Adulting is Hard etc

Attempts to update...

Been a few days on meds. Not sure if effects are happening or not, mostly because I've been vacillating between "tired" and "stressed".

Managed to scrape to get the last bit of schoolwork. Got a C+. Which is passing. So I guess I have officially...graduated? Idk if you can call it that for a 2 year program, but its...something.

I know my ability to feel good about myself is broken because I don't feel happy or proud just...relieved that it's over. Relieved that I have one less thing to worry about.

Work is eh. Been having a hard time staying focused. I wonder if I should change the timing of my meds because i work nights, stay up late, sleep in.

Wish my period would get itself over with so I can figure out what part of feeling shitty is pms and what's just...feeling shitty. (Can I get rid of my stupid useless uterus yet???)

I did meet my new therapist for the first session. He seems nice. He's the first one out of....five...?? Who straight up said "your mom is abusive". And--I was trying not to laugh, just because a lot of what he said was stuff I've seen people saying here, about not minimizing your own pain just because other people have it worse. So. I guess you guys get the professional stamp of approval.

He also said that probably the reason I've still been floundering around is because I haven't worked through the emotions caused my crappy time growing up. Idk why this...seems like big news, but it made me remember my last therapist and how she was convinced my mom and I could reconcile somehow. And she actually got annoyed that we couldn't make progress w my anxiety because I was still living at home and all I could talk about was how miserable my mother made me.

It seems really stupid...ly obvious in retrospect that my anxiety disorder didn't come right out of thin air.

Either way. At the end of the session he actually thanked me for being honest and said "I know it's difficult." I was surprised because...it's actually not difficult for me to talk to therapists, but I know it is for a lot of other people, so that was nice. I know it's actually shot me in the foot a lot when I was younger, since some had told me that because I was so articulate and self aware that there was...nothing really wrong with me...

Spoiler: med talk, probably do not read if you have some kind of Food Issues

I think the meds are giving me the loss of appetite side effect, because I like food and sometimes eat more than I should and the other day i...forgot to eat...and I didn't actually feel hungry, but I was definitely shaky from low blood pressure and I had to force myself to get up and make food. So I'm going to have to be careful about eating regular meals I think. Hopefully I will have an easier time with food preparation as a trade-off.

 

I think it's...something that I wish therapy sessions were longer, because for once I'm actually feeling like I might be able to make progress??

 

I'm kind of worried that the meds are making my anxiety worse but im also worried I'll get nothing done if I go off them to test it

But it's not like I'm managing to remember more than one dose a day so who knows if they're actually doing anything. Idk how to measure my productivity. I keep not taking them when I wake up because I forget I don't have to take them w food and I'm bad at eating breakfast.

I need to get in touch with my gp to arrange a sleep study and figure out why I'm never rested. Putting that down so I remember. I have figured out my health center website with help and I can just email! Not call! That will be easier! Remember that.

Spoiler: death mention

I got a letter the other day saying my psychiatrist passed away. She was 31. Obituary didn't say how or why. I only met her twice so I'm just...objectively sad. She was really young. It must be awful for her family and friends. I feel bad that my biggest concern is getting another psych that will be willing to listen to me.

I would love to break this constant thought loop where my brain bombards me with every social misstep I've ever made and how people must hate me and think I'm weird, even though objectively I know most people probably didn't even notice! Yet I still irrationally worry about some small thing I did or said years ago! I've probably said this a million times by now but I'm just so tired of feeling ashamed and afraid constantly but I'm scared that if I stop caring what other people think I'll end up hurting them. I don't know how to find a balance.

I read a lot of people's threads here and I wish I could give advice or comfort like I used to but I'm so emotionally exhausted the words won't come. I wish I weren't struggling to keep my own head above water so I could send people money. I wish I could help.

 

Goals for tomorrow: try to go to bed by 2am so not exhausted for therapy. Try to catch the earlier bus.

Try to finish taxes. They are mostly done and you can use that money for the sewing machine you want.

Try to send message to gp about sleep study.

