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Adulting is Hard etc

Discussion in 'Brainbent' started by Enzel, Jan 14, 2016.

  1. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    Making a new thread because my old one was a sort of emergency rant thread and I kinda want those specific feelings to stay buried in the archive. Hah.

    I'm not exactly in major crisis but I'm in that state where there's a lot of stuff coming up and my brain is filled with fog from the stress of anticipation. If that makes any sense.

    With my last semester of school starting soon I figured I could probably use a vent thread.
     
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  2. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    School crap sort of got sorted out, I don't know if my elective will fill up or if it'll get canceled and I have to move to the other more boring one. Also I'm on the wait list for my capstone class, which is stupid because it's REQUIRED to graduate from my program. And only held in the spring. But there aren't enough slots for everyone who's ready to graduate. How does that make any sense??

    But basically it's just waiting right now. The registrar person told me since I registered late I wouldn't get sent a bill and I'd have to pay through the website. So I dug around to find the course prices, added them up, paid, and a day later...they send a bill with an amount that is nothing like the amount we paid.

    I HATE being given conflicting info. Waiting for them to sort it out on their end.

    Work has been stressful, or maybe I haven't gotten over the xmas rush because I really really don't want to talk to people much. I avoid taking orders as much as possible and work in the back when I can. Boss wants me to get more customer emails. I hate asking because half the time I get a rant about how people get too much spam email.

    Forever frustrated about how corporations only care about numbers and not actual people. If I could just put orders together and not take them I'd be way happier. But I have to do all aspects of my job despite the fact that people have different strengths and weaknesses.

    Still better than being a cashier.

    Keep contemplating calling in sick for mental health day but I can't remember the last time I did it and you can't call out frequently or you get in trouble. I just. It's like I'm still recovering from the holiday excess of People Time by becoming a hermit.

    Local convention coming up in two months. Every time I think about working on cosplay I can't focus and end up dicking around in my mmo for hours.

    Small possibly good thing: I was stressed out about my roommate moving out because I had to get used to a new person's living habits all over again. (She wants a place with her sister immediately and I wasn't planning on moving out till school was done.) She went ahead and found a new roommate without me ever meeting her, because she'd tell me they were meeting a day before and I'd have to work. Was getting annoyed at her for poor planning. Finally spoke with the new potential roommate on the phone (making the call was a small miracle ) and it turns out she is kinda nerds and likes video games. (!!!) So possible cool roommate I have stuff in common with.

    (Current roommate is fine honestly, we barely talk but my only complaint is that she sheds hair everywhere and then doesn't clean it off the floor. Sigh.)
     
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  3. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    Other small things: finally got groceries after putting it off for two weeks and buying too much takeout. Now slowly accumulating spoons for laundry.

    Want to draw more and finish FF14 comic.

    Need to buy more digestive supplements. They're the only thing that seem to manage my IBS and i also suspect they help me get more nutrients out of food, which would explain extra sluggishness. (I know I'm fighting with SAD right now too so that doesn't help.) Maybe try to leave for work early and and go to the vitamin store near there.
     
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  4. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    Other sources of anxiety brain bees: TAX RETURNS

    My W2 hasn't even come in yet and I'm already stressed thinking about them. May make a thread later for people to commiserate. I am really put off by the idea of having to pay to get them done so I always end up wrestling with those shitty free websites that try to trick you into paying about 3 different ways. Reminder to self: use same strategy as past two years, a.k.a. put on the Pacific Rim soundtrack. It makes everything you do feel badass and epic. Even taxes.

    Also: stressed about handling classes with now-diagnosed ADHD. Was supposed to get doctor for meds. New GP said he'd get me a referral once my medical record transfers from old doctor. Why has this not happened yet? Suddenly remember: I got sent a BILL to pay for them to be sent over. Shitty as hell but technically legal, I even checked out the link to the applicable state law that was provided on the bill. Need to fill out check as soon as I get home from work.

