Adulting is Hard etc

Is this catastrophizing different from how I've been feeling the last few months and therefore because I'm off my meds? Or did pent up stress finally just overflow? We just don't know.

I mean, feeling like crying over mundane stuff in video games and then thoughts going down a long rambly path about how my feelings are never consideredand i dont stand up for myself: probably a bad sign

On the other hand i should probably have a cry because i haven't in a while

Im at work tho. Ffs.

Edit: what's weird is that work is basically the least stressful part of my life rn because it's straightforward and doesn't make me feel uncertain. To the point where i feel guilty about being at work because I'm not doing Important Things That Need To Be Done.

 

Hey it turns out my meds still work after all, considering the first day back on them i was about 15x more chill

Good to know

(Found the wart removal meds under a pile of mail in the front hallway??? Puzzled but relieved)

 

Today was...a thing. For sure.

I'm at work and Aki texts me around 2pm to say...our landlord's brother showed up with no warning or notice while they were in the shower to replace the kitchen light

Like

Fucking

Seriously

He just opens our door and walks in. And when he realizes Aki is in the fucking SHOWER, doesn't...y'know, apologize, or leave, he just goes in the kitchen and starts working. Also he didn't take his shoes off and tracked dirt all over the floor, and apparently he kept leaving to get something and LEAVING OUR FRONT DOOR OPEN. WHILE AKI WAS IN THE SHOWER.

Apparently he took 4 hours. I texted landlord as politely as possible to remind her that we legally need 24 hr notice and apparently she had no idea he was doing it, he just went ahead without telling her OR us. She apologized and said she'd speak with him. Aki is out of spoons and on edge bc they couldn't make food for hours AND have issues with people suddenly invading their space, especially strangers. (We sorta know him but it's not as if we're friends.)

The best part?

So i get home from work, clean the dirt he left on the floor, am relieved to see he actually replaced the old flourescent fixture with one that has normal lightbulbs, because i fucking hated having a flourescent light in the kitchen. However he put a plain glass lampshade on it, and i remembered i bought a similar one w a pretty flower pattern ages ago to put over the flourescent bulb. (It didnt fit. I kept it bc it was $10 and a pain to get back to home depot to return.) So I go to swap the lamp shades because in theory it should be very simple: you just unscrew the cap holding it in place and switch it out.

Well.

The movement from just unscrewing the lampshade shifts the fixture and something comes loose, i hear something fall into the lampshade from above. I take the shade off. It's a screw. The fixture was held up by two screws and now only one.

I turn off the light and get a flashlight out to figure out what the fuck is going on here and... he put the mount in a hole in the ceiling behind the plaster...it has a metal bar w screw holes in it to attach the fixture to. Except only one of the screws is screwed into that. The other screw was...screwed directly into the ceiling in a random spot because ???? So of course it got yanked right out of the plaster. At this point i have dinner in the oven and im screaming internally over everything, so i call my dad for advice because he offered to replace the fixture himself before.

I send him some photos of it and he tells me the metal bar should have another screw hole that's the CORRECT spot to put the second screw in, and it must be covered by the plaster ceiling. So i poke around and find it...easily, i might add...it was literally right at the edge of the hole...luckily i had a spare screw in my toolbox of random home improvement shit that fit it...i also fixed where one of the wires were attached because it was exposed. (Thankfully i had electrical tape.) So now the fixture is nice and securely on the ceiling! With a new lampshade! And i have to figure out how to not lose my shit while telling landlord that not only did her brother violate the lease by not giving notice, he did a shitty-ass job that i had to fix myself (like hell Id want him to come back and do it) AND it could have been a fire hazard.

The only pro is that we finally have a kitchen light again which hopefully means i can stop having eye strain DX

 

my favourite parts of this whole thing were:

1. I had a very specific phobia of someone coming into our apartment while I'm showering. It's always in the back of my mind what I'd do if I was in that situation while I'm showering. ITS NOT A PHOBIA ANYMORE.
2. I stop my shower half way through because I hear the door bang open. I put just a towel on and poke my head out and say "can I fucking help you???"
3. Landlord's brother is like "Oh it's just me, I'm here to fix the light" while staring at me in just a towel at the bathroom door.
4. I'm like "yo, dude, you come in while i'm in the shower, I'm just checking to see if you're a burglar" and he fucking replies with, wait for it:
5. "YEAH, A BURGLAR WITH A KEY TO YOUR PLACE." He then proceeded to not fuck off, and left the front door open while he went back and forth to fix the light.

