Adulting is Hard etc

Discussion in 'Brainbent' started by Enzel, Jan 14, 2016.

  1. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    Feeling a little better abt things even tho my sleep schedule is still a mess. (Sleeping from like 4am-1pm...)

    Want to try baking something today bc we have a backlog of boxed mixes and it would be a shame to let them expire.

    Some coworkers were saying you can get partial unemployment w.o losing benefits so I may look at applying just in case to get in the system since it's obviously gonna be a wait anyway. 5 weeks is a good amt of time but given the state of the country it's probably worth being better safe than sorry. (If the lockdown lasts longer than I have the hours for I mean.) Plus if they reject me right away or tell me to use my PTO first I can appeal later when I actually need it? I guess.

    I'm fine w using my PTO honestly bc I know there is enough work sitting in the store right now that I wouldn't be able to take a vacation anytime soon after we reopen anyway, so I may as well. I'm using this time to get on top of things at home which is what I needed a break for.


    -Rent check.
    -finish putting away dishes
    -do a reimbursement from HSA (leave at least $50 for meds)

    Somewhat urgent:

    -figure out dentist bill stuff.
    -budget math
    -need to pick up meds this week. (Can't get Adderall mailed bc you need to pick it up with ID. Lol. Ask them to mail BC meds tho)
    -small grocery trip (chips, milk, check list).

    -apartment search. Start emailing places that look good.

    In general:

    -Various sewing projects. More masks eventually. Make some for coworkers.
    -put winter coats etc in closet
    -still need to look in to getting Aki's medical records, but may need to wait for pandemic to die down...
    -finish making friend's bday present and see about mailing it to him?
    Last edited: Apr 13, 2020
  2. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    Realizing that when I express my worries and frustrations about the state of the country and the world to my parents, they always try to reassure me that I, personally, will be ok because of this or that.

    Cool! I still care about other people dying and the fact that our country is a shitshow!! For once I'd just like them to acknowledge that I'm upset about something legitimately happening rather than immediately rising to reassure me.

    Really hammers it in that they only care about me not being upset rather than the truth or other people.

    Also they really do not understand that my spouse and I are both disabled and at the whims of our shitty-ass healthcare system and who knows what things will look like in a few months.
    Last edited: Apr 5, 2020
    • Witnessed x 1
  3. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    My stimulus check actually just came in which is a big relief. Still trying to scrape together enough money to move. Need to plan a grocery trip for this week.

    Two of my friends are sick with what is probably covid, thankfully doesn't seem to be serious cases & I think one of them is almost recovered by now...(she's been tweeting regularly at least. I should probably text her & ask how she's feeling. It sucks bc if she were home I could bike to her place and bring her stuff but she caught it while on a business trip so she's been quarantined in a hotel in another state...)

    Other friend is the other tank in our raid group & one of our DPS has been having non-pandemic-related health issues so we've had a break from raiding for the time being...I'm a little bummed but obviously health comes first so I'm not blaming them for it. Just sort of resentful of the general state of the universe. (dps friend has basically had a string of terrible luck for the past two years including the accident that caused his health issues, the deaths of several relatives, a break in, and more I'm not remembering atm but basically I just want to fight reality for him with my fists. He's a sweet guy and deserves none of this!!!)

    My mom has started insisting on weekly family video calls and I mysteriously started having stress dreams starring her since then ((((: (sighs deeply)

    In slightly good news my brother got a third cat (they took in the cat of an elderly relative of his wife's who passed away. Obviously the last part is not good news) and he is EXTREMELY fluffy.
  4. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    The passage of time is. Difficult.

    Looked at some apartments today, (online obvs) I think the best thing to do is probably check every day or every other day to keep on top of things.

    Have to put in my PTO weekly and almost forgot this week. X.x I just sat down and put the rest in going forward bc we still don't have a reopening date (which is. Fine. Bc fuck this situation but.) I submitted for unemployment & I'm hoping the fact that I'm using PTO won't get in the the very least if they'll let me start requesting it as soon at I run out of PTO in the first week of May...

