Adulting is Hard etc

got lucky & got a nice doctor, no fuss, appointment less than 15 min. just waiting at the pharmacy now. phew.

hopefully it won't take too long for my body to chill out once I'm back on the meds...

Spoiler: period tmi

...since first day of bleeding I was going thru a tampon every 4 hrs. all I can say is WHAT A WASTE OF RESOURCES. why is this necessary.

I've been too tried and stressed to wrangle the other phone calls I need to make but hopefully ill have the energy this week...

 

I got a small xmas bonus of like $150 which gives me some breathing room to buy food...re-budgeted and realized I didn't factor in my roommates paying me their share of the utilities so I'm getting by.

still struggling to get enough sleep.

so many phone calls...I only got one done...sigh.

 

no news is good news and all that...

managing. still need to make like 3 diff doctor appointments but.

I stupidly accepted a day off during the recent snowstorm bc I was exhausted but forgot to ask my manager to use PTO to cover it so now I'm back to where I was w/ my budget before the holiday bonus...sigh. At least I did bring up a raise & manager said reviews should be in Feb. and she'll be advocating for me bc I've been working my ass off.

Had my last appt w/ my old psychiatrist, thankfully she had stuff sorted to streamline the process of me getting a new one.

getting my booster shot next week (waves flags) it was a huge pain in the ass to even get the appointment bc local pharmacies are a mess. I made sure to put in a day of PTO for the day after this time.

 

ok. I made it. sort of.

got past the tightest part of the financial situation at least. like I'm not out of the water but I can buy real food now. (I'm fine I did not starve I was just battling my executive dysfunction to actually use up the food I had to cook instead of just microwave.)

Spoiler: thinking out loud, money stuff

finished paying back the car repair place directly so now its...

-the high interest credit card
-my regular credit card
-the loan

...I did my taxes just gonna send them in today & that will take a big chunk out of the "pay this in 6 months or pay 30% interest" card, so then I just need to pay off the last ~$200 or so over 4 months. The loan comes right out of my acct and has been factored into the budget, so it's just my regular credit card left...I'm thinking I should sit down and plan using my tax return to help pay it down...? bc I do have that 4 months for the other card so it seems better to maximize...paying as little interest on my regular card as possible. esp because it fucked me over this month.

(I double checked that I had enough on it for the internet bill this month but the payment bounced anyway bc the banking app doesn't tell you how much is actually useable on it???? like it says a number of how much you used of the balance but it's not the actual amt you can use so it was literally $3 short...I caught it literally 2 hrs after the payment bounced and paid manually but they may charge me to declined payment fee regardless...hurgh)

...I also had to pay $15 overdraft because an autopay went thru on my checking 2 days early, I guess because February, which I am ...deeply annoyed about but at this pt. ok. whatever. at least THAT didn't bounce.

...extra annoyance is that the car has had an alignment done 3 times in the past 6 mo. but its *still* drifting slightly to the right. it's not getting worse so I'm just. dealing. but I would really like to get to the bottom of that especially after I've dumped $6000 into it. I'm wondering if I should take it to a different place just to get a fresh eye on it. there's also the brakes making an occasional weird noise despite me asking the mechanic if they were ok (told me yes) and a mysterious clanking on the left side somewhere whenever I go over a bump. for that one I have to empty everything out of of the car to check because I would feel very stupid if I ask a mechanic to look and it turns out it's just something rolling around under my seat.

I also have a feeling I'm coming up on needing new tires. hh.

 

just crossing fingers at this pt but in addition to a possible raise w my review, the person in charge of people w/ my position in the company said she was working on getting us all industry-standard wages. [a.k.a. $25!!!] that may take at least 6 months but at least it's on the table. I'm hoping that the turnover the past year has smacked corporate in the face enough...

its crazy to me how bad just losing the Sunday time & a half has been for my budget. (state voted to drop it to 1.2x and also I haven't been doing Sundays...ultimately it's w.e. because it's better for me to have consistency and the Sunday transit schedule sucks, but) like a whole $200/mo. it sucks... I've been trying to tack on 30 mins to the end of my shifts since I'm not hitting even 35 hrs thanks to the store not being open that much.