    Once there are too many things for me to do in the immediate future, they basically conglomerate in my brain into an undecipherable cloud of stress. At least now I know that this happens so I can recognize it, but I am terrible at writing lists because they cause more Obligation Anxiety. But writing it out here as I remember things helps and also somehow fulfills the function a list would while simultaneously making me feel a bit better.

    Brains are weird and stupid.
     
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  5. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    hHAhahahahahha

    OK so, I had to stay over my parents' house for a night because I have no eye insurance and had to get an exam, and the cheapest place to go is somewhere my mom must drive me to. (i usually take public transport to get around.) My mom insisted I stay for dinner afterward so I could talk to my dad about some stuff, and I reluctantly agreed even though I really want to go home. (parents's house is SO FRIGGING COLD among other things. I can't feel my toes.)

    Mom proceeded to nag me about rewriting my resume for this theatre apprenticeship program I want to apply for. Due date is in March. She got all overbearing and nosy and went and asked my sister in law to send me her resume as a template. Which would be great except it's a PDF my computer can't read, and if I C/P it into word the formatting explodes into an unreadable mess.

    I filled out my basic info and got frustrated. I really don't feel like there's much I can put ON a resume. I have a job that's totally unrelated to the certificate I'm in school for. And a certificate isn't even really a real degree. I don't have "experience" in theatre aside from one play I was costume assistant for years ago, but I don't remember the date and can't look it up on the tickets until i can go back to my apartment where they are.

    Can I put "pretty good MMO healer" on my resume?

    My mom got mad at me for putting my foot down about not working on it any more today because...I don't know. because she thinks I give up too easily. but the more times she asks me to do something the less I want to do it. I'm 26. This is petty behavior right? But every time she tells me what to do my whole mind and body rebel.

    She's always going on about how she helps people for nothing in return!! And it's like...yes, ok. She does help people sometimes, but she always seems to do it in a way where she expects something out of it for HER and this is why I hate accepting anything from her. Because she'll use it to guilt trip me later. I hate it.

    I keep saying why haven't I learned my lesson, why do I keep visiting my parents and thinking I won't be miserable afterward. Maybe because I'm afraid they'll take away monetary support. I still don't really know if my mom is abusive or just doesn't know how to back the fuck off when somethings not helping but the simple fact that my mood crashes every time I spend time with her says something. I just don't know what that thing is.

    I also feel like if I ever acknowledge that she's right about something, I forfeit the right to feel like she fucked me up emotionally growing up.
     
    Last edited: Jan 15, 2016
  6. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    Not everything my mom does is bad but it feels like there's always some expectation behind it and history tells me I will never meet her expectations ever. I end up getting more irritable and snappy the long I spend in her presence.

    A lot of it is that she acts like nothing is wrong between us when I feel uneasy being around her. Every time she expects me to say "I love you" and I do I feel like I'm acting. Every time I'm in a room with her I just want to leave it asap. She makes me feel like I'm on some alien planet because our wavelengths are so far off from each other.

    What bugs me the most is that she always expects to be thanked for everything she does, even things I don't want and certainly didn't ask for. And if it doesn't happen she complains about how NO ONE APPRECIATES HER.

    She always takes everything I say as some sort of head game or excuse when I'm stating a fact. Like when I say I'm stressed or anxious she'll go "you shouldn't be! [x task] is easy!!" Yeah ok, I'll just stop being anxious, that's how it works right? And then she complained yesterday that I'll accept help from paid professionals and not her.

    I mean, of course?? It's their fucking job? I cannot follow her logic at all.

    Once again I feel like the person she thinks is her kid is some fantasy version she made up that is one day going to "figure it out" and wake up not depressed and anxious. I've made peace with my own issues to an extent, I'm trying to work on them in my own way, and in 26 years she never figured out that the way she always pushed me destroyed my self esteem AND my trust in her. And then she goes "oh its all in your head!! You beat yourself up all the time!" As if I suddenly stopped doing that I'd be "fixed".

