Adulting is Hard etc

Me at 12am: my Adderall wore off so I'm going to cut the sleeves off all of my shirts


...but really tho. It's a catch-22: stimulants sort my brain out but keep me awake. Therefore when they wear off at night my impulse control tanks again and i end up making bad decisions like staying up til 4am. I should probably not have my phone by my bed but i need the alarms to wake up...i just get bored trying to fall asleep. It's not that I'm not tired, even. But tbf when i was younger i would either read until i was too physically exhausted to keep my eyes open, or I'd lie there making up elaborate stories in my head...

It also makes it really hard to put aside something im doing/decided to do and go to bed. urgh. I know the answer is "don't start something then" but y'know...impulse control...

I might try playing the KH mobile game again bc for some reason i seem to get tired doing that more easily than scrolling tumblr or w.e...

Maybe music??? I should find some headphones i can wear lying down
...

 

Spoiler: Notes for self

For contacting realtor:

-ask if i just put my info in the application now and they'll ask for co signer later or what

-let them know about friend moving up here etc


-check that email tonite

 

Eye twitch is still happening periodically but at least it's not as bad...i think the lighting setup at work needs adjusting...


Sent apartment application w offer of friend paying an extra month rent until she can get a job here. Apparently her credit is like just under 700 so hopefully thats a pt in her favor. We're keeping an eye out for other places still, crossing fingers.

Realtor is coming to look at our current place tomorrow so gotta do some cleaning.

I think dentist called back & finally got my xrays so gotta check on that to make an appointment for my fillings...

Credit card is less scary than expected. I used it for a couple things to get over the minimum and then just paid it off (can do it right on my banking app) so just need to keep that up and not go crazy w it. Going to put in a calendar alarm to check on the balance each month. My credit union is good tho, there's no fees or anything, i just need to use $25/mo and make sure to pay it off. At least since i don't *need* it for anything but emergencies i should be able to use it just to build my credit score.

There was something else i needed to do but i forgot...

 

Realtor was supposed to come see our current apt and i guess take pictures. noon-1. landlord then told us he was late and it would be 2:30. Then cancelled and rescheduled for tomorrow. So basically we wasted 3 hrs doing not much of anything bc we were waiting and couldn't make a mess. Urgh. I need to go out to the pharmacy and I would have done it earlier but I didn't want to leave Aki alone w/ a stranger stomping around our space bc it's distressing for them.

was working on the yoga mat bags I'm making and somehow...the lining of a couple of them got sewing machine grease on them in spots...i couldn't wash it out entirely...really annoyed. I cleaned the shaft/around the foot/anything the fabric could have touched and it happened AGAIN. I guess because the lining bunches up when i have to sew down the length of a long tube (lapped seam for sturdiness) but because the outside fabric is stiffer it's less likely to get dirty...

I feel bad that I can't clean it and i guess it's not that obvious bc it's the lining, and also a white lining is bound to get dirty anyway...but I was just working w what i had on hand...frustrated. Also annoyed bc now i have to wait for the one i washed to dry before i can finish it.

the only solution i can think of is to make some kind of barrier around the back of the shaft temporarily. pain in the ass.

 

Wish i had a way to filter shit on twitter like tumblr savior does

Like i know you can block hashtags or w.e but that's not what i mean

I like that its easy to use on mobile and easy to post art but i hate the random shit that gets shoved at me constantly

Meh

Im tired and not very coherent and kind of on edge from the whole. Apartment uncertainty so

I'm hoping two days away will help clear my head a bit but

My dad randomly tells me that my cousin (on his side) will be in the area and might go hiking with us

1. I kinda thought/hoped it would be just the 2 of us bc the point was it was for our birthdays

2. This cousin is one of the older ones (my dad is the youngest of 5 so my cousins have kids my age) and he's a married businessman and kind of obnoxious like. The sort of person who posts on facebook "$15 min wage? Why stop there?? Why not just raise it to $500????" like fuck you buddy i made $12hr for several years and couldn't make rent w.o help

So yeah im kinda sorta hoping he doesn't come bc being around him would not be relaxing

Honestly still proud of the fact that i beat his ass playing boggle when i was like 13 and he was a grown-ass man. My dad still doesn't let him live it down.

Anyway...he's kind of a douche. RESOUNDING MEH

Spoiler: Stupid fandom griping

Twitter just keeps exposing me to random people w really obnoxious opinions

"Don't you dare think about anything sexual unvolving these fictional 16-year-olds who should, by the course the plot has taken, be legal adults by now but because of resource issues the devs haven't updated their character models. Aging them up to ship with them is also bad and nasty!!"

