Adulting is Hard etc

I would like a refund on today please

-woke up still congested
-took a while to feel human enough to go to work, which would be fine bc i wanted to do fewer hours today bc i feel terrible, except
-commute was doubled because of the fucking Patriots parade
-city was full of rowdy sports fans and smelled like weed everywhere, which is great because it makes me feel ill
-waited for a train for almost half an hour because there were so many people on the platform that two separate trains couldn't fit a fraction of them
-gave up and decided to walk ten minutes to my next transfer station, got turned around and walked three blocks in the wrong direction (through crowds of weed-scented football fans) and had to go all the way back
-finally got to work. Work went fine but since i was doing a shorter shift decided not to take my lunch bc id be home soon right
-took longer roundabout route home to avoid sports fans.
-stopped at craft store, picked up some things, wandered around for a bit, checked time, somehow in my brain fog id somehow wasted 90 minutes and the store was closing
-feel like an ass bc i used to hate it when customers wouldn't leave on time
-hurry to check out
-card gets declined 3 times
-no messages from my bank, check my account which has plenty of money in it
-bank customer service closed 5 mins ago
-have the cashier just do the return i brought instead and make a list of the items i wanted to buy for later
-turns out i brought an item from a different store to return by accident
-feel like even more of an ass and leave, now utterly mortified
-was going to stop at grocery store and get Aki some cookies they like for their bday tomorrow but that's not happening

-am now on the bus home, very hangry and ready to burst into tears at any moment

Edit: reminder to myself to fill out the stupid survey thing bc the cashier was very sweet and patient with me and i know how much corporate heckles them to get responses

 

congestion better today finally. nose not running so bad and painkillers manage the headache.

turns out bank automatically sends a new card and cancels the old one when you contest a suspicious charge but I wish...they notified you?? or had any sort of information about that at all. if this is the first time that this happened how was i supposed to know...

so now I don't have a bank card until it arrives, hopefully tomorrow or friday

i went to pick up my sewing machine and discovered they only accept cash or card so i need to wait until the new card arrives, borrow a car AGAIN, and go back there to get it -____-

I wish it said that on their website because i checked it before i left and there was no info...

i really need to apply for an actual credit card but it's sort of nerve wracking

also have to change over my utilities & game sub blah

 

Ahhhh

Its Saturday and my new card still hasnt arrived

(It might come today but im at work and cant check til later)

Had a...scare bc i forgot my FFXIV sub was going to autopay soon, tried to log in, found out my sub was canceled...bc ofc they tried to charge the canceled card...i was going to switch it over as soon as i got the new one but i didnt think to check bc i hadnt gotten an email...turns out i put those emails in filter and didnt check the filter bc im a dumbass...anyway.

Panicked a bit bc it was raid night and the last time this happened (to Aki) there was a big mess where their acount got temp banned. Apparently because they were online playing the game when the payment bounced. So i was lucky. Managed to buy a time card on Amazon w left over xmas gift cards.

Repair place called again to remind me my sewing machine is ready and im like... :'> i know...i literally cannot...access my money to pay for it...

Worst case if i rly need money i can do a bank transfer to Aki and have them withdraw it from an atm or something (i can also use checks and paypal but neither of those will work for the repair place ofc) but idk why its taking so long :<

Definitely...going to go apply for a credit card soon...i hope its not too much of a hassle

In minor gripes, work is REALLY FUCKING COLD bc we are having a thermostat problem (thankfully not dangerous just annoying as hell) manager was pissed bc she finally fixed it somehow and then someone (maintenance guy i think) messed it up again.

Result is i eat lunch in the back room with my jacket on, lol.

 

good: new bank card arrived finally. checked my utilities and apparently i had them all linked to my bank account directly and not thru the card so that's all good.

Picking up sewing machine tomorrow i hope.

need to:

-email therapist back because I keep. forgetting.
-figure out how to renew driver's license (Aki needs new state ID also)
-put new card on patreon payments too
-dentist nonsense

 

very low spoons today x( unsure why. it's my day off and I had a lot of stuff I wanted to do but I feel like i didn't accomplish much.

Need to do laundry and groceries and it's past 8pm...maybe just do groceries on the way home from work tomorrow.

started fixing a sweatshirt I've had for a while, the zipper broke & i finally got a replacement for it but I lost steam halfway thru. kind of want to draw but don't feel like drawing. feel like i should have taken my extra adderall dose this morning even tho I didnt have work, maybe it would have helped w productivity. just wanna go back to bed. meh.

