Discussion in 'Brainbent' started by Enzel, Jan 14, 2016.
fuck, i'd be mad too
I thought I might try to list positive things I accomplished lately but I couldn't come up with much. Logically I know it probably means I'm stuck in a negative mindset as usual and just can't SEE the good stuff but in practice, logic does shit all for my emotional state. Which is frustrating.
I need a therapist. I'm kicking myself for not getting put on the waiting list at my practice because...the lady on the phone said it would take several months to see someone and I was probably better off looking elsewhere if I needed treatment right away! Which...is sorta reasonable except
My problem is that I have a hard time getting up the momentum or courage to call any sort of doctor so I should have just said yes, put me on the list, because then at least I'd have an appointment scheduled if I can't get one elsewhere.
At least I have my intake for a psych for getting adhd meds in a month or so. Not in time to actually help me with school but it's...something...
I've been trying really hard to stay positive but aside from reading the books I picked out, I haven't gotten any homework done in three weeks. I just blank out every time I try to sit down and do it. I've done some half-hearted sketches but I keep thinking about how once I catch up, I'm going to have to write a damn research paper, and the whole reason I entered this program to begin with was so I didn't have to write any more papers!! They're the absolute worst.
( I'm getting deja vu. I may be repeating things I've said before.)
I'm just retroactively annoyed because if I'd been able to take the hat-making class that got canceled, I wouldn't have to write a stupid paper about something I don't really care about. But I had to fulfill my elective requirement somehow. And so here I am. Stuck.
If I don't make it through this semester I don't know what I'm going to do. Another year of school feels unbearable. I'm not even getting a real degree, just some crappy two year certificate, because I'm incapable of functioning academically at all.
I've already given up on the internship I wanted to apply for because there's no way I can scrape together the application in a week and a half. I asked my manager at work and my professor for recommendation letters but forgot to remind them as the deadline approached, and it doesn't matter anyway because why would my professor have anything nice to say about me if I can't keep up in either of her classes??
Also I still have no fucking clue what to put on my resume or how to write a cover letter. I just feel a deep sense of shame thinking about it.
I skipped class last week because I felt sick and I still have no idea if it was all in my head or not. I told myself I'd at least use that time to do homework but once again I did absolutely nothing. I should have emailed my prof but I didn't because I'm ashamed. I have no excuse. I'm just a mess.
What I really need is a coach or something to walk me though all this bullshit but I'm once again terrified to ask my parents for help because I've been refusing it for months. Mostly because my mom never actually really helps, or if she does its after a lot of belittling me and making me feel like shit.
I actually did search for therapists but the were only like three that took my insurance AND dealt with all my issues (anxiety+depression and gender crap, because I've decided I should really talk to a therapist about that too, finally) and it turns out at least one of them doesn't REALLY take my insurance because of some beaurocratic bullshit. (That doesn't even look like a word I think I spelled it wrong)
Why is it so damn hard to get a therapist.
I'm just so frustrated because I'm stuck and everything I've tried hasn't done shit to get me out of this situation. I don't want to move back with my parents but I haven't had the spoons to look at apartments either.
Trying this again:
Good things: -partner visited for a couple days and cooked me delicious food.
-I managed to do the mountain of dishes in the sink.
-I have been successfully taking my meds every day (birth control and digestive meds)
Meh: -still cannot tell if constant tiredness is from bc, emotional exhaustion, or just lack of sleep because I keep waking up with my sinuses stuffed. I really really need a sleep study or like. My nasal passages checked because partner and I suspect sleep apnea. It would explain my snoring and the fact that I can't smell well because I constantly have a stuffed nose even in the absence of allergies or a cold.
-I'm excited about 1 project (designing costumes for book characters) but my apathy/aversion for the rest of my homework is preventing me from doing the stuff I'm actually interested in.
-local con in a week and a half. Extremely bummed I wasn't able to make a costume for it. I theoretically COULD but at the expense of...everything else at this point. Part of me doesn't even want to go but I already bought my badge months ago.
-still no clue if I'm getting kicked out of my apartment or not. Need to look at new ones. Critically low on spoons for people - interaction and what I do have is spent at work. So even if I did look at places there's the matter of going to visit them
-prospect of being stuck at my parents' house for even a month is mind-numbing. They'll insist on me eating meals w them and checking on my progress and that always made me want to do things even less when I lived at home.
Other thoughts: framing my anxiety in the light of "not so much plain fear as fear of SHAME" makes a lot of sense but I don't really know what to do with that revelation.
Had an extremely weird conversation w my dad.
He usually plays good cop and sometimes it works but...