 

I feel like I am constantly struggling with compromise, the middle ground, nuance. It's either all or nothing.

I either don't say enough and people misunderstand me or jump to conclusions. Or I ramble on forever about details because I can't determine which ones are important and annoy them.

 

Yesterday was ok (got to therapy on time.)

But last night I was pretty tired so I went to at like 1:30 AM when I usually stay up until 2 or 3. Except...I couldn't fucking fall asleep. I was so tired but I just lay there. -_-. And now despite being in bed for 8 hours I'm still tired and grumpy because I'm tired and I have to go to work.

Also something been happening more lately and I don't know why--I live on the 3rd floor of an apartment building that's close to a highway and a train line, though the walls are thick enough that I can't hear much from outside. But randomly my room will shake. And the thing is I never noticed this happening until the last few weeks! And I've been here since April so I have no idea what it is!

I can't actually see or hear anything moving, but it will shake my desk chair when I'm on it, or my bed if I'm on it. Nothing else in my room moves enough to be a problem, but it ranges between mildly annoying and HOLY SHIT CAN YOU STOP IM TRYING TO SLEEP

I have no idea what's causing it. It wasn't the cause of my insomnia but it happened a bunch this morning and prevented me from getting a little extra sleep after I woke up early.

Ugh. I'm just. Incredibly nonfunctional and irritable when overtired and I want to stay home. But I need any work hours I can get rn.

 

<3333

 

I asked one of my roommates about the shaking and apparently it is just the cars/trains going by, but its worse in the morning rush when I'm usually asleep, except this time I couldn't sleep so I noticed it more.

I will attempt to nap after work maybe. I didn't have time to make any tea to try to perk me up. :(

 

I'm grumpy because after that crappy night ive been falling asleep but only for like 6 hours, which still isn't enough for me, and despite being tired can't seem to nap afterward. Now little things are getting to me.

some rando made some creepy comments at me in-game in FF14 which hardly ever happens but I did not have the spoons to report him, and at the time i was laughing it off but now it just makes me feel gross

Spoiler: stupid

like i play an 8 ft tall hulk lady w/ a flat chest for a reason yet i get zero attention when she has short/butch haircuts and i like it that way. but we were attending a friends in-game wedding so i gave her longer hair temporarily and i was enjoying the style change but i cant help feeling looking femme attracted this creep. i went into a dungeon bc i was wary he'd teleport-block me since there were people doing that to harrass people the other day, and after that he left me alone, but friends said he was saying weird shit to everyone and...argh.

HE WAS JUST SOME RANDOM CREEP IN A VIDEO GAME THAT I COULD JUST BLOCK BUT I STILL FEEL REALLY GROSS ABOUT IT AND NOW I WANT TO CUT IMRY'S HAIR AGAIN AND IDK HOW MUCH OF IT IS IRRATIONAL

also additionally at said wedding i was trying to be friend w people i hadn't met before and mentioned a ship of mine in a relevant discussion and got "ew [persons b and c] of [ot3] are [person A's] CHILDREN" and my brain went "great am i going to be called a pedophile now" fukin thanks tumblr

none of them are children, they're all grown-ass adults and met as adults :/ also i'd be afraid for any children if A were a father you don't have to ship it just....why

 

Surprise: it was pms. It feels too early in my cycle but then again I'm fucking terrible at tracking it so...ugh. it explains why I've been hungry and lightheaded a lot too. :/

Why am I so sensitive to birth control...every time I think I have a serious problem it turns out to be because of my fucking period. (I may be exaggerating a bit because I'm annoyed, but yes.

Last week my therapist suggested I get a different job that doesn't involve so much customer interaction because of my anxiety and I remember I may have freaked out at him a bit. The thing is, I don't disagree with him--but I can't think of what to even look for, and I have so many bad feels about the job application process that it's overwhelming to think about.

