Adulting is Hard etc

oh HA HA I'm 2 stops away from work and the train breaks down...*ok*.

 

I made it 10 mins before open by some miracle and counted the money faster than I ever have in my life, so we opened on time...

took a better look at the car & figured out the battery is from 2016 so it should probably be replaced regardless. Also found a messed up wire going to the A/C pressure sensor (?) (took a lot of googling to figure out what part it was) and wrapped that up w electrical tape...it looks kind like a small animal gnawed on it or sth but not all the way thru. either way my dad's advice was there could be a short draining power somewhere so when I put the new battery in I have to do a "parasitic draw test". learning all sorts of jargon these days. so that's my Sunday mapped out...

 

car battery swap went well but I haven't had the time/daylight to test for the short...fingers crossed that wire I fixed was it or at least that the new battery holds out until I get the chance to test it...

(found written instructions instead of a video but they were full of jargon that assumed you already understood how to use a multimeter...apparently MMO players aren't the only ones guilty of being unable to translate to layman-speak)


actually sat down to make a commissions sheet & I'm feeling more optimistic this time...I found the one I started making last time, but it was apparently from over a year ago and had only my traditional art on it. looking at the digital art I've done on CSP since then all together in one spot did wonders for impostor syndrome. like...I may actually be kinda good at this after all???

still trying to decide on prices & I need to figure out paypal because it's now demanding my ID and address confirmation paperwork (and charging a fee for withdrawing money -_-) and also refresh my knowledge on taxes for freelance. (not that I think I'll break $600 before January but it'll be good to know if I make this a regular thing.)


also got on the waiting list for a new therapist. i *think* my insurance will pay for at least some of it now...either way they told me it's a 4-5 month wait at my health center so I might look elsewhere in the meantime. i asked about DBT and they do have people that do it, and I'm not sure if I'm going to find a private practitioner that takes my insurance that easily, but...

also need to schedule w/ my PCP to ask about testing for my thyroid/autoimmune stuff, and I guess try to find a new ob/gyn... not looking forward to shuffling doctors til I find someone who is understanding abt me being ace/the whole pap smear thing.

...should probably also mention that I want to move forward abt getting top surgery. I wish I had a more concrete plan abt the recovery, my brother did offer help but as far as I know he's probably taking a job overseas so?? But that stuff can be planned in the interim... I also want to wait til the pandemic has died down more but I've set a goal for myself that I want it done before I turn 35. so 3 years. *supposedly* my insurance covers gender stuff but in reality you know how those things go...at the very least I know my health center has resources being one of the best in the country for trans health so...

was talking to Aki about how I don't actually know how much it's been holding me back, I'm not so miserable i can't go outside but it definitely affects me day to day in terms of bringing my baseline mood down, so... ...so many of my clothes would fit better afterwards, too...I might even have some drive to exercise. like sweating sucks no matter what but it would suck less, lmao.


tonight need to remember to pay a medical bill and also put in PTO days for some of Aki's upcoming appointments.

 

ok so i... could not figure out how to make the multimeter work despite trying several different sets of instructions...by which I mean when I connect it to the battery, it stays at 0 no matter which setting I put it on...which doesn't seem right (sometimes the number will go up and then right back down again) but I got one that was more complex than the one recommended by a guy who made an instructional vid for the test so it must have the correct settings...? so it's either I got a model that doesn't have the right settings, or the car actually doesn't have a short and it was just the battery (or it was the wire I taped up)

frustratingly all the written instructions which i tend to prefer kept talking about multimeter settings i could not find. "set it to amps" there's like 4-5 on this dial what do you want from me??

even knowing this is a problem bc people don't know how to translate jargon they just. expect you to know what they mean.

BLEH anyway. successfully set up a business PayPal. I may still need to give them an Id but at least now I don't have to worry about the dead name thing.

commission sheet mostly done I'm just trying to simplify the info...I ramble too much

 

Saturdays are the worst...plus completely thrown off my schedule bc of early mornings -_-

they're still doing construction on the train plus I had to be at work 2 hrs early for a meeting. I forgot abt the construction despite KNOWING it was Saturday until I got to the station...had to go back to car, drive to another train line, then miss that train by 1 min and need to wait for the next one x.x so I may as well have just taken the stupid shuttle bus bc it's going to amount to the same lateness.

did nothing yesterday after work except wash dishes and go right to bed too...aughgh and thurs was another 6am day. at least after this week no more. for 6 months til next inventory at least...



took notes on freelance taxes. Apparently the minimum limit is $400 now? (for some reason I thought it was more but ok...)

