Crow Puns And Other Bullshit

Feeling very powerful! My roomie hoarded a fuckton of frozen food for ages and ages. Long past its expiration and long after freezerburn. She never tossed any of it for some fucking reason. WELL NO MORE. I can now access/use the ENTIRE fucking freezer for food i AM going to use/eat and I'm so happy. I'm tired bc it was heavy to heft out, but I got it and the normal garbage from the kitchen and changed the bag, so i will take that as a little win. :)

been feeling kind of off today, but not in a bad way? more just. unsettled. uncomfortable. like... nothing is wrong, I'm just feeling off balance for some reason. maybe it's bc I'm kinda out of it in general....? or bc i was such a sleepy bitch yesterday? maybe because i havent showered in an obscene length of time to the point its embarrassing as fuck. I'm hoping I can get the spoons/focus together to do that tonight finally. eugh.

I'm so embarrassed about my hygiene struggles. like... it should not be this hard to shower regularly, or at least wear clean clothes. and Yet.

 

musing a bit, since i had therapy earlier and a friend is going wild in the group chat spiraling and im avoiding it (and also taking a break from my reading for class bc no focus lol)

therapist said that the imposter syndrome i feel is probably most definitely linked to that sensation of being a kid stuck in an adult body. because i missed out on the years of preparation play that teenagers get to do. i didn't get a lead up because i couldnt make choices for myself or anything. or just... function. even after i got married we lived with his parents and they were acting like MY parents instead of treating us like adults. when we were in italy we didnt have responsibilities short of him turning up to work and exercises properly and behaving (which was sometimes an Issue because he sucked and was a liar) then we got to ohio and... crashed and burned. immediately.

now im in college, its 7 years later somehow, i'm almost through a bachelors degree and planning a Masters and am just????? like?????? hello? how am i doing this i'm only a kid why do i suddenly have the option to be a working adult so soon in the future. why am i going to do field work who would hire a kid i have no qualifications i have nothing to offer. it doesn't even feel like i've done my degree work even though i've been busting my butt steadily for 7 years on this path. but its ok? because i'm secretly qualified and am allowed to do whatever i want forever and nobody is going to suddenly turn up and yell at me for being there. for trespassing.

i'm going to have my name on a badge someday, and my own office, and my own schedule, and my own home and car, and my own life is going to be fully mine and i'm still probably gonna be sitting there going "is this alowed"

i need to orient my brain to recognize i have in fact busted my ass. i have in fact been working for this for this long. i have in fact persisted this long. i have in fact done all of this fucking work and effort and learning and tests and papers and projects and readings and discussions and replies on my fucking own with next to no outside help. i'm not an idiot, i'm actually quite intelligent even if i make mistakes. i have things to offer. i am capable of doing things, because i've gotten this far and its too far to just be a fluke or a mistake. nobody is suddenly going to turn up and say "Sorry you're not really about to get your bachelors you didn't do this properly"

i need to come to terms with that and celebrate it.

 

GUYS. GUYS. GUYS I COOKED DINNER. A PROPER FOOD DINNER. NOT JUST MICROWAVED STUFF. I PUT AWAY DISHES. I MADE COFFEE. AND THE PAIN IS MANAGEABLE AND IM NOT DRENCHED IN SWEAT i even ate and im not drenched in sweat!!!!! and i didnt have to immediately lay back and rest!!!! i could cry

 

i went to the bookstore!!!! first time leaving the house for non-medical stuff for like 8 months!
carried a bag of heavy ass books to sell, walked around for like forty minutes browsing what i wanted to pick up. pulse was 150 so i was sweaty but it wasn't dripping in my eyes miserable sweats. was fine. no pain. none. not from walking, not from standing, not from bending, not from hefting the heavy bag. no problems. just. bought my books, left. got home. cooled down. no problems??? none???? no pain???? nothing. just. chilling drinking a soda.
im in awe

 

i feel i should mention the reason in here as to why I'm suddenly doing great: i got put on Gabapentin lol

 

two six page papers due saturday at midnight
:dying whale noises:

 

got the last paper turned in this afternoon. 2/3 papers i do not feel confident in but they're DONE and IN and i'll get at least some points and thats all i care about rn. last one is more coherent but I'm still not super certain I was coherent. oopsie.

meds continue to be amazing? noticing changes consistently. got groceries delivered today and put them away and carried heavy stuff upstairs to my room. also took some trash out. and made dinner. sweat a little bit during dinner but mostly after bc Eating A Lot Of Hot Food. but i was.... ok? like. pain yeah but not unbearable limping crying pain that immobilized me for the entire day and night. wasn't miserably exhausted. but most surprisingly: i wasn't gasping so hard I was gagging and retching. just. a little huff and puff bc out of shape + activity + hefting things but like... none of the usual gasps. and most searches on google only talk about gabapentin CAUSING breathing problems. but i did see one link talking about it helping lungs in some way i didn't understand...? wild.

 

ough. adrenaline dumps all night, barely there sleep, lots of breakthrough pain. i dont even wanna imagine how miserable i'd be rn without this buffer. jesus.