Me: /eyes roll out of my head

Like i am personally uncomfortable with the most popular ships involving these characters being pairing them with people 10+ years older than them as teenagers but im p sure that's not what's being criticized here

You're allowed to ship 16 year olds, its not a sin

Coupled w the FF7 Tifa boobs discourse (HILARIOUS) and the uproar over Evangelion on Netflix (less hilarious and more disappointing and annoying) im just like. Will fandom ever find any chill. Probably not

 

Spoiler: More dumb fandom shit

I'm not quite as invested in Alisaie as a character as Aki is (I like her and all she's just not my personal focus) but even i can tell that barely anyone understands her personality for some reason

Someone keeps drawing these weird cutesy comics where she demands/requests various forms of physical affection from Y'shtola of all people and it's just...downright bizarre. Its more like Lyse possessesing Alisaie's body or something lol

Also no one fucking gets Y'shtola either and it annoys me, she gets put on this weird annoying waifu pedestal and im like. No. She's someone with a fuckton of composure that is secretly kind of a little shit. She's definitely going to grow up tp be a cranky old lady living in a cave just like Matoya. She has really bad hubris and just does...super reckless shit all the time because she thinks she's hot shit, except no one realizes that she's kind of fucking crazy because she's quiet. Like she's literally DRAINING HER OWN LIFEFORCE to be able to see because she used a forbidden spell and just. Casually doesn't mention it to any of her friends.

Don't get me wrong i love her but i feel like people need to appreciate what a disaster she is more.

 

Good news is my dad is terrible at explaining and what he meant was we were going to visit my aunt briefly because she lives in the area we're going to, so it's not that anyone is going hiking *with* us.

 

I will admit this: businesscousin has very cute kids. They were really jetlagged and shy so they took a while to warm up to strangers (me & then my dad who they haven't seen in a few years) but my dad had brought them presents so that perked them up eventually lol

...awkward bc i don't know if this side of the family knows I'm queer though, so trying to...avoid the subject...

 

My legs are so sore...i probably hiked a total of 6-7miles after not doing it for years...oof. and there were some steep inclines and rock scrambling. Beautiful mountain but my body is v displeased w me.

 

Me: that sure is some self-destructive rumination we're doing

Brain: ye

Me: so...can we redirect it maybe...try to think about something else? Maybe eat lunch?

Brain: .......

Brain: ................

Brain: NO!!!!!

Me: can you just fucking chill, i know we're unmedicated rn and it sucks

Brain: *incoherent screaming*

 

Related: basically i went to pick up my Adderall on Thursday and apparently they needed a new script from my doc. Pharmacy requested it. Pharmacy is closed over the weekend. Still have not gotten notification by Monday. Go in this morning before work, pharmacist tells me they still don't have it and i should call their refill line to check they got the request bc they're backed up.

I go to work. Take out my phone to make the call. Got a text from the pharmacy saying my meds are ready. Can't pick them up til tomorrow bc they close at 7pm and I work until 7pm.

/drags hands down face

I had extra short release so i took 20mg dose over the weekend (my usual dose is 30mg LR once/day+5mg short release twice/day for a small boost) and that worked well enough for hiking, but I'm now back at work and my brain keeps screaming and running in circles over stupid twitter shit while I'm trying to focus. (I only took 5mg this morning because i thought...I'd be able to pick it up....hrgghghf)

I recently learned that this is basically not anxiety but my understimulated brain trying to occupy itself and its so. fucking. ANNOYING. Like i sort of knew but have been reading stuff from other ADHD people about emotional dysregulation or w/e and man.

So it's like:

Me: *trying to sew some jacket sleeves*

Brain: and anyway it sucks that these people make most of the fan content for [subject] but clearly don't understand the canon!

Me: ...yeah...so...what am i supposed to do about it.

Brain: MAKE A PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE POST WITH SCREENSHOTS FROM THE GAME SHOWING THAT YOU'RE RIGHT

Me: ...n....no...how about no. I should just put them on ignore

Brain: but then you can't see the art

Me: ...

Brain: how about write a rant about it

Me: no?? That makes me look weird and obsessive and anyway I've already written like 3 rants on the subject

Brain: ANGER IS STILL PREFERRABLE TO BOREDOM

Me: I'M TRYING TO WORK AND MAKE MONEY RIGHT NOW

 

Anyway my current solutions are:

-post about it on Kintsugi
-take early lunch and hope food helps

 

Do not need this emotional whiplash rn. Need to sleep.

We got approved for the apartment but suddenly two problems popped up:

-due to a miscommunication friend thought we wouldn't have to pay anything for apartment til end of August and her mom freaked out when she asked for help w the deposit now

(Aki and i had verbally told the realtor we'd be interested in starting the lease in august so we could move in gradually over the month but apparently the paperwork he sent us still said sept 1 and friend therefore assumed sept 1 but also somehow didn't realize you have to pay money...to secure the place ahead of time...i don't...know. i need to confirm the date tomorrow. )

-the place does not allow pets. We told the realtor we don't have pets because friend's cats are ESA approved & she has the documentation so we were going to present it to the landlord after signing to prevent problems. It turns out there's an exception in the law where if the building has only two units then the landlord doesn't have to comply (?!?) We're 90% sure it's only two units...(its a house and there are windows on the third floor but it looks just like a small attic??)