    Trying to keep it together. Like personally I'm not as bad as I could be I'm just. So fucking stressed about our shitty-ass govt. And the new depths of malice that keep surfacing. I just feel completely helpless about it and I know I should just concentrate on what I can do at home but. I can't!! Just not care about how horrible it is that there are people who see a global pandemic and go "lol, how do I make this worse because I love money and killing people"

    There's still a million things I need to do buzzing around in my head and I can't keep track of it all. I did clean the stove today and the kitchen looks a lot nicer bc of it. I think living in a basement and now not going outside is fucking w my already bad time perception tho. Ugh. I know I should try to just go outside for the hell of it but the executive function required if I don't have something else to do is...

    -text friend R back
    -try to do some drawing
    -make noodles and some veg stir fry?
    -check HSA-- not sure how contributions are working rn
    -try to make the rest of the masks I cut fabric for at least
    -still need to finish friends bday present. Mail good bc support USPS, stop putting it off...

    (I tried to order stamps but our address uh. Does not exist according to the post office so THATS GREAT. Like to make an account to order stuff you need a confirmed address but they only had the upstairs apt numbers listed and nothing for ours. [basement] so really wondering if this place is straight up illegal. We don't have a second exit, the "fire exit" is a window that we have a key to the bars for. [Ground floor windows all have bars on em] I asked my sis in law once, she's an architect& was like "yeah that's not up to code at all" so that would explain why I couldn't get a RealID drivers license bc all the goddamn utility bills each say sth different...)

    God we just. Need to move. I need sunlight and fresh air and Aki also needs someplace that won't make them faint bc the landlord turned the heat up too high and we need more than 2 outlets per room so we don't have to live w the fire hazard that is 5 billion power strips

    I wish we could just move now bc tgere are some great places that only have immediate move in but can't break lease. If I had the money I would do it but don't have an extra 3 mos rent lying of this month I'm still just breaking even. May have to ask parents for money to help w move again as much as I don't want to.
  5. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag feels kinda bad bc I keep seeing posts like "it's ok if you don't feel productive during a pandemic it's a trying time that saps your creativity & dont feel obligated to make art" bc like

    I don't disagree w that but meanwhile my ADHD ass is like. I need to do SOMETHING to distract myself and a good way to do that is creative stuff that I didn't have the time for when working full time. So I go and spend several weeks making a fucking quilt. (It's not done but it was at least. Uh. 5 days of work if not more...I did a lot of it while leveling stuff in FFXIV during bits of downtime so it's hard to say. Cutting out all the pieces took me 3 days & then assembling took roughly 2 weeks? I had to stop bc I didn't have enough fabric, if I get super antsy I might see about ordering some online but it feels frivolous. I also don't have batting but I do have several rolls of that fake snow stuff for decorating I got on xmas clearance that LOOKS a lot like batting, just need to figure out if it's safe to use for that or what)

    (I should say I absolutely have enough fabric in general but I don't have anything left that wont clash/look tacky to finish what's missing. I might do some cosplay stuff next instead...)

    ...I guess I feel kind of guilty for being "productive" bc I don't want to make people think I expect the same from them I just. Need to keep busy so I don't go absolutely feral. And it turned out quilting is very calming/satisfying because mmmmmm geometrical shapes make brain happy.

    I'll try to post some pics on my bijou thread maybe when I wake up but I should stop marinating in misery and sleep
  6. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    Hmm keep forgetting things. Stress affecting exec function. Wheee

    Need to remember to write the rent check tomorrow & do some apartment hunting
  7. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    If there's one thing getting older has taught me its "you really don't have to get into every argument on the internet, even if you really think you could correct someone on something they got wrong"

    ...but damn it is hard sometimes. I try to remind myself that the amt of spoons required to do the argue is much more than the discomfort of someone being Wrong on the Internet