 

once I have class in the morning and turn in the worksheet for it, I'm DONE for the week, I fucking buzzed through all my classes somehow and got'em all done by this evening lmfao. then i played Corpse Party 2021. The little boy ghost caught me twice, im not sure HOW the fuck im meant to dodge his ass when he busts into the narrow room i'm in but its late and i was too frustrated to run around and reach that point again bc everything looks The Same and i'm mostly running around by vibes hjlkgfdgd idk how to get the other endings either, i'll have to see about how to get them in the future once i've just gone through the game itself. I've seen so many explanation videos that i know the basic rundown of the story beats, but its been fascinating getting to run around and see all the details and notes and stuff on my own :)

 

its midnight and been rainy so im hyper and alert
HOWEVER
i also found a new youtuber to follow
who did a femslash cover + animatic of phantom of the opera
and an original song
and a fuckton of covers
and she's got this sexy raspy alto voice and and and
i know literally nothing about her but CHRIST I am in girl loving mode rn and i am so so hyper
and squealing
and literally nobody is awake to squeal my gay lil heart out at on discord
i suffer

 

So I forgot to mention this I guess. But my field placement lady reached out to say she could reach out to a few mental health clinics for me. ...OR she could reach out to the center on the medical campus that helps folks of all ages with different neurodivergences and developmental disabilities. I'd be able to use paratransit bc it's on campus, and bc of the population they serve if I need to use my walker in the end it shouldn't be an issue. I said "yeah go for that one" and like a day later she had said they were interested in interviewing me and added them to the email so we could back and forth about the interview day/time and stuff.

I'm so nervous lmfao I haven't interviewed for fucking anything in like 15 years+. I think I'll be okay? I asked for resources to practice and she gave me some, so I'll look those over before time. But. Wow, if I don't bomb this, internship secured and I'll suddenly be out of the house most of the day most days of the week. Scary. But exciting.

 

my sleep schedule has been FUCKED the last several days but i thiiiiink i'm reigning it in towards normal? ish??? i think some of it was i was in the tail end of a flareup and tht always fucks with me in fun ways. but my knuckles aren't burning or tender to touch anymore, and I feel alert and awake for the first time in days, and can think clearly so that's nice. i'm on the last week and a half of classes, just need to finish strong.

 

so i finished the semester. turned in my last papers, they're in whatever deity's hands now to give me the right grades for my Masters application in Spring. went to my placement interview and got an offer to intern there before i even stood up to leave and accepted on the spot. it's a perfect setup for me, accessibility wise, and the work sounds very appealing. I'll be working with college kids who are autistic or have developmental disabilities, participate in group activities, and go out as a chaperone to in the community activities so if someone has a meltdown or needs guidance or assistance they can get it easily from me and the others. they were very understanding about my mobility issues, though I didn't go into detail further than "I have trouble walking sometimes" because I didn't want to fully divulge my fucking life story. i wanted this internship so bad and i nailed it.

now that the semesters over though my brain is already grappling to fill in the gaps and its frustrating. i keep feeling like i need to be doing something, but can't get myself to really do much of anything yet that takes focus because I'm tired and stressed out. brain offered "ok so you're getting a new roommate eventually, probably in summer or early autumn sometime right? right. ....what are you gonna do when/if they move out suddenly and you can't afford all the rent/utilities on your own you're gonna be homeless immediately" and tried to cause panic and i just... swatted it away. i'll deal with that later if it happens. not my problem rn. not my focus rn.

tried to draw digitally, it was Atrocious and nowhere near my standards, but its also been 3 months so i need a lot of warmup to get my eyes and hand to work together again. so i'll be working in my sketchbook making dogshit doodles for a bit to get the shapes and flow back.

otherwise i just... feel kind of empty. i know some of that is the "GOTTA BE DOING SOMETHING THERE'S SOMETHING THAT NEEDS DOING I KNOW IT" warring with the executive dysfunction. the rest might be bc its easter tomorrow and i'm alone, again, while everyone around me has been doing passover stuff and easter prep and shit with their families on four separate continents i'm in contact with people from. I failed again to really get into any religious thing like i keep saying i want to try doing, for the safe secure feeling people claim it gives, so no activities to do either.

I just feel... listless i guess. directionless. stressed about the upcoming semester, the upcoming changes but trying not to be because they're far enough away I need to focus on being in the moment instead. ...I also just... idk. feel sad. all my friends are busy with the aforementioned holiday stuff, another friend literally just had her first baby today (hello little Celeste, you are already so loved) and I'm just... here. in my pajamas. dissociating. ....idk man. i feel like im whining because i'm not having an episode over anything rn i just Feel Weird and idk how to make it stop :/

 

yesterday i was up all fucking night from insomnia. last night i was up till 3, crashed to sleep... and couldnt fucking sleep bc restless and Ow. so two nights of not using the sleep.

 

the more time passes, the more introspective i'm getting. it's not a bad thing really, it's good to look inwards now and then. for instance, i need to seriously set alarms when i game because more and more likely when i get sucked in i'm gone for 8 straight hours and am bodily paying for it. like last night with minecraft. again. total trance, absolute time blindness. which is fine to unwind but like... it physically fucks me up. badly. joints and muscles get fucked up, pain goes up and its hard to sleep later, my circulation seems to fuck up too???? like. full body feel gross. also my pulse + bp is usually high the entire time I'm engaged, so if I'm not taking breaks... yeaaaah.

havent done much in the way of writing/drawing yet. trying not to push it. need to do some maintenance cleaning and stuff in my room but. Meh. not distressed at all that i can tell but just... unsettled. i guess because i'm so used to having Things looming over me that I'm still not used to downtime. Which means I'll get used to downtime riiiiight as i start interning and classes most likely lmfao. still nervous about that. dunno how well I'll physically handle being up that long. gonna keep meds in my bag to stave off the worst of it and otherwise just... hope i guess. i have to do these hours, there's no way around it, and this is the best option for me to get those hours + start being more physical. should be able to balance classes too luckily. i think.

 

A- in the individual counseling class
A in the HIV class