Adulting is Hard etc

Me: *gets up early, calls doctor. Psych receptionist goes straight to voicemail *

Me: *calls regular appt line instead* *is on hold for 20 mins*

Me: i have appt w Dr. [Redacted] today, i need to reschedule.

Person: *transfers me to psychiatry which goes to voicemail again*

...i just left a message bc im too tired for this bs but they better not count me as having missed an appointment because there was no human being available to take my fucking call

 

Hurggg im so tired i couldn't settle down, brain wouldnt turn off, landlord has the heat cranked up and now im hungry

Just wanna go back to sleep

 

Got a call back. New appointment in July. (Tired thumbs up)

 

Landlord sometimes takes a fucking month to deposit checks and it drives me CRAZY

I just got my budgeting fucked up because i wrote her the last payment check like 4 weeks ago and for some reason she didnt try to deposit it until today. Along with this month's rent check. I had to ask Aki to spot me until i get paid on Thursday because it's been so fucking long i didn't remember to even check if that one had gone thru or not. Meaning i spent money i shouldn't have because i thought it was available.

I hate this. I wish there were a way to have a different account tied to checks than the one my debit card comes out of. I know my credit union allows multiple savings accounts which is nice but i need somewhere to put my regular monthly bills that is different than my pool of spending money. I'm too adhd for this.

 

Got roped into visiting grandma for Mother's Day. Well...i felt that i should because her health hasn't been great. On one hand, looking forward to not having to deal with other obligations for a few days. On the other hand, not looking forward to being stuck in a car with my mother for about ten hours.

I'll probably bring some embroidery or crochet to do at least.

Gotta do laundry tonight & empty trash. Been very tired this week. Eye keeps twitching. Probably those things are related. I slept ok last night at least, but i have raid tonight & am going to work early tomorrow so I'll be getting abt 6 hrs of sleep >.> woohoo...(i agreed to come in forgetting what day it was)

 

Im awake but at what cost

 

God i hate air mattresses

Im so happy to be home on my own bed


...ofc guess what finally arrived in the mail

The $200 bill for my psych appointment :'>

Apparently i don't need to pay a copay for ob/gyn so they applied the copay i paid towards it but...i still owe...$190. Lol.

Def going to try to talk to insurance and health center to see if there's anything that can be arranged because this is ridiculous.

 

Went by my old workplace and basically all my old coworkers have quit, there's maybe 4 people i know still there. Lol. I made a good choice leaving. Apparently the store manager also quit and now they have a new douchey one. Rip. The place was kind of a mess, too.

Turns out if you treat your employees like shit they'll leave. Who knew.



...my left eye has had a persistent twitch for the past week and i think it's eye strain but i cant figure out what's triggering it. :c i could have better lighting conditions at work but they just gave me a new bulb for my desk lamp which is way better...still they replaced all the ceiling lights as well and because they're all directional for the displays nearby, they can't point right at me or I'll be blinded, but pointing them away means there's not a lot of diffused light around my desk. Sigh.

They're supposed to move my station to a bigger space soon but we don't have a date on that because it requires moving some displays that are attached to the wall.

 

I have been overtired lately despite being better at going to bed overall and taking my meds regularly. :/ do not like.

Switched my work schedule to have Thurs-Friday off (Used to be Fri&Sun) and i don't know why i didn't do it earlier. Having 2 days in a row is way better. Also Sunday pay wooo.

This month is still...stupid money-wise, I'm waiting for my next paycheck and then just going to write my last payment & rent as 1 check bc i don't want a repeat of last time.

Yesterday was p good, i got a bunch of stuff done around the apartment. Still have a list tho...

Things:

-med refills on monday

-text landlord abt kitchen light

-look at apartments

-Check HSA & reimburse something

-work out a day to go to RMV

-make medical document for Aki
-email lawyer w inquiry/update


-check in to see if dentist got my xrays & make appt for filling

-call abt HSA card & increasing amt
-call insurance to explain benefits

 

Apparently "please be patient with me, I'm autistic" is now gamer speak for "lol i fucked up/you fucked up" and i want to strangle someone

In other news, i recently learned that the whole "pineapple on pizza" thing is a joke. As in people have been pretending to be mad about it the whole time? It's an entire internet in joke that went completely over my head? I legitimately thought people were that pissed off about food they didn't personally like. Poe's Law? I guess???

Objectively its funny but i just feel kinda shitty because it's not the first time Ive taken something completely seriously and end up looking like an idiot who can't read social cues (which i am i guess)

The trend of like. Saying something hyperbolic and then pretending to be serious when someone takes it seriously and gets angry, instead of explaining that it was a joke, is also kind of upsetting.