MY MAN, THAT JUST MAKES IT WORSE BECAUSE NOW I KNOW YOU CAN JUST COME IN WHENEVER YOU WANT. WHILE IM SLEEPING OR AT WORK OR SHOWERING AGAIN AND NOW I FEEL UNSAFE. JFC.

 

Landlord apologized again and said she spoke to him and he knows not to do it again but now i just am putting the chain on the door at night because :/

...also its nearly 4am and i haven't been able to fall asleep bc gas pain and now im. Hungry. Meaning i really won't be able to fall asleep until i eat something. Arrrrrgh

 

Ate a thing, took gas meds, fell asleep almost instantly...lol...only got like 5.5 hrs tho so im a little grumpy x.x hopefully i can sleep better tonight...

We sent some requests to look at apartments this week. Will see how it goes. >.<

 

looking at two apartments tomorrow and also errands....AHHHHH

sleepy

another TMJ flareup, need to remember to take painkillers bf bed

 

we found a great apartment but ofc when i went to my parents about being cosigners they nitpicked EVERYTHING and im just

tired

i'm going to be 30 next week

just applied for my first credit card.

I DON'T HAVE A CREDIT SCORE BECAUSE THEY DISCOURAGED ME FROM GETTING A CARD BECAUSE I MIGHT MISUSE IT

AND NOW I CAN'T GET AN APARTMENT WITHOUT THEM COSIGNING AND THEY KNOW THIS

they don't even have to pay for anything or fucking set foot in the place and they're giving me shit about it

hey when will this be over. when can i finally stop relying on them so i REALLY don't have to give a shit about what they think anymore

 

"ohh why aren't you independent" MAYBE BECAUSE YOU CRITICIZE AND BELITTLE AND QUESTION EVERY SINGLE. FUCKING. DECISION I MAKE. IT TURNS OUT THAT MAYBE TEACHES A KID THAT MAKING DECISIONS IS BAD

i don't know what we're going to do

i'm probably freaking out more because i have my fucking period for SOME REASON

incredible how being treated as competent at work was novel and made me feel UNCOMFORTABLE

I just feel like punching myself repeatedly in the face

 

trying to work things out but not really in the brainspace to talk about it yet

i remember how much i hate having Hormones tho

 

On top of everything else, it just...sucks that i know PMS fucks with my emotions so i feel like im making a big deal out of nothing whenever i get upset and it's like "oh well i guess that's why" Like i know its not good to let that reinforce my whole...habit of downplaying my own emotions but. I don't know.

I was talking to Aki about it and i think that in addition to that it sets off my dysphoria and i just get stuck in a feedback loop of "i feel bad ->i feel bad because of the body parts i hate having-> now i feel worse bc I'm thinking about them"

Spoiler: The whole apartment thing

I'm still pretty overwhelmed by this and don't really know what to do

-I don't want to stay in this place another year for various reasons (the lack of natural light from living in a basement is getting to both of us. Landlord may raise the rent again. We both need some space to ourselves sometimes and there isn't enough for that. Another summer & winter with poorly insulated windows. Screaming college students partying next door til 2am. The landlord jacking up the heat in the winter makes our food mold faster, has actually ruined some of Aki's art supplies, and fucks w their autonomic dysfunction and makes them faint)

-we really want friend (M) to come up here and move in w/ us for all of our well-beings (she wants to go to school nearby, she has a shitty-ass abusive sister she wants to get away from, her parents are nice but their house is a mess, she'd be able to get better healthcare here, she has a car so we wouldn't have to keep borrowing one, we can support each other)

-the housing market here is a fucking mess. (3rd worst in the country) Most 3 bedrooms near public transportation are actually 2 bedrooms w the living room converted into a bedroom, so no common area. This is because students were doing this to get around the absurdly high rent, landlords caught on and started using it to jack up prices even more.

