Eating disorders, and messed-up relationships with food

Spoiler: bullshit

i just 'binged' on a quesadilla, applesauce, a glass of milk, and half a scoop of icecream and now i'm going to go vomit it up like the disgusting fuck i am and i can't stop and i don't want to stop and i hate this and i love this and i plan my whole day and food intake around puking and this has to fucking stop and i want help but i don't want help more and this is such a clusterfuck. why did i start doing this again i fucking hate myself i hate past me why the fuck would he do this he knew how it'd play out

 

@taxonomicAtrocity hugs if wanted, sympathy liked, that all sounds like it sucks a lot. :(

 

thank you. this is just, like. an endless chain of fuckups, each on building on the last, and the only thing i'd stop for likely won't happen for a while, so there's no real end in sight, and i am just so exhausted with how jaw-droppingly stupid i'm being, even when i'm trying to be smart, and it's a fucking mess and i can't tell my bf because he'll make me stop or maybe break up w/ me for being disgusting, idk, it'd be justified, and yeah imma stop here before this turns into a long, directionless panic-rant. or more of one, anyway. sorry.

 

Spoiler: body

so um. i can feel my hip bones. fairly prominently. when i lie down. also when im standing i can see them in the mirror. i dont remember ever being able to do that and i fucking love it but also i know ive lost weight which is bad i need to stop it but im not hungry and

i weight less than i have since i was maybe 14

i feel. good. about this. i want to keep doing this. i. i just. yeah. fuck. fuck. i like this and i want more of this but i need to stop i just. i dont know [/SPOILERS]

 

@Xavius:

Spoiler: more food talk

Do you have any digestive problems, frequent diarrhea, or similar? If your digestion isn't working well due to some condition or other that could explain it.

 

Spoiler: ed talk

i didn't vomit tonight! it makes me feel awful because i had a sandwich and cake and milk and that's like fifty bajillion calories but i did not Do The Thing! i wanna say yay but i'm also angry at myself for not vomming so like. mixed feelins here

 

Spoiler: tmi/gross

Spoiler: screams

Spoiler

i havent like. gone to the bathroom in days and im fairly certain it's because i havent been eating enough idk BUT IM WORRIED... yikes

 

Spoiler: reply to raybot

okay, I do apologise if I'm intruding, but I remember you saying you had a fairly major medical procedure recently, yeah? if you're on painkillers for that - particularly codeine but probably all opioids - that's also a very common side effect there.

 

Spoiler: reply to lib

nope! well i did have major medical thing, but im not currently using any pain meds

 

Spoiler: numbers talk

so! i am currently eating under 900 cal a day. in three and a half weeks, i will be going off to do art stuff for two months in north carolina. i will have a roommate, access to really good food, and there are shared bathrooms. this could present some problems. i don't want to get caught.

i was wondering if anyone had any experience w/ jacking their caloric intake up quickly and effectively, because i've kinda plateaued at 900 and i need to be eating more than that if i want to not balloon the fuck out as soon as i get up there. i was thinking adding an additional 150 cal for every consecutive week until i have to go, does that sound feasible? what kind of weight gain would i be looking at if i made a change that gradually?

 

i don't know if this qualifies as an eating disorder, for me it was never about weight, it's just a "we were extremely, extremely poor when i was a kid and food was mostly an uncertain thing and i'm still messed up about it" thing, so someone tell me if i need to take the post down?

so, yeah. here's my whole thing.

Spoiler: food issue talk

for a couple years after my mom finally got a steady job and we got food stamps i had something like a binge eating disorder? at least, there was suddenly plenty of food instead of no food so i had to eat everything i wanted all at once even if i wasn't hungry because what if it wasn't there later? it was less of an enjoyment thing and more of an anxiety thing, though i do love eating.

that tapered off around my mid teens. nowadays my eating's more balanced, but i still have really terrible anxieties about food. like, if i'm hungry, and i can't easily find something to feed myself? well, hello unreasonable fear response, i missed you so much! i actively dread being hungry because of that.

also i can't really take food from other people, unless it's something prepared in big quantities and a bunch of other people are also eating, like a cafeteria lunch or a family reunion. eating food another person provides mean i am Taking Something Away from them and it's just a huge guilty thing. i can't stand the thought of taking away food other people might have wanted, it's one of the worst things i can think of. for example, i once took the last apple fritter out of a box while i was at my sister's house, and she walked in while i was eating it and said, "aw, i was going to eat that," and i actually started crying.

i don't think any of this is an actual eating disorder, but definitely a messed-up relationship with food.