 

Really poor night of sleep for no discernable reason...ughguhh

I would sleep in a bit but i have to go pick up meds before work bc there's no time to do it after since the pharmacy closes

 

Brain screaming day

Mostly "why do you draw stuff no one but you cares about"

Most of my art gets maybe...5 notes, except if i draw fanart of actual characters which gets like 50-100

I get why but it doesn't feel any less shitty to look at the difference there

Usually I'm pretty good about not craving that validation too badly but. Bad day i guess.

 

Have sore throat...thankfully (??) Just that and a fever, not really any sinus bullshit (knock on wood) but even w painkillers and gargling salt water its hard to sleep

Its weird because its not SUPER painful but just enough that it's annoying and distracting x(

 

made many adulting phone calls >.<

conclusions:

-Insurance doesn't pay anything for psych visits until i hit my deductible so i just have to suck it up and pay out of pocket, they could not help me understand my benefits sheet myself and just told me to call for every single service i have a question about costs for (lol)

-HSA card was not activated despite website saying that it was, but hopefully that has been sorted now.

-health center is v helpful and said that i might qualify for financial assistance so i don't have to worry about the bill until they verify that for me (whew)

-despite me mailing it end of April, the check for mouthguard payment only got sent to financial services yesterday. I did everything right, they're just slow, nothing to worry about there.


things left to do:

-have to contact HR to change contribution amt from my paychecks, need to ask manager abt that

-when i get info about the bill, make appointment w financial counselor at health center to have them help me make a plan about it


Today:

-shower

-text landlord abt kitchen light and check amt

-sort/scan bills. match insurance claims w the bills themselves and file.

-plan for RMV visit

-aki medical stuff


Tomorrow:

-when paycheck goes thru, do budget math, write rent check. Reimburse some stuff.

-call dentist to follow up?

 

I forgot...how tiring it is to be sick

All i did today was eat, shower, make some phone calls, I've been up for maybe 6.5 hrs and had to go lay down from exhaustion

 

Got a lot less done than i wanted because i had to lie in bed a lot. Thankfully seem to be getting better now. Its weird to not feel a horrible sense of urgency abt getting better for work because i have...actual sick time.

Spoiler: Medical yelling

...may run out of anxiety meds this weekend bc i tried to refill monday, was told it wasnt ready yet, called yesterday and was told i dont *have* a refill and they need to contact my doc. If she's not in tomorrow i won't get any til Monday at the earliest. P sure this is because i was supposed to see her a few weeks ago and had to reschedule bc of the insurance fuckery. URGH.

Going to email her about that i think, at least so she knows whats going on and doesn't think i was avoiding her or sth. I still want to know whether or not i can get financial help for future appointments too >.<

It's not as bad as running out of the adhd meds in terms of my day to day functioning, probably, but...sigh. i can probably stretch out a smaller dose til monday or just take it twice a day or sth...


...small and petty screaming: i got a thing for plantar warts that cost me $12 and is the size of a chapstick tube and should not have left my bathroom but i CANT FIND IT ANYWHERE and im so frustrated. That shit isn't cheap and i dont want to give this fucker any time to bounce back on me. Aaaargh

 

Me: i would like to sleep

Brain: yeah about that

Brain: we've reviewed with the committee


Brain: the answer is "nah"

 

Spoiler: gender weirdness and terf bullshit

Sometimes i wish i could just talk to someone who has detransitioned for reasons that aren't "not enough support" but p much everyone I've seen is a TERF and I'm not keen on getting lectured about how I'm ~betraying womanhood~ or whatever. I just want to understand what's going on there, because it seems like there's a legitimate experience happening but it doesn't negate the experience of tons of trans people.

I saw someone going on about it in the notes of some post and she seemed to basically just be using the words "man" and "woman" the way we use "amab" and "afab" but was convinced that dysphoria, even her own, was just something that had to be lived with. It seems like a really shitty way to live imho but she can do what she wants, i guess? (She explicitly identified herself as "a woman with gender dysphoria" so I'm using female pronouns.)

From the outside it definitely looks like there's an intersection of "transitioning didn't make me cis so I'll never be happy if it's not perfect, I'll just SUFFER" with a side of "amab people are inherently evil". I keep thinking that there must be at least someone who doesn't buy into that rhetoric but i guess it could be that they just aren't as vocal. Without other evidence, though, it just seems like the experience of misogyny + dysphoria breeds a specific kind of nasty resentment in some cases.

ContraPoints did a good video breaking down TERF ideology but i don't remember her touching on the subject of detransitioned people at all.