-income tax (gurgling noises. i assume tax bracket is calculated by total income including my regular work but I'll let the tax program I use do the work...) ($400 -> $40.66??)
-freelance tax (Social Security & Medicare) 15.3% ($400->$61.20)
-State income tax 5% ($400->$20 or $16.94)
-Sales tax 6.25% ($400 ->$25)

so if I understand right...taxes for $400 freelance are $147 at most... not counting paypal fees...(I wonder if those are considered business expenses)

-double check if state business license is still active (you need one here to sell art at conventions so assuming that commissions is the same)

-should make a separate bank acct for freelance income (for next year at the very least)

 

yesterday all my brain could handle was dishes and zoning out...I mean fair bc I've been exhausted but. why is there always so much to do.

I did pay that medical bill i mentioned days ago & figured out that apparently i *can* use money from my HSA in a pinch i just have to pay roughly 30% of what I take out in tax/penalty which is ...oof but at least I know. there's like $500 in there. I can get some new compression gloves bc mine are starting to fall apart...

today gotta

-laundry
-vacuum
-finish making at least 1 pair pj pants bigger

-pick up meds tomorrow after work

 

accomplished laundry and vacuum before brain shutdown.

poked around on craigslist for possible parking but nothing close by...I'm going to have to do the old fashioned thing and print flyers & put them up & down the street huh.

...it grinds my gears a little that there are like 4 large parking lots within walking distance that sit empty at night & no way to rent a damn space for a few months.

I mean it also grinds my gears that there *is* enough space in our driveway for 3 cars but asshole neighbor won't park far back enough to fit 2 more. (only one) and there's no way to actually fucking communicate w him if we wanted a different arrangement. (like I'd leave ours in the back but there's no way to guarantee he'd fucking move it if needed it)

...ppl have been coming to look at the 3rd floor apartment but idk if anyone is actually interested, so if someone moved in they and my roommate would get the spots anyway...so flyers it is

 

got roped into cooking Thanksgiving dinner w my parents (read: my mother) and honestly I would just rather sleep all day

sigh

 

weird stressful day but Aki's cooking is extremely good

not looking forward to tomorrow tho. hurgh

need to:

-print the parking flyers
-print the application for the toll transponder for the car
-scream

-attempt to go to pharmacy on Monday because they were CLOSED WEDNESDAY AND THEY WEBSITE SAID NOTHING

 

can I please...catch a break...

managed to lose my car key because the keychain broke (??) I think it was at work bc I was putting my coat on & heard something fall but I didn't see anything so I shrugged it off...got off the train & realized. had to have roommate drive to bring me the spare key. so now I have to go in to work on my day off to go look for it...

on top of which I gotta print/ hand out those flyers...get milk...small costco trip
...

 

I attempted to schedule my covid booster since I will be eligible Dec 10 (?) as far as I understand...the CVS website is badly designed

like you put in all the info like last vaccine date and it gives you a dropdown of dates. when you pick a date it gives a list of locations near the zip code you put in, and you can expand each one to pick a time slot.

you would think they would only let locations with an open time slot on the selected date show up.

WRONG. you have to manually click every single one to see if there's anything and they all had nothing available. I tried different dates but couldn't be assed to check every single one bc I was that annoyed by poor design. will try again closer to the date I guess...

off to try to find car key...crossing fingers

also need to call & reschedule my therapy intake bc it was supposed to be Monday but my work schedule got switched around last minute (bc I wasn't thinking ahead when I scheduled it, just Monday = day off except this week had to take wed off for doc appt so manager scheduled me monday... etc)


just hoping I'll manage next wk bc manager put me on an hour earlier to give me more time to catch up on work...plus my day off changed...and I have to go EXTRA early tomorrow to get to the pharmacy to pick up my birth control so I don't miss a day & have a revenge period (shudders)


I was talking to Aki about how...living w mistakes is a reality for me, and while everyone does to an extent, my ADHD makes me fuck up more frequently and with stupid mundane things except because of the frequency the cost is higher. see:

-did not push myself to go to the pharmacy bf Wed, checked the website but didn't call & they didn't post holiday hrs, so they were closed and I have to wait til Monday to pick up the meds. (they are closed on weekends in addition to the holiday) luckily my last one is today but.

--> consequence: if I had to actually skip days of birth control and my period came back, I'd have my mood & well-being affected and it would make my ADHD symptoms worse esp the tiredness

-did not investigate that sound & dropped car key, -->had to inconvenience roommate and now go out of my way on my day off to find it. possibility I may not find it & have to go out of my way to get a new one made. time & money.

-procrastinated with the parking thing & am now a ball of anxiety.

-was not on top of finances & internet bill autopay got f'ed up 2 months in a row so I have to pay $50 in late fees -->money


my time, energy & money are all limited & my mom tried to give me some...platitudes about how all the stuff I'm dealing with is Normal Adult Things so I shouldn't be stressed out (?????)

like ok...do Normal Adults have all this shit constantly happening? Are they always on edge bc they have like $30 in their bank accounts? you know what would make me less stressed? Money.

