Adulting is Hard etc

Need to also contact PCP. Apparently I have TMJ and need to be fitted for a mouth guard. Hopefully insurance...will cover it...I was told that the ones you can buy at a drug store aren't great and I should get a custom one. Sigh.

The good news is that the tinnitus I've been having since January might go away with treatment & apparently my ears are fine & undamaged.

Trying a higher dose of anxiety meds. Will see how it goes.

Heat wave here making things miserable as fuck. We need another AC unit.

 

I have this note taking app that's supposed to replace me making reminder lists here but I keep forgetting to look at it :'>

-call dad abt car/Costco/shoes/ac/etc.

Monday:
-gastro appointment.
-Call to reschedule sleep study.
-figure out how to call team nurse?? Abt TMJ thing. Must have a business card somewhere.

-pick up new prescription sometime

-Wed is job coach
-maybe try to get together a folder of portfolio images by then (???)
-ask her abt presentation for interviews (clothes etc)

-groceries sometime

-write up commission info maybe
-make list of tasks for current commission

 

Mom: *offers to buy me an AC unit then turns around and starts asking why I can't just put up with using fans for a few months when its 90 fucking degrees out and we have 2 desktop computers necessary for doing work on*

Did you miss the point where my partner has serious health problems that include heat intolerance

You aren't even paying my electric bill so why do you fucking caaaaaare

Going to ask dad about it but I might just shell out for it myself and pray I can make the money back bf the end of the month

Feeling a little better abt the job hunt after today's meeting but I really need to get a proper portfolio together.

 

Dont post Opinions on tumblr if you have anxiety friends. Just dont.

 

Suddenly major anxiety since last night!!! For no fuckin reason!!! Unless the reason is actually my dumb tumblr post which literally got a single flippant reply!!!

Why do I care so much. Can I turn it off

Is this Hormones being a bitch again or are my meds not working

 

Ofc I forgot to take my second dose today and won't be home from work till 10pm

But I did take one this morning and it didn't do much

At least therapy is tomorrow, but also like

Trying to think of how to say this

My therapist will sometimes ask me why I think I have certain reactions to things and the answer hes looking for is always "because of how my mom/parents raised me" essentially

Maybe that's true!!! But also its...tiring? And at this pt its...not...validating any more. It used to be, I think. But I dont know. Now it just makes me feel exasperated?? Like yeah I know my brain is fucked up bc dysfunctional family dynamics but I feel like I've reached the point where knowing that doesn't do much for me anymore. It got me this far but something else...needs to happen for me to keep progressing? I've accepted it. It doesn't make me less hungry for validation when I'm feeling vulnerable

I guess I should tell him that too

Tired

 

You're hungry you simple bitch

 

Food is still hard tho. Or getting enough food. And I often get distracted and dont go get food till I'm SUPER hungry and don't have spoons to make anything.

Partner and I got some nutritional shakes and been trying those at least. Then I can get something in my stomach for some energy before making sth more substabtial.

Been doing better but it's still hard.

I dont think I was anxious because of lack of food because I had several meals during that period of time but being hungry certainly didn't help.

Still kind of tense but better.

Just need to will myself out of bed for therapy today

 

Hitting a brain block repeatedly with job search stuff

Need to email job person and explain I'm having trouble doing what she asked me to but it's been almost two weeks and I've hit the point where I'm extremely embarrassed to admit I should have asked for more help to begin with

Ffffffuuuuuuu

It's too hot and humid here why

 

Things are pretty ok right now and I feel like I should note that for posterity or something

Job coach on Monday

Resolved some friend drama

Still want a refund on this weather &my uterus

 

Feel like I'm extra grumpy this week and I don't like it

Being misunderstood is still a trigger, wheeee

Only now it makes me irritable on top of anxious

 

Job coach: "you're really hard on yourself when you don't meet deadlines"

Me: ahaha

Ahahahahahahshhshahshahahaha

 

Things:

A r c h i v e

Find spot under desk for new a/c

Some cleaning I guess

If energy make risotto

Put winter clothes box in closet (WITH CEDAR BALLS)

 

now officially off my adhd meds for a few days for sleep test round 2 and I Hate It

so fucking tired

apparently adderall is used to treat narcolepsy in some cases so there's...that...

impulse control more shit than usual, I've been snappy and then regretted it immediately a bunch

 

Medicated and feel like a person again

 

Job coach went on vacation this week and ofc that's when I get a reply from the one application we sent in

INTERNAL SCREAMING

I dont know how to respond...I feel so goddamn old I should prefer email to phone but I was so thrown off that they didnt call me

I honestly dont even know if I want this job

She kinda talked me into sending my resume and I honestly didnt expect a response. The hourly pay is good but its fuckoff in the middle of nowhere that I have to take a commuter train to and the schedule seems questionable??? (As in idk how consistent/reliable)

Also it involves kids...teaching kids...sewing stuff...I specifically didnt want a PEOPLE job....but the ad said $16-$25/hr which is insane...so I was like "lol sure why not"

If its like... middle school/hs kids I will probably be ok but really small kids will probably drive me a bit nutty. Idk if they'd let them around sewing needles anyway tho.

So I guess...I should probably ask those things...the email I got said "pls look at our schedule of classes on our website and tell us your availability in relation to that" and I was like "well that's sort of unprofessional as fuck? Dont you know what times you need people for?"

Apprehensive...dunno if I'm overthinking this

 

Was talking to therapist abt media and how the structure in video games helps me etc and hit upon something

I was thinking about how as a young teenager I used to watch/read/write fairly violent things as catharsis, but 10-15 years later the same stuff makes me very squeamish. I think part of it is that my sense of cognitive empathy developed as I got older and I started to understand the toll those sorts of things take on people in real life. I have a hard time with tragic endings now, they just frustrate me. It's not that I want my media to be devoid of suffering, it's that i want people to be able to come through it in the end.

I think also my physical health was always taken more seriously than my mental health. My mom always advocated for me fiercely about physical medical issues when I was a kid, but having mental health issues and feelings was an inconvenience because she didn't know how to fix it. So essentially, I picked up the message that physical pain was more valid than emotional pain, and I think I wanted to see people in pain in media because I was allowed to feel emotions about watching that??? Idk

It's also odd to be around a lot of people whose physical pain was dismissed (my partner especially) and see our conflicting perspectives. (By which i mean its totally valid but also weird and sort of sad to go "well this is the ONE thing my mom did right I guess")

I think now that I'm much further along in my recovery I want the media I consume to reflect and support my hope that things will continue to improve, because I finally have experience I can hold on to on bad days and say "look. This WILL pass."

 

Obligatory "therefore I understand that even if I no longer need depressing violent media to cope I understand it has an important role & people trying to get rid of it can fuck off"

 

Guess I'm still not emotionally stable enough to deal with this, GREAT

 

Spoiler

how do I turn emotions off

Or at least delay having them until theres not an immediate thing they're preventing me from dealing with

I'm so fucking USELESS and how am I supposed to handle this on my own