 

That thread just reminded me of MMO Friend and her husband, the Walking Handful of Red Flags



(Not anyone in the thread in particular just the subject matter)

Spoiler: creepy shit wrt boundaries

Don't remember if i ever talked about this. Very sweet young woman, we'll call her N. Married to this guy who supposedly "rescued" her from her previous abusive relationship. (Her words, also i do believe she had an abusive ex) I picked up on the fact that they had a D/s thing going from some offhand comments she made. But he had no fuckin boundaries. Which made it very questionable what was them playing and what was him controlling her.

-when we talked to her in voice chat (usually me, Aki, maybe another friend or two) and he was around, he would constantly pester her, surprise tickle her even when she told him to stop, and sometimes say really suggestive things ("I know you like it" etc in that Tone :/) while knowing we could hear him. He would also distract her while she was healing dungeons for us which. He also played MMOs so he should know how frustrating that is. Once or twice i can understand if you don't know someone is in the middle of something, but it was frequent.

-she'd say stuff like "oh [husband] said I'm not allowed to level this character without him/do this quest without him" etc. A lot. Again no way to tell if it was a scene thing or him being weirdly controlling.

-they roleplayed thinly veiled self-inserts of each other in a relationship which, whatever. But he stated that his character "was poly but only ok with [her character] being with women because he sees other men as a threat". P sure this was true about their irl relationship as well.

-he eventually stopped playing the game we met her thru and bought her a monthly sub to a different game that he'd gotten into. She told us that he insisted she play with him even though she didn't want to because she had bad memories of that game due to playing it with her ex. (And he knew this.)

-in the context of the above, she was chronically ill/in pain a lot and financially dependent on him. She would tell us that he'd get his paycheck and immediately spend most of it on video games and alcohol, and by the end of the month they'd be living on boxed mac and cheese. Yet he was paying for 6 game subs. (his, hers, and her best friend's for 2 different games) He never seemed to have enough money to take her to a doctor. They moved to a place with supposedly cheaper rent but he couldn't afford a mattress and she slept on the floor for months (honestly i dont know how long, possibly over a year) despite being in a lot of pain. (Couldn't afford an air mattress in the meantime?? Seriously) She didn't even have winter clothes so i ended up mailing her a box of clothes i didn't wear anymore and extra scarves.

-less egregious than the above but still questionable: once in game chat I was jokingly complaining about how doing something in game made me nervous (i don't remember exactly, i might have just said that it was difficult) and he immediately adopted this weird condescending tone, calling me "sweetheart" and saying that he would help me get used to it or whatever. I was so put off i had to tell N to pass on that having a grown-ass adult i was not in a relationship with call me "sweetheart" was not appropriate. To his (only) credit he never used a pet name on me again, but. Eugh. Who thinks its ok to talk to another adult like that in the first place???

-she was eventually convinced to move most of her characters except one to a different data center (server group, basically) so we could no longer do content together. Supposedly they had other friends there. We still have contact w her on discord but don't talk nearly as often. She does seem to have other friends in her group at least, and Aki checks in w her every now and then because we're both. Concerned.

Yanno i had tried for a while to give this dude the benefit of the doubt of him being well-meaning but in over his head, but looking back on all that, what the fuck??

I mean, he has the dubious honor of not being the guy who was consensually flirting with another friend of mine, sexually harrassed another woman and then told my friend "i hope this won't destroy what we could have had" when she found out. (She blocked him.) (My dude, it's not jealousy, it's because you demonstrated you have no respect for your fellow human beings and that's kind of a turn-off. You fuckin creep.)

In conclusion,

 

Tomorrow:

-get car
-meds
-dentist stuff while at health center
-aki wants to go to paper source
-groceries

-make urgent care appt

no time limit:

-list of symptoms etc
-finish taking in clothes

 

Suddenly realized dentist appt tomorrow is for the mouthguard fitting and i haven't gotten my cavities filled yet bc i have to have them send the xrays over to my regular dentist

Idk if that will be a problem like if they end up changing the shape of my teeth...argh.

At least i can sort out the xrays and insurance stuff bc i didnt have time to before

I dunno...what to do abt therapist...i havent seen him since december bc whenever my routine gets changed i fuck stuff up. So i missed our scheduled appt beginning of January and then never made a new one bc i kept forgetting. Then discovered an email he sent me saying "if you dont contact me by x date im assuming you want to officially end treatment" but i found it like a week after that date bc i forgot i sorted medical emails into a different. Folder which was supposed to make them easier to find but yknow

Logically i know i should just. Fucking explain that life got the better of me and things have been hectic but im so embarrassed.