    I still worry about the fact that her job is working in special ed and she managed to alienate basically all her children with issues.
     
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  7. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    Every time I actually try to describe why I can't stand my mom I feel like a big whiny baby who is making a big deal out of nothing. I have to remind myself she has always known I have executive dysfunction but spent most of my life screaming at me for not getting things done. How she pounded it into my head that if I didn't accomplish something (usually because of said dysfunction) that I "didn't want it enough". How the reason I had to learn how to set boundaries in my 20s was because I had always just gone along with everything she said just to stop her from getting mad at me.

    She never hit me but she sure made me feel worthless by setting the bar too high and now I just don't want to be around her.
     
  8. SpruceZeus

    SpruceZeus 2 spoopy 2 live, 2 creppy 2 die

    sounds like the real big whiny baby is your mom tbh

    witnessed.
     
    • Like x 1
  9. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    I appreciate it. I think it's probably narcissist fleas from her parents but I honestly don't know. I just grew to hate doing things she asked because if I refused it would always be "well I did [x] for you so you can do this for me" guilt trippy bullshit instead of, I don't know, just saying "I would really appreciate it, it would be a big help".

    I never learned how to say no. My partner basically had to teach me and I'm still kind of working on it. If I REALLY didn't want to do something I would say "yes" and then passive-aggressively never get around to it, which is a REALLY bad habit. I had to learn how to read myself and figure out what was executive dysfunction and what was actually "I don't want to do this" after age 22 because I never figured it out before that. I let a lot of people down because of it.
     
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  10. SpruceZeus

    SpruceZeus 2 spoopy 2 live, 2 creppy 2 die

    hooboy can i ever empathize with this
     
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  11. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    Self: PUT ON MUSIC. It will help you focus.

    Today has been designated Adulting Day despite it being 2:30 PM as of the time I have finished my breakfast. I'm going to do my much-neglected laundry, write that damn check, possibly vacuum (GASP) and then go through my fabric bins to see what I have for the cosplay I want to make.

    I've mostly been playing Final Fantasy XIV nonstop on my days off and eating microwaveable dinners because my roommate has her two sisters over for weeks and they always make a big mess of the kitchen. Bleh. She's nice enough but I can't really...tell her not to have her sisters over? But they're huge slobs and the mess has been getting to me. Plus they go through so much toilet paper and never replace the roll and blahhhh. I feel so PA but I haven't been taking the garbage etc out as frequently because I feel like if there are 4 people in this tiny-ass apartment i shouldn't be doing HALF the work. the kitchen floor needs mopping but I just can't even look at it right now.

    Possibly nerdy new roommate canceled. I'm a little bummed. I just hope whoever she finds is someone who doesn't drive me nuts. also I want to move the WiFi router out of her room into the hall somehow because I want to be able to restart it if it craps out while she's asleep. sigh.
     
    • Like x 2
  12. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    Update: Music is magical.

    Laundry is done, though folding the clothes...ehh...we'll see.

    I ended up cleaning...a lot. all the floors in my room and the common areas. also I washed the bathroom rug. Feel much better but exhausted. No cosplay stuff happening today, using remaining spoons for dinner. Broke some nail polish bottles while vacuuming and had to clean that up, that was draining. Though it was a bit funny because everything was covered in blood red nailpolish and glitter which I'm sure is someone's aesthetic.
     
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  13. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    Now I am sore from all the cleaning. Yay...

    This guy at work started on a rant about how Millenials just aren't prepared for real hard work!!! In the middle of a conversation about how college tuition is too high. My eyes must've glazed over. I'm 26 but my little sister is a Millenial and every time someone talks about how lazy and spoiled they are I'm tempted to yell "old people ruined the economy!!!"

    I know the situation has more nuance than that but I figure it's an appropriate response to people who love painting an entire generation with a broad brush.