 

lies on the floor

things are too complicated augh

finally sent in my taxes after sitting on them for like a week or two because I didn't have the executive function to pay the $15 to file them. lol. brains were a mistake

need to sit down and do another budget calculation now that I know what I'm getting back. utilities cost jumped this winter and mannnn it sucks.

extremely annoyed bc I have to pay another fee bc my credit card was a couple $ short for the internet bill and I didn't realize bc my banking app just shows like. the balance before interest or whatever and not the actual available balance??? roommate offered to take the utility bills at least until I can pay down my card so have to set that up...

why must money be this stressful. I'm trying to hit 35 hrs/week by staying an extra 30 mins every day to make up for my break but w/ increased cost of utilities, rent + utilities is now more than 1 paycheck. :)))

...


in other work news my manager quit, I guess she has the buffer money to do so and had a lot of stuff going on...wishing her the best but she always had my back & now I'm nervous about who might replace her. our current asst. manager is nice but he is like brand new so idk if he's gonna get the offer. I just hope we don't get another control freak. we at least have hired enough people again that I'm not having to cover floor shifts...

 

....so, a week before I'd be able to keep it by the apartment full time because I can park it on the street again (Instead of leaving it at MiL's house) the car dies on me. it's 100% the alternator and I had to get it towed and I'm pissed because I ASKED THE REPAIR PLACE TO CHECK THE ALTERNATOR SPECIFICALLY and they told me it's fine, it's the battery, and charged me 3.5k for other stuff instead.

towing guy was very nice and gave me a bunch of advice, he also said its possible to damage the alternator during an engine wash so...either they fucked THAT up or they didn't check it like I told them to...I guess I need to find a new mechanic.

im just leaving it for now because lol what money. as repairs go it's not the worst but I'm still playing off at least 4k in loans so. urgh. we'll live for a bit...


still waiting on upper management to do my fucking yearly review and give me a raise...hello...asst. manager nearly quit because they've been having him do the manager job & yet not giving him manager permissions for things, apparently they promised someone would come train him properly so we'll see. they've been super dragging their feet on finding someone and idk if its because they literally can't or what. but management in this company is notoriously slow as shit. I miss my original manager every day, but no wonder she got promoted, shes like the only person that got shit done...

talked it over with Aki and as much as I like my job if they're going to skimp on raises I'm going to actually start looking for something else so...we'll see...idk how much is out there other than doing suit alterations which. I'm sure I can learn but I'm reluctant to enter any industry that's mostly dudes...esp because formal wear is going to mean a totally different dress code...I know I'm overthinking it but. hhh.

I've decided to ask for $23 when I have my review and hope for the best. even $20 would be something.

 

ok. ok.

apparently district manager is going to be here in person tomorrow and I have. some. Ammunition.

tl;dr the manager at my old store (who I came to my current store to escape because she was a huge bitch to me) admitted to her asst. manager that she intentionally gave me a bad review so I wouldn't get a raise last year

and then she fucking LIED to me and said the company wasnt giving raises bc of Covid

and that's not even the worst thing she's done

(she quit recently and now it's coming out that she verbally harassed her employees, sabotaged them, talked behind all their backs, etc. they all hated her guts bc she tried to turn them against each other but they just shared her shit-talking with each other and bonded instead)

she also got her old asst. manager to resign by bullying a teenage employee to falsify a sexual harassment complaint against him (said teenager came forward on her own later bc she felt guilty about it which is why I believe this, also he was middle aged and gay. not saying it can't happen but the specific evidence + shitty manager's pattern of behavior is. jesus.)

so like...what the FUCK.

the current asst. manager (who told me all this) is in fact the person I trained as my replacement there and I told her how bad I felt that I basically left her in that environment and she was like "lol no it's GOOD you got out when you did"

 

brain super fried but I'm...hanging in there.

feels like I keep saying "I'll be out of the woods after this month" but the date keeps being pushed out... x.x hoping this time for real (I get paid 3 times next mo.)

they did raise our rent but only $50 split between the 3 of us so it's. manageable...I'm not looking forward to the electric bills this summer tho. ugh.

going to attempt to fix the car this week. my dad thinks its possible the battery isn't fried but I'm p sure it must be...

also weird: I was supposed to have my therapy intake next mo. but I got a call last week to call back and make an appointment??? so I'm just. super confused. so need to set aside time to make the call...


