Suicidal Friend [All the Trigger Warnings]

Today is good. I went to college, made drawings, took care of my house and myself while Will and Ana looked after Gui. I had drawing class downtown but it was just transfered, so now I'm going to Gui's place and give Will the chance to go home and rest. In my communication with Gui today, he seems to be cheerful and proud of himself for handing in some resumés :D

 

Update: I have backread and tagged all mentions of non-suicide triggers. This should make the thread easier and safer to navigate for people who wanna avoid the topics Parental Bullshit, Medical Fuckery, Gender Shit and Rape Mention. I will now systematically tag these topics in future postings. I'm sorry for not having done so earlier, I just didn't have the spoons.

 

I've been silent the past few days because I was way too stressed out and spoonless.

Today was the first day since this mess began that I haven't seen Gui in person at all. It was actually difficult for me. First because I kinda feel I must constantly be assured that he's still here with us, so I wanna be around him to see him and hear his voice. Second because, to be honest, the emotional drain this whole thing has put on me has resulted in me... temporarily losing some coping skills I think? I've been having a harder time being all alone in the house than I'd had in a long time. I did cheer myself up by buying groceries and some tins to use in craft projects which I however don't want to do now. And I did play lots of Dragon Age and that helps. Tomorrow morning I have class, and then... I don't know.

Come to think of it, it's obvious I'm losing some Being On My Own skills during this period. I haven't had a single day in over a week in which I got to decide everything that was going to happen on my own. I've been constantly needing to call the guys so we could all decide together what each of us was going to do next. This itself can be agonizing because I've lived alone for almost five years now and obviously that means I'm used to making my own plans with little to no outside input, and also to have more alone time than I've been having.

 

I also wanted to archive this chat I had with @seebs and some other kintsugijin because I've been looking at it a lot. I copied it to a gmail draft, bolded some bits and have been thinking about them.

Spoilered bit is me describing an incident of Gui accidentally triggering me without knowing it. It's far from being explicit or graphic but I still thought it'd be wise to warn people.

Spoiler: Rape Mention

[07/08/2015 17:45:05] ☆ wixbloom ☆: This morning my friend Gui (the one I've been hanging out with every single day, who is suicidal) made a really dumb sexist joke at me. He immediately realized his fuckup, apologized.
[07/08/2015 17:45:49] ☆ wixbloom ☆: Thing is: the thing he said in a joking tone, my rapist said in a non-joking tone
[07/08/2015 17:46:11] Seebs: ugh
[07/08/2015 17:46:14] Seebs: yeah that is pretty triggery
[07/08/2015 17:46:18] ☆ wixbloom ☆: Yes