I dunno. He called to check up on me because I hung up on my mom a few days ago in frustration. And he did listen to me as I tried to explain why I've been so stressed. I also repeated what I said up thread about me being thought of as "just stubborn" as a kid and how that mentality harmed me, and he admitted they had misinterpreted a lot of my behavior when I was younger (!!!!!) And missed things.
He suggested I withdraw from the elective class which is something I'm considering. It just stings because I already flunked school once and things were going so well until this semester. But two classes on top of work and the roommate drama is apparently too much for me to handle.
That was giving me hope but then when I tried to explain about my energy levels and how certain tasks will (mentally and physically) exhaust me, basically spoon theory in different words, he flat out said "i don't believe that's true."
Like maybe I should've known that wouldn't go well, because one time I DID specifically try to explain spoons to my parents and they really just couldn't grasp it. "Why can't you just add more spoons??"etc.
I tried to say that him telling me my understanding of my own abilities to accomplish things "wasn't true" when it was the only thing that explained my constant struggle through life was hurtful. Idk if he changed his mind. He wasnt...mean about it he just kept saying "your problem is starting things, you just need to learn how to push yourself to start them". That doesn't explain why I come home from work and talking to customers for hours and don't want to speak to another person for two days!
He does have a problem with understanding people have different experiences. I mean my mom does too but their issues w it are different...somehow. he's generally quiet and reserved while my mom yells a lot but if you talk to him enough you find out he has some dated, kinda privileged views, especially about race and feminism. (I.e. he doesn't witness discrimination therefore things are "better" than they used to be so people shouldn't complain)
I'm sensing that here. He feels like since he figured stuff out in life that everyone else should be able to with minimal trouble and it's really hard to get him to change his mind once he has an idea like that in his head. I appreciate that he's trying to look out for me but it was really damn hard not to fall into my old thought patterns of "there's nothing wrong w me, I'm just lazy and not trying hard enough" after him saying that.
I just remembered the context. He said it in response to me explaining why I couldn't just "go out and exercise" because it makes him and mom feel better, so clearly it would make me feel better!!
After a fiasco where they got me a gym membership and I tried to go but it took way too much effort to get there and I discovered I hated being around strangers getting sweaty. Also I'd have loved to swim but public pools make me nervous. And then there was a big fuss about me canceling it. It was a mess.
It's not like I dont exercise. I walk 3-4 miles for my work commute at least 4 times a week. I walk to the grocery store. But "working out" bores and frustrates me and I hate getting sweaty thanks to the complex my mom gave me about smelling bad as a teenager.
(I showered every day in high school but she'd STILL come into my room, open the window, complain about how I smelled, constantly ask if I'd showered or used deodorant. Now I'm fucking paranoid about smelling bad and have to shower every day still or I get extremely uncomfortable.)
Someone my old roommate found came by last night to meet me and she was going to move in tomorrow and i was SO RELIEVED but this morning old roommate texted me to say the mgmt company found someone else before she notified them, so I'm getting kicked out April 1 after all.
Like...I even was able to relax last night and have a good night's sleep because I was so relieved and now i can feel the tension coming back into my shoulders. :| I managed to throw down a few emails to places on craigslist but now I have to coordinate...
class was canceled yesterday because of snow so i didn't get to talk to my teacher in person and now i have to think about how to compose an email about this whole shitty situation.
I didn't want to post about it prematurely in case it didn't work out but I have signed the paperwork now. I have a new apartment. Moving in 2 days. In house laundry and a real living room.
Now I need a nap,
In house laundry is the best. I don't think I could ever live anywhere with out of the house laundry.
no more hoarding quarters and setting aside two whole hours to do it. hell yes. also DISHWASHER.
(my current/old place is tiny. like, two bedrooms, tiny hallway, tiny bathroom, tiny kitchen.) This whole thing has sucked but i am kinda excited to live in a bigger place. roommates seem nice. it is on the third floor BUT there's a bus stop right outside so no more 20-25 minute walk to the train for work. my room will be smaller but there is storage space for some stuff.
off to compose the email about dropping that class. then I'm going to attempt some homework. crosses fingers.
Moved in. V. tired. I have too much stuff, I'm going to start a pile as I unpack of things to get rid of and put it on craigslist.
Even w partner and my dad helping it took us from like noon to 10:30 PM to move all my stuff from one place to the other so....yeah.
Thankfully roommates are cool w me leaving some things in the living room as I sort it.
Books are gonna be tricky. My main bookshelf broke in the middle of things (Tbf it was old) so I only have a small one currently, and besides there's not really any room for a large one. So most of my books will probably have to stay in boxes.
rambling. I'm gonna be sore as hell tomorrow and I have to go to work but. At least the big part is over.
Things I still need to do:
-Cancel the utilities from my old place (meant to do this yesterday...sigh)
-email school person about withdrawal from class
-sign up for a summer class to fulfill my elective requirement instead
-unpack, sort, clean.
