Adulting is Hard etc

i hate that im a pushover in person and my "must be nonthreatening and not argue or contradict this person" training kicks in

i asked how long the meds would take to work and she said several weeks and i really wanted to be like "can i just try the stimulants to see if they work right away or not" but i was afraid I'd sound like. idk. like someone who was going to abuse drugs? and I should ahve asked her to check my history for wellbutrin because it sounded familiar. but i was too nervous and she sounded so sure.

 

Once again too many thing to do, brain is overwhelmed by concept of too many thing, cannot sort shit well enough to do just one thing.

 

Attempt to make list again:

-taxes. No hard time limit on this one bc I'm past the deadline anyway. And I make shit all so I probably don't owe anything.

-compose email to psychiatrist explaining that I want my medical record checked before I try a med I may have already tried

-figure out who to call about getting bc renewed/or if I have an appointment already and just forgot it

-do homework

-finish coloring portfolio pieces from last term

-clean up resume

-try not to drown in self loathing

-figure out which clothes still smell bad from my gross moldy dresser incident and look up ways to get the smell out
-try to tidy up room before landlord comes to put the ac units in the windows

 

Hanging in there

Didn't REALLY get any of my list done...aside from tidying my room. I guess that's something.

I tried a wash w white vinegar to get rid of mold smell and it...sorta worked? I guess I should add more? I have to go thru my dresser again...

Checked the spot where the mold was but it hasn't come back. Yet my clothes are still musty and it feels like more of them than before. Beugh.

Forget if I mentioned this but downstairs neighbors smoke SO MUCH POT and even tho the landlord told them to just frigging go outside w it (because the building is made of wood and has a no smoking policy) they can't manage this. So it comes up through the old vents and I can smell it. I hate it. It makes me queasy.

I may just wait until my next psych appt which is the 21st. Ugh. I mean I'm going to keep trying to write that email but. Haven't touched the meds. I went to the pharmacy but their records only go back a few years so they can't tell me if I've taken these meds before or what.

A little more energetic than I have been. Ran out of the birth control and haven't been on it for like...3 weeks? Partner thinks it may have triggered depression symptoms bc it can...do that. Sigh. I was looking forward to No Period.

Trying to take vitamins/digestive meds consistently. Idc if the vitamins are placebo or not, if it works it works.

 

Landlord is apparently pressuring my roommate to ask me to give him a yes or no if im staying next year.

idfgi he can't contact ME personally, it's not like he doesn't have my info?

I just feel...trapped. I know it's almost July.

Pros of staying: don't have to pack up and move all my stuff again. Roommates are pretty nice. Large kitchen, in house washer and dryer. Landlord provides AC units.

Cons: I don't know what I'm doing once I'm done w school in a few weeks. Partner may get a job within the next few months. Want to move somewhere with them ASAP. Room is small. Barely enough room for my stuff. One roommate has weird ideas about cleanliness. Nowhere to cut fabric; room is too small, living room floor is dirty and I have no spoons for upkeep usually. (and roommates either too busy or not interested in cleaning.)

I don't know what to do. I'll probably end up staying but i keep being worried I'll regret it. But i dont have the time or energy to look for a new place AGAIN.

 

still in med limbo. ended up saying yes to staying in apartment because i can't even think about finding a new place and moving again rn.

a lot of my clothes still smell like mildew after MULTIPLE WASHES and it's frustrating, they're not discolored or worn out, i dont want to throw them out and i cant afford so many new clothes. I tried washing them w vinegar like everything on the internet said and it didnt work. and i checked my dresser for more mold and its clean. they just. smell. I dont think anyone near me can smell it, but i can if i hold them up to my nose.

/lies on the floor and stares at the ceiling

not literally...but that's p much my mood right now.

Class ended on Mon. I did finish my final project...the physical part anyway. I never did any written homework responses, nor did I do the writeup that was supposed to go with the project.

Prof said I could turn it in by Wed. (today) I spent tuesday cleaning my apartment and dicking around mindlessly on a low-level alt in my game because my brain was just. fried. Cleaning helps, or rather, the state of space being Clean after cleaning calms me down a lot.

today i went on an outing that I agreed to ahead of time before knowing my work wouldn't be done. it was probably irresponsible but i dont really regret it that much because once i got home I wasn't able to get any fucking work done anyway, ive been trying and trying but nothing HAPPENS

ADHD makes me feel so fucking useless, I can DO THINGS, I know I can, I did some screenshot edits and html coding for my tumblr after giving up on the homework in frustration, i just cant do the stuff I'm SUPPOSED TO that MATTERS but if i can do other stuff then that means im just lazy. I SHOULD be able to do what I'm supposed to. i know my prof gave me a B- last term out of pity, she's really too nice and I keep giving her excuses about how difficult my life is and its fucking humiliating. my roommate drama is over i should be able to do this. but when i try to formulate ideas for my homework i just. blank out. no matter what i do nothing happens. I tried listening to music and everything.

in med land, i went back to the psychiatrist and explained I wasn't sure if id taken welbutrin before because it sounded really familiar. again she said "I haven't read your medical records, theyre too long". ok i FUCKING KNOW THEYRE LONG im 27 but do you think you could just check somehow, jesus christ, it's your FUCKING JOB. I need to order them for myself and read them. my memories of like age 17-23 are fuzzy because i was so damn depressed all the time.