-therefore the fact that we found an actual 3 bed for the same price as all the "2 bedroom splits" is a miracle and only because the place i found it is an area most students don't look

-if Aki and i were to ditch our friend and get a 2 bedroom because we definitely want to move anyway, the likelihood that we could find something that doesn't cost $1000 each minimum is next to nothing. With friend the place we were looking at would be $800/person before utilities. (Yeah, that's as good as it gets around here, which is horrifying, but reality.)

-cons: friend is not currently employed, has been doing Uber but not consistently bc there isn't a lot of demand where she lives. Has been working w a job agency but they haven't found anything for her in months. (The few times the position was filled immediately by someone else or the client canceled). There are so many places hiring here and she's sending her resume to them but she can't do anything definitive without having an address/move in date

-she has good credit but also student loans & a car loan. Her parents have worse credit than she does and can't cosign for her. We (mostly Aki, i would but i literally don't have the money yet) are willing to help her w the costs of moving/getting settled since getting an actual job here would be much easier.

-when i talked to my parents about the place we found, they said they would lend me the money i needed to move (i would pay them back asap, i am getting 3 paychecks in August but i don't have it right now in order to close on a place, and the market is so competitive that waiting till August is a terrible idea) and cosign for me (like i have a choice) BUT their requirement was that the lease is a split lease. They refused to even consider "being responsible" for friend even tho i promised that if something went wrong i would take responsibility. They want the landlord to sign 3 different leases with each of us instead of us all signing the same lease.

-i understand their stance from a legal standpoint but right now I would rather take the chance that friend somehow ditches us and have to deal with that than DEFINITELY having to pay an absurd amount of money for a place for just Aki and i.

-rooming w/ a stranger is out of the question for both of us. (Too much to go in to there)

-the likelihood that friend will get approved for a lease by herself without steady income despite her credit score without a co signer is extremely low. We were advised to apply anyway but i dont have high hopes.

-the next options would be 1. Stay another year, build credit & savings, hope that friend finds a job down there and is able to save money while paying off her loans and reapply to school for next year instead. (See above about why we don't want to stay...) or 2. Move to a slightly larger place just the two of us, friend does all that, then move AGAIN the following year to a place for the 3 of us (fucking exhausting)


All that aside, basically what happened was the two of us went to see this place, it was super nice and had very few downsides (free parking, close to train, lots of space/windows, quiet/safe neighborhood) the biggest ones being no on site laundry, and its next to a highway. But car noise doesn't bother us and if we have a car we could just go to a laundromat, and there is actually a laundry hookup in the place, just no machines. (So we could get our own machines at some pt. Or one of those mini ones for like $150.)

The place was honestly great and we were excited about it and had high hopes. Then i go home & call my parents about it. Talked to my dad first. He asked a bunch of questions about the place and it felt like he kept challenging everything about it. Then my mom got on the phone and i had to explain everything again, and SHE did the same thing but more openly critical. "Isn't the commute really long?" (Its the same as my current one, who cares) "you'll have to borrow a car to do laundry! Why would you want that!!" Etc etc. About every little feature. I got agitated. I'm pretty sure i yelled a bit, but i tried to calm down and tell them that i am nearly 30 and this would be my 4th apartment and i DO in fact know what I'm looking for and where i need to compromise. Then they pull out the thing about the split lease.

By the time i got off the phone my mood had tanked and all the hopefulness I'd felt in the morning had been replaced by dread. I tried talking things over w/ Aki to figure out what to do. I tried thinking about the stuff i learned in therapy to break down my reaction. (It all comes back to helplessness. Feeling like everything i do will never be good enough for them.)

