WTF Brain Autocorrect? - the majestic sea pancake and other substitutions

when I was sedated in the hospital I kept calling the attending nurse Flint (his name was Cliff)

I also called corn carrots, and referred to the various medical equipment attached to my body, from the IV to the various ECG leads to the pulse-oximeter on my finger, as "tubes"

I forgot the word oxygen too, but somehow remembered oxygen gas is diatomic, so I just referred to it as "oh-two," and got super frustrated when my poor confused family had no idea what I was talking about

 

I have really bad recall issues so I have about a million of these. Yesterday I forgot the word for closet and said "kitchen for clothes"

One time I forgot blender, but remembered the word blend so I said "The thing, you know, it blends things."

Today I called the pantry a "food closet" which isn't wrong I guess.

I once even forgot my dog's name (Ripley) and called her "Dogby" which is an inside joke with the boyfriend now.

 

My mother just now: "You need the thing, for the soup, bzz bzz".

(A hand blender.)

 

I spent most of last evening asking my mum if she'd seen my cocaine.

(CODEINE. I MEANT CODEINE.)

 

"Clothes conditioner" for fabric softener just now.

 

i was talking to my friend about carrots and was like, "yeah once my uncle ate so many carrots that like, bits of him turned orange from the vitamins? uhh, like, especially the bits, uh, the eye covers? eyeball blankets???? eye.....condoms.........HELP ME OUT HERE"
and she was just like
"....eyelids. r u trying to say eyelids."

 

I dreamt my German class was doing sketch comedy. I had come up with a hilarious line involving penguins but I had no idea what the German word was, so I came up with Schwimmenvogel (swimmingbird) combined with trying to mimic the way penguins walk.

(As it turns out, the German for penguin is the surprisingly simple Pinguin.)

 

dressing gowns have been 'blanket suits' in our house for months because i forgot what they were called, asked for my blanket suit, and it's stuck ever since...

 

People dish soap for body wash. Same difference, right?

 

My hands are sometimes tiny people dishes, I can confirm it.

 

I forgot the word for pantry so I said food closet and it has stuck. Also funny my boyfriend tried to help me remember the word pantry by writing it on the fridge with our magnetic letters but he wrote party instead and it was so funny we left it.

 

These are great.

There's a similar thing called a kenning in Old Norse and Old English epic poetry. Kennings usually replace one noun with a two-noun phrase, like "flavour dust" for "spice" or "vegetable eggs" for "seeds," except the epic poetry in question is mostly about killing things with swords. So kennings are mostly swords, stabbing people with swords, boats, and occasionally stabbing people with weapons that aren't swords if the poet was feeling especially creative.

Like, there's "battle flame" (sword) and also "thread shearer" (sword) and also "venom twig" (sword) and "battle light" (sword) and all that's just what I remember from Beowulf. But Eyvindr skáldaspillir kennings a sword as a "battle onion" at some point, and that's quite excellent, in my opinion.

Somewhere in the misty poetic past, some dude has been stabbed with a deadly battle onion.

It makes me happy that kennings as a poetic device have returned to the English language with the modern formula "I forgot what [referent] was called, so I called it [kenning]."

 

This morning my assistant called his arms his "upper legs"

 

Wait, that's not how you call a food closet?

... Fuck it, I'm still gonna call it a food closet.
You know what?

Cold food closet.

Meds closet.

Car closet.

 

Obviously there's no way to find out anymore, but I wonder if that's a pun, both onions and swords being sharp.

 

I'm rather fond of Car Hole a la McMansionHell :D

 

i called a proboscis a "moth face thing" in bio today while talking to the teacher
i meant to say "moth mouthparts"

 

Immersion blender = The Zuzzer

Spoiler: Gross term for parmesan

Baby puke cheese is the family's go to term for the stuff. Partner was both tickled and gently horrified when I first said it. I can't eat this pizza it has baby puke on it.

 

Well he's not wrong per se.... XDD

 

Exhaust fumes, thanks to my brain, have become "car farts". Thanks, noisy moped in front of us...