watching series or playing games more than I care about actually putting in work for anything. I don't even know anymore. I'll just finish catching up with Wander Over Yonder or watch ProJared grade the E3 conferences or something. This was originally about self-reliance and finding a job, but I went seriously off-topic and it's just something I've wanted to post about I don't care how few people reply to it I just wanted to put it out there.
Witnessed and I feel you. I don't have dysfunction quite that bad but I really.. Don't care about anything you can make a job out of enough to want to do it as a job, you know? I would honestly love to be a stay at home parent without the parent part. Just. Maybe part time work. At the most. Having to put effort into things is exhausting all the time, especially school
@evilas So, I hope this isn't too boundary-crossing and extreme, but: you have depression My context first: Biology/Math double major. Freaked out yesterday while writing my resume because I didn't know which semesters I've gotten Dean's List; turned out I'd been screening the marker out because I've been on it every single freaking semester. Diagnosed with depression late fall 2014, my freshman year. Aspie can sometimes complicate things, since it has its own associated executive dysfunction, but AFAIK your symptoms are pretty clear cut. +/- some of the high school stuff it reads exactly like what I told my therapist before diagnosis. Feeling like you're just slacking off, because all the external circumstances are in your favor (thread title) Skipping the generic executive function stuff, but there's so much of it that it obviously backs up the rest of these bullets as being more than aspie-related alone Procrastination/not doing/delegating written work - can be a subtle sign that you think your writing isn't good enough, which probably isn't true. Sleep problems. Hella sleep problems. General fatigue; enhances difficulty waking and staying awake (9AM class comment, sports) Can't fall asleep at 'normal' times <- this is actually like, the prime indicator of depression in young adults, btw Trouble getting self to exercise because too tired. This was a big one for me (hah, as I write this I can feel my "time left to exercise" trickling away! Hypocrite...) Although you retain interest in them, trouble carrying out your hobbies (reading, watching, playing) Low self-worth/prioritization of others in unreasonable circumstances (you feel like what you describe is somehow narcissistic and other people's experiences show they are superior to you, that you are unworthy of your parent's help and just sapping them, dissing the things you find pleasurable) I'm honestly upset at your psychologist, because the fact you don't mention the possibility of depression means they probably haven't brought it up. So, here's the truth: I'm being treated for depression, right? My starting state was so much better than yours. Yeah, yeah, I also developed the freakier symptoms, but the symptoms you could measure on a scale instead of a yes/no? Nowhere near as bad. Not even the sleep one. (If you leave the beast to lie, you might also start to get the nastier stuff. I do not recommend.) You deserve better. You are worthy of being cared for: This can happen to anyone, anywhere. While you're lucky that your family has the resources to get you somewhere better, that doesn't mean that your feelings are any less painful than in someone who isn't.
Thank you. You saying my dysfunction is worse than yours actually really means a lot to me, because well, it's really comforting to know that I'm not in the best of circumstances. No! Not extreme at all! I just... I dunno, so many friends have depression that I thought I had a good comparison point. I've considered it, but I dismissed it because compared to what they post about, my life is so... normal. My mom has depression, so I know what that's like. I have had depression and/or anxiety episodes, which I always assumed were caused by Aspie-related anxiety (which I am being treated for... with, whaddya know, antidepressants). But my day-to day just isn't like that. I'm not just randomly feeling extremely crappy and want to die every few weeks like so many people I know are. That never happens to me! (Sure there was that ONE TIME but Homestuck had ended so that's a special circumstance.) See, I have no idea what that is. But I do feel like it's not something that would happen to me though. Which is what I feel with a lot of stuff that people give as examples of depression. The slacking off thing - I suspected something along those lines might be the case, which is part of why I wrote this thing, but it's a bit more complicated than that. Like, how much more could I do? I think a lot, honestly. I still called it ED because, well, honestly, thanks to Seebs who I learned the term from. Honestly, the procrastination is more that I don't want to write and she does. But yeah. And that second-to-last one? YES. But the last one I'm not so sure about. The thing is, when I do things, many times I act like a bratty kid. Getting others to do stuff for me, not being thankful for stuff, that kind of stuff. The only reason I sometimes feel unworthy of my parents' help is because I take it for granted so often. I diss the things I find pleasurable because they distract me from what I want to do. No, she hasn't, but I feel like I haven't really given her a reason to. What freakier symptoms? Could you explain? I never thought I'd hear those words being applied to me. Like, my parents aren't douchebags, I am being cared for. And again, I do feel like they are less painful, because compared to what my friends are going through, my life is practically normal in terms of how I feel. Thanks for the diagnosis. I honestly hope you can convince me further, because there's so much that just doesn't... i dunno.