I havent had the talk w upper management yet because I haven't been able to coordinate a time for it and then things got super busy at work...I need to get on that

 

things were getting better. i paid off my loans & got my raise. seriously thinking abt initiating the process for top surgery.

recieved horrible medical news about someone close to me and I'm trying to keep my shit together for them rn. I just need to scream

 

OK.

why are doctors SO FUCKING BAD at explaining things

-it's bad but not "immediately dying" bad.
-requires drastic lifestyle change that is doable but would have staved off permanent damage if it were adequately explained why and how YEARS AGO
-instead all they got was "just lose weight lol" & no other guidance
-have had to do all their own research basically.
-small chance it could get worse but second worst case scenario is it stays as it is right now for the rest of their life, if they're diligent.

some breathing room. not much, but it's better than "go write your will".

 

the good news.

basically after pulling teeth I finally got my raise and then like a month later the head person for my position negotiated for me to be bumped up to the same wage range as the most expensive area of the country (which we SHOULD be counted as) so I got another one. Huge relief.

corporate has been so fucking stupidly stubborn about this, they lost a newly hired manager to a better offer bf they even started, literally everyone who quit this year cited money and YET...it's not fucking sinking in??? lol

I know every company does this it's just. jesus christ. they can't even be honest with themselves about it.



anyway biggest item on my list rn is remembering to make a GODDAMN DOCTORS APPOINTMENT bc I have several things I need to go over

Spoiler: medical shit, reminders to self

-follow up on the Reynauds, was told they want to test for autoimmune stuff (it did not occur to me that aside from my dad's thyroid shit my mom has not 1 but TWO autoimmune issues soooo.)

-my newly crunchy knees, which I have at least been maintaining with some support sleeves I got + stretches. I have a feeling I fucked them up bc I was elevating my feet at my work desk to deal w/ the circulation issues and I just hyper-extended the joints too much. -_- it's not Aki's level but I def have some sort of mild hypermobility & I know bad knees run in the family. I got these elastic compression sleeves that are supposed to emulate sports tape and they seem to help for both recovery and support when I know I'm going to do sth strenuous.

-I got a cyst under my arm ( :/ ) I know it is one bc it developed during a time I was doing a lot of physical activity and cleaning the area/sweating less made it drastically smaller but I can still feel it there. & apparently they should be biopsied to be safe even if they seem benign. ugh.

-keep meaning to make a dermatologist appointment just to keep an eye on my beauty marks etc. wondering if I should actually write down where they all are bc my memory is bad and I can't remember which ones might be new.


-had realization that part of the reason i hate exercise is my chest dysphoria. like I had a feeling but I realized that the whole experience of sweating in a bra is specifically hellish, even more for me than it is for people who *want* their boobs, because it's a glaring reminder they exist. Going to initiate the process. I promised myself to get them gone before 35, I don't want to waste any more years of my life with them.

talked to my brother & he offered to actually come help out for top surgery recovery. apparently this would be like the 4th time he has helped someone w/ top surgery which is honestly hilarious.

(he also came out to me as pan/poly and apparently he & his wife fixed some marital tension bc she turned out to be bi/poly and now they have a cute gf??? happy for them. He was actually gushing to me how cute his wife and gf are together, lmao. I feel like i should have seen it coming bc at least 60% of his childhood friends turned out some flavor of queer.

so now it turns out all 3 of us siblings are Not Straight lololol apparently my sister has also been living her best bi life visiting friends+ [disapproving bc covid but otherwise happy for her] )

Edit: extra funny bc my mom was talking to me a few months ago abt SIL coming out as bi and how she was ~worried~ SIL would leave my brother to date girls (BIGGEST EYEROLL IMAGINABLE) and I'm sitting there trying to hold her hand through understanding why that's a stupid shitty thing to say. guess what mom! it's fine! they're both dating some girls together. (and some boys & other genders apparently)

he was actually asking me for advice on coming out to mom & I was like "she won't get it, she won't hate you for it but she WILL be weird and awkward about it and she WILL gossip so evaluate if you're ready for that". apparently my sister told him the same thing lol.