I'm extremely angry at my parents right now for being condescending jerks who still have no fucking clue after 27 years how to handle a child with executive dysfunction. You'd think if you try something a few times and all it does is make your kid upset and doesn't actually help them accomplish something, you'd stop, right? You'd think it was a dick move to say "actually, in order for you to obtain the favor I promised you, you have to complete this unrelated task you've been struggling with first, because I think dangling a favor like a carrot on a stick will get you to do what I think is best for you instead of make you feel hurt and betrayed for shifting the fucking goalposts suddenly"

it's almost like neither bullying me nor offering me rewards for difficult tasks works because I don't fucking need to be coerced or cajoled, I need to be supported in doing things at my own pace because all being forced does is make me spiral into misery and guilt for not being able to accomplish things!!

I hate that I can't learn a fucking lesson that I need to stop relying on my parents or even telling them the truth that I'm struggling because all they do is make me feel worse by trying to train me with treats like a fucking animal

My therapist told me to do something nice for myself and now I feel guilty because I TRIED and was yet again told I'm not good enough

Work is also stressing me out more because I'm 90% sure my manager has untreated ADHD as well as the rest of us, but she keeps making customers pissed by procrastinating on their orders that she claims only she can do, and then the rest of us have to field the angry phone calls when she's not here

It's stressful enough to get yelled at for my own mistakes but I feel even smaller and more miserable getting yelled at for something that's not even my fault

last week was the only day I haven't cried at therapy since I started seeing this guy. Idk what to make of that.

 

I'm angry again and I hate being angry. It makes me feel worse. It makes me an unpleasant person and I hate it.


Edit:

Spoiler: More crap so I don't spam new replies so much

I haven't been on time to work for like two weeks. Two days I was over half an hour late. I'm terrified they're going to fire me. Sure everyone likes me but so did everyone at my old job and they still fired me for being 10 minutes late 3 times because that was policy.

Spoiler

oh, here we are again. "No one actually really likes you, you're annoying and abrasive and selfish and you don't know when to shut up and you're always butting into conversations where your input isn't wanted, no one actually thinks your distress is valid, you're just whiny and lazy and you're lucky your parents pay your rent"

Spoiler

I really wish I could turn emotions off sometimes they're extremely inconvenient

I need to remember to ask therapist tomorrow if he thinks there's a possibility of something else being up w me aside from anxiety/depression/adhd. At least he can keep an eye out during future sessions?

I'm worried that not being able to keep my mouth shut around my parents because I can't lie and they're nosy is going to set my recovery back. I keep...hoping they'll change or understand if I just explain things the right way. I guess. Even though logically if they haven't by now they wont.

I'm p sure my dad is probably on the spectrum a little and doesn't know it. Usually we get along. He's typically very laid back and doesn't flip out about shit like my mom does.

but he also seems to struggle with empathy and like...usually even if it's hurtful I can't get mad because I can see he's trying to understand but can't quite grasp what the problem is. Like he sees I am upset and wants to fix it but completely misunderstands what would actually make me feel better. But it's not like my mom who just...decides something is correct and can't take criticism because she sees it as a personal attack. He decides something will work and then just seems...bewildered or brushes it off when it doesn't. If he can't understand something he just sorta gives up.

also he had similar problems to me growing up (never did homework, nervous about public speaking? He's a programmer and I'm p sure he hyperfocuses.) But he just sorta...pushed through it? I guess? He doesn't seem to have the shame reaction of "I failed this thing, I feel awful about myself" he just keeps trying until he gets results. So he doesn't understand why that won't work for me. He KNOWS I have low self esteem but he can't...grasp what that means. He thinks that by telling me I can do stuff my confidence will be magically boosted somehow. Then he gets impatient when it doesn't work.

