Apparently I don't get how conversations work

Edit: Please stop posting here, the original topic in discussion has been handled

 

Tone and wording might be it. "This is why you're wrong" is a very bad way of handling conversation with many people. That signals a fight and people get defensive. I know I myself would get very defensive and pissed off about it. The word actually tends to be awful too. Avoid this if possible. Again it comes off as signaling a fight or like arrogance. There's a lot of little shit like this that might be part of it? A thing I've noticed that tends to rankle people is sounding too clinical when talking about things like preferences. Because then you sound like an arrogant twat. Not sure if you have that issue. But it is one related to the topic at hand that I've noted that causes issues.

Also talking with Brotherhood ans about FMA 2003 is a gambit and often a losing one. I honestly just don't bother in most cases.

 

...that doesn't seem like shit-stirring to me honestly? I suppose the IDK can sound a bit flippant though? Like how an emote can just send people into a rage because of a sudden tone shift that you didn't notice. Hrmm.

 

I think that honestly part of it might come from just, people being kind of touchy when discussing things they're fans of? Like, I've had people take my discussions as being overly aggressive when I was really just expressing an opinion, because it was an opinion that in some way was negative about a thing they liked.

If that makes sense?

Like, people just kinda get sensitive about these things and tend to read aggression where there is none, sometimes? I can't say for sure without seeing each interaction, but from my best guess that's what's happening.

 

These seem to be topics that are tied to incredibly high stakes things like identity or sexuality. Maybe it's not so much having a different opinion as treating the topic more lightly than it feels to the other person? I'd say with more loaded topics, it helps to go further out of your way to acknowledge and accommodate a conflicting opinion.

Like just for example, instead of bluntly asking why someone liked a particular character, perhaps add by way of explanation that you didn't feel like you were personally able to connect to that character as much. With the RP thing, maybe go on to say that you hadn't realized listing kinks might be uncomfortable for some people.

It's not just verbal fluff, it specifically suggests that the fault, if there is any, might be yours. The point is to demonstrate that you are taking the other person's opinion seriously enough that the outcome of the conversation might change something for you. And really, what is the point of having a conversation if there's no possibility that it could have an impact?

I don't know if that helps any. This does not seem like an issue where you're doing anything wrong so much as part of an ongoing communication problem. With communication, it requires the participation of more than one person to move from idiosyncrasy to problem. In any case I doubt there's a single easy fix.

For what it's worth, I haven't noticed any issues with your conversation. I haven't been around very long, but so far it has all seemed fine to me?

 

Oh man I feel you on this. I used to have this problem all the time - but only with face to face communication. I don't know if I just do it less in written communication or if it really is my tone that made me come off as aggressive, but lately I haven't had anyone telling me that they feel like I'm being aggressive and I hope what it means is that I've fixed my tone (something I thought wasn't possible because how does one just completely alter the way one speaks?) and not that people have just stopped telling me.

 

That... seems like a totally normal conversation to me. And if it was an argument you hardly made it that way all by yourself? I give up, I have no idea what's going on.

 

Also your partner is just wrong. What you were doing looks to me like offering a different point of view that explains why people do X and understanding could allow other people to feel less angry.

 

Has this recently become a point of contention between you and your partner? I get the impression something set this off.

 

I just feel like I'm missing some important background. If a variety of people have been saying this for years, did something happen that prompted you to post about it now?

If not, that's cool. I'm not trying to make you justify your timing or anything. Just trying to understand better through whatever avenues I can think of.

 

That's totally understandable. Sorry for giving you the third degree. I hope you find some answers. ^_^

 

it might be partly based in their perception, and not anything you're specifically doing. i know that i tend to be hypervigilant about tone and anything not obviously friendly can ping me as hostile even if that wasn't the intent.

or it could be a social thing where being sure of yourself and confident in your opinions can read like being rude or pushy because [train noises]

 

i do the same thing, and i don't see anything wrong with these conversations. however, knowing your audience seems to be the key for me. sometimes people disagree and want the thing to drop after a sentence, and then i'll still want to engage with the subject and continue talking about it. it seems to be, for me, a fundamental disconnect in the level at which people want to engage in the conversation. most people want that superficial one sentence-next sentence-drop it quip, which makes it uncomfortable if i explain my reasoning for why i said next-sentence, because that's not what they want. they want bare claims or opinions and not necessarily the reasoning. however, if you get into a deeper conversation, then yeah, all participants will be talking about their reasoning, including me.

part of what i recognize in all these exchanges are differences in opinion. and i think it might be the case that it's okay to say "i disagree" without substantiating it.

to go "that could have gone better" on the partner conversation:

partner only wanted to engage on a superficial level. by defending your opinion that you like it, after they disagree, they see it as an argument rather than an explanation of the disagreement. "argument" here as in the sense of attempting-to-persuade. your partner doesn't want to be persuaded here and gives another reason why they disagree, i think because they're uncomfortable that your opinion differs and that you're trying to persuade them:

this is where it gets weird, because you agreed with them, but not in the way they wanted to be agreed with. seems like they just wanted to have their opinion and you have yours and not have you substantiate yours, and that you continued to engage with it and explain your reasoning came across as (for lack of a better word) proselytizing.

to substitute a could-have-gone-better:
Me: Omg this pic of Pharah -links it-
Them: Eh I don't really like that build on her, doesn't seem canon.
Me: I thought it was pretty neat to think about, and I know you are into lorge and in chorge girls, so I thought you might like it.

that's the only thing i can think of that would keep the conversation on a superficial level instead of an explaining-reasoning level.

this doesn't make any sense, probably, but this is the only thing i can think of that's the common thread across the interactions you want to debug.

 

hmm. just from what ive seen of your posting here you seem to have a background in logic and (im guessing) debate, which might be influencing how you present your opinions? so it might feel to them like persuasion/have a persuasive undertone even if you don't intend it as such

 

i think it's the "why" that they just don't care about. it took me a while to learn that i didn't have to cite reasons for my opinions like i'm writing a MLA-style college-level essay. for some reason people treat "explaining reasons" as "attempt to convert" and? no? that's not what i'm doing?

but people tend to get offended anyway because it's what they perceive. i'm not trying to be right, it's just an opinion, but i do have reasons for my opinion, and i'm not saying your opinions or your reasons for them are bad--in fact, i'd like to know yours--because for fuck's sake it's just an opinion about anime jesus.

some people are also just sensitive about disagreement. (f'r instance, emotional abuse and ptsd from it can ingrain in the survivor's head that having Opinions is Dangerous, and people who substantiate their Opinions are the Dangerous ones, and explaining your Opinions means you are Always Right, and sometimes the survivor wants to be right for once.)

 

i keep having to double-check whether this thread is in the sperglord forum because this entire thread is basically "neurotypicals amirite"

 

idk if you want this thread to continue being a thing considering you blanked the OP, buuut

bolding mine, obv.
The word choices here indicate, to me, a complete disregard for opposing opinions and makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end.
You don't even attempt to phrase your summary of the other side as neutral, your word choice seems to suggest that you don't really want to engage witht he arguments, since your reduce them to ridicule, use derrogatory language and preface your summary with a flippant "I don't care about this at all and am just humoring you" signal word. That comes off as hostile.

 

The wording in that post was completely intentional, because I am hostile towards the point of view we're discussing. I am not neutral on my belief that it's dumb to make what people ship some tumblr sj issue.

 

From my point of view that wasn't what you were saying though. To me it sounded like you were saying being emotionally attached to characters at all is stupid.