    ...that said as someone who has watched the whole anti thing evolve in real time...god, it's fucked. Both "sides" are fucked now bc there's legit manipulative and predatory people on either and a whole lot of innocent bystanders whose fandom experience is now miserable bc of it

    I'm so tired of the whole thing...someone I follow on Twitter who usually has good takes has...anti-adjacent views bc of an experience they had and...while they're not the "I'm going to send death threats and start a smear campaign bc you shipped the wrong thing" type I can see how their experience got them to that state of mind...and it sucks. Because ultimately blaming fiction takes the responsibility off of predatory people to not be fuckin predators

    Something fictional existing is never the actual problem, it's how people interact w it and how they behave towards other living human beings. Saying "this person was predatory and I could tell because they read creepy fiction" is stupid. Saying "this person was predatory and I could tell because they interacted w other people on x or y manner" makes sense. Just reading a book can't be inherently predatory behavior???

  8. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    I...fucked up

    I submitted for unemployment at the beginning of April but. Kept using my PTO hrs even tho I technically didn't have to by law. And since I got abt 16 hrs worth of pay last week before they ran out, I wasn't allowed to claim unemployment for that week? I guess??? I really don't understand how it works. But the website made me reopen my claim and said I can only start claiming for 5/10. Meaning I screwed myself out of an extra $600.

    At least the website says if you made partial pay but it's more than your UE pay you don't get it. And it's $5 more than the base pay would have been before the extra $600 so I don't know if that counts...there's no info anywhere that I can find so I'd have to try calling and I not have the spoons.

    I also don't know what's going to happen w my insurance...supposedly I get to keep it while furloughed but the premium usually comes out of my paycheck I going to get billed for it??? Ugh

    I have to go bike around tomorrow in an attempt to find toilet paper...we got a big pack of it before this nonsense started but we're finally running out. Fun.

    Sleep schedule still completely whack. I'm trying.

    The small amt of good news is that even without getting unemployment for last week, I *should* have the amt I need to move saved by the end of the month. Still kinda waiting for apt prices to drop...

    ....feel bad bc I brought up the possibility of getting a house bc ultimately a mortgage would be less expensive than rent around here even *with* property taxes and shit, but ofc the problem is the down payment. And friend who is moving up here latched onto that even tho I don't think that's at all a realistically achievable thing before September??? Like how am I going to get approved for a mortgage while I'm on unemployment??? What if we can't find a place in time, where are we going to go? Idk how to tell her to chill a bit and that we're probably going to have to spend a year in an apartment first...feels bad but...hurgh

    Like...I mentioned it a bit to my dad and sister's bf owns a house bc his parents are loaded and she and a couple friends pay him rent...but she was like "oh it's so much upkeep it's a pain I'd rather rent"

    Idk...she does live in a cheaper state but also. It's clear to me that people just can't...put things in perspective. My spouse is disabled and living in an apartment is currently bad for their health because the heat is always too high, they're on edge bc its noisy and they don't feel like it's their own space, apts have restrictions on pets and they rly need a is absurdly expensive and keeps going up...if we budgeted and found something reasonable I don't see why it would be a bad idea. I want to settle down. dad tried to tell me to look for better paying jobs but idk what he expects me to the entire pt of me taking my current job was stability and the other options I have ( costuming) are an even WORSE idea rn.
  9. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    Ok. Successfully submitted & obtained my first unemployment claim. Got a text from manager saying work will tentatively start again mid June but depends on the state.

    Trying to plan how to handle things once that happens to minimize the chance of bringing virus home to Aki. I tried to get an idea of how much car insurance would cost (we're getting a hand me down car but even tho not paying for the car, I have to have insurance to get the title in my name & have to have the title in my name to get the street parking pass. Hurgh)

    Now I'm getting spam phone calls bc I had to put my info into a bunch of insurance websites for quotes. LEAVE ME ALONEEE

    (Its looking like $100-$150/mo...gross)
  10. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    Friend with health issues tweeted something that sounded very concerningly like a suicide note last night. He lives across the country so we passed info on to someone who lives nearby irl.

