Eating disorders, and messed-up relationships with food

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by Morven, Jun 8, 2015.

  1. i just 'binged' on a quesadilla, applesauce, a glass of milk, and half a scoop of icecream and now i'm going to go vomit it up like the disgusting fuck i am and i can't stop and i don't want to stop and i hate this and i love this and i plan my whole day and food intake around puking and this has to fucking stop and i want help but i don't want help more and this is such a clusterfuck. why did i start doing this again i fucking hate myself i hate past me why the fuck would he do this he knew how it'd play out
    • Like x 1
  2. Salted Earth


    @taxonomicAtrocity hugs if wanted, sympathy liked, that all sounds like it sucks a lot. :(
  3. thank you. this is just, like. an endless chain of fuckups, each on building on the last, and the only thing i'd stop for likely won't happen for a while, so there's no real end in sight, and i am just so exhausted with how jaw-droppingly stupid i'm being, even when i'm trying to be smart, and it's a fucking mess and i can't tell my bf because he'll make me stop or maybe break up w/ me for being disgusting, idk, it'd be justified, and yeah imma stop here before this turns into a long, directionless panic-rant. or more of one, anyway. sorry.
    • Like x 1
  4. electroTelegram

    electroTelegram Well-Known Member

    so um. i can feel my hip bones. fairly prominently. when i lie down. also when im standing i can see them in the mirror. i dont remember ever being able to do that and i fucking love it but also i know ive lost weight which is bad i need to stop it but im not hungry and

    i weight less than i have since i was maybe 14

    i feel. good. about this. i want to keep doing this. i. i just. yeah. fuck. fuck. i like this and i want more of this but i need to stop i just. i dont know [/SPOILERS]
  5. Morven

    Morven In darkness be the sound and light


    Do you have any digestive problems, frequent diarrhea, or similar? If your digestion isn't working well due to some condition or other that could explain it.
  6. i didn't vomit tonight! it makes me feel awful because i had a sandwich and cake and milk and that's like fifty bajillion calories but i did not Do The Thing! i wanna say yay but i'm also angry at myself for not vomming so like. mixed feelins here
    • Like x 3
  7. electroTelegram

    electroTelegram Well-Known Member

    i havent like. gone to the bathroom in days and im fairly certain it's because i havent been eating enough idk BUT IM WORRIED... yikes
  8. Lib

    Lib Well-Known Member

    okay, I do apologise if I'm intruding, but I remember you saying you had a fairly major medical procedure recently, yeah? if you're on painkillers for that - particularly codeine but probably all opioids - that's also a very common side effect there.
  9. electroTelegram

    electroTelegram Well-Known Member

    nope! well i did have major medical thing, but im not currently using any pain meds
  10. so! i am currently eating under 900 cal a day. in three and a half weeks, i will be going off to do art stuff for two months in north carolina. i will have a roommate, access to really good food, and there are shared bathrooms. this could present some problems. i don't want to get caught.

    i was wondering if anyone had any experience w/ jacking their caloric intake up quickly and effectively, because i've kinda plateaued at 900 and i need to be eating more than that if i want to not balloon the fuck out as soon as i get up there. i was thinking adding an additional 150 cal for every consecutive week until i have to go, does that sound feasible? what kind of weight gain would i be looking at if i made a change that gradually?
  11. tweedle dumbass

    tweedle dumbass stole all the coffee

    i don't know if this qualifies as an eating disorder, for me it was never about weight, it's just a "we were extremely, extremely poor when i was a kid and food was mostly an uncertain thing and i'm still messed up about it" thing, so someone tell me if i need to take the post down?

    so, yeah. here's my whole thing.

    for a couple years after my mom finally got a steady job and we got food stamps i had something like a binge eating disorder? at least, there was suddenly plenty of food instead of no food so i had to eat everything i wanted all at once even if i wasn't hungry because what if it wasn't there later? it was less of an enjoyment thing and more of an anxiety thing, though i do love eating.

    that tapered off around my mid teens. nowadays my eating's more balanced, but i still have really terrible anxieties about food. like, if i'm hungry, and i can't easily find something to feed myself? well, hello unreasonable fear response, i missed you so much! i actively dread being hungry because of that.

    also i can't really take food from other people, unless it's something prepared in big quantities and a bunch of other people are also eating, like a cafeteria lunch or a family reunion. eating food another person provides mean i am Taking Something Away from them and it's just a huge guilty thing. i can't stand the thought of taking away food other people might have wanted, it's one of the worst things i can think of. for example, i once took the last apple fritter out of a box while i was at my sister's house, and she walked in while i was eating it and said, "aw, i was going to eat that," and i actually started crying.

    i don't think any of this is an actual eating disorder, but definitely a messed-up relationship with food.
    • Like x 1
  12. Toaster

    Toaster Active Member

    I don't have any kind of eating disorder myself, so I can delete this if it's in the wrong place, but my own relationship with food has definitely been shaped by my mom's disordered eating.