I still don't understand why he and my mom are together. She's always yelling at him but he seems to be able to brush it off? Maybe it's the empathy thing? I've only seen him get upset at her a few times, a lot of the time he acts like her anger is either funny (which pissed her off more) or annoying (because he doesn't get why she's mad) and he just sorta ignores her until she stops. Of course, as her kid I couldn't do that because not doing what she wanted had consequences, usually involving her taking my stuff/threatening to throw it away or destroy it.

idk if it's relevant but he also has speech issues in the sense of...sometimes when he's trying to explain something he takes a very long time to find words, so it takes him a long time to get through sentences. Now that I think about it it seems like some kind of nonverbal thing?? I don't even know. My mom would make fun of him for it. I always thought that was mean and it made me self conscious because I'm p sure I get my way of explaining things in a super roundabout way from him.

 

...my roommate just sent me a text that basically said that i wake her up when i go to the bathroom at night because of the sound of the door (I try to be quiet because she's an absurdly light sleeper and has said this before, so idk how much quieter I can even be!?) and also that she "noticed" the light was on under my door at 3-4 am in the morning, when she gets up, and that it "may not be ideal if you're keeping the lights on and running the AC all night, our utilities are very high"

I have a small table lamp i use instead of the ceiling lights which i assume use more electricity because there are 3 of them and they are bright as hell

I have to run the AC all night because 1. my room is fucking tiny and traps heat, so if its over 75 F out im melting and opening the window does nothing bc there's no circulation and 2. its an old unit that doesnt shut off at the optimal temperature automatically.

3. they've been doing fucking construction outside my window at 2am so even if i WANTED the window open, i can't.

I am annoyed because the utilities are in fact not much more than i was paying at my last place, and if i have to pee there's only so much i can do, so i wish she would invest in earplugs or something if shes so sensitive that she can hear the bathroom door closing at 2am

when i go to bed is not her business

what does she want me to do? track how much each of us uses the AC and pay accordingly? The other roommate leave the kitchen light on all the time, are we going to calculate how much that costs us? she also refuses to use her AC because she doesn't like the noise. why is it my fault that i cant sleep in hot temperatures? I just. ugh.

 

I tried sleeping one night w window open and no AC and kept waking up bc its too fucking hot out. So fuck that. If she wants me to pay more or something fine. 1-2 more months w AC anyway before it starts getting cold.

 

Attempting new to-do list. I have some days off and I want to get stuff done.

-take meds when you wake up. ok to take ADHD meds without food, try to take stomach meds/vitamins with food. Maybe ADHD meds will help with the making of food.

-sort clothes. this includes piles on the floor and stuff hanging up to air out. Go thru dresser first and put stuff that still smells bad in the hamper.
-make a laundry wash. Two if necessary. Hopefully this will get rid of the last of the mildew smells.

-separate summer and winter clothes. put winter clothes in empty suitcase under bed for now.

-put bath towel in the wash and take out new one, put other clean ones away.

-maybe change bedsheets for washing too.

-Sort box of receipts by date and put in quarterly envelopes. toss last year's.

-empty recycle bin

-refill pill box

-vacuum floor once it's clear.

-get out the epoxy and glue a bunch of stuff. (broken plastic pieces from desk, curve ruler.)

-try to call doctor about being set up w new psychiatrist. possibly by 11am, everyone at the office seems to be at lunch after that.

-finish taxes. go thru file box and find extra documents. (last years return and health care info?)

 

Good luck! Can you tick something off yet? Ticking stuff off my to do list always makes me feel wonderful :)

 

I did! It looks...like a lot, but unfortunately the stuff that was left is what takes the most spoons...when i get into the swing of things with cleaning I can do a lot at once.

At least my floor is clear now and all my clothes are put away. Going to visit my partner for a couple days. I just had a smoothie instead of real food but we will eat together.

 

Looking good! :D

I find that hoovering always takes less time in the end than I have built it up to in my mind. (I hate hoovering, can you tell? :P)

 

( late reply but) I feel that. Still haven't gotten to it. To be fair I've been out a lot for various reasons and when I come home I'm v tired. At least my floor is still clear so I can basically do it at any time.

Got my meds sorted. I'm so relieved. Like...it took ages to move to this health facility but now that I have it's just...weird
Everyone is super nice and helpful! They call me every few days if I don't pick up the first time, which is amazing bc it much easier for me to answer a call than initiate one? Idk. Plus I'm forgetful. Either way, idk if it because they're a smaller facility or because they cater specifically to the LGBT community but they're way more...personable and accessible than anywhere else I've been. This is how health care *should* be, honestly.