I mean, it's not like this is the first time a doctor hasn't read my records and given me something im allergic to, thankfully never anything serious, but i should have lost faith in these people sooner. (i know this is dramatic im just...grumpy. rn.)

(this is back in June) I explained to her that i was concerned about finishing school, this is my last class, I'm having trouble completing work and I'd like to try stimulants because i've heard that since your brain changes as you grow up, some people who took them in HS took them again as adults and they worked when they didn't before. Also they take less time to take effect so I would know sooner if they work or not. She gave me a bit of shit about it like "oh, stimulants are the last thing I go to, only after we've gone through other options" and I get it, a lot of college kids are abusing these drugs these days, but I just want something to CHANGE. I don't want another fucking antidepressant because MY PROBLEM IS THAT I GET DEPRESSED BECAUSE IM MISERABLE ABOUT NOT BEING ABLE TO FUNCTION. I need. to treat. the ADHD first. and she's going on about how welbutrin is "3rd line treatment for ADHD" and im like WELL WHAT ABOUT FIRST LINE TREATMENT.

Eventually she gave up and prescribed me Adderall and i took it to the pharmacy and...turns out my insurance needs a written letter from my doctor proving "medical necessity" (apparently an official diagnosis isn't!?) before they'll give it to someone over 18.

I've been waiting for them to approve it for nearly 3 fucking weeks. i may well have my next appointment come up before it even gets approved.

I'm just so tired.

I don't know what to do about my work. I can't do it. I just can't. it's almost midnight so I missed my window anyway and what's the point? I don't even deserve to ask my prof to help me get a job, why would she recommend me to anyone if i cant get any work done?

 

this has nothing to do with anything but i remember explaining to the psych about how im late for stuff all the time and it's cost me a job before and she was like "well, how did you get to this appointment on time?" and it was just

I don;t know. it was incredibly humiliating. I couldn't figure out if she meant "why not use whatever strategy you did here for other stuff" or "it must not be that bad after all" but both would have fucking sucked because

I THOUGHT I'd gotten better when i started my current job but the truth is, when i start something new i can get there on time but over time i just get worse. it always happens. job, doctor appts, whatever. I dont know how to fix it. im time blind. i try to set alarms but the upkeep is exhausting.

I wonder if i should change psychiatrists but getting this one took fucking ages to begin with.

eta: also she gave me shit like "well if you'd taken the welbutrin you'd have started seeing effects by our second visit anyway" and im like fuck you lady, what part of I DONT HAVE MY SHIT TOGETHER BECAUSE I HAVE ADHD dont you understand?

this has been a problem my whole life and i was so relieved to finally have a diagnosis but its taken over a year to actually DO anything with it and i keep hitting roadblocks and im just so. frustrated. im TRYING to do this all on my own, its enough just gettin thru every day and remembering to feed myself and stay clean and pay bills, plus getting to work and finishing school. How do i impress upon doctors that maybe i look ok on the surface but im actually a fucking mess?

 

My ability to write coherently has just tanked I guess. Embarrassing.

Spoiler: negativity

I don't even know why people like me, I talk too much and I make stupid mistakes and I'm too blunt and rude and don't know how to apologize and I walk too fast and I can't tell when someone is trying to tell me I made a social mistake thru body language or tone of voice!! So I have to find out later and feel humiliated that everyone now thinks I'm a fucking jerk!!

I break promises, I can't follow through, I space out when people are talking to me, I always let people down, I'm too loud, I'm not trying hard enough, I'm selfish and don't think about other people or their feelings, I always say yes even when I want to say no because it's too hard to refuse things, I'm clumsy, I don't watch what I'm doing, I'll probably get myself killed someday from spacing out while driving, no one actually cares about my stupid ocs.

Eta: I've probably said this already but I can't remember where or when. But I just live in a constant state of shame. It's exhausting. I'm always terrified of doing something wrong and them being embarrassed and it HAPPENS. it's not just something my anxiety makes up. I have bad impulse control apparently so when I get less anxious, I do something impulsive and stupid and then I get embarrassed and it starts the anxiety cycle all over again.

 

im so fucking done
its literally been a month since i got my prescription (my follow up appointment is in 4 days) and the pharmacy said they'd contact my doctor to get the permissions for my insurance 3 weeks ago

they JUST called me saying my doctor never got back to them.

I probably failed my class because I couldn't do my fucking work and couldn't get meds.

 

I forsee this conversation going

Psychiatrist: well why didn't you contact me earlier about this

Me: pharmacy said they would take care of it, I had finals, also THE ENTIRE FUCKING REASON I NEED MEDS IS MY TERRIBLE EXECUTIVE DYSFUNCTION


Edit: I tried to call my psych and to make a therapy appt today and both calls just got an answering machine despite being made during normal business hours. It was hard enough to work up the courage an energy to dial and it was all for nothing. I feel sick.

