having controversial opinions

Discussion in 'Braaaaiiiinnnns...' started by townghost, Sep 20, 2019.

  1. townghost

    townghost mystery crab

    hey guys.

    i’m not sure how to word this, but my identity is often associated with being uhh, a bully? but it’s important to me for what it means. should i just... try to encourage radical acceptance and slow down, stop, think, integration etc concepts ? i’m not dishonest and i try to be agreeable, so if others judge me as something i usually accept it. but as i follow through with their intentions for me, i find that it has no endgame.
     
  2. bushwah

    bushwah a known rule consequentialist

    if you share an identity with people who are trying to make that identity out to being something hateful, and you speak against those people and give a definition of your identity that is different/not hateful, nobody except assholes is still going to judge you for it. it's okay to have things in common with bullies -- the issue would be if they use your shared identity to speak for you, and you know they're doing it and don't do anything to contradict them. (and even that is okay if the bullies are in a position to credibly threaten you.)

    this sounds like it's referring to a mental exercise but I don't understand what the mental exercise is supposed to do in this context

    sorry if I'm way off base, you can ignore this or tell me I'm totally wrong, but I read this as: you attempt to embody every personality trait that's attributed to you, in order to avoid disagreeing with people. is that correct?
     
    • Agree x 2
    • Witnessed x 1
  3. townghost

    townghost mystery crab

    yeah! i try to be whatever people need me to be for their personal development because we all need each other. we’re all mirrors to each other and people need me to reflect back what they’re feeding me for some psychological need that they have. otherwise they wouldn’t demand it. i can’t just come up with something to soothe the problem, i have to let the person guide me into what they are trying to experience with me. or else i could say something just completely wrong and useless that doesn’t apply to them.
     
    • Witnessed x 1
  4. bushwah

    bushwah a known rule consequentialist

    so when someone says they think you're an asshole you act like an asshole to them, when someone says they think you're kind you act kind to them, when someone says they think you're only concerned for yourself you act only concerned for yourself around them? stuff like that?
     
  5. townghost

    townghost mystery crab

    kinda, not exactly. i would fulfill those expectations if i had an agenda with that person, so they’d see me as something they can handle and expect. it’s like. i’m trying to have an arc in their eyes. everyone has their own narrative on my life so i am managing all of them... it’s gotten kind of out of hand
     
  6. No?No.

    No?No. incognito

    right so that's.... not a good way to interact with people, both for yourself, and for people. There's no such thing as 'an arc' in real actual life. People are messy. They don't have character arcs or narratives and trying to fit one to yourself isn't going to work out. Trying to fit people's expectations of you if never going to work and frankly I'd wager that more often than not it'll be some sort of harmful to you. Being friends with someone under the pretense that you're something or someone you're not is never going to be fulfilling for you. It's not even going to be fulfilling for the person you're friends with, because they're always interacting with a fiction of a person and at some point they're going to find out and be hurt by that revelation.

    If you want to be genuinely friends with people? then genuinely BE a kinder version of yourself. personal growth is very much possible, but you have to actually try for that, instead of just putting on a new mask with everyone you meet. It's not worth it.
     
    • Agree x 1
  7. bushwah

    bushwah a known rule consequentialist

    So the people you depend on get nice neat arcs because you present a consistent individualized mask to each of them. But what about you? Where is your narrative going?

    I’m well aware that a mask work specialist is unlikely to tell me this. But it’s a question: if you think a clean narrative is an important incentive, what are you doing to get that for yourself?
     
    • Like x 1
  8. townghost

    townghost mystery crab

    i’m not sure what a mask work specialist is, google is just giving me stuff about skincare.

    i honestly don’t know. i just want a redemption arc. people to finally see that i’m not really bad. but that’s not what i really wanted all along. obviously i wanted to be a kid and be out of the competition and be in a safe space. i think humanity should be a community to where we just understand and take care of each other. now that i’m really an adult there’s never time to rest. all i really had was the internet and it felt so exposing. i felt like i had to be on top of every idea i see there. but now i see we’re so small and obscure here. i tried to accept what ruben told me, that no one owes me anything/i might be abandoned because of my behavior. but it just feels like a death sentence. i just wanted to hold on to them? sorry dude. i already cried and hardened up about this. i just don’t want to suffer anymore. i just want to be good. i used to want to be around the “best” people but maybe that’s not right, because i’m rejected. but i also don’t resonate or feel like people who are on “my” level. i feel like everyone perceives me as less than who i am.

    wow this got whiny. i just wanna be mourned for. i just want someone to hold the pain with and look at it until it becomes less scary and life threatening.

    i’m literally just poor, i’m trans, but i’m even white. some would just call me white trash and be done with it. i did all this work to explain why i wasnt working on myself

    i fantasize about telling my whole story in a piece of art one day. either a book or a comic. just idk if that’s realistic or right or possible. i want the fabled “chosen family” but i can just not get chosen. and the people i want to love don’t even function on the same standards as i do
     
  9. townghost

    townghost mystery crab

    that post was so whiny i feel like i need a sense of humor
     
  10. townghost

    townghost mystery crab

    also having a direct experience with nature/material deprivation and knowing She can take your life away at any moment for no reason or sin of your own was... grounding and very harrowing at the same time. being human and giving really is all that is keeping us alive. i feel afraid to die in the heat knowing i had no one to hold on to as we leave this planet. it really sucks. withholding/giving is a hard concept for me
     
  11. townghost

    townghost mystery crab

    i just got triggered as shit thinking about this. kind of feel like i need the hospital now because it’s just... i almost died of this scenario i created. i had to be like this and idk how to do it backwards. scary. in the hospital humans watch you so you don’t die. i wish i had infinite time but i’m just one trans human.

     
  12. townghost

    townghost mystery crab

    0 to “i don’t wanna die alone, i’m scared to die” real fast huh? sorry guys, this may be the boundaries i’ve heard of
     
  13. jacktrash

    jacktrash spherical sockbox

    that's not a boundary violation, that's absolutely ok. it's ok to share that you're afraid. i don't think you're using it manipulatively or anything.

    as for 'identity associated with being a bully' i think you need to work out what part of that is you and what part is trying to fit in, and that's hard to do when you have bpd. i think you said you have bpd? the talk of needing to be what people think you to be makes it sound that way, anyhow. that's not healthy, man. it's not something you can just decide to stop, i get that; it's a personality disorder, it develops from being systematically invalidated. it's not your fault and it doesn't make you a bad person. but it's messing you up.

    you're not going to get any traction on disentangling your transman feminism from terf rhetoric, or whatever your initial post is referring to, until you've got a more solid sense of self to be working from. that takes time.

    you'll get there. you're ornery. i believe in your will to survive.
     
    • Witnessed x 1
  14. jacktrash

    jacktrash spherical sockbox

    btw, i'm moving this over to 'brains', bc it's a psychology question. i think you'll get more of a response there.
     
    • Witnessed x 1
  15. townghost

    townghost mystery crab

    • Like x 1
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