    Apparently he's not answering his phone & isn't at home so this person is out looking for him. My nerves are officially shot.

    He did respond to someone on discord briefly an hour ago but it was to cancel video game plans for tonight. Hoping to anything that's listening that he just needed fresh air and went out to walk his dog.
  11. Starcrossedsky

    Starcrossedsky Burn and Refine

    since we went over this in one of my law classes last semester I can clarify! [not a lawyer disclaimer]

    ... but yeah you do still have to pay for it
    • Informative x 1
  12. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    Friend is ok. Apparently the tweet was about his job--he's stressed bc of too much work despite pandemic & on top of his health issues. So he was talking about how he wanted to quit, but vaguely, and it sounded like he meant something else.

    He's still in a rough spot but at least is not in immediate danger.
  13. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    I...did my back??? I don't know if it was biking w heavy grocery bags or if it was leaning over my bed working on sewing projects (I don't have a drafting table or floor space so...stuff goes on bed.) It's probably a 3-4 on pain scale but that I can deal with, my concern is that it doesn't seem to have improved in 2-3 doesn't feel like my old back injury, its higher up (mid back) and localized around probably a single vertebrae? It feels sore and tender and if I slouch at all it hurts. Have to sit up straight and pull my stomach in to relieve it. Can't tell if there's swelling or if it's just normal spine bump. I've been taking ibuprofen and I'm lying in bed w a heating pad rn but I'm wondering if I'm doing something to prevent it from healing or if this is just...the fact that I'm getting older & dont recover as fast as I used to.

    This on top of the weird ankle stuff and my hip joints and my hands/fingers made Aki say I should look in to connective tissue disorders like they have...I mean I'm 31 in two weeks I shouldn't be creaky yet. But I've always had weak ankles & sprained them frequently as a kid. And my knees always make a popping noise when I bend (not painful, dunno if it's related or not)

    This just. Sucks bc I need to go out and get more groceries but I'm unsure if biking will make it worse or not. I guess if I'm careful to get just enough to fit in my bike bags so I don't have to carry a backpack. (Last trip I did not plan well and had 2 heavy bike bags AND a heavy backpack...)

    Trying to figure out the car insurance thing hurgh.
    • Witnessed x 1
  14. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    Back is getting better, it's just been slow...heating pad was a good idea.

    Been having a. Bad exec dysfunction week. Trying to push thru it. One thing at a time.

    I want to try to do commissions to raise some money for the protests rn bc there isn't much else I can do. Just hope I can stay organized enough to pull it off.


    -submit unemployment tomorrow
    -check HSA
    -read up on the new company policy stuff (supposedly work opens again in 2 weeks...)

    -apartment hunting, reply to any emails
    -rent check.

    -see abt making an elastic-less pattern?
    -bag project
    -see abt ordering some sewing supplies online.

    -check on Aki's medical bill situation
    -look into requesting medical history again

    -make pcp appointment
    -try to figure out when next psych appointment is

    -groceries & pharmacy Monday
    Last edited: May 30, 2020
  15. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    dumping something here I was writing as a twitter thread but am unsure if i want to unleash it on the open internet

    I've been RTing & not speaking on other facets of the protests bc I don't feel my voice is necessary there, other people are the ones who should be centered right now. I just wanted to touch on the complacency so many white people have that if they raise their kids by just--

    "teaching them to be nice to everyone" that they'll magically turn out ok.
    honestly resent my parents for thinking they could raise me so oblivious and that I'd be better off. I had a very rude awakening. I could have been a better support for people I care about earlier.

    but what's done is done, just doing what I can from here on out.
    I still had to do work and I'm still doing the work. this isn't something we get to finish, it's ongoing. school in my liberal city taught us about the Civil Rights Movement, sure, but in a way that implied--