Roommates are...fairly clean but there's a lot of stuff just scattered about in the kitchen and bathroom. I know I have an Issue (capital letter intentional) with cleanliness because I grew up with my mom, who is the ultimate Neat Freak. (Like, it's probably pathological.) So I may clean the sinks and floors and stuff but I'm going to try not to get super weird about it. X.x just certain levels of mess make my skin start crawling. Usually more dirt-related than clutter.
(Note: ask psych person about possible ocd/ocpd at first opportunity x.x)
On the plus side I can sometimes get spoon boosts from cleaning and sorting. (Sorting!!! I love sorting.) But it is pretty compulsive because it can and will prevent me from keeping prior appointments or doing anything else. Like eating.
It was very hard to stop unpacking but I had to remind myself a few times that it's late and the noise will bother people and I can still do it tomorrow.
Mostly unpacked. Just set up my tiny bookshelf +put up my pictures and whiteboard on the walls today.
I think I'm doing well, I've been actually cooking some meals but I wonder if it has to do w having no microwaveable food around...haven't had time or energy for grocery shopping so I've been going through what I brought when I moved.
After only a little work today (hammering picture nails into walls and putting books on bookshelf) I suddenly felt a wave of exhaustion and had to get in bed. Idk why this happens. I'm pretty physically fit aside from my back issue and I ate this afternoon. I've just been sleeping nearly ten hours a day. I should make a doctor's appointment probably but other things are more urgent. Usually when this happens I can nap for a couple hours and then in the evening I'll have energy. But I really wonder if it's maybe that the sleep I am getting isn't restful.
Like I'm feeling really creative brain wise and I wanted to go food shopping, get a haircut and then draw today, and my body was like nope. You're too tired. Not even sleepy just have no energy, muscles are weak. Ehh.
today: woke up at 2:30pm after 10 hours of sleep (why. and yes i should probably go to bed earlier than 3:30 am but its not new. usually i wake up at 11-12.) Paid outstanding utility bills from old apartment. Sent email to withdraw from second class as the dead line is Wed.
I didn't get any schoolwork done this week but I'm going to pack all my drawing supplies, make lunch, and then try to go in to school early and see if i can actually do work. :(
in other news we now have this emote on the forums and it is SO USEFUL I'm so happy
Spoiler: over sleeping was caused by impending period. Typical.
Psych intake appointment today. Not sure if I will be able to get meds right away but it's a start. Going to ask to be put on the therapy waiting list and make an appt with my PCP about my general sleep problems and possible sinus issues. Plus he should have gotten my medical records by now so we can discuss the digestive probs too.
Still need to do taxes. Meh.
Going to be another month until I can see an actual psychiatrist. Sigh.
Makes another to do list:
-pay Internet bill and calculate roommates' shares
-clean the mildew out of my dresser and put in new contact paper (ughhh why did this happen to me. I think because my old room was so hot all the time)
-do a wash of the clothes that smell funny
-possibly put aside more clothes to get rid of
-do taxes, better late than never
-grocery shopping (this will have to happen tomorrow)
-Clean up my resume and present to teacher
-final illustrations of my design collection
-start making a single document or folder for thing I actually want in my portfolio
-technical drawings of each design
I feel like I did a ton of stuff yesterday but looking at my list all I accomplished was cleaning my dresser.
(tbf i did things that weren't on it like go return a pair of pants that didn't fit and get better ones, buy cleaning supplies, etc)
I at least got some schoolwork done. still a bunch to go, though. Thankfully it jumpstarted my art brain and now I'm drawing a bunch.
In other news, I should probably chill out but one of my roommates is making me weirdly nervous. She's been nothing but friendly, but she told me all these things about the guy who used to have my room and how much of a pain he was to live with. She prefers things pretty clean. I do too. But it seems like she and the other roommate have a habit of leaving their shoes on inside so the kitchen floor is...really dirty. Which is sorta foreign to me. I grew up where you always take your shoes off inside. But since it's already dirty it would just get my socks dirty, so I got a pair of shoes to wear inside. and take them off when in my room.
But even tho the floors need cleaning, nurse roommate is really worked up about the rest of the kitchen being clean. Other roommate is apparently not great at cleaning but she went on a trip for a couple months, so it's just two of us. I have a v different schedule, nurse roommate (henceforth NR) wakes up at like 5am and comes home from work around 3pm. At 1-3pm I'm usually getting ready for work and then I come home around 10-11pm. Class also runs late (6-10pm on Mondays.)
This isn't a problem for me, I've a heavy sleeper and I never hear her in the morning. Apparently she accidentally dropped a mug outside my room the other day and I didn't wake up soooo...I sleep like the dead. And she can't seem to hear me being up late on the computer so that's fine.