[07/08/2015 17:46:42] ☆ wixbloom ☆: And usually I'd talk about that then
[07/08/2015 17:46:58] Seebs: and realizing that he fucked that up can't help his mood any, but you aren't in a great position to be the emotional support for it, but if you have to not talk about it, that also sucks a lot.
[07/08/2015 17:47:17] ☆ wixbloom ☆: Yes
[07/08/2015 17:47:30] ☆ wixbloom ☆: I chose not to talk about it
[07/08/2015 17:47:48] ☆ wixbloom ☆: And just hold the panic back as best I could
[07/08/2015 17:48:00] ☆ wixbloom ☆: And now that I'm home alone
[07/08/2015 17:48:20] ☆ wixbloom ☆: I've been in bed in the dark for like 3 hours
[07/08/2015 17:48:35] ☆ wixbloom ☆: And I can't stop freaking out
[07/08/2015 17:49:21] ☆ wixbloom ☆: And on top of that, I'm actually sad to be away from him
[07/08/2015 17:49:47] Seebs: okay so
[07/08/2015 17:50:02] Seebs: thinking
[07/08/2015 17:50:06] ☆ wixbloom ☆: Given this whole horrible mess, being near him and hearing his voice have been very comforting
[07/08/2015 17:50:15] Seebs: So this might be really really really bad advice, but.
[07/08/2015 17:50:20] Seebs: I think you should talk to him about it tomorrow.
[07/08/2015 17:50:31] ☆ wixbloom ☆: But right now I have to deal with these feelings
[07/08/2015 17:50:36] Seebs: Because I think that the guesture of trust will matter a lot to him.
[07/08/2015 17:50:41] Seebs: Huh. You guys have all-night coffee places?
[07/08/2015 17:51:12] ☆ wixbloom ☆: His house is one, practically... but no we don't
[07/08/2015 17:51:33] ☆ wixbloom ☆: And he's having dinner with some friends tonight
[07/08/2015 17:51:46] ☆ wixbloom ☆: But I think you're right.
[07/08/2015 17:52:55] ☆ wixbloom ☆: Esp because he was worried about me
[07/08/2015 17:53:09] ☆ wixbloom ☆: He is neither 5 years old nor stupid
[07/08/2015 17:53:50] ☆ wixbloom ☆: I'm also feeling horrible because
[07/08/2015 17:54:19] ☆ wixbloom ☆: Wednesday night I had therapy and basically my therapist reminded me that
[07/08/2015 17:54:28] ☆ wixbloom ☆: He is at a huge health risk
[07/08/2015 17:54:52] ☆ wixbloom ☆: And me + his boyfriend is an inadequate support system
[07/08/2015 17:55:47] ☆ wixbloom ☆: No matter how hard we try, we are simply unequipped, his shitheel parents should be helping etc
[07/08/2015 17:56:11] ☆ wixbloom ☆: I left, broke down crying in the middle of the street, called him
[07/08/2015 17:56:12] Seebs: yeah
[07/08/2015 17:56:20] ☆ wixbloom ☆: Yesterday I told him
[07/08/2015 17:56:32] ☆ wixbloom ☆: It's lucky he didn't answer
[07/08/2015 17:57:19] ☆ wixbloom ☆: Because I was a mess and that wouldn't have done him good
[07/08/2015 17:57:34] ☆ wixbloom ☆: OBVIOUSLY he got really worried
[07/08/2015 17:58:02] ☆ wixbloom ☆: I'm such an idiot because I didn't see it coming
[07/08/2015 17:58:25] ☆ wixbloom ☆: But of fucking course he spent the entire night asking if I was ok
[07/08/2015 17:58:30] Seebs: Predicting emotional responses is pretty hard, especially in people who are already stressed out...
[07/08/2015 17:58:48] ☆ wixbloom ☆: And he wanted to know what had been so upsetting
[07/08/2015 17:58:49] Seebs: And I note, one of the things that can help people break a suicidal spiral is feeling like they are able to help other people, too.
[07/08/2015 17:59:32] ☆ wixbloom ☆: How the hell was I supposed to reply "I was reminded that you might still kill yourself at any time"?
[07/08/2015 17:59:36] Seebs: He sounds like a really cool guy.
[07/08/2015 17:59:47] ☆ wixbloom ☆: He is.
[07/08/2015 17:59:48] Seebs: So like... There's a fuzzy boundary here.
[07/08/2015 18:00:10] Seebs: Because saying that could stress him a lot or make it worse. But it could also help him keep that context in mind. Remember that you wouldn't be happier if he did.
[07/08/2015 18:00:52] ☆ wixbloom ☆: Thing is: am I willing to gamble on that?
[07/08/2015 18:00:59] Seebs: Sucky situation to be in, though. The bad outcome is horrible and you can never be sure you could have prevented it, and you can never be sure you couldn't have.
[07/08/2015 18:01:11] Rorleuaisen: Phrase it differently I think
[07/08/2015 18:01:15] Seebs: At the risk of making it worse: Either answer is gambling. They're just different gambles.
[07/08/2015 18:01:21] ☆ wixbloom ☆: Yeah
[07/08/2015 18:01:24] ☆ wixbloom ☆: Yeah
[07/08/2015 18:01:30] ☆ wixbloom ☆: You're right
[07/08/2015 18:02:07] Seebs: My answer has been to gamble on saying the true things even if they sound upsetting, partially because of the credibility thing, partially because it's easier for me, partially because I think that's the path with the best chance of a durable improvement.
[07/08/2015 18:02:07] ☆ wixbloom ☆: I may also be making it worse just by being obviously upset and keeping feelings from him
[07/08/2015 18:02:18] Seebs: That won't be at risk of breaking down if the truth comes out later.
[07/08/2015 18:02:25] Rorleuaisen: Like, I would tell him that having his support/company really helps. Also tell him you worry about him
[07/08/2015 18:02:26] ☆ wixbloom ☆: You are right.