(the snag is SIL's family/mother is. much more religious & conservative so the concern is my mom keeping her stupid mouth shut so it doesn't reach their ears. I don't rly trust her given she outed me to my grandma w.o asking, but it's up to bro & wife.)

 

I just need to howl about this somewhere:

my company has been making noises about renovating our store for a while, and they finally got the permit approved...a month bf one of the biggest retail holidays of the year. lmfao. ON TOP OF THAT...two days in it turns out NO ONE EVER CONTACTED THE BUILDING LANDLORD and hooboy. I can't imagine the flat out scrambling they were doing at corporate. (apparently they hired non-union contractors & the landlord has union contracts and...WHEWWW)

Thankfully none of this shit affects me because they just moved my workstation to the stockroom for the time being so I'm just sitting here eating popcorn listening to the shit go down.

 

things are. going.

Looking at my post frequency here I'm gonna count it as a good thing. Lost of stuff happened.

Car needed more extensive repairs just bc old, at this point I've poured like 10k total into it over several years and I feel like I've replaced everything but the brakes (which are next...) This time it was half the exhaust system and the catalytic converters. (shrieking) At least I was able to get interest-free payment plans for it. I keep wondering if it's sunk cost but hearing about used car prices rn it's. it is what it is, you know. it's a Camry. it'll keep on trucking. Also it has sentimental value and heated seats.

(knocking on wood) money situation is improving, I got ahead on the car repair payments thanks to tax returns. Going to keep to the initial time frame for credit score reasons and just pay a small amount each month.

my plan is as soon as I'm actually building up some savings I'll finally start a 401k...not sure if I have to wait til next fall for enrollment but.

Spoiler: Medical

the cyst seems to be benign/just sweat related but new doc gave me a medication to apply to it and while it shrunk a lot it's still there after like. 3 months. I think it might be an ingrown hair gross.

after uhhhh a year I finally got assigned a therapist and now I can hardly remember why I wanted to get back into therapy (tbf a lot of my. problems are financial related at this point). going to...read back thru this thread for any insight, lol.

Still need to see about a dermatologist and it looks like I'm coming up on needing an eye exam...blah.

Got my thyroid etc tested and apparently it looks OK but my cholesterol is high...it's definitely a genetic thing because I started reading the labels of the food I usually eat and I don't seem to eat anywhere near the max daily amount. (I know it's from my mom's side bc she always freaks out about it.)

switched to lite dairy products anyway (weh) but it really looks like my solutions are exercise and meds. I'm hoping that once I get top surgery exercise will be more appealing without the sensory hell.


Spent a stupid amount of time on hold trying to get Aki a prior authorization for a specialist and I want to strangle insurance companies with my bare hands.

in GOOD NEWS I got started on the road to top surgery! I have a list of surgeons to research rn.

 

many things, I wish to sleep for a week.

I agreed to go with my mom to visit my grandma (who is in that state where she could live another year or two weeks) and it...could have been worse, I guess.

(re: my grandma...I'm doing ok at the moment, she's been going downhill for years now so it is what it is. She was a complicated person.)

My mom is still Herself. (BIGGEST SHRUG EMOJI)

Spoiler: gaslighting...

At some point when we were at my grandma's she was helping the carer put gma back in bed with one of those hydraulic lifts. I'm in the other room and I hear gma yell in pain suddenly. My mom's response? "Ohh you're fine it doesn't hurt."

...this after my grandma, a Loud NY Italian, had been very quiet all day and barely responsive to conversation (she does have hearing aids but to me it seemed more like she heard us but the effort to reply was very difficult or she wasn't quite processing it.)

So I'm sitting there like "what the FUCK" and my mom then calls someone (a relative I think) and is telling them how grandma's knee hits this one part of the lift and it's hurting her. Then asks me to help her find a towel or something to pad that spot with.

I wish I had said something but I was so...stunned by the blatant denial of pain she *knew was real* to the person's face. The most charitable thing i can think is that she didn't realize it in the moment but still why is her first reaction to deny when someone expressed pain?? (I know why.) Why didn't she even apologize then??? Just. holy shiiit.