But sometimes I'll make breakfast/lunch and then have to run to work, b/c I have not great time management (thanks ADHD) or I won't have the spoons to do my dishes right away, and I'll leave them in the sink. It's usually like, a bowl and a spoon, possibly a small pot. I noticed for a few days if I left them overnight, when I got up the next day they'd be washed and on the drying rack. (dishwasher is broken, idk when it will be fixed) I felt sorta embarrassed. Finally NR says to me that she wants me to do my dishes right away because she doesn't want to come home from work and see dirty dishes in the sink. it's not like the sink is full, or there's a shortage of dishes, or I leave food scraps in them that are gross...idk. I can't tell if this is unreasonable or not? It's minor but it felt judgey so now I just leave my dishes in my room until I'm ready to clean them. It's never more than a day.
On top of this she talked to me yesterday (this usually just comes up in conversation if we happen to be in the kitchen at the same time, or if i leave my door open because my room is small and can get stuffy. She talks a lot in general. So it's not like she's singling me out for Talks, she's just absurdly social and I am...not.) and said something like...
Basically Previous Roommate was kind of...a fast talker? And I experienced that a bit when he sold me the room. He didn't tell the other two he worked from home and apparently ran up their utility bills a lot. So now after almost a month of living here, NR comes to me and says he "misrepresented" my schedule and that she expected me to be a full time student and be out of the house more. I asked if she got a utility bill yet, thinking she was saying this b/c it was higher than normal, but she said no, she just "noticed" I was home more than she "expected".
This is weird because I see her like maybe 3-4 times a week at most. Also I previously explained I work late and sleep late so I feel like her perception is skewed. I work at least 4 days a week and have class 1 so like...I'm home for 2 days, which is my "weekend". (despite being tuesday+wednesday) Is that abnormal??? I don't even use lights during the day b/c my windows let enough in, it's not like I'm using tons of electricity? But she was saying stuff about "re-evaluating" utility bills and...it felt weird. I'm hoping this isn't some kind of red flag.
Bleh. Hoping it's not anxiety brain overreacting.
last day of class is tomorrow and I don't think I can get all my work done in time.
yes it's my own fault for not planning ahead, but my focus has been fucking awful and I've been unable to work on it for more than half an hour at a time, if anything.
frustrated. idk what my parents will do if I get another incomplete. if i can even take an incomplete on my portfolio of all things. I know what I need to do, its not even difficult, just insanely time consuming and none of my music is helping.
I've burst into tears out of pure unspecified emotional distress several times over the past couple days. been feeling tired all the time. I still have a week of bc pills left so idk if it's pms or just stress.
some of it could be dysphoria. I don't know how to tell. I just feel generally shitty. getting to work is a drag. being at work is a drag. I've been yelled at and talked down to twice by the same shitty customer in a week. no spoons for cooking and no real money left for takeout.
I have to make a phone call to actually get the appointment for a prescription for ADHD meds. why couldn't they just make it at the intake appointment??? i don't know.
feel extra awful because the one thing i can do reliably is play video games. I know they're meant to keep you focused and all but I feel ashamed. Because I could have done all this work if I just...something. Except the days I purposefully said "no, im not playing my game, I will not start it up I'm going to get work done" I end up obsessively cleaning my apartment instead.
I cannot make myself work. I fucking hate this.
I shouldn't have called out of work today, at least i'd be making money instead of sitting around and crying and dreading going to my parents for mother's day. I thought I'd get up and drink some tea and get ALL THIS HOMEWORK DONE but so far all I've accomplished is cleaning the bathroom sink and crying.
Bad news: kinda didn't finish all my stuff by end of term. still have some coloring of art to do.
Good news: psych appt was moved up as someone else cancelled. Going in tomorrow morning. May have meds as soon as Friday.
Hoping for the best, as I understand ADHD meds work basically immediately if they do work. magic.
Psych appointment was a mess but @Akiv'a is helping salvage things, they are the best
If people are just nice to me I tend to believe them or them they're reasonable. I'm too trusting.
The doctor saying "I didn't read your medical history because it was 90 pages" should have been a red flag
She prescribed me wellbutrin and I'm like 70% sure I've taken it before and it didn't work??? But I couldn't remember so I said nothing
Going to ask my mom (sigh) of she remembers. If not, but the people to CHECK MY FUCKING RECORDS before I take it.
Also I brought my ADHD diagnosis papers to my first PCP appt months ago to be scanned and yet according to this Dr they aren't on record.
Plus she confused me w her description into saying I don't have panic attacks. Now that A is sending me stuff about them, we're p sure I do.
Edit: sorry too hard to fix typos mobile is stupid
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