Im just


(screaming)


We're going talk to the realtor in person tomorrow...i think he's expecting us to sign but like. Ughhhfh /drags hands down face

Also im waking up in 5 hrs for Shadowbringers early access. RIP

Oh yeah and then current landlord texted us at 10pm asking if she could show the place at 1pm tomorrow

That is NOT 24 HR NOTICE

 

Video games: awesome

RL: full of the usual bullshit

I had my usual morning alarms turned off over the weekend for my "vacation" and of course forgot to turn them back on. Missed a psych appointment. Going in to work for a few hours today because it honestly will keep me from going insane from stress. (Weird, i know)

Today:

-talk to realtor
-reschedule doc appointment
-rent check

This week:

-Somehow obtain laundry quarters
-tackle the rest of the dishes in the sink
-finish putting away clothes
-box up winter clothes & coats for moving

 

Basically we got almost to the lease signing and then suddenly my dad refused to cosign for me because the realtor/landlord wanted him to sign a joint lease instead of a split one. He only wants to be responsible for my 3rd because he doesn't know the friend thats moving in w us and therefore doesn't trust her. I get that but at the same time it's really fucking frustrating because the reason i have no credit history at age 30 is because my parents!!! actively discouraged me from getting a credit card!!!! And never taught me that i would need years of credit history in order to live on my own!! I learned it from TUMBLR.

so, i have to call the realtor. We're probably losing the place though because they're not going to let me sign on my own, so. Going to have to keep looking even tho the chance of finding something else in our price range that isn't absolute shit is really slim. I'm not going to give up yet, just....hurgh.

I mean

-3 bed, max $800/person, near train, not secretly a 2 bedroom with the living room converted into a bedroom in order to exploit poor college students, is a tall order around here even without trying to find something that allows pets (friend's cats are ESAs but it would be nice for her not to have to pull that card on a no pets allowed landlord, we will if we need to...).

 

Needed a haircut & feel much better for it but i fucked up the back of it...going to have to ask for help fixing it...thankfully i sit w my back against a wall at work lolol

Apartment prospects are...shit, honestly. Most places ask for 4x 1st months as a deposit (first/last/security/realtor fee) & i don't think friend has the money for that AND and offer of a second month's rent to make up for no proof of income. On top of which it does not look good to have to ask up front if the lease is split and THEN come out w that. I'm trying in hopes I'll find something but...urgh. I'm just...so fucking frustrated. There's too many factors to keep track of. Still pissed at my parents about this, my MOM was more apologetic about it than my dad was. But apologies aren't going to help get a place. It's not a good market for tenants, as demonstrated: demand is so high that no one's going to be wanting to accommodate that pickiness. I'm also annoyed that my dad lectured me about paying a realtor fee as if i have any fucking choice, like there's any no fee apartments that fit the bill anymore. They're just ridiculously out of touch, the market is worse than just 2 years ago, i never had people asking me straight up for credit references before i even get to SEE the place before.

I don't know what to do. I'm still looking and contacting people but it feels hopeless.

 

Pronouns...are suffering...

I've become less...ok w/ she pronouns as secondary out of necessity. Like more than anything i would rather not call attention to myself re: gender. Like i could probably come out at work safely?? But i don't want to have to be the one that has to Explain Non Binary to everyone and just...it would be so awkward. Plus people would have to switch pronouns for me anyway when talking to customers or they'll get confused.

Like somehow being misgendered is more bearable than having attention put on me for it. Dunno.

I'm usually kind of w.e about people i know doing it. Sometimes it makes me feel shitty but it passes quickly, usually i just don't care, or it's a very slight negative feeling (people using 'they' for me correctly always elicits a neutral-positive) What makes me the most uncomfortable is the physical stuff and people assuming things about me bc of it. It's hard to explain but.

I'm so conflict-avoidant still...or not conflicts exactly but asserting my wants/needs if i think it might inconvenience someone else even slightly. I know i *should* insist on they pronouns only if everything else makes me uncomfortable but doing that feels like it would be worse. It's terrifying honestly. But i can't really blame anyone around me if i haven't made my feelings clear.

I think the one actual exception is that when I'm playing FFXIV i don't care so much since there's sort of that blurred line between player and their character, so i don't mind being referred to as [character's gender]. Like even if people aren't talking about in character stuff, there's still a layer of separation.

I'm going to...try to work up the courage to start asking for it i guess. Hurgh.

Keep thinking about top surgery at odd moments. A lot of "ah, I'd probably survive without it" and then feeling worse for w.e reason and going "actually no...pls get rid of them"

Someday. When i have money.

 

It's time for boredom-induced insomnia again

Im exhausted but i keep trying to sleep and then end up picking up my phone every 5 mins bc brain wont shut up and im

So


BORED

Also this always seems to happen on the nights aki has to get up early for work and the door to our room is squeaky and i get restless and have to get up tp gp to the bathroom...i think i woke them up a few times >.<

Why cant i fall asleep like a normal person

 

Going to be just under 100F this weekend and i have to work...at least there's AC in the building. But the train station where i switch trains is always absurdly hot and stuffy and not...lookin forward to that at all...hurgh.

Apartment hunt still...going. it's making me not look forward to my days off because I'm feeling that "can't juggle all these responsibilities" pressure and...i just...im so tired of feeling like I'm only scraping by.

 

Am hanging in there. Just needed to yell.