I also don't know what else he can do for me honestly? Like...i dont wanna end on that note but also it feels like the help i need now is with SOMEONE who knows how to teach life skills/management/executive function to an adhd adult bc im nearly 30 and still learning some basic social conventions

But every specialist ive found only treats children

Ugh

 

Good news is it turns out i can get a payment plan for the mouthguard which is. Much more manageable than dropping $500 at once :'>

Got my xrays sent over, now to find out if my insurance covers the fillings i need and how much...

 

I keep saying my dysphoria isnt as bad as some other people have it and thats true but man.

It seems like when i was resigned that my old job would never allow me the time/money to get top surgery i was able to compartmentalize it. But now that i actually earn vacation/sick hours it feels within reach. (Still need some savings first, and the next chunk of savings after paying people back is going towards moving in the fall, but i might even make a separate savings acct for it...)

I did actually talk to my therapist abt it a few months back but i have to figure out how to get in touch w the transition people at my health center. I don't really have much hope it'll be covered by insurance bc i don't want to take T so i do have to save for it, and Aki knows how to look for surgeons. So yeah. Its doable i just need to put aside the money and get the bureaucracy stuff rolling. Maybe in 2-3 years? Theoretically i could ask my parents for the money but. Nope. Honestly i don't even want to tell them even tho I'll probably have to. (My dad honestly would not...notice...but my mom would) Not really prepared to have that talk still.

Its kinda stupid but i honestly can't...remember...if i told my siblings Im NB. I know they'd both be chill about it which is probably why. I think i did tell my sister but it was ages ago? I need to call my brother about some other stuff anyway so i might...bring it up. One of his best friends from HS came out as trans some years back and he asked me some advice (bc he knew i have trans friends) and was generally cool about it. And i forget the context but he said something that indicated he understood how nb pronouns work once. (He teaches & has had trans students as well iirc?)

Im just rambling but i was thinking the other day how even tho its miserably cold im going to miss winter bc i wont be able to get away with hiding my chest w layers anymore. I wear (loose) sports bras bc i feel best when im not really thinking about my chest, so i save my binder for cosplay and special occasions. (Also im worried abt the effects of wearing it often bc i know thats not good.) i like my work clothes and the place i work for actually makes women's clothes that fit me (physically and aesthetically) so i was idly thinking about how it would be a bummer to have to get new uniform pieces after surgery. Then i remembered its literally my job to tailor shit and i can just modify them. (Hopefully not too difficult)

Things like that have been on my mind on and off lately. At least the dysphoria hasnt been super intense but it has been more frequent. It's...an annoyance. It's not preventing me from living my life but its a near-constant "god can this be over already?"

Doc just started me on a diff kind of bc pill because i kept getting my period even on 3 straight months of the old one. Will see how it works. I think im on week two and haven't felt much different. Maybe a little more anxious lately but i dunno if that's related or not. (Cant rly pinpoint when it started)

 

Woke up at 4:30 am bc it feels like the heat got turned on or sth, but i was sweating profusely and had to throw off several blankets (bedroom is usually cold)

Tried to go back to sleep but kept having intrusive thoughts about the zombie apocalypse (made it to season 3 of Z Nation without any nonsense but just watched the ep where it goes over what all the cast was doing on the day of the outbreak and i guess my brain thought that would be GREAT to ruminate over suddenly)

I'm also extremely hungry and will probably need to eat something before my stupid body will let me sleep again

But im just lying here trying not to think about the vast existential horror of a potential apocalypse

Thanks brain

 

Having an active imagination is great for creative stuff but it also means your intrusive thoughts are fucking intense

Like why is this necessary

I didnt want to sit and eat in the dark but brain keeps chanting at me to turn the kitchen light off or "they'll know you're there"

I prefer the 5am giggles over whatever the fuck this is

 

I think brain screaming was probably 70% hunger but after eating it took me a while and playing mobile game to distract myself to actually fall asleep again

Blah

 

Slept poorly again but thankfully Zombie Apocalypse Thoughts have chilled tf out. I'm idly wondering if it might have something to do w taking my anxiety meds too late at night, will ask doctor.

Tried to use my HSA card but it didn't work even tho i activated it...meh. have to try to sort it out tonight bc i don't remember my username/pw off the top of my head.

-need to call dentist to make sure the got my xrays and give insurance
-get therapist's # after my psych appt today (tho that had a $30 copay so probably good that I dont need weekly therapy anymore x.x but i feel like i should follow up at least)

 

Feeling kind of burnt out in general

Thought dentist stuff was sorted but apparently when i looked up my insurance card online it only has a group # and not an id # on it and they need the id #...so i have to...call my insurance i guess...this is dumb. (Why doesnt it have all the info on it???)