I managed to tell my parents about top surgery and it went...surprisingly well? So that's a load off my plate. (the most they said was "as long as you're sure about it" and my mom said that if my insurance doesn't cover it I'd better not get more into debt. lol. ok.) Though when I mentioned my brother offered to help take care of me my mom was like "well you have ME!" And it took a lot of self restraint not to be like "oh yeah because you took such good care of me after I had my wisdom teeth out. :)))" Not to mention what had JUST HAPPPENED under the spoiler cut...

what did not go well...

So my brother & his wife are poly and apparently he did tell my mom because she was coming to visit and he didn't want unexpected awkwardness while their gf was there.

My mom...told him that she doesn't care what he does, but he's not allowed to show any physical affection or indication that he has a relationship with his gf while in her presence, because "it makes me uncomfortable" and "He made a promise to his wife when he married her."

His wife. Who. is also dating the same person.

Yeah.

The kicker is my mom went on to admit aloud that the reason she doesn't like it is because her dad cheated on my grandma and left her (among other things like "being a generally abusive shithead")

I attempted to explain that the big difference between her dad being a shithead and my brother having a CONSENSUAL POLYAMOUROUS RELATIONSHIP is...well...CONSENT.

But nah, she kept doubling down and saying it was reasonable to demand her son hide his relationship from her for her comfort, it's not at all like telling your gay child they can't hold hands w their date in your presence, etc. I even said "so if he weren't married you wouldn't care?" and she said "Yes because marriage is a promise and he's breaking that promise. I didn't even want to get married but I wanted kids." (as in she would have just lived w my dad w.o getting legally married but she needed the legal status to raise kids.)

1. holy shit this explains some things

2. she needs SO MUCH GODDAMN THERAPY

...I kind of went off on her about it, which I only regret because I feel like it made me look crazy, but I stand by the fact that she's being an asshole. She's allowed to FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE but those are her feelings to deal with, but ofc she can't understand that other people need different things than her to be happy.

That kind of segued into me talking about how frightening it is to be LGBT right now and the response I got was "oh don't worry we live in a blue state you won't get hate crimed."

....thanks.

(drags hands down face)

 

Family Drama update:

talked to my brother and

-my mom apparently told none of these feelings about his relationships to his face, but had my dad do it for her

-he was going to come to my cousin's wedding this weekend. My parents rented an airbnb so they didn't have to drive all in one day. My brother's gf has family in the general area, so she was going to drive him there, stay the night, and go on to visit with family & he would go to the wedding.

-My parents REFUSED to let her stay the night after finding out she is his gf and not just "a friend".

(there is plenty of space. Considering I'm not staying either.)

-My brother is not going to my cousin's wedding anymore.


I still need to break it to my mother that she should not approach or speak to my partner while we're there.

I'm going to have to profusely apologize to my poor cousin for any awkwardness... (she got the heads up that my mom & my partner are not on good terms at least)


(screams into pillow)

My brother also thinks our parents might actually be having relationship trouble...who knows. What I DO know is that my mother is in a hell of her own making and she's going to be very alone near the end of her life.

My grandma is still hanging in there, somehow.

 

Not going to lie, I have a very difficult time wrapping my head around how someone can support LGBT+ rights etc but think being poly is bad. Like I get that plenty of people are like that but I think the cognitive dissonance would make my head explode. What happened to "if everyone involved is a consenting adult and not hurting anyone then it's fine"???

My brother seems a lot happier now, he talked about how his life has improved having more people in it (he has 2 gfs and a bf currently, I'm not sure how many people his wife is with but they have a triad w/ one of them). Half a decade ago I probably would have been weirded out by my brother telling me about his journey of self discovery through the kink/poly scene but honestly I'm cool with it, lmao. Like...he was "nerdy cishet white dude" for most of his life but so many of his friends from HS/etc turned out some flavor of queer so it was kind of a matter of time??? lmao

He's also come around to the idea that he's autistic which. I was never quite sure but Aki absolutely clocked him as such and told me, lol. He actually asked me if I thought I was and I explained that I'm probably not but my specific ADHD flavor puts me like...very adjacent. (to the point where it's easier for me to interact with Autistic people than NTs or even some other ADHD people...) And then I was like "BUT it definitely runs in the family because Dad--" and he interrupted me to say "--YEAH."

lol.

