Spending the night at mom's

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by Allenna, Mar 3, 2015.

  1. Allenna

    Allenna I am not a Dragon. Or a Robot. Really.

    So, my step-father is out of town and my mom wants me to come out and spend the night Saturday. I am torn because spending the night normally means a few good meals - maybe dinner out - maybe a trip to my fav thrift, and a chance to raid her outside freezer with all the meat she buys, freezes, and forgets about. But it would be quite a few hours of dealing with her trying to get me to tell her stuff and lots of talk about my step-father, and probably some more attempts to get me to sign an agreement about money.

    It might be fine. She been really pleasant lately, even made me a dentist appointment and random bought every I had in my amazon cart (amazon pantry order and a lap top pillow fan thing). And she has a whole bag of stuff for me including stuff from my fav make up place.

    Tempted to do it and make it conditional like - I'll do it if we finally get me that new desk chair from Ikea, but that feels really manipulative.

    But I'm not sure it's worth the stress and I never sleep well in that house.
     
  2. seebs

    seebs Benevolent Dictator

    I am inclined to vote against the conditional thing because that sort of plays into her controlling narrative.

    I would tend to vote more for "no, I think I don't want to go stay in the house where the guy who molested me lives, but thanks for asking I guess?"
     
    • Like x 2
  3. rorleuaisen

    rorleuaisen Frozen Dreamer

    Hrm. I'd be careful. I'm not very familiar with the exact relationship with your mom, but I have seen some parents "buy love" in order to gain favor. When things do not go their way, they then use the bought items like a weapon. I second Seebs' opinion on not making it conditional.

    Would she be open to a smaller commitment? Perhaps going out for a while, but not doing the whole overnight thing?
     
    • Like x 2
  4. wixbloom

    wixbloom artcute

    "I can have lunch/dinner, but I'm really busy with [school/college/a friend who recently moved apartments/a commitment to babysit some children/ choose whatever here] so I can only go if you're OK with the fact that I can't stay long and definitely can't sleep over".

    Set conditions that are actually beneficial to the relationship, not ones that make the power imbalance tip further in her favor.
     
    • Like x 3
  5. Re Allyssa

    Re Allyssa Sylph of Heart

    I second the thing about parents buying love and then using it as a weapon. My dad did that a lot with my brother. It sucks man.
    If being around your mom isn't so bad, maybe going out to dinner together is a good idea, but not spending the night.
     
  6. Allenna

    Allenna I am not a Dragon. Or a Robot. Really.

    We are going to have lunch and then I'm going to go home. Hopefully I can keep my boundaries in place during the visit.
     
    • Like x 7
  7. wixbloom

    wixbloom artcute

    Best of luck!
     
    • Like x 1
  8. Allenna

    Allenna I am not a Dragon. Or a Robot. Really.

    Thanks. I think I might have to remind her that I really don't give a shit about hearing about her husband though.
     
    • Like x 1
  9. Allenna

    Allenna I am not a Dragon. Or a Robot. Really.

    I'm so frustrated. I emailed her to ask if we could just have lunch in the city since I'm not feeling well, her solution: she picks me up at 7:30 am to spend all day at her house. And well I can just have a 'lay down' when we get to the house. She trying to bribe me talking about going for sushi and thrifts and then to target and walgreens and that I can get 'anything I want'. I want to cry because no matter what decision I make about this it's going to lead to me being miserable.
     
  10. wixbloom

    wixbloom artcute

    @Kijikun That sucks. Can you try to just say you'll stay at home, then, since you're not up for that all and you can lie down in your own bed, thanks?
     
  11. Allenna

    Allenna I am not a Dragon. Or a Robot. Really.

    See that's part of the problem, I'd wind up feeling guilty and upset the whole day and second guessing myself. And I do want to see my mom? I'm just not sure I want to be there all day. It's so rare I can see her without my step-father be around in some way.
     
  12. rorleuaisen

    rorleuaisen Frozen Dreamer

    Man... I don't know if she'll be receptive, but I would tell her that you aren't feeling well and being at her house stresses you out - therefor makes you feel worse. You could say something about maybe fresh air? Or maybe that you feel safer at your house and she can come visit?
     
  13. wixbloom

    wixbloom artcute

    Hm, some thoughts:
    1) She's the one who should feel guilty for creating an environment for you that makes you be in this situation in the first place. It's not your fault.
    2) That said, I know how unfair this is, but in your situation you're the one who has to set up boundaries, because she won't, and you need to create accountability for them. If you create consequences for her not complying with your limits, she'll adjust, I promise, and your relationship will benefit from it.
    3) What I mean is: it can be painful, but you'll be doing both of you a kindness if you take steps to make her realize that you get to make the rules about how you two interact. You're not doing it to hurt or control her, just to defend yourself.
     
    • Like x 3
  14. Allenna

    Allenna I am not a Dragon. Or a Robot. Really.

    @rorleuaisen sadly my place is still a bit of a complete and utter mess and she'd spend the whole visit cleaning or being very twitchy and disapproving.

    @wixbloom You are completly right and I also need to stop frankly letting her buy me off in a way. It's hard when my brain starts listing all the things I need and wouldn't it be easier to just put up with this so I could have new underwear and cleaning supplies? Because she doesn't seem to care about dropping a ton of money on stuff I need if I'm with her, but if it's money on the amex card she interrogates me about every purchase and didn't I just buy laundry soap, etc. And like I said I want to see my mom, I want to be able to spend time with her without it feel like I'm letting her get away with something. And I have to keep her mostly on my good side until I can get grandfather's car (which horror terorrs I hope has nothing seriously wrong with it)because mine is frankly not going to last the summer.

    I seriously wish I hadn't burned my bridges with my therapist because I seriously could use talking to her (and I am sorely tempted to talk to my partner about the issue and see if he'll pay for me to see her weekly and if she'll let me come back if I'm seeing her every week.)
     
    • Like x 1
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