Adulting is Hard etc

hanging in there, making incremental progress on...various things.

Spoiler: medical

Heat intolerance is thru the roof this year and it fucking sucks. The excessive sweating started uhhh over the winter? basically *any* sort of physical exertion would make me start sweating like I did a workout. I'm talking "picked up a box" or "walked up and down a flight of stairs". it's gross, I have to keep finding ways to stay presentable at work, etc. But now that its actually hot out its 10x worse, I can feel how rapidly I get heat exhaustion, I have to chug water to not dehydrate, it's been making my patience/mood absolutely atrocious.

Once again doctors are bad at explaining shit because there were mentions of stimulants being able to make Reynauds worse, but since it had been steady for a couple years I thought I was ok...it turns out Reynauds can be *induced* by medication, plus what I didn't understand is heat intolerance goes with it. (i had been focusing on the cold hands and feet bc thats what was affecting me the most.) Like yes maybe it should have occured to me that poor circulation affects your heat tolerance but I did bring up the sweating to my doctor and he basically just shrugged...

...they did do the immune disorder testing which found nothing, which doesn't necessarily mean I don't have something, but since its p much just the Reynauds it seems more likely it's my meds. here I was thinking I had it independently of the meds and if I just managed it I'll be fine, but now I don't know anymore.

Talking to my psychiatrist today...what I want to know is whether or not it's reversable if I actually went off them or reduced the dose. I have no fucking clue how I'm going to function w.o stimulants but maybe I can do something like reduce the XR dose and take the short release as needed...bc I can't let it keep getting worse esp with cholesterol problems in the family, it's going to be hell to deal with as I get older.

just on top of everything else...gah. I guess now is the time to experiment bc work is slow these days...

Still need to make those doctor appointments...and contact landlord about possible septic tank issue... drags hands down face.


edit: ...I've been spelling it Reynauds because I took French but apparently it's Raynauds??? my life is a lie

 

got SOME answers...

-apparently Raynauds is a *rare* side effect of stimulants so it's very unusual? and also the slow onset (like 3~4 years) makes it unlikely to be straight up caused by the meds
-however the meds can absolutely make it worse
-whatever the meds made worse is in fact reversable
-we're going to try lowering my XR dose a bit and make up for it with extra short release I can take when I really need it (like a longer drive)
-was urged to def follow up with my PCP about the sudden nosedive in my heat tolerance to make sure it isn't anything *else*
-it's possible it got worse bc my metabolism is slowing down as I get older so I can't tolerate the dose I was on anymore (i.e. and not necessarily bc the condition itself escalated)

 

hm. im surprised i haven't updated here since july but oh well

the meds thing is a mess right now, I finally got hit by the shortage and was lucky enough to have enough to ration them for a week until the pharmacy got some in...this was of course *after* talking to my doctor about possibly switching to sth like Vyvanse and concluding it should wait til spring in case it doesn't work since i literally can't...work without my meds and crashing during the busiest part of the year for work is. hm.

cuz like. we tried lowering my Adderall dose and it made me...miserable and cranky and did next to nothing to relieve the overheating problem. I was low-key miserable at 30mg and i could only do 20mg for 2 days before i couldn't stand it. I hate this...

I know thats probably the reason im having a bad brain day today (i took 30 to ration them til tomorrow and im also anxious the pharmacy will be out) plus my entire day got derailed...

i have to plan my days off to get anything done and the specific plan i had for today got fucked up. everything just feels 500x times harder than it should be. also you know how Sims get that moodlet when they're a neat freak in a dirty place....that's me rn. it's like taking constant ticks of poison damage.

usually id go into stuff in excruciating detail and it helps to rant like that but right now i just feel so. mentally disorganized all I want to do is scream

and thats all just personal shit! not even getting into Current Events!

....materially I'm ok ish its just. I don't know. brain is NOT doing well.

i guess its highlighted by the fact that i am seriously non functional without my meds and it really hit me how conditional getting them is. I don't know what to do if the pharmacy is out again. Like there's no way I have the ability to run around to a bunch of pharmacies checking if they have them in stock and getting my doctor to send a new prescription every time. this is so fucking evil that they did this to combat "addiction".

 

Need to do some out of context screaming for a moment:

1. Maybe the reason you don't like his vibe is because you're wildly misinterpreting his tone and you should just...chill! for someone with at least several autistic friends you sure are. reading into his words something that ISN'T there. man. -things you can't say to a stranger on the internet

2. Now that COVID is "over" (aka. the healthcare emergency) govt healthcare has restarted disability evals. (screams into pillow) The eval is exactly the same as the paperwork we submitted for the initial application so we could technically submit a copy of the EXACT SAME PAPERWORK AGAIN. THE PAPERWORK THEY SHOULD HAVE ON FILE. THIS IS FUCKING STUPID. (I think I kept a copy somewhere so I need to dig it up and just copy it over word for word but will probably have to re-submit the medical release requests to doctors and) (more muffled screaming)

....This time I'm making 2 