    "ok that was all in the past and everything is fine now!" which is, of course, bullshit.
    The reason I'm saying this is I've seen too many other "nice" white people get the wake up call and react with hostility, accuse PoC of lying about their experiences, instead of offering--

    compassion, solidarity, and hard work.
    I'm not exempt from that either. I can't give specifics bc a lot of my teens/early 20s memories are muddled by depression fog, but I know I did plenty of wallowing in shame and white guilt before rolling up my sleeves.

    a lot of it stemmed from my terrible self-esteem, but it was still my shit to work on and my responsibility not to dump it on my friends.
    just hoping this might reach someone who's stuck in the same place: you can't change your emotions. they are what they are. Accept them, act.

    if you have guilt, sit with it. it's tempting to unload it on someone else so you can feel absolved. don't do this. write in a private journal. or talk to another white person to get it out, but don't be enabled into feeling sorry for yourself.

    This is doesn't mean "suck it up". This is actually something I learned in therapy about managing emotions. There's a difference between trying to deny or shove your emotions down and acknowledging but not necessarily acting on them.
    (search "radical acceptance" wrt DBT)

    in the meantime, listen to what actual activists are saying, and evaluate what actions are possible for you to contribute to.
  16. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    Maybe I'm just too socially awkward but the entire concept of "virtue signaling" pisses me off

    By which I mean 99.9% of the assholes accusing people of doing it can't seem to conceive of anyone caring about someone that isn't themselves

    Maybe I just hate attention but seriously what's the fucking point of making a big show abt something you don't actually believe in. Keeping up a lie is tiring. Maybe people act like they care about stuff bc they ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT IT.


    (I'm aware that the people doing this are probably projecting bigtime bc its something *they* do to fit in so they cynically accuse other people of doing it. Still completely infuriating)

    Edit: feel like I should clarify that this was set off by seeing some randos on twitter in the context of the protests.
    Last edited: Jun 7, 2020
    • Witnessed x 1
  17. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    Also more Twitter nonsense: it constantly amazes me that people insist "TERF" is a slur lmao. It's an acronym with a specific meaning, describing an ideology, and the people its used to describe agree with that ideology so how the fuck is is a slur???

    It's like saying "MAGA" is a slur bc people use it derisively to refer to cheeto supporters. It was originally a self description even.

    It would be funny if it weren't so infuriatingly stupid. Why are terfs.
    • Agree x 1
  18. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    the good news is WE GOT AN APARTMENT so rn is packing and stress and busy but the end result will be GOOD and maybe in a few weeks I will get to pet...a cat...

    (Friend is coming to live w us!!! her cats are shy but I am determined to make them love me.)
    • Winner x 2
  19. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    AaaaaaAa Murphy's Law

    The landlord is away for the weekend, suddenly half the lights are out, turns out a tree branch fell and flipped the breakers? But I couldn't figure it out in time so I had to reschedule the internet installation & then finally found the circuit box in the basement, flipped them, got the kitchen lights working again but none of the others??? Went to go back down to try again but suddenly the lock on the basement door wouldn't budge no matter how hard I tried even tho the key worked FIVE MINUTES BEFORE and the upstairs neighbors wouldn't answer their door ;_;

    Went off to get another load of boxes from our old place and borrow some WD40 from my parents, grabbing food now and hopefully I can get it open and get the power working before monday bc Aki needs internet to do work from home and I need to get a truck for the big furniture

    • Witnessed x 1
  20. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    Managed to contact landlord who was v prompt about getting an electrician to fix the power so that was good. Also apparently the realtor didn't actually give is the basement key and the reason I was able to open it at first was because someone left it

    It's taking a while to get all our stuff over by car but I'm reminding myself it's cheaper than multiple trips in a van ultimately...I'm just sore all over and it feels like a neverending amount of STUFF

    ...we seem to have traded in screaming drunk college students for a small child upstairs who runs back and forth for hours at a time, cant decide if its better or worse but at least this place has sunlight. I'm hoping it'll help with my sleep schedule. (At least children go to bed and dont party until 1am)
    • Agree x 1
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