Re liveblogs life

Ty! I love Ruben so much. ;~; He makes me miss my bulldog lol

 

Five months and 17 days later, and I finally put together my bed frame to get my bed off the floor

 

It also helps with Project Clean Room and has been kind of a mental stumbling block (actually physical too lol) in like getting that done

so it's at least a medium victory! just late xD

 

I finally pulled enough spoons together to get this Dumpster Fire taken care of. [tw abuse].

A little irritated at myself that it's taken over two years to get this 15 minute phone call done. But I think this is one of the first times I've been able to face this fiasco without actually being that upset about it?

Plus I already had a little anxiety in my chest anyway, so I said fuck it.

I got a GREAT agent on the line and she is like "I am going to take care of this and we should keep hounding each other until it's done" and I'm like "YES PLEASE THANK YOU"

Seriously, I could cry. If this finally gets done, it'll be one of the biggest things off my shoulders... like it's a back burner things, but there's so much back there and this is huge and I'm just ;alsdkjfa;dslkf

I might've come out of this with more spoons than I started with...

 

What is the only thing that will reliably get Re out of bed on a Saturday? And to dust off her tumblr?

HOMESTUCK OF COURSE

HOLY FUCK

 

So I just had to drop boyfriend off at the airport, which always makes me feel like shit. This time especially because we was supposed to have moved in with me at the beginning of the year and just.... hasn't. I've been compromising with visits because I can't just not see him while I wait for him to get up the courage to do the thing...

Also, I'm on withdrawal from propranolol, which I only recently learned is a thing I should be avoiding like the plague. (Fixed as of now - waiting for it to kick in)

But I needed to get groceries, so I went in to get some basics and I just kind of walked around the store in a daze. I had/have a headache and felt out of focus.

When I went to check out, the cashier was complaining about something with the other cashier, accidentally said something like "fuck this" and then apologized and I was all "oh, i don't care" and then she kept talking about... something? The problem was that she was mumbling a little, which wouldn't be a huge problem normally, but my audio processing was out of order, apparently, because I couldn't only catch like 1 word every other sentence. And I felt bad! Because it sounded like she wanted input or commiserating. I couldn't say anything meaningful, so I kind of nodded along and said "yeah" or "that sucks" when it sounded about right. I think the issue was dating related? I only kind of caught that near the end.

When she's done and I'm waiting on the card processor, she says "I'm sorry. I don't usually talk much to customers like that. But you looked like you'd really get me, you know?" Which I was actually able to parse all that. But I said "thank you!" in reply, which in retrospect... Anyway she said thanks again and have a good day, etc and I told her to have a good one too.

And like, despite my brain being what it was, this is a Good Story. It gave me the warm fuzzies to hear her say that. That even though I had to have looked high as fuck and could barely follow the conversation, she thought I'd be able to help, and I did end up helping by just listening.

And that's just... That's really important to me? Like... It's not the first time a stranger or an acquaintance has reached out to me out of the blue. I have some friends who like, they're friends, but we never really talked deep or one on one, but they show up in my DMs telling me their story either just to vent or ask for advice.

And it's really moments like that that make me feel like I'm not lying to myself when I feel like I've been called to this. Like, supernaturally? Like I have a God-given gift for helping people and I should probably use it more often.

There are times when like... Even though I don't really know what I'm saying, I know I have to say it and the person will get what they need out of it, but I need to say it Now. Or, where I really understand what a person is thinking, or what their anxiety dream meant or what have you, even though they themselves have no clue. Or when I ghost drift with my mom over 2,000 miles away. I'm also oddly very calm in situations of actual emergency. All my anxiety just turns off, and either I triage or I'm confident that it'll all be okay, or both.

It feels conceited to think I might have some sort of ~supernatural power~ or something, but it's not like I think only I have something like that. I think a lot of people do! It still feels weird to like... declare it for myself?

But yeah, anyway, that was a nice experience and it cleared the fog away enough that I could drive home safely.

 

Welp, if I'm gonna just this, time to shit post.

Someone in our email Queue:

My brain: Pardon me, are you Aaron Burr, sir?

 

So I play this hidden objects game and those names reuse the same items a lot

Sometimes I know where everything is, but this game does switch it up enough that there's at least some challenge to it still

Once in a while the last item I'm looking for is a hairbrush.

My brain: Oh wheeeere is my hairbrush? Oh wheeeere is my hairbrush?

 

Yup, the veggietales song!

It was a silly songs with Larry. I don't remember which episode exactly, but it was one of the earlier ones

 

You know something's wrong when you're trying to tally up medical bills and end up with THREE different results....

 

The three numbers -
1) What the doctor says I owe them based on billing statements
2) what the doctor says I owe them based on one big ass statement that has the full breakdown (less than #1)
3) and what the insurance says they paid (less than both #1 and #2)




edit for clarity

 

Blaaaarg so I call them and they say #2 isn't valid because if the insurance overpaid, that money doesn't go to the patient balance, ie me, but back to the insurance company =/

I ended up paying #1, but I think there's still a problem with #3. I'll have to look at it again. Or it's just $40 maybe I don't bother xP

 

In other news, the only time I'm counting on being about to use exdad's insurance falls through because the entire plan was cancelled in April. They were going to cover me until the end of this year xP

I was kind of counting on that to have a buffer time in getting a new job but OH WELL

 

*blows dust off blog and then coughs* so yeah been a while

Have my Father's Day contribution to the internet:

My mom when I post the convo to facebook: My husband and daughter have a very dark sense of humor. It's not always easy for me to catch up. Lol
Me: ... I got it honest? XD

(The joke being, for those that don't know, Joe/my dad is technically my step dad that I only met when I was 18. but shhhhh)

 

I think there's even more dust on this thread than the last time I posted in here.