 

Spoiler: bad

I don't self harm and when I get really upset or feel trapped I think maybe I should because them people will take it seriously that I have problems. I know this is a horrible thing to think because plenty of people ACTUALLY struggle with self harm and I shouldn't be wishing things are worse than they are but I can't stop thinking about it

 

I'm guessing you can't get through to your psych any other way than phone? That sucks, it's really hard for lots of people who might need a psych ...

 

I tried the online messaging center for my health center but the UI is so bad I cannot actually figure out how to create...a new message...

 

there's no "create new message" anywhere, i can only reply, and the only message i have is from the person who did my intake, not my actual doctor :(

Edit: partner is magical and explained how to create a new message (it took then a couple hours to figure it out themselves apparently...) but it's EXTREMELY convoluted and whoever designed this website should be bapped with a rolled-up newspaper

 

good news: the therapy scheduler person called back (while I was cooking breakfast so i missed it, aaaargh) and gave me a list of times I could pick from, so if i cant get him in person i can just leave a message w the time i want. may be able to see someone Friday. /crosses fingers

eh: got an email from my prof saying I currently have a C- and C is what I need to pass the class. So i need to turn in the work I'm missing by Friday. I just hope I can manage it. I didn't attempt anything until now because my brain was too fried, but at least I have today and Wednesday off and I may...be able to scrape something together.

Trying to keep in mind that if I do this I don't ever have to do schoolwork again. I'll be done. it may not be motivation enough, (sighs)

Edit:
Cooked 2 days worth of meals yesterday and tidied my room a bit. I can't stand a great deal of mess but my room is tiny and I have a LOT of stuff (mostly craft supplies) and a bunch of it was left out for easy access for school projects. the necessity of shoving it all in a small space makes it v spoon-draining to dig through it to find anything, because its mostly a bunch of plastic boxes stacked on top of one another, so I have to take everything down to get at the bottom of the stack.

still got a bit of a pile on the floor but head feels a bit clearer,

 

More good news: psych appointment went better than expected. Turns out fuckup was on the pharmacy's end and I should have been able to get my meds on the 8th -_-.

Have them now. Time to find out if they work.

First therapy appt is tomorrow.

Got a little of the schoolwork done. (Wrote 3/4 of a page but it took me all day yesterday.) Hopefully will be able to finish it tonight.

 

Bad news, because apparently I can't get any fucking good news without it: I may lose my job within a month due to corporate bullshit

it's up in the air right now but apparently what the managers do is cut people's hours down to practically nothing so they quit on their own, so they don't have to fire them and pay unemployment

I'd like to think they wouldn't do that to me. I know my dept manager likes me a lot but it's out of her hands. Apparently corporate is pressuring the store manager to hire someone full time in my position. I can't work full time, last time I did I crashed and burned from stress. But if a coworker steps up, then that leaves 16 hours a week to split between 3 part-timers. or worse, if they hire someone new, 16 hours between FOUR people.

I'm barely making rent on 1000 a month from my parents and 500 from my job after they already reduced my hours for the summer. I used to make between 700-800. And parents are expecting me to become fully financially independant within the next year. I don't know if I can do that even if my meds work, because if I can't find a job that doesn't stress me out (cannot deal with customers often) it doesn't matter.

It would be nice to move somewhere cheaper now that school is (hopefully) done but then I'd have to find someone to take my room and...I was hoping for a laid-back summer where I could build up my savings again for a few months before deciding what to do. looks like that's out the window.

Trying to focus on this work so at least I can say I FINISHED school and this is making it really fucking hard. I appreciate that my coworker warned me but she could have waited like, two days. do not need this stress.

 

basically, I got into therapy right on time i guess -_-

 

If you are in the US this is called a constructive dismissal, I think, and you would be able to claim unemployment for it. At the very least it doesn't hurt to try.

 

Ah. That is good to know. My last attempt at getting unemployment failed horribly, mostly because I was given the impression that it was actually possible to obtain it after being fired for tardiness. Went through like 3 months of stupid paperwork and back and forth only to be rejected for, basically, "its your own damn fault you were fired so suck it up"

"My own damn fault" now known as "untreated mental illness" but yeah.

I know the coworker who told me is...well meaning but prone to dramatics, so I should probably take her words with a grain of salt until my dept manager actually speaks to me, because I trust her to be honest w me. And she's expressed disappointment in the past that I might leave for a new job after school, but also promised to write me a reference, so I think she'd let me know if shit were going down.

It just hit me at a bad time w school and med fuckery and I panicked a bit...plus my dumb moodswings from PMS don't help.

still, fuck corporate culture, they already fucked us over with reduced hours to begin with (as in, we literally aren't given enough time to do the amount of work we have, because last year we "didn't meet sales". Nothing draws in customers like late orders though, right!?)