My loan paid off? Less stress. My credit card paid off? Less stress. Car fixed bc it definitely had more problems I'm ignoring bc I have no money? less stress. Dryer fixed instead of finding the time to do it myself bc I have no money? less stress.

magical.

parents keep condescendingly telling me I need a better job like...Okay???? apparently they'd be willing to pay for classes of some sort but that doesn't cover you know. the time it takes to take them. I would not be able to stop working and I work full time. you going to pay my bills too? bc I *wasn't* able to work and go to school at the same time, I was barely able to manage school when it was my full time job because I HAVE. A DISABILITY.

not to mention the stress of not knowing if this hypothetical "better" job will be right for me, the environment, the coworkers (everything they suggest is trades which lol! I think I'd be ok at the work but working w a bunch of middle aged dudes condescending me is not...appealing...), if it'll be flexible enough to let me take Aki to doctor appointments...

my job is stressful right now bc I've been having to fill in on the floor bc everyone is new/we're still hiring but people are getting training & its getting better. the only thing I really have an issue with is the fact that I haven't gotten a raise in 2 years and I'm going to try pushing for it after Dec.

 

well, i found the key...feeling a bit dumb bc i went all the way in to work to look for it but it was lying in a pile of leaves where i had parked the car...only found it after heading back home and looking around more in the daylight.

put parking flyers in a bunch of mailboxes up and down the street so now...we wait... There's a lot of 2 family houses so idk if they're rented or privately owned, I'll have to make sure if anyone offers that the other people in the same building are also ok w it....sighs. ~social interactions~


luckily remembered I keep a spare set of morning meds in my coat pocket for days that I forget to take em before leaving for work, so i have 1 more day if I can't make it to the pharmacy tomorrow. going to try.

 

the saga continues...

my pcp didn't even send in a new script so the pharmacy couldn't do anything for me & it was after work so I have to call today on my break and see if they can sort it out...part of the problem is my ob/gyn left the practice & I don't know the details of what she did to get the script to give me 3 months at once but either my PCP doesn't know how to do it or he's not on top of things and just writing a monthly script like without reading too closely. ugh.

I don't know enough about how pharmacies work to know why he didn't just. copy the old script when I ran out of refills??? sigh.

I really, really do not want a breakthrough period...

edit: reminder to self to call to reschedule the psych thing tomorrow

 

endwalker: good

everything else irl: incoherent screaming


kind of wish i took two weeks off

 

basically I took the car to get looked at bc the battery died again. they didn't find anything wrong w/ the alternator (???) but instead were like. you need a bunch of stuff done bc it has 90k miles on it. and made it sound like it all needed to be done or they car would fall apart on me. $3300. I'm still paying off the $2500 loan from the last repair. I panic and ask abt the payment plan the guy mentioned last time. oh no it's not a payment plan its...a credit card?? except I'd already agreed to have the work done bc I was so thrown off and worried about not having a car thinking I could pay a bunch of it off in a month or two once I got my tax return...then I try the credit card application and it give me a limit of $2000 only. so I have to somehow come up with $1300 ???? I feel like a fucking idiot bc I let the lady rush me into making a decision on the phone instead of. I don't know. I don't know!!! I tried calling my parents for help/advice and they basically told me to go get mad at the car place for bad customer service. SO HELPFUL

I am kind of pissed bc the last time I went the guy was patient and explained stuff but the lady I got this time was. I guess sort of. i didn't realize she was being pushy until it was too late bc she made everything sound reasonable? even when I was shocked at the price she kept going on about how this was necessary maintenance and the car was old but don't worry itll last you a long time after that

like yes I should not have told her to go ahead and do it right away but I was not in the right state of mind to be making such a decision and I regret it. so now I'm fucked.

and after talking to several people who were all like "why the fuck did it all cost $3000?? that's absurd" I feel like I got sweet talked into it bc I was desperate not to lose the car. yet they didn't even find the fucking problem I brought it in for??? so now I don't even know what to think, I was basically prepared to not have any money for another year but I can't even.

ofc my parents like. seem to think that they need to do anything but help me monetarily so I "learn a lesson" like I'm p sure I "learned a lesson" just from making the mistake of agreeing to the work on the first phone call, I feel like absolute shit, and you know what makes me feel shittier? people who are supposed to be my family asking me why my partner won't help me financially when they are paying off a medical bill the same amt as my own loan, and they make less than me to begin with. when those people have enough income to afford a fucking summer house. I don't even want to be just given money I would be absolutely willing to pay it back. I also don't need to be told "the problem is that you don't make enough money" as if I can magically get a job that pays me $25/hr. I know it must be a disappointment to pull in a 6 figure programmer salary and watch your kid go on to work paycheck to paycheck but damn. nice to know it's my fault for not trying hard enough and not like our economy devalues people who do the sort of work I do. clearly I should just "find another job". WHAT. JOB. PLEASE FUCKING TELL ME. I DON'T HAVE A DEGREE.

