( a to-do list and reminders for myself. and i've been meaning to make a brain bent thread for a while) i make 600-700 dollars a month, but closer to six, so if i can find a place to rent out a room for 300 dollars a month i should survive alright, even if my hours get cut because the store i'm working at is suffering a bit thanks to our boss's boss being a bitch. start saving money from whats leftover after i pay my mom 500 dollars a month. consider the dog, make sure wherever i go he's welcome i wish i could go back home because the cost of living was much lower and the weather was nicer and its not a hick-hole where i have to see the confederate flag, but can't currently so its just on the list of Someday. I would prefer to be roommates with one of my coworkers but i'm afraid i come off ass rude as hell thanks to my poor filter and some shit i've picked up from childhood, so idk. my costs are low at least, until i age out of my dad's insurance. but then my medicine just costs like 20 dollars instead of 5-10. main concern then will be paying for appointments with the psych. i hope the Zoloft works again and i don't have to fiddle with different medicines, I'm so tired and i want to function again. it was kinda nice. also i feel like a zombie most of the time, which doesn't help woo potential roommates.
Mom just flounced out of the house because she was joking about when she used to put hot sauce on our tongues as children for cussing, and i said i didn't believe i inflicting pain on children she gon be grouchy later lol I'm surprised she didn't throw a fit. she'd real good at going off for what feels like an hour. i grew up being cpanked until i decided to fade into the background in order to stop being spanked. which fucked up how i interacted with people and making and keeping friends. i watched my little brother get spanked and abused. sorry I'm not really into it ma. just. i can't even words rn I'm just tired
'stop chewing on your lips' i tell myself as i chew on my lips also feel free to post in here guys, i like attention
so normally in my stories when i have a small break between lots of relationship angst mixed with fuzzy good cuddle times and sex, i send my protagonist off on some quest for a set amount of time. maybe a few months, maybe a year or two. its meant to be a training thing because nothing comes easy for this family because Tradition and Expectations and....Toxic Femininity? Idk most of them are girls and they come from a matriarchal society, but most of the stuff they get trained in that impacts them the most is kinda more traditionally toxic masculinity...stuff to ponder in the future anyways, this time instead of sending her off to solve problems by killing things, i sent her in a more.....Stardew Valley direction. grow crops, help the economy, make friends, become a pillar of the community. now instead of the usual twitchy, grim, sarcastic heroine i've got....a much more rounded character? she doesn't blankface when she's around friendly people? she does better at parties? she doesn't feel like a caricature? this made me really think about how i write, how to go about backstories, and how to continue to shape this family's storyline also I'm thinking i need to buy some land out in the country near a struggling town
might lose my home, have 20 dollars to my name, have a dog to home and feed, don't get paid for two weeks, don't have anywhere solid to go and even less idea of if i can take my dog. and traveling with and getting a dog into an apartment is expensive i love my family so much they are the best and I'm menstruating ha ha haaaaa
situation that I posted about in the customer service thread got me thinking bout Chik fil a or whatever that place is called i currently live in west virginia in a suburb/town across the river from Morgantown. Aka the more interesting part of this place. i grew up in a much smaller town, its strange to be able to walk from one end of downtown to another in ten minutes. ANYWAY, my religion is currently this: Humans are the most important thing. i think we should strive to have everyone live comfortably and happily. it's why even though I am not christian, I like Jesus a fair amount. I donate time and money to help folks out when i can, though that isn't often. I try to be socially conscious and treat folks well. I'm not very good at it, but i try. to tie this unraveling post back to chick fil a, i was thinking about them and hobby lobby and the red cross and things like that today. theres signs on the way to the mall showing stuff about something for the local university (i think, it was months back) that the chick corporation had helped fund. but its also my little brothers favorite fast food place, so i can't boycott it 100 percent. i also stay away from hobby lobby, but thats easier since i try to get my craft supplies at cheaper places. i want to do more research into companies that are against lgbt or birth control, stuff like that. i wanted to make a post in the religion thread about this but I'm not going to try to write something less scattered until the morning, i should be sleeping.
its going to take so long to be able to leave especially since i need insurance or at least enough to keep going to appointments for my meds and moving my dog and having enough for the first few months in case i don't get hired right away i need to get out of my parents house they are both abusive and i am exhausted i am either a captive audience or afraid of losing my house or my belongings or losing hours on my job i want to be in an area where i can walk to more places i don't want to give up my dog but i might have to but the thought kills me i just want to be free and alone or at least with someone i can be on more equal footing with
i keep thinking she got the dog for me to help tie me to her and when my little brother was diagnosed with epilepsy she told me she'd need my help now more than ever and i could just feel the walls closing in on me that probably makes me an asshole but i at least want to be a healthy asshole i can't even get mad sometimes I'm just so tired my two moods are too tired to give a fuck and 'i am going to grab you by the hair and slam you skull first into a wall' i do a lot of internal screaming at clouds
Almost left home tonight and I only refrained because it's raining. I really don't think I'll stay unless I lose my nerve, but I know things will only get worse. If anyone knows any homeless resources around Morgantown West Virginia please let me know
I just messaged my ex. All I said was that I was doing okay and I hoped he was too. I apologized again for the way I left things. I really hope it doesn't end up being a bad thing to do. I don't want to mess with his head or anything, I just...want to find out if he's ok,I guess. He was a good person. And he doesn't have any other online places I can peek in at to see if he's still kicking.
he wants to be friends again, which is amazing and I've got tears in my eyes. He really is a great person, and I've missed him. I've put myself on a strict no flirting even in jest rule, because I don't think he's over me and I don't want to be a fucking asshole. it would take years for me to consider dating him again, long distance is not something I mess around with anymore and I want to treat him a lot better and let him vent this time when he needs to and just...be a better friend to him. He was always low on friends too, and I'm not going to take advantage of his good nature. but I am tbh very lonely and I want him back in my life. He was good to talk to. Here's hoping I'm doing the right thing.
Turns out we didn't have a lot to talk about and we did a lil roleplay with some random chars but I got tired of posting a paragraph and getting a sentence in response...anyway, at least I feel like I've resolved that situation. Finally able to save some substantial money. Wanted to buy a car but will probably end up renting an apartment first since my brother is on the fine line between just barely surviving in an abusive home and being homeless. Hope my mom dies alone tbh.
Mom sent him to the hospital for suicidal thoughts, which is annoying because shes trying to prove he's incapable of living alone aka away from her, in which case she might have to do her own chores and lose a free babysitter, but even worse, people might think she's not a good mother Le gasp. Hopefully nothing too drastic happens, he'll be speaking to a social worker and hopefully they won't send him back to her. If we can keep him in town until he graduates and he can get even a part time job, we can afford a place together.
If anyone reads this, I'd appreciate some good vibes his way. Nineteen year old dude with aspergers and I love him to pieces Funnily enough, he's more of a social butterfly than me or elder bro, who haven't been diagnosed on the spectrum.
Curled up in a cute blue armchair playing harvest moon in my own personal den. Some bright sides in an uncertain and anxiety inducing time.