Xrays take two weeks apparently so they should arrive next week which is time for me to sort that out i guess

Still dont know wtf is up w my hsa account but apparently if i keep the copay receipt i can be reimbursed at least

Doc thinks my anxiety spikes might be a reaction to the new birth control so need to keep an eye on that

Gotta get BC and adderall on Monday

Have the day off tomorrow at least. Going to try to look into the insurance/HSA stuff. Try to cook. Hopefully chill.

Spoiler: gross

This is the third? Fourth? Time in a few months ive gotten zits on the inside of my nose. This has never happened before now. Also they hurt like a bitch!

 

>get 6 hrs sleep
>10:30, wake up, eat a little, take morning meds, go back to sleep for ~1.5 hours
>lay in bed for a bit playing mobile games bc im an adult and its my day off
>get up and do various low key things like dishes, sewing project, check mail, video games
>start feeling the kind of eye-burning fatigue you get from pulling all-nighters around 7:30 pm

Its amazing what an extra 5mg of Adderall can do ._.

(I dont take the extra dose on days i dont have work but its a bit concerning that i can fall asleep for over an hour on 30mg. In case i ever doubt i have a sleep disorder.)

(Tbf i should not have stayed up til 4am the previous night but yknow)

(Apparently not wanting to go to sleep bc you're bored is in fact considered a sleep disorder also)

 

Bed at...12:30?? Woke up 7:30 ish, ate a little, back to bed for a bit to doze. Poked around on phone. Got up. Had no idea what to do for 2 hrs before work, ended up just logging in to ffxiv and listening to the bgm while i scrolled tumblr. Ate some more. Was not alert enough to do much. Left for work and had to go back bc i forgot to take my meds. :| (thankfully was only a block down the street) that much of a routine change fucks me up even. (I usually take them w breakfast but i usually p much wake up, eat, shower if i need, get dressed, leave. And didn't want to take them too early in case i crashed too early later)

And...still going to be late for work despite waking up early, bc i spaced out at the computer and then missed 2 trains bc i had to go back for my meds. I guess 45 mins is better than 3 hrs.

(Thinking abt it daylight savings probably helps a bit...)

 

Things:

-look into HSA thing tonight
-dental insurance also

-pick up meds Friday
-groceries (bagel!!)

-call bro abt medical advocate


...lmfao the dentist from health center called me and apparently they accidentally broke the mold of my teeth they took for making the mouthguard. She was very apologetic bc she remembered how this whole thing has been an ordeal for me but i found it more funny than anything at this pt...anyway they can still make a mouthguard for my bottom jaw instead which is apparently not that different functionally so i told them to go ahead. (Instead of having to come in to get another mold taken) thinking abt it just having it on the bottom might be more comfortable for me...just thinking back on when i had to wear a retainer.

Been off my extra Adderall dose for a few days bc i couldn't fill it till yesterday. Not sure how i ran out, i did a few extra days of work but i rationed it by only taking 1 instead of 2...eh. can't tell how much its been affecting me other than being a bit drowsy. At least the eye-burning fatigue hasnt come back so i wonder if that was a bad night.

Annoyingly i now have to fill my bc meds every 3 weeks bc it comes in those packets of 21 (plus placebo week) and my doctor usually has me pick up 4 packets st once. (3 mo supply) but new insurance only lets me get...one packet at a time. :/ at least that is fully covered by insurance unlike my other meds, but since i havent had regular therapy its a pain to get out to the pharmacy that often...

I think eventually I'd want to set up getting prescriptions mailed to me (tho idk if thats allowed for shit like adderall) bc it would be helpful for both me and Aki...but rn our apartment doesnt have a great place to leave packages so it would concern me.

Landlord texted asking if we're staying in Sept and I'm like...ugh...its March why this. I mean we don't plan to but im not looking forward to apartment hunting & i don't have much in savings yet for a new deposit. She did say we have till the end of the month to tell her.

Going to attempt to pick up some extra hrs at work this month so hopefully that'll help (w any upcomong dentist bills as well x.x)

 

Eye burny tiredness returned yesterday :| got meds but only realized after i got home that...i was charged the old price for them which makes me think they mistakenly ran it against my old insurance? I just hope thats not going to be a mess i need to untangle x.x

 

Idk if its meds-related or "i havent been to therapy in almost 3 months" related but ive been ruminating on shame a lot lately and need to...unpack that...when i have more ability to make words...blah