Anyway now I can pick up my meds from the pharmacy downstairs from therapy which is so much easier than wrangling thru CVS.

Noticed a huge difference because I was rationing the meds for a bit since I want sure when I'd be able to get a refill. I saved them for work days so on my day off I was suddenly exhausted and out of spoons and spent a lot of it in bed. So. They're definitely doing SOMEthing. Tweaking will have to wait until I see new psych in November. (Sadly they are swamped because they had to distribute my old psych's patients to other doctors. Also they put effort into matching you with someone who has specialty in your issues which is why it takes so long.)

Rambling. More later.

 

Talked to therapist about...basically not spilling my guts to my parents all the time. I'm a horrifically honest person. That feels weirdly like tooting my own horn but really what it means is that

1. I can't lie for shit

And

2. I usually end up over sharing

And both of these things together suck for various reasons. One is that my brain interprets "lying" as "not telling the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth" so that means I have SUCH A HARD TIME WITH SMALL TALK

like when people say "how are you" I have to fight the urge to say anything but "fine" because it's usually not true but they don't actually want me to tell them how crappy I feel. It's just social noise. I hate social noise. Why am I bothering talking to someone if the conversation isn't meaningful.

I put a lot of effort into remembering what secrets I've been trusted with so I don't blurt them out stupidly.

What this comes down to with my parents is when they ask me how my life is going, I have a hard time deflecting. They'll often ask if I did specific tasks and I know if I lie and say yes, they'll ask for proof. But if I say I didn't do them they'll get on my case about it, but never offer any meaningful help, so I end up feeling like shit either way. Lies will always be found out but no one actually wants to hear the truth and it's just a constant reminder of what a huge disappointment of a human being I am.

Also whenever I express intent to do something that I CHOOSE TO DO my parents esp my mom like. Latch onto it and proceed to bug me about it periodically. And then I no longer want to do the thing. The fastest way to kill my motivation is to have my parents be expecting something because of my long history of being shamed for being unable to accomplish things.

I want to buy a special sewing machine that works on spandex, because my roommate does dance and said she wants to commission costumes from me because they cost upwards of $1000. So it would pay for itself very rapidly. But I need the money first so I need to finish my taxes. I made the mistake of telling my mother and now she fucking asks me if I've done my taxes every time I see her. She also wants me to put the rest of the money in a retirement account. This is actually a good idea, but the fact that she keeps pushing it every time she can slip a word in about it is making me hate it.

I have been doing my own taxes for like 5 years, I haven't been their dependent officially for a while despite them sending me college money, but they still think my taxes are their business and it's making me fucking miserable. I can't ever do anything at my own pace because they're always shaming me for taking too long and then it just spirals and eats all my spoons.

I know what to do, just the idea that my parents are judging me the whole way is completely paralyzing and I hate it. They take all my choices away from me. I know it's dumb but it feels like when they have decided something is best for me, I develop an aversion to that thing whether it's reasonable or not, because in the past they never fucking listened to what I wanted or needed.

It's a horrible mental roadblock and I'm really ashamed of it.

 

Good: med side effects seem to have chilled tf out. Therapist did tell me that happens, i.e. you get side effects for the first month or so and then your body finally stops going "wtf is this!?" I have my appetite back.

Eh: mom texted me asking if I wanted to go out to dinner with parents tomorrow. I could use free food. Not getting paid til wed night. But I always regret going to see them. Just. Always. They're going to ask me about the taxes again and if I've contacted my professor about a job and blahhh.

I may just say I have work. Even tho that's a lie. It'll be easier over text. I feel bad just typing that. -_- but then she may just ask me for a day I'm free.

I'm kinda burnt out because I worked 6/7 days last week and then this week I only have 3 days so I was kind of looking forward to just. Chilling out and recharging.