I've really missed Kintsugi and I've been letting the anxiety/guilt combo of not really doing any modding here keep me away.... and that sucks. I don't wanna do that anymore.

So..... where do the cool kids hang out these days?

 

General updates since it's been years since I updated anyone:

so July 2019, I moved from Boston to back home in Florida with my parents. Eventually I got a new job and it was terrible :D
Covid happened and I got to work from home so that made it less terrible, but it still sucked. I ended up quitting February 2021.

Then!!! I finally moved in with my bf in California!!!!!!!!!! that was July 2021. (Also right before that, a high school friend died and one of my best friends suddenly became a single dad of two, but that's a loooong story)

I was working for the unemployment department for a while before I had to quit before being there a full year. :(
Oh btw I learned a lot there so if anyone needs advice for navigating unemployment insurance, please feel free to hit me up!! My expertise is California, but I figure some things are going to be similar across states, and I know where to look for more info if not.

I've been unemployed for a little over a year now and it sucks! mostly because we've just about exhausted bf's savings and I feel really, really bad about that. But no one seems to want to hire me, or I'm saying the wrong thing in interviews, or my resume is wrong somehow - I really don't know. I honestly kinda wanna look into getting SSDI, but I don't even know where to start with that, and it wouldn't be enough to live on anyway. But it might open up doors to help me find a job? Idk.

In slightly related news, I'm trying to figure out how to try to get crochet commissions or something. Even if I can't live off it, it'd be nice to get spending money I don't have to bug my bf for....

I think that's most things, but my sense of time is super fucked up so there's problem more and I'm just forgetting lol

 

Oh and in other news, my most recent crochet project: EEVEE!!!!!!!



I'm procrastinating on the face because it never comes out the way I want, and I'm not sure if I wanna do like embroidery or felt.... I feel like I'll have more minute control with embroidery but it's also more effort so idk

 

so i am incredible stressed out about being unemployed and i can't even get call backs for call center work, which i have 5+ years of experience in so i don't even know what I'm doing wrong. i've been wracking my brain trying to come up with things that 1) i can do physically 2) isn't gig economy microtasks that only pay pennies 3) i can do mentally 4) i can do immediately and i'm coming up empty especially since i don't have transportation and public transit is Not Great (a car trip that might be 20-30 min is 1.25 hrs by bus)

there is this like... one idea that's stuck in my head but i feel super bad about it.

so some background: my (step)dad's grandparents are *very* well off and every year at christmas, the grandkids (my dad and his cousins) get a large christmas gift (partially as tax writeoffs) which i'm told is supposed to be something that could help tide them over if god forbid something happened and they lost their jobs or something. they got their money in a very pull yourself up by your bootstraps sort of way so they value hard work but also understand that things happen? i think?

anyway my mom, brother and i come into the picture and we're welcomed well enough but it's always felt a little off from some of the other extended family? (dad's parents adore us so that's not an issue). my uncle also married a woman who had a child from another marrage but he was younger (the kid) and they also almost immidiately got pregant. part of why i feel unincluded is that when the birth announcement was made, dad's aunt made a comment about "welcoming grandma and granddad's first great grandchildren" (twins). and she rightly got ripped a new one for that, but it still feels super shitty! *my* aunt was having non of it and a lot of passive agressive blended family positivity posts were shared on facebook that week lol

i think that aunt has said other shitty stuff in general, enough for dad's mom to cut contact with her? like we don't do thanksgiving at her place anymore because of some drama i don't have all the details for, so she might not be the best litmus test for the how the whole family feels but yeah.

like, my bother and i were both adults coming into the family and i'm pretty sure that feels different than having new babies come into the family and i don't really blame them for that! it still feels shitty tho

also the ages in this family are weird bc like my dad's cousins are all younger than me...... (the oldest might be my age? unsure)
so like i will fully admit to being jealous of these kids getting these checks and i get some crafting kits (which i still appreciate, don't get me wrong) (i could have probably gotten something in the price range of a new laptop but i never needed a new one at christmas time lol and that's nothing to sneeze at) (god i feel so entitled and childish writing this out i'm sorry)

and i've tried to express gratitude and happiness and what they do get me and stuff, like i'm not being a bitch about it, i swear. also like this past christmas, they even made an effort to include my boyfriend which was so fucking sweet!!! like i really appreciate it!!!

and it really wouldn't be anything other than a minor ping of jealous except like, i am about to hit $0 in my bank accounts and my boyfriend has been supporting me for a year and his savings have just been hemorraging money and i feel so extremely shitty about it. and if i could just get some income in, i will happily funnel all of it to bills and back into his savings, i will even forgo trying to wittle down my credit card debit for a bit, if it means i can feel like i've given back to him at least a bit!

so basically my entire reason for writing all of this up is.... how incredibly terrible and entitled of me would it be to try and ask them for a loan or something? unfortunately i don't really have a plan of action i can present to pay them back - i just need more time to get a job....