Next day we were going to go to the RMV to renew our IDs (aki's expired and mine will on my bday) and i was going to drop my dad's car off at his office (I'd borrowed it for errands and take the train a few stops from there. Then my mom calls and says she has a flat tire and needs to switch and take my dad's car because she wants to go down to the summer house and can't drive more than 100 miles on the temp replacement. She wants me to meet her at the dentist bc she's taking my elderly great aunt there for an appointment. I do that. She's late. She also forgot the correct time so she had to reschedule the appointment and while she was doing that i had to move her stuff over to dad's car, wait for her to finish so my great aunt with dementia wouldn't be alone in the car, drive back and pick Aki up, drive to parents house to drop her car off (instead of my dad's office which is closer) get stuck in an ungodly amt of traffic, grab the bus to the RMV, bus gets stuck in traffic, and by the time we get there it's 1/2 hour before closing and the wait time is 3.5 hrs and they turn us away.

So im kind of pissed at my mom for that too. Because the next time i can go is after my license is already expired, next thursday.

I spoke to my dad again and apologized for yelling at the over the phone before and he...apparently...didn't notice??? That i had been upset?? Didn't even register that i was pissed at them?? I don't even know. So basically i feel crazier than before. He claimed they weren't "challenging" my answers, they just wanted to make sure i had them. Maybe that's what HE was doing, but whenever my mom asked something and i gave an answer she'd keep picking and picking at it like it wasn't enough, or move on to the next question without actually acknowledging my answer. Dad wouldn't budge about the lease even when i said I'd take complete financial responsibility and just told us to try applying as is and hope the landlord is flexible. Sure. Ok.

Meanwhile im exhausted all the time, probably because period, but i keep waking up after 6-7 hrs for no discernible reason. Mostly i just want to go out into the woods and scream or something.

 

Explains why some digestive issues flared up again and why I'm so incredibly tired

The only upside is that I'm not bleeding much


At this point we're trying to find a bunch of 2 & 3 bedroom places w similar price points so i can be like "we may as well get a 3 bed because it costs the same" any maybe that'll work. X.x

The craziest thing is that they are basically around the same price.

 

So tired of being tired...

My meds don't really wake me up anymore, i just spend the day feeling like i could take a nap anytime. Its making it really hard to get up and then i take forever to get ready because i cant process anything. And now there's construction going on on our building starting at 6 fucking am. Urgh...

Birthday is on Wed. Don't feel like it's anything special but we're going to the local Japanese bakery for treats at least.

 

Keep going back and forth between "im a spoiled brat, i shouldn't complain or expect anything" and "this economy sucks and i only just found a job that sort of supports me 9 months ago and started out in debt to several people because of long lasting mental health issues, the least my parents who collectively make over $300k/year can do is give me a little help with a goddamn apartment until i can get on my feet again, I'm even going to be PAYING THEM BACK tho i could really use the money, i can't even afford to start a 401k right now and my mom even lectured me about it" :')

Nope i just get told to ~try harder to find a place without a broker fee~ when housing prices here have gone up 20% since last year alone. 2 beds are like $1750 at min, 3 beds in really obscure places can be around $2k, otherwise they're $2400 and up. At this point if we had the money we'd be better off just getting a fucking house and paying the mortgage. But lol...need car first

It's not like applying for low income/rent controlled housing is even worth it because the wait list is over 10 years long. Just pay half your monthly full time paycheck in rent. That's normal. That's life.

I did the math and i don't even hit 30k/year even now. Lol.

Thats reminds me to check if i got a raise at all, though. I got a good review at least.

Edit: 25c...its something. Extra $15-20 a paycheck.

 

I was a tiny bit more alert today despite being a couple hours short on sleep so I'm hoping that means the exhaustion is in fact hormone-related and will go away. :/

We found a couple places but one went off the market and the other the landlord or whoever was weirdly aggressive when i called (wouldn't let me schedule a viewing without telling him all three of our incomes/credit scores which i obviously did not have off the top of my head???) So i got a bad vibe from that. The original place we were looking at is still up and the realtor keeps asking if we're interested and im just...argh...i would love it...i guess at this point there's nothing to lost by applying??? I just dont see how my parents are going to agree to it.

 

Finally get to RMV at a reasonable time. It was still hell.

>employee handing out tickets looks at the paperwork i printed out from starting my license renewal online. Gives me a #.

