A Wicked Convergence of Circumstances Mk 2.0

The previous month I did a very little bit of writing, most of it fan fic. This was of course mostly due to Real Life Issues such as difficulties with Medicaid (AHCCCS) and Foodstamps. (The foodstamp problem is directly linked to the government closure problem followed by other problems.) I did not post anything, because I didn't complete any chapters.

What I did do was write a great deal of grotty Dirk/AR porn on the Endangered Server on Discord, to the specifications of Our Robot Overlord, Mortior. It was very, very grotty and of course consent-impaired since it was vaguely using some world building from Ai no Kusabi. Dirk is a recently acquired pet, and AR is training him.

I have been writing a lot of consent-impaired fics on Discord fic jams. I have no idea why. I usually write grotty shit when I'm angry, and I have not been angry enough to write grotty shit. That's just what's coming to mind when I write a thing. There's a demon-stuck that's Terezi/Dave/Karkat/Gamzee, and a Fuchsia! Kat fic where Karkat is the new Viceroy of Earth and Dave is a former leader of the resistance. There's also the Dirk/HIC fic. I do not get very far with these fics because it is actually hard for me to write the kind of bleak endless whump non con seems to require. :\ I want there to be a happy ending, and I want the pairing to work too much to want them to be fucked up forever.

I may or may not post the demon-stuck and the Fuchsia! Kat at some point in the future. I would really like to finish two for mirth and the next story in crooked little house series before I tried posting it though.

 

Things have been getting done! Not necessarily everything that needs to be done, but things are getting done! I had a therapy appointment on Friday, and a medical appointment on Thursday. (The Thursday appointment was another follow up due to the lung infection. It also involved "Let's Flush Out Your Ear and Show You the Horrifying Blobs of Wax You Weren't Able to Remove." )

I have gotten a little writing done, though not a lot. I got groceries done but I need to get some more stuff. I was thinking about doing it this weekend, but um. I hate going places on the bus during the weekend because the wait is super extra long.

 

I finished a chapter of Build a Life from Scratch! I will probably be posting it tomorrow. I'll probably leave a link here.

 

The new chapter of Build a Life from Scratch is now up on dreamwidth and AO3 !!

 

So some time last week/beginning of this week I was reading the porn manga on manga fox, and I find a "dark harem" involving a demon lord that makes dungeons in order to gather energy. (this appears to be a theme as I saw one other just like it, but not a harem.) One of the girls who ends up also being his apprentice

Spoiler: She starts out horribly disfigured due to self inflicted injury

She was supposed to have poured boiling oil on herself in order to avoid being raped by bandits. One side of her face/her body was covered with pockmarks and pinholes that looked more like the result of a disease than burn scars. The eye was the worst part, since for some reason it was a little ball suspended by strands of something or other, which is NOT HOW EYES WORK GODDAMMIT.

So, try having that pop into your head at random moments, for no reason.

Spoiler: And then you're mad because body horror

With a combination of the thing where you freak out about holes where holes aren't supposed to be, and sheer outrage at the physiology bullshit.

No I'm not still reading it. The manga failed to meet my exacting standards for pr0n and I stopped reading it on my own. :p

I am at least not making myself sick, which has occasionally been a thing when having viewed body horror, even briefly. I just have a really horrible, physiologically impossible image popping into my head, and I want all of the brain bleach.

 

I have been having anxiety dreams about various work places or getting jobs at previous work places (which never look like the actual work places because dreams.) So far it's been mostly retail places, and a couple times the market research job, but this time around I dreamed that I had been rehired at a company that made hand-made wire wound electronic devices.

This was a job I had actually liked, even though I had been absolute shit at it. (I had been hired as quality control. Sadly, I was not fast enough or good enough at detecting flaws, or remembering which way way counter clock wise was...or clockwise for that matter. I eventually got put on a "admin position" adding up the work sheets, and then laid off.)

In the dream I was going to be working there part time, while also still working at a retail job. I was given a choice of jobs, so I picked actually putting the parts together. For some reason my sister and my dad were also there and it was very strange. I was trying to put a part together, but wasn't able to get the wires to curve the way they did in the original, and then suddenly the wires turned into silly putty. :\ There was also a bit where I wanted to learn how to use blowtorches or something? I don't know.

Yay, anxiety dreams!

 

I got a teeny digital timer because I wanted to try out the pomadoro method (where you basically do writing/work sprints for short periods of time.) It took me a while to figure out the timer, because it wasn't really cooperating with me, even though I was following the directions. :\

 

TFW you have a moderately interesting post apocalyptic dream that involves a community holding off raiders.

 

! Oh, I forgot it was followed by a dream where I was going on some kind of field trip to a building that was basically an indoor garden? Except the teachers giving the tour wouldn't let me go because I wasn't wearing appropriate clothes, and made me wear a regular bra instead of my t-shirt bra before I could see the gardens. I was very displeased. I wanted to just leave, but couldn't because I didn't have my bus pass or my discount ID.

 

In other news, I need to renew my foodstamps. Hopefully this will be less of a pain in the ass than renewing my AHCCCS.