    The only reason I don't have college debt when all my friends do is my parents managed to get from blue collar to upper middle class almost entirely on my dad's programmer salary in the 80s, and they started a college fund for all my siblings when we were little. I know I'm lucky but I also have various mental health issues kicking my ass and I still can't find a job that pays well enough to support me. So whenever people start on the "you just have to work harder!!" BS I want to flip a table.

    Guess what, plenty of companies still encourage you not to take your GOVERNMENT MANDATED breaks even though it's illegal as fuck. We have seriously fucked up ideas about the correlation between productivity and the right to survive.
     
    • Like x 1
  14. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    My roommate just texted me to ask if I'd be ok with a woman and her TEN YEAR OLD moving into her old room.

    I'm 26 and I stay up until 3 am frequently. I know rent in the city is terribly high but when I say my apartment is tiny it's TINY. Literally 2 bedrooms, tiny hallway, tiny kitchen, tiny bathroom. That's it. There is no room for a child. Not to mention my door doesn't have a lock and I sure as hell don't want a kid getting into my stuff, especially my sewing supplies.

    Just. Why did she think this is something I'd even consider?
     
  15. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    I do not need this stress as school is starting. Just. Why.

    For context, I've been living in this apartment for a month and a year. When I first moved in it was 3 months after the lease started because the original second person left for whatever reason. But to avoid extra fees she was never taken off the lease. I just paid my rent to my roommate and she paid the whole thing. This worked fine for a year.

    Then this September (2015) I offered to get on the lease with her. I got all the paperwork together and walked to the management office (I have no car, there was no bus that went there, it was over a mile in the summer heat, this made me VERY grumpy) and was told that the original second person had not been removed from the lease. Despite HER NOT BEING THERE TO RENEW IT. so I had to get a written letter from her saying that she was going off the lease and I was taking her place.

    Asked my roommate, since this was her friend. She said she'd email the person to get the letter. I left her to it since me getting on the less was for HER convenience, not mine. I guess she never followed up.

    In November, roommate mentioned that come the new year she wanted to live with her sister. That meant either 1. They found a new apartment together or 2. I moved out early. (I was planning to move out in May when school was over, I had told her as much) I said I could try looking for apartments early but I couldn't make any guarantees, especially because holiday time at work is busy.

    Needless to say I couldn't find the time (or spoons) to look for a new place, so roommate decided to find her own place and find someone to take her room. But she really wanted someone to get on the old lease with her for security reasons. I said I MIGHT be able to but it would be better if it were the new person because I was planning to leave in May, not stay til August.

    Today she drops it on me that she took a deposit from someone, but that person is a student and can't find someone to co-sign for her so the management company rejected her. Therefore I would have to get on the lease instead. But my mom refused to cosign for ME because she thinks it'll be too much hassle in May to find someone trustworthy and keep up w them until August. I don't make enough money to do it myself. My parents pay me $1000 a month while I'm in school but that ends this spring. I can't really afford to stay until August, I was looking for someplace cheaper.

    I tell her this and roommate says that if she can't find someone in a week (she's leaving Feb 15) that she's going to just give up and terminate this lease. This means I have two weeks to find a new place, pack up my stuff, and move, while juggling work AND school.

    Fuck everything.
     
  16. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    It just feels like multiple times I said "I may be able to do this but I'm not sure" and she took it as a solid yes and now she's blaming me for not holding up my end of the bargain. I DIDN'T MAKE ANY PROMISES. I always paid my rent on time. I take out the trash. I buy toilet paper. Sometimes I forget to do my dishes but I think I'm an ok roommate? And now she's acting like this is my problem when she decided to renew and then two months later that she's going to leave. I knew subletting had risks but we were literally fine for a year and now this.

    I can probably stay with my parents if the worst happens but goddamn I do not want to go back, living with my mom aggravates my anxiety and depression and I don't think I'd be able to find a new place in that funk. She'd also try to tell me how I have too much stuff and I don't trust her not to throw things of mine away.
     