    She has always gone through restriction/binge cycles, and she tries to rope me and my sister in to both parts--she'll fuss about what we're eating when she's restricting, which affected my sister more (she's moved out, but now has a full-blown disorder of her own), but what got me is that she tries to draw us both in as co-conspirators to her "bad behavior" when she's binging. She brings home tons of pastries, and insists I share them; if I refuse, whatever the reason, I'm "selfish" and "judging" her. I'm a contrary person by nature, and I now have a horrible knee-jerk reaction to anyone trying to feed me that has hurt a lot of well-meaning friends. :(

    Also, somewhere in my resolution not to let food run my life the way it does for my mom and sister, I... have ended up spending way more emotional energy on food every day than I think is actually healthy. I am determined to eat what tastes good, in healthy proportions, without worrying about calories or my weight, and the pushback I get on a daily basis from my own internalized social metrics (I am a ladyperson, so I have a lot of those) is sometimes really difficult. Also, I LIKE veggies and don't really like pasta or other "heavy" grain-based carbs, so I often go for "light" options at restaurants, but I eat out with other people who often comment on how "good" I'm being, and have I mentioned that I'm VERY CONTRARY about food?

    (Spite-eating the overdone pasta dish is never the right answer, and yet guess what I keep end up doing.)
    Last edited: Aug 31, 2016
  13. AbsenteeLandlady123

    AbsenteeLandlady123 Chronically screaming

    Atm I'm having to live on a one-meal-at-most-a-day diet due to finances, and I'm spoonless so it's all tiny portion and super cheap microwave ready meals. Or it was before my microwave got moldy due to spillage and my lack of spoons leaving me unable to clean. And that means when I can afford too, I buy takeout and I binge. I'm full for a day, and then the next day the empty stomach feels even worse. On top of that I'm anemic and feel incredibly guilty for eating takeout when available, and also for not stretching out my food to one meal every three days in order to save money. Which is fucked up :C
    I weigh between 95-115kg, pretty predictably.
  14. EulersBidentity

    EulersBidentity e^i*[bi] + 1

    I went volunteering at a place and worked fifteen fun, stressful 17-hour days in a row, and then I went to the seaside with friends. I did a lot of heavy lifting and ate a ton, and I've gained muscle in my arms (good!) and put on weight centrally and jfc I am trying not to flip out about that. I thought about calories way too much today and [redacted detail of what I ate, basically: not enough]. And then it got to about 9pm and I was hungry and reading an article about starvation mode and ARGH. I weigh a lot less now than I used to, and I refuse to retroactively hate my fatter body! I refuse!! It will not be done!!!

  15. Sethrial MacCoill

    Sethrial MacCoill Attempts were made

    i only got out of my eating disorder after eating half of a perfect ruben adn realizing that food was worth eating again. i had never had a ruben before. i didn't even like sandwiches that much. the tiny cafe owned by a cult in my city changed my life. i'm very drunk and rambling, sorry.
    • Like x 4
  16. Sethrial MacCoill

    Sethrial MacCoill Attempts were made

    whoops eating disorder is back. I'm down to about one and a half meals a day and dropping. It hasn't gotten to the point where my friends notice yet, but I'm definitely feeling sick and tired all the time. Any ideas on how to... not do that?
  17. NatashaBezmena

    NatashaBezmena Unnamed&Unseen


    went back on brain-meds.

    brain-meds mean Tasha is NEVER hungry.


    Hello, Anorexia, my dear old friend ...
  18. Chiomi

    Chiomi Master of Disaster

    So I grew up super poor and have the predictable issues around that, but then in high school got sort of disordered about stuff when I was living with my dad? And I've mostly had an okay relationship with food, which is pretty much necessary since I have hypoglycemia and feel incredibly sick when I don't eat for more than like 7 hours of being awake.

    Last Tuesday I had a Dr. appt and he wants me to drop . . . half my body weight. Like, he said that, then said he expects patients to only listen to half of what he had to say and 1/4 of my body weight would be fine. And I had social stuff I was doing most of the week and was too busy to really think about it, but I went from regular lunches to yogurt for lunch. Which, on balance, is fine. But the last few days I've been eating the bare minimum to not feel sick and I'm fucking starving right now and have not had enough calories but I feel kind of virtuous about it? And it's like . . . I don't really want to go down this road because it's unpleasant but also Doctor Approved so hahahahahahh
  19. Morven

    Morven In darkness be the sound and light

    I would wonder if dropping half your body weight would be possible let alone advisable. Even without it triggering brain bugs. Is there any need for you to lose weight urgently? Because someone like you would be better of making lifestyle changes that would have you losing very slowly, I'd have thought.
  20. Chiomi

    Chiomi Master of Disaster

    Probably not? Like, I'd be pretty skeletal at that point. There's no need for it urgently, but I'm fat, which is of course a Terrible Medical Problem, and it's just setting off brainbugs a lot. I was okay with myself! And now I am less so.

    Idk, the plan for grad school is to live walking distance, so there'd ALREADY be lifestyle changes. But. bluh.
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