 

I don't have any kind of eating disorder myself, so I can delete this if it's in the wrong place, but my own relationship with food has definitely been shaped by my mom's disordered eating.

Spoiler: Spoiler for food-control issues

She has always gone through restriction/binge cycles, and she tries to rope me and my sister in to both parts--she'll fuss about what we're eating when she's restricting, which affected my sister more (she's moved out, but now has a full-blown disorder of her own), but what got me is that she tries to draw us both in as co-conspirators to her "bad behavior" when she's binging. She brings home tons of pastries, and insists I share them; if I refuse, whatever the reason, I'm "selfish" and "judging" her. I'm a contrary person by nature, and I now have a horrible knee-jerk reaction to anyone trying to feed me that has hurt a lot of well-meaning friends. :(

Also, somewhere in my resolution not to let food run my life the way it does for my mom and sister, I... have ended up spending way more emotional energy on food every day than I think is actually healthy. I am determined to eat what tastes good, in healthy proportions, without worrying about calories or my weight, and the pushback I get on a daily basis from my own internalized social metrics (I am a ladyperson, so I have a lot of those) is sometimes really difficult. Also, I LIKE veggies and don't really like pasta or other "heavy" grain-based carbs, so I often go for "light" options at restaurants, but I eat out with other people who often comment on how "good" I'm being, and have I mentioned that I'm VERY CONTRARY about food?

(Spite-eating the overdone pasta dish is never the right answer, and yet guess what I keep end up doing.)

 

Atm I'm having to live on a one-meal-at-most-a-day diet due to finances, and I'm spoonless so it's all tiny portion and super cheap microwave ready meals. Or it was before my microwave got moldy due to spillage and my lack of spoons leaving me unable to clean. And that means when I can afford too, I buy takeout and I binge. I'm full for a day, and then the next day the empty stomach feels even worse. On top of that I'm anemic and feel incredibly guilty for eating takeout when available, and also for not stretching out my food to one meal every three days in order to save money. Which is fucked up :C
I weigh between 95-115kg, pretty predictably.

 

Spoiler: weight bullshit

I went volunteering at a place and worked fifteen fun, stressful 17-hour days in a row, and then I went to the seaside with friends. I did a lot of heavy lifting and ate a ton, and I've gained muscle in my arms (good!) and put on weight centrally and jfc I am trying not to flip out about that. I thought about calories way too much today and [redacted detail of what I ate, basically: not enough]. And then it got to about 9pm and I was hungry and reading an article about starvation mode and ARGH. I weigh a lot less now than I used to, and I refuse to retroactively hate my fatter body! I refuse!! It will not be done!!!

...ugh.

 

i only got out of my eating disorder after eating half of a perfect ruben adn realizing that food was worth eating again. i had never had a ruben before. i didn't even like sandwiches that much. the tiny cafe owned by a cult in my city changed my life. i'm very drunk and rambling, sorry.

 

whoops eating disorder is back. I'm down to about one and a half meals a day and dropping. It hasn't gotten to the point where my friends notice yet, but I'm definitely feeling sick and tired all the time. Any ideas on how to... not do that?

 

bah.

went back on brain-meds.

brain-meds mean Tasha is NEVER hungry.

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Hello, Anorexia, my dear old friend ...

 

I would wonder if dropping half your body weight would be possible let alone advisable. Even without it triggering brain bugs. Is there any need for you to lose weight urgently? Because someone like you would be better of making lifestyle changes that would have you losing very slowly, I'd have thought.