He made a joke about how the kink scene is autism friendly because "nowhere else can you give a literal answer to a question, and then if the other person gets mad you didn't pick up on the subtext, it's THEIR problem and not yours."

He's also going by he/they pronouns now which. ONE OF US. (it sounded like he still considers himself mostly cis atm but hey, it's a personal journey and I am supportive however it turns out.)

...anyway I fully support them setting firm boundaries with Mother Dearest and I don't regret yelling at her for being an ass about the poly thing anymore.

 

okay. the wedding was fine, actually. But Car Problems (TM) are happening again and I want to scream.

so I need to get the brake pads/rotors replaced soon & was going to do that this month, then look into new tires.

OTW to wedding the tire pressure light comes on. I check the tires they seem fine. remind self to check spare tire in trunk when we get home.

Open trunk a few days later. Mold on the underside of trunk rug/on trunk board. ???? Looks new as it hasn't sunk into the wood yet. Spend several hours cleaning it--it's all over the spare tire/well but not above the rug. Google some stuff, apparently it can happen when water gets in there somehow. see a few spots that look likely but unsure.

then we're doing a grocery run and I happen to notice that there's a nice dent and part of the right tail light cover is broken. I have no idea when it happened, bc I'm usually walking around the left side of the car so it could have been there for a while. The right side faces the sidewalk when I park at home so it was most likely when I park for work or w.e. But again no clue of timelines. However the broken tail light cover could explain the mold bc it was rainy recently & maybe water got in that way.

now hoping the tire pressure light is maybe related, but no idea. the dent is fairly high up so probably some shitty SUV. -_- Auuuuuughhhhhh

a fucking pox on people who hit and run. shitty assholes.

not to mention I keep finding new places where body screws have fallen out & need to replace those. I'm going to go see if I can get one of those...plunger things to fix dents and assess if I can seal the light somehow til I can get it fixed...I'm going to need to find a shop that does body work bc I'm not going back to the last placed that scammed me...fuuuuuck.

 

good news: the nice young fellow at the auto parts store gave me some advice, apparently tail light replacements are a fairly easy DIY. Got 80% of the dent out with a kettle full of boiling water and my foot (the only way I could get enough leverage, lmao.) The rest I'll try when I remove the light so I'm not pouring water on possibly exposed electronics.

Ordered the parts as well as a whole set of extra body screws since I keep finding myself needing them. So that's 2/3 new problems addressed, at least...

I'm gonna bet the pressure sensor was probably fucked w by the dent but I'll have to ask the guy who does my brakes to look into it. I'm annoyed bc I just had all 4 replaced last year. hopefully it's just a little rattled and not totally destroyed...

Brakes are also a possible DIY but it looks like I'd save maybe $150 so idk. it's not something I really want to chance screwing up so that feels worth it to me, a days work is a days work...(because it would probably take an entire one of my days off...) and one of my car credit cards is paid off so I can use it for the 6 months no interest thing again.

this month I want to focus on getting as close to 40 hrs/week of work as possible, the extra hundred or so is gonna be worth it...

 

Grandma passed away about a week and a half ago. I'm doing ok, all things considered. Maybe it'll hit me harder later, I don't know.

Got to see my siblings, was surrounded by enough other family to be a Mom Buffer.

Had a good heart to heart with my sister about various things.


...so I waited until I paid off one credit card to take the car in to get the breaks done and...whew. it ended up being $1000 more than I expected...probably should not have been driving it in that state... (stares at the wall) Plus the tires had not been replaced since 2016.

it sucks but between Aki & I we worked out a budget, and this was the last big neglected repair I know of, so just gotta. Get thru it. I'm hoping that now that certain things that were hanging over my head are behind me, I can focus on work and maybe some stuff on the side to pay things off faster...



Right now my big things are

-get a doc appointment to look at the cyst again since it hasn't gone away -_-

-pick a surgeon and schedule top surgery

(I did manage to sit down and do a bit of research on the list I was given and narrow it down, at least, but I wanted to look for a site that talked about doctors in terms of trans friendliness, results, etc...)