[07/08/2015 18:02:47] Seebs: And the other thing is... I mean, people learn from their context. If you treat him like he can handle stuff, he'll feel a little bit stronger.
[07/08/2015 18:03:45] ☆ wixbloom ☆: I have been considering telling him that I just wanted, when I called on wednesday, to hear his voice and know he was still alive and well
[07/08/2015 18:03:54] ☆ wixbloom ☆: It's the truth
[07/08/2015 18:03:58] Seebs: Yeah.
[07/08/2015 18:04:29] Seebs: Thing is... You can never be sure that something won't just happen to be the one random trigger that could push him over the edge. But you also can't know it won't be the one random trigger that could push him back safely away from the edge. It sucks so much.
[07/08/2015 18:04:48] ☆ wixbloom ☆: Yeah
[07/08/2015 18:04:54] Seebs: But definitely tell him you love him, because he will be better-off knowing that.
[07/08/2015 18:04:59] ☆ wixbloom ☆: I take confort because
[07/08/2015 18:05:13] Seebs: (I have no idea about any hypothetical romantic feelings, but what you have here is unambiguously "love".)
[07/08/2015 18:05:28] ☆ wixbloom ☆: This is the strongest and most obstinate person I know
[07/08/2015 18:05:45] ☆ wixbloom ☆: He's like a brother to me
[07/08/2015 18:06:10] Seebs: Yeah. But it's still a kind of love, and I think a reminder of that in those words might be of use.
[07/08/2015 18:06:17] Seebs: You can't be sure he won't die, but you can be sure he won't die alone.
[07/08/2015 18:06:25] ☆ wixbloom ☆: Yes yes
[07/08/2015 18:06:38] ☆ wixbloom ☆: I've been telling him all the time
[07/08/2015 18:06:49] ☆ wixbloom ☆: Me and Will (that's his bf)
[07/08/2015 18:07:09] ☆ wixbloom ☆: I also told him yesterday that I'm very happy that
[07/08/2015 18:07:30] ☆ wixbloom ☆: For all that we're dealing with this horrible stressful bullshit
[07/08/2015 18:07:54] ☆ wixbloom ☆: We don't stop saying please or thank you or good morning or I love you
[07/08/2015 18:09:29] ☆ wixbloom ☆: I'm a very physically affectionate person too so we also hug and cuddle and hold hands a lot
[07/08/2015 18:10:15] ☆ wixbloom ☆: ^ when things get bad I stare at this pic
[07/08/2015 18:10:27] ☆ wixbloom ☆: That's the 3 of us last Saturday
[07/08/2015 18:10:44] Seebs: Adorable.
[07/08/2015 18:10:48] ☆ wixbloom ☆: My friend had some badfeels and flopped down on the floor
[07/08/2015 18:11:10] ☆ wixbloom ☆: And Will and I just... flopped down with him
[07/08/2015 18:11:53] twoBrokenMirrors: it's super nice to have that kind of relationship, wix
[07/08/2015 18:11:58] ☆ wixbloom ☆: Yeah
[07/08/2015 18:12:03] ☆ wixbloom ☆: I'm so lucky
[07/08/2015 18:13:23] ☆ wixbloom ☆: These people taught me to be comfortable with myself around others
[07/08/2015 18:13:34] twoBrokenMirrors: =)
[07/08/2015 18:14:03] ☆ wixbloom ☆: Being wih them feels like home
[07/08/2015 18:14:08] ☆ wixbloom ☆: Even among this mess
[07/08/2015 18:14:24] twoBrokenMirrors: that sounds like the best kind of environment to help your friend
[07/08/2015 18:14:31] ☆ wixbloom ☆: Yeah
[07/08/2015 18:14:48] ☆ wixbloom ☆: We may be technically ill-equipped
[07/08/2015 18:15:01] ☆ wixbloom ☆: But we do good
[07/08/2015 18:15:22] ☆ wixbloom ☆: He seems to be improving and he recognizes our help
[07/08/2015 18:15:33] twoBrokenMirrors: that's excellent
[07/08/2015 18:15:35] twoBrokenMirrors: one day at a time
[07/08/2015 18:15:47] ☆ wixbloom ☆: He knows he's very loved by us and that we're here for him
[07/08/2015 18:16:10] ☆ wixbloom ☆: And that the best thing he can do for us in return is to look after himself
[07/08/2015 18:17:35] ☆ wixbloom ☆: I actually think part of our lack of resources is doing him good
[07/08/2015 18:17:59] ☆ wixbloom ☆: For example, we can't really be with him 24/7 like the doctors recommend
[07/08/2015 18:18:18] ☆ wixbloom ☆: He still goes to the gym by himself, or takes buses alone
[07/08/2015 18:18:41] ☆ wixbloom ☆: Today due to scheduling conflicts he even ended up alone in his apartment for a while
[07/08/2015 18:19:03] ☆ wixbloom ☆: But whenever that happens, he just promises us that he'll be alright
[07/08/2015 18:19:18] ☆ wixbloom ☆: And so far that's been true
[07/08/2015 18:20:03] ☆ wixbloom ☆: I think this does him good

 

@wixbloom I'm just gonna give you more internet hugs. Once again, you got my email if you need it.

 

A final (at least for now) status update:

Gui is doing okay. He's out of danger, thank fuck, and life is back to normal. He got a job - actually a couple of jobs! - and has some goals again and is making some plans for his life and generally seems a lot more motivated and structured.

Last week he said he can't thank me enough for all the support I gave him through this shitty ordeal. We hugged. We held hands a bit on the bus and I watched all the flowers in bloom outside the window.

I extend my friend's thank-yous to you guys: thanks to every single person who replied, messaged me, chatted with me, emailed me. Your support helped me stay strong, and me staying strong helped my friend stay alive.

Thank you. Thank you.