    • Like x 1
  17. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    talked to my mom and at the very least, she will go to bat for me over these things even if she personally drives me crazy. (though she did make a "if you do have to move out maybe you should consider getting rid of some stuff!!" comment. predictable.)

    She pointed out that i've paid February rent, so even if my roommate leaves on the 15th for her new place, I don't have to leave until March, at least. There's still a chance she'll find someone willing to take on the lease but. sigh. This whole stupid thing made me unable to concentrate in class today. bleh.
     
  18. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    I'm so irritated at roommate rn. She sent me a text that amounted to "well we don't have any choice so you have to help me pay the termination fee". Fuck no I don't! Especially because I made it clear I was ALWAYS planning to move out in May! Last year she went overseas for three months and was ok w me handling rent payments but now she's moving 20 minutes away and she doesn't trust me?? I'm not paying her anything if shes basically kicking me out of my room with no warning.

    She decided to renew a yearlong lease and then move out 3 months later and sign for new place despite not being sure she had someone to take her place. And now she's trying to pin it on me? I'm pissed.

    I'm trying to stay calm and not send an angry text in reply but I'm so bad at standing my ground in person...not looking forward to talking to her...ugh.
     
    Last edited: Feb 3, 2016
  19. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    Now I'm all tense and jittery. I cannot stand conflict and unresolved conflict is even worse. Tried to stand my ground in discussion with roommate but shes extra pissed at me because of it, and knowing she's angry makes living in the same space REALLY AWKWARD now. I'm just hoping the last person who came to see the room takes it.

    Turns out I WILL have to move out in 2 weeks if everything falls through because she made some deal w the management company that they'd reimburse her for half a month?! I'd why it matters because she'd have to pay the termination fee anyway. This whole thing is stupid and she made poor decisions and is now trying to pin them on me. Also I'm 90% sure there is some language or cultural barrier going on because our conversation ended with me trying to ask her clarification questions and her giving up on explaining. I don't know where we're missing each other. Maybe she IS just being a jerk but I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt and I guess that was too nice of me.

    The fact remains that she signed a new lease before making sure there was someone to cover the old one and now I'm possibly getting kicked out of my place because of it. Nothing about this is ok.

    I have a doctor's appointment that I forgot about and I was supposed to get my medical records sent over to the new place before it but executive dysfunction really kicked my ass over it. Unfortunately I have go pay to have them copied and they only accept mailed checks (stupid in this day and age, why is there no online payment option) and I have yet to procure an envelope and stamps.

    I'm so angry and tired and tense and now I don't feel comfortable in my own place and I have to go to work tonight. Already took a mental health sick day last week so that's out.
     
  20. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    life update: roommate still hasn't gotten someone to take the room. people keep coming to see it but she doesn't fucking TELL me ahead of time so i don't have time to clean and I'm annoyed. I've been physically tense for like two weeks and I've probably been playing too much FF14 because that's the only time i can turn my brain off thinking about this BS. it's also made me actually look forward to going to work, which, wtf.

    apparently even if she decides to terminate, the management company has to find someone to take the place, and she has to keep paying rent until then. If SHE hasn't found someone to take it the likelihood that they can on short notice is p low...im just hoping i get some sort of warning bf i have to move tho :/ Im just glad she dropped asking me for money because fuck that. I paid last month and security and shes not offering me that back so why should i help because of a fuckup SHE made and tried to pin on me. (basically implied i caused this situation by not moving out and letting her sister take my room. ahhahahahahhaaa)

    Just. Ugh. my mom has been looking for potential places for me to move to just in case. I forgot how agonizing apartment hunting is, especially for my ability to social. was emailing back and forth w a place and they were like "well can you come see it Monday?" and I said I had class but could i come by one of the next two days? No reply. Not "oh we found someone else" just...nothing. I never know what to do about things like that. Should I send another message? Take it as them not being interested anymore? How long should I wait? two days? Four? Ughh.

    This whole thing also makes it really fucking hard to concentrate on homework.
     
    • Like x 1
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