>i wait till my number is called. Lady can't find my application. Turns out online applications expire within 60 days and I'm almost a week over that deadline.

>have to go back and get another number and fill out a new application manually.

>as I'm waiting a second time, Aki comes out from getting their ID renewed and hands me our lease and says it's not a signed copy so it's not valid

>I have NO IDEA WHY WE HAVE AN UNSIGNED COPY OF OUR LEASE? I KIND OF ASSUMED IT WOULD BE SIGNED? WHAT HAPPENED TO THE SIGNED COPY OF OUR LEASE? These are questions for another time because now I'm like

>i am now down one proof off address (i have a copy of an electric bill printed out) so i frantically try to pull up my internet bill on my phone and have to reset my password bc its written down at home

>number gets called. Lady tells me she needs a printed copy, sends me out to use the computer they have there to print it. (Thankfully she doesn't make me get back at the end of the line).

>the printer isnt working. Have to go around the corner to ANOTHER computer and sign in there instead. Print out internet bill.

>go back. Apparently the address i live at (Apartment # "A") is not on either of my bills. Electric bill says "Apartment #BSS". Internet bill says "Apartment #4". I vaguely remember these things from moving in two years ago. (It's a basement apartment. The ones above us are #1, #2, and #3. I don't fucking know why the internet/electric companies have different things on record??) But anyway since the addresses don't match neither of the bills are valid proof of address.

>end up paying $50 for a regular license renewal bc they could at least do that with just my birth certificate. I'm going to have to come back hopefully after i move to get the Real ID or w.e it's called and pay for it again. (I can't really afford to wait and not have a valid ID/license and the next time I'd be able to go in with documents that work would be next week. I was just like "fuck it i can't even care about the money rn")

The employees were very nice and i know they have to deal w beaurocratic billshit every day I'm just so...mentally exhausted? I thought i was prepared and then it turns out that the place i live has fucked me over yet again. WHEN CAN I LEAVE...

Have to figure out where the FUCK the signed lease went when i get home x____x (i still don't understand why an unsigned copy even EXISTS, I put it in a drawer when we moved in with the INTENTION of being able to find it easily and I'm just baffled that I would miss something like that??)

Thankfully Aki got their ID renewed just fine, we thought theirs would be more trouble bc adoption bullshit but they ended up being more prepared than i was and brought a bunch of extra documents just in case. (apparently a bunch of people came by to marvel at their birth cert. bc they'd never seen an adoptee's birth cert. before....tbf it is WEIRD. It looks like a piece of paper with a rubber stamp mark on it and not like any kind of official document. It doesn't even have a watermark??)

Bro called me for my birthday and gave me some advice abt the apartment nonsense...friend may be able to give a letter saying their starting a job when they get here as proof of income, or offer an extra month's rent up front. So...we're going to try to work something out...

 

Adoptees born in America actually have less basic rights than a non-adopted person born in America :') We are second rate citizens. I'm gonna have to deal with this my whole life and it is NOT WORTH IT.

 

Trying to sort things out...

Today:
-call about apartment on lunch break
-buy milk on the way home

I feel like there's something else but i forget...


Looked into how best to build my credit score, all i could find was not to spend more than 30% of my limit, but nothing about the best minimum amount...hrm. not sure if it would be better to put both utility bills on the card or just one?

 

We're both so burnt out, i wish we could move ASAP but at the same time financially its...ugh

Unsurprisingly all the problems come back to money

So many problems would be solved...with money

I wish my friend who commissioned me would get back to me, I'd be throwing myself into that project for the rest of the money, she was even nice enough to give me half in advance last year bc i was in a shitty spot financially. But she's also flaky as hell so i keep saying "let's get together so i can take measurements, when are you free?" And she doesn't respond...(i mean its her money...i dont get why she's not more on top of things but that's how she's always been...)

 

Like at this point I'd be willing to take out a loan to move with. Just to make things easier. Can slap down the money up front and not have to ask parents for it. Lend friend a little maybe until she gets on her feet up here. But you know what i don't have.

Credit. :))))