I'm so tired. I'm so tired. I need to sleep bc I have to go back to work tomorrow and I have to get up earlier to make that stupid phone call and find out if I have *any* options at all to pay for the car but my brain won't shut up and I can't stop crying. I fucking hate this.

I hate my fucking defective brain and my impulse control and my inability to realize I even need to ask for help until it's too late


oh and it's been a week and they still havent FILLED MY FUCKING BIRTH CONTROL PRESCRIPTION

 

this is honestly the worst sense of dread I've felt in a while and maybe it's because it's so immediate, I don't know. the one thing I'm holding onto is that I don't want something as stupid as this to ruin my life but also. I get it. fucking hell.

(I'm not going to hurt myself or anything but. I can understand how people get to that point.)

tried taking my meds but it's bad enough that they're not helping. I really need to sleep. I would really LIKE to sleep.

 

called car place and I luckily got the guy who helped me last time, he was sympathetic & was also like "idk why it needed that much work so soon" (ugh so I did get ripped off) & they agreed to let me pay the extra $1000 in installments. so now I have to figure out how to get it but at least...I have time.

there goes the plan to pay for winter parking tho, so basically I have to park the car at Aki's moms place and get my roommate to help me retrieve it bf appointments...this is so stupid bc the point of fixing the car was to be able to use it but. well. I guess that's the price I pay for being an idiot.

going to try to sit down tonight & budget so I have some idea of what i need to make on the side somehow. really what I want to do is nap for 100 years.

a small plus is the fact that my manager scheduled me for Sunday this wk so maybe the extra hrs will help...I'm going to try to hit 40 hrs a week now instead of 35. going to have to make myself go to bed at midnight so I don't keep over from sleep deprivation.

 

>go to pick up car

>its blocked in

>I go to ask them to move the car blocking it

>start it again and battery is dead

lol

so i guess they're keeping it for a while longer!!!!!

(SCREAMS)

 

soooo apparently it was just incredibly bad luck and the new battery was defective. mechanic ended up replacing it for free (I'm assuming they were able to handle the warranty shit for me). so that's a relief.

Had to leave the car at Aki's parents' place anyway bc I finally got a ticket for being on the street...at least it wasn't much.

concerns...

-was told the starter is making a funny noise that may be an issue at some later date

-among the initial issues found I was told it was out of alignment again which I suspected but kept like. second guessing myself bc they did an alignment TWICE before. so they told me they'd do another free one. well still... pulling to the right a bit. I'm thinking there must be some issue that's making it keep going back...

-weird brake issue seems to have stopped so I assume it was being caused by one of the broken parts they replaced


money wise...

-i noticed that I asked for PTO for specifically the days I would usually work, but my manager also scheduled me for different days when I got back I guess to fill scheduling gaps, so as a result my most recent paycheck was for 90 hrs instead of 80. I AM NOT COMPLAINING. IM NOT GOING TO SAY A WORD. that's a whole extra $300 that will make my life easier

-vague calculations being:

-next paycheck is covering rent

-this paycheck ~$1000
-tax return usually ~$1000
-that leaves abt $1300 I need to scrape up within 6 months to avoid paying the atrocious 30% interest on the new card I had to take out
-need to make a plan abt how to space all the payments out. while its tempting to pay a bunch at once, the minimum monthly car payment is $100 and I need to be sending a bit to the mechanic directly every week as well.



-now that the car stuff is mostly sorted I need to remember to call the pharmacy on my break. also see abt scheduling an appointment w my pcp as follow up abt the temperature regulation issues I've been having...I think regardless they should probably test for thyroid stuff just to keep an eye out for it...

-need to figure out how to get new specialists to replace the ones that are leaving...

 

xmas was actually. ok. probably owing to the fact that it was just me, Aki & roommate. my sister tested positive for Covid last minute so family stuff cancelled.

(she & parents had boosters so I'm not *too* worried just. man. she was irresponsible and went to visit a friend in another state a week ago...)


...new obgyn tomorrow. I'm prepping my "Yes, I am asexual, yes, I'm sure, yes, I'm 32 and have never had sex and never plan to, now please prescribe my birth control meds so I can go back to not having a period, because I just got my first one in like 2 years and it still sucks just as much as I remember" speech

(the GI issues came back :)))) no kidding!! and I've been sleeping way too much.)