what's it called when you are depressed like all the time, but you also view your depression from sort of an outsiders point of view and the outsiders point of view is to think your depression is boring and not cohesive to having fun, and then you get pissed at yourself for being so flippant but you realize you're angry at yourself as if yourself is another person entirely and you get get worried about that? also, did any of that make sense, because i'm basically a swirling mess of confusion these days. i don't know.
Being a person? Honestly, I don't know. I used to get annoyed at my depression all the time (used to because it's mostly in remission now) and now I get annoyed at my EF issues all the time. So yeah, maybe my answer wasn't very helpful, but at least know you're not alone at getting annoyed with yourself.
sounds like some low-key dissociation. which is a p common reaction to prolonged stress. depression IS boring and no fun, and being flippant is a pretty decent coping method. before i found meds that work i reached the point where i wasn't even feeling sad or scared in my worst troughs, i was just bored and irritated. the Douchebag Voice of Depression would be like "you're worthless and a drain on resources and you'd be doing everyone a favor if you jumped off a bridge" and i'd be like "bungee jump on this, asshole, omg you're so BORING. i'm going to buy myself a cupcake. shut up about if i deserve it, everyone on earth deserves cupcakes, cupcakes are universal." uh i may not be making much sense, blame the cold medicine. the point is, if you have the ability to not take your depression seriously, i heartily recommend snarking at it or laughing at it or whatever as much as you can. and dissociation is not cause for panic, it's just your brain's defense mechanism so you can keep functioning even when you're going through some shit. it'll clear up once you get the depression dealt with.
it sort of feels like this, but the arguing feels more...separate? idk how to describe it. it's sort of like one me will say something and another me gets pissed and corrects it. but they're both me? and i'm not doing like "and then i'd say this" sort of reasoning with feeling depressed, it's more like a voice comes from nowhere and says "no, that's wrong. don't be stupid" and another says something like "lay off, they're having a bad day" and it's so wonked. at the same time, though, i am definitely saying those things to myself. sometimes i am one of the voices talking to the sads instead of being the sads. and it didn't used to be like this either. it started pretty much with simple low key removing myself from a stressor emotionally to get through it, and deal later. but then after a while there was no later, and my memory is shit and full of holes, and i don't feel like me anymore. or really even know if there was a me in the first place.