 

Guess what! I'm coughing up blood again! This time it seems to be centered in my left lung. (The clogged feeling.) This will hopefully be less of a problem since I'm not dealing with trying to get my AHCCCS renewed, and settling things with new PCP.

 

It's been raining off and on all day and at one point I had to be out in the cold and the rain because I had an appointment. It was raining pretty hard and desert dwellers do not drive very well in the rain. Likewise, rain is pretty hard on pedestrians.

I was wading in ankle deep water in places crossing the street because there are no storm drains or whatever, and I got soaked a few times because of hydroplaning assholes deliberately driving really fast through the puddles of water and soaking people.

Yes, they are doing it on purpose. You can tell because they shift out of the lane closest to the sidewalk after they've soaked you. Or they manage to mysteriously NOT cause a spray of water after they've soaked you, despite the water they've been driving through being just as deep. Assholes.

Anyway, I completed my errands (signing new treatment objectives yadda yadda, picking up meds.) Some slight hopefulness about getting evaluated for autism? The previous company I was working with said they didn't handle evaluations for cognitive disabilities, just mental illness, and I wasn't able to get referral through them. However Case Manager says that I need to talk to Psych nurse and the new PCP about it. She said she'd make a note about it, and asked if I'd told anyone else. (I mentioned I had, and it hadn't gone anywhere previously.)

Right now I am curled up in throws because it is still cold and I do not actually have heating.

 

1. I love hashbrown patties. 2. Vegetable chips should taste like vegetables and not potatoes. (I had some like last week and was Not Impressed.) 3. I am having a very late snack because I took my meds early and one of them is a allergy med that knocks me out. This time I at least got ON the mattress instead of leaning against it as I have in the past despite the combo of back ache and arm twisted around at odd angles I usually get. I woke and was half convinced it was the next day. (It was not.)

 

I dreamed that Octavia Butler had written a Hulk fan fic based in the MCU. It involved a complicated plot where a couple of mad scientists had gotten together and cloned a person and given him a variation of the Hulk serum. There was a lot of stuff about the responsibilities of a parent/creator toward their child/creation and some pissy stuff where the poor guy who had been hulked knew he had been created as part of a complicated revenge against the Hulk, didn't want to be involved, and yet, there was the Hulk trashing things so he had to do something.

(I was not reading the story, I was watching it as a first person shooter, and was kind of thrilled that Octavia Butler had written fan fic.)

There is also some stuff about how the mad scientists had loved the place the Hulk wrecked and for some reason had thought Our Guy would absolutely share the love and be super extra careful about not destroying anything. Spoiler: he is not able to do this because Hulk and fighting the Hulk.

The story turns out to have been some past tense thing because the Hulked guy apparently fought Hulk to a standstill and then escaped as first responders arrived. Our Guy wakes up, makes some decisions and rescues Banner, who is being stuffed into some kind of plastic holding box by people with Very Bad Intentions. Banner is very badly hurt and Our Guy has a healing talent in addition to being a Hulk. (It's a healed with a kiss trope, there is a fan fic I know is from Aranea about it.)

 

TFW you lose writing you can't recover after the computer decides to restart, and when you try to open and save the auto saved document you close it without saving it because you can't rename it the right name.

 

TFW you aren't sure whether you're hungry enough for an actual dinner, or if you should just have instant oatmeal because you need to take your meds.

 

I want to do micro fic on twitter. I don't know if I could do anything as awesome as the silent pines writer or whatever. :\

 

I was going to get walnut/raisin/apple instant oatmeal, but instead grabbed walnut/raisin/date. :\ I do not know how dates taste.

 

I have made polenta. I got the recipe from both Kintsugi and elsewhere online, and I've been putting the polenta into little plastic sandwich thingies to cool. I am still figuring out how to spread the top side out smoothly.

This batch has lots of small lumps. I am displeased.

 

I would like to not live where I am currently living, which is Arizona. Sadly, all of my assistance stuff is in Arizona and I'm in the process of attempting to get Social Security. And by attempting, I mean that I'm waiting to get my hearing, after having been denied, then appealed.

In other news, I may or may not be able to get a referral to confirm or deny if I am on the autistic spectrum. I am pretty sure I am. (Mostly because eye contact issues, problems with "reading the room" communication problems, "Odd" reactions to social situations, stimming (which I did not actually realize that was what I was doing) not being able to handle sudden changes, needing a routine. Meltdowns when overstimulated and/or anxious-stressed, though I haven't really pitched a fit in a long while--for which I can't thank meds. )

I've tried getting a referral via my old network, but was initially told that this was not possible, as the behavioral health network did not do referrals for learning disabilities, only behavioral health. I'm now using a different network, and the current caseworker says that I need to get a referral from both the psych NP and the medical NP and this is entirely possible. (Possible, not definite.)

I am pretty sure my mom is as well, or at least has Something, because she's said as much when she's explained Some of the Things She Did To Make Me Act Normal Because Personal Experience She Didn't Want Me to Go Through. (Spoiler: She just fucked me up in different ways. :D ) Special Ed when I was a small feral otherkitten wasn't a great help either, and I am STILL not sure how they classified me, because no one would tell me. VERY ANNOYING.