I need help breaking bad habits.

What the professionals are saying, OP, is that you can get off this bus.

ETA: The way off this bus is not this forum. Too many folks here have their own issues to be able to give you the help you need or to assist you in self-help. They're going to be having their own freak outs, which won't help you and will hurt them.

 

Insofar as the assertion that we're ignoring the actual call of the question posed by the OP, I am wholly disinterested in helping someone who compulsively looks at and collects child porn avoid the consequences of their actions.

The answer to "what can I do to help with my child porn viewing problem" is getting actual professional help, getting put on a list, and reporting your sources. I'm not willing to offer anything else as a suggestion.

 

@Beldaran

This might be a topic for a more general thread, but how does a person go about finding a therapist who specializes in a certain area and is good at it?

 

...OP, if you had no intention of seeking help of any kind, and you say you frequent here, then I’m legitimately confused as to why you started this thread? Especially considering the forum’s advice as a whole for very serious things like this has always been “you need to find professional help, and even we professionals think you need to find help that isn’t this forum”.

I’m not sure what you expected to happen, OP, but this outcome seemed inevitable. At least to me.

 

i was thinking along similar lines earlier and i came to the conclusion that this could very easily be a trolling attempt, but that may just be wishful thinking on my part

 

It's certainly possible, that's true, but it's also possible that it's not. Skinner's Box, if you will. I'm erring in the side it's not, since I don't know for sure and considering the serious gravity of the subject, to call wolf without proof otherwise seems like a detrimental thing to do.

YMMV, obviously.

 

Honestly, there's nothing more I can add that seebs, rigs, and beladran haven't already stated.

If you want to stop for good, and make sure you don't start again, talk to your therapist.

 

for sure, i wasn't trying to say nobody should take it seriously, just sharing a thought i had

 

@sockity mcbadsock i am taking the words you say at face value. and they tell me your a person who has done a horrible, fucked up thing, and decided to minimize and justify it inside your own head, and i'm not interested in playing along with that.

get help. get actual professional help.

 

Doesn't this depend on a lot of factors? Like the country OP is in, for one?

They've committed a crime, but predicting what will happen to them seems more location based than people are estimating

 

OP does need to talk to someone who knows about the laws in his country.

 

The TLDR of all this, OP, is that you have crossed a line that only a professional, your professional, can help you with. If you're not willing to do that, then there's nothing left this forum can do for you. If you really came into this knowing you wouldn't be willing to do even that, then I have trouble believing you actually want or are going to stop. This is me taking your words at face value, remember that you yourself admitted it was a compulsion you didn't have control over to begin with.

What I know for a fact you can control is whether or not you confide in a therapist and go from there. Utilize this bare minimum of control you have to stop contributing to the abuse of children.

Hiding it is not an option, you have a self-admitted lack of control to stop on your own and now the only two options left are you get caught and go to prison later or you confide in a professional and get the help you need now.

Ball's in your court, OP.

 

Some clarification is in order.

I did a horrific thing, this I am quite aware of. I did not think it was necessary to state the remorse and guilt, I assumed incorrectly that it would be apparent.

I absolutely regret doing what I did. And for the time that I did it. Not just because I am afraid of getting in trouble, but because it *is* horrible. I keep attempting to allow myself to rationalize something that has no rationale to it: I did that. I am literally guilty of that. And I completely hate myself for allowing my would-be sex addiction to escalate to something as horrific as it did.

That being said, I will stress that I have completely stopped engaging in this behavior. I haven't masturbated in a month because I start to have anxiety that I might have the urge to seek taboo/illegal content any time I consider it. I do NOT want to be someone who does things like that. I want to make the choices to get better and be a better person.

But I did that. I can't change that I've done it, but I can change what comes now.

Beginning with, an apology to those in this thread. When I made the op, I was panicking. If I were more clear-headed I might have posted it to the Caring Void, to have avoided this public fallout of upsetting all of you. When the first person replied and the thread stayed quiet, I felt as though I had not garnered enough attention for it to matter that I continue to spoiler tag things. I've made many errors and oversights in how I decided to talk about this.

I have spent the day mulling over varied responses, and I am going to speak to my therapist about the compulsion. This may upset many following along, and I'm sorry, but I cannot admit to my therapist the specifics of the content. I will substitute with another paraphilia if necessary for why I'm bringing it up with her.

I want to be better. And I will make efforts to be better. I'm sorry I didn't express these things enough originally, and I'm sorry so many people have been hurt by the thing I did. I didn't realize this would explode so much.

 

Just to add to seebs' point, this right here? This isn't healthy for you either. You shouldn't live of fear and hatred of yourself, you need to engage with your own mind and body in a sustainable and healthy way and the only way you can do that is to talk with your therapist. If you don't think you can bring it up with your current therapist, you can ask for a referral to a specialist.

 

good luck and godspeed, you have a journey ahead of you