Crow Puns And Other Bullshit

Feeling very powerful! My roomie hoarded a fuckton of frozen food for ages and ages. Long past its expiration and long after freezerburn. She never tossed any of it for some fucking reason. WELL NO MORE. I can now access/use the ENTIRE fucking freezer for food i AM going to use/eat and I'm so happy. I'm tired bc it was heavy to heft out, but I got it and the normal garbage from the kitchen and changed the bag, so i will take that as a little win. :)

been feeling kind of off today, but not in a bad way? more just. unsettled. uncomfortable. like... nothing is wrong, I'm just feeling off balance for some reason. maybe it's bc I'm kinda out of it in general....? or bc i was such a sleepy bitch yesterday? maybe because i havent showered in an obscene length of time to the point its embarrassing as fuck. I'm hoping I can get the spoons/focus together to do that tonight finally. eugh.

I'm so embarrassed about my hygiene struggles. like... it should not be this hard to shower regularly, or at least wear clean clothes. and Yet.

 

musing a bit, since i had therapy earlier and a friend is going wild in the group chat spiraling and im avoiding it (and also taking a break from my reading for class bc no focus lol)

therapist said that the imposter syndrome i feel is probably most definitely linked to that sensation of being a kid stuck in an adult body. because i missed out on the years of preparation play that teenagers get to do. i didn't get a lead up because i couldnt make choices for myself or anything. or just... function. even after i got married we lived with his parents and they were acting like MY parents instead of treating us like adults. when we were in italy we didnt have responsibilities short of him turning up to work and exercises properly and behaving (which was sometimes an Issue because he sucked and was a liar) then we got to ohio and... crashed and burned. immediately.

now im in college, its 7 years later somehow, i'm almost through a bachelors degree and planning a Masters and am just????? like?????? hello? how am i doing this i'm only a kid why do i suddenly have the option to be a working adult so soon in the future. why am i going to do field work who would hire a kid i have no qualifications i have nothing to offer. it doesn't even feel like i've done my degree work even though i've been busting my butt steadily for 7 years on this path. but its ok? because i'm secretly qualified and am allowed to do whatever i want forever and nobody is going to suddenly turn up and yell at me for being there. for trespassing.

i'm going to have my name on a badge someday, and my own office, and my own schedule, and my own home and car, and my own life is going to be fully mine and i'm still probably gonna be sitting there going "is this alowed"

i need to orient my brain to recognize i have in fact busted my ass. i have in fact been working for this for this long. i have in fact persisted this long. i have in fact done all of this fucking work and effort and learning and tests and papers and projects and readings and discussions and replies on my fucking own with next to no outside help. i'm not an idiot, i'm actually quite intelligent even if i make mistakes. i have things to offer. i am capable of doing things, because i've gotten this far and its too far to just be a fluke or a mistake. nobody is suddenly going to turn up and say "Sorry you're not really about to get your bachelors you didn't do this properly"

i need to come to terms with that and celebrate it.

 

GUYS. GUYS. GUYS I COOKED DINNER. A PROPER FOOD DINNER. NOT JUST MICROWAVED STUFF. I PUT AWAY DISHES. I MADE COFFEE. AND THE PAIN IS MANAGEABLE AND IM NOT DRENCHED IN SWEAT i even ate and im not drenched in sweat!!!!! and i didnt have to immediately lay back and rest!!!! i could cry

 

i went to the bookstore!!!! first time leaving the house for non-medical stuff for like 8 months!
carried a bag of heavy ass books to sell, walked around for like forty minutes browsing what i wanted to pick up. pulse was 150 so i was sweaty but it wasn't dripping in my eyes miserable sweats. was fine. no pain. none. not from walking, not from standing, not from bending, not from hefting the heavy bag. no problems. just. bought my books, left. got home. cooled down. no problems??? none???? no pain???? nothing. just. chilling drinking a soda.
im in awe

 

i feel i should mention the reason in here as to why I'm suddenly doing great: i got put on Gabapentin lol

 

two six page papers due saturday at midnight
:dying whale noises:

 

got the last paper turned in this afternoon. 2/3 papers i do not feel confident in but they're DONE and IN and i'll get at least some points and thats all i care about rn. last one is more coherent but I'm still not super certain I was coherent. oopsie.

meds continue to be amazing? noticing changes consistently. got groceries delivered today and put them away and carried heavy stuff upstairs to my room. also took some trash out. and made dinner. sweat a little bit during dinner but mostly after bc Eating A Lot Of Hot Food. but i was.... ok? like. pain yeah but not unbearable limping crying pain that immobilized me for the entire day and night. wasn't miserably exhausted. but most surprisingly: i wasn't gasping so hard I was gagging and retching. just. a little huff and puff bc out of shape + activity + hefting things but like... none of the usual gasps. and most searches on google only talk about gabapentin CAUSING breathing problems. but i did see one link talking about it helping lungs in some way i didn't understand...? wild.

 

ough. adrenaline dumps all night, barely there sleep, lots of breakthrough pain. i dont even wanna imagine how miserable i'd be rn without this buffer. jesus.