It's just...so tiring to think about. Especially bc i am always remembering that so many nasty people are nasty because they're hurt and scared. I know it doesn't excuse them hurting other people but i still end up feeling sad about it.

A good friend of mine I've known since HS came out as trans years ago, and i don't feel like i need to deny her identity just because i disagree with her. It's been a while (we're both extremely adhd and only keep in touch sporadically) but early on i learned not to talk about feminism with her because she...didn't want to hear about the ways being viewed as female sucked. I kind of get it now--she comes out as a woman, we start including her in "girl talk", for lack of a better term, and suddenly she's hearing "being a woman sucks" when she just wants to celebrate being herself...it seemed like she had an idealized view of womanhood because it was what she always wanted, and here were afab people complaining about it, so i can see why it upset her. On the flip side she inadvertently invalidated a bunch of mine (and other friends') afab experiences so there were hurt feelings on both sides.

And yet, i didn't become a TERF and still respect her identity as a woman. Funny how that works.

Idk i am very solid in my nonbinary identity, but i am fine being grouped with other afab people in some ways as long as people aren't assuming I'm a "woman". Some detransitioned TERF language makes sense when i substitute "afab" for "woman" and "amab" for "man", in that yeah i agree that you can't change your agab. (Unless you're a time traveller.) The disagreement starts in that i don't believe your agab has to define literally everything about you, or is untouchably sacred in some way. I'm not fucking special for being born with a uterus--in fact i want to yeet mine into the stratosphere. I don't value it. It fucking sucks.

A lot of gender may be socially constructed, but it doesn't mean that it doesn't *matter*. Humans treat other humans differently based on a billion different perceptions and that impacts their behavior and how they grow up. I don't think there's a point in denying that, but ultimately what's wrong with being fucking nice??? Suffering for the sake of suffering isn't noble. If transitioning or being referred to as the gender in your head makes you happier, if it removes suffering from your life, then you should have it. If it doesn't, then don't do it. Why is this so hard for people??

 

Bad brains day

Wish i wasn't a doormat

Wish every time i try to not be a doormat i end up being rude or hurtful and so go back to being a doormat bc i can't seem to figure out what a middle ground looks like.

Nothing in particular happened i just started thinking back on stuff

I know boundaries are good an important but this is more like...I'm very easygoing in a lot of instances and I'm happy to accommodate people. But at a certain point of saturation i realize i don't ever expect people to accommodate for me in return because im just. Used to working around things. I don't know. This is vague. I'm not upset at anyone in particular im just tired.

Like there are things I just won't do. And I'll usually say that about those. But when it comes to making a choice that's not...super important and i feel similarly about both outcomes I'll usually let someone else choose if they feel stronger about it. And then over time i just. Have stopped being able to make choices like that because I'm so used to thinking "ill let someone who feels more strongly choose."

Idk. It seems good (I'm thoughtful! Courteous! Right?) until it's not and i don't really know where the line is. I'm probably downplaying my own feelings as well. Like i usually assume someone feels more strongly about it than I do so even if i do have a preference i don't consider my wants important unless it's a hard no.

Don't know if I'm making any sense.

Picking up my anxiety meds today finally. I've been down to 1 dose/day from the usual 3 to make them last. I honestly can't tell how much it's affected me or not, not like when i go off my ADHD meds and the difference is glaring. I've been feeling more...idk if anxious is the right word? But on edge overall for several months. Dunno if it's the meds or the money situation or what. So i was already kind of on a downswing. Been feeling more tired the past few weeks.

I did figure out that the eye twitch was probably because we've been using a standing lamp in the kitchen bc the ceiling fixture is broken. (landlord is supposed to get it fixed and i hope she just replaces it with an LED one because having a flourescent bulb in the kitchen is stupid, but the whole fixture would need to be replaced and she said she was going to try to fix it first -_-) basically im tall enough that walking by the lamp I'd get an eyeful of the bare lightbulb over the shade and once i started carefully turning my head away, the twitch decreased and eventually stopped.

 

There's still so much to do and I keep hitting a wall with my executive dysfunction and its so fucking stressful

I've made the same list like 5 times and still barely got anything on it done

Have to look for apartments and it's up in the air whether friend will be able to move in w us because she hasn't been able to find a job

Like she'd probably have better luck here but she needs funds to pay off her car and actually move with

I'm going to go write the rent check+ last payment to landlord tonight and that'll leave me with about $40 til next week (after utilities etc.) And then maybe. I can actually start saving money this month. And see if some of the stress lifts

I feel like i should probably go back to therapy but ironically...now that I'm making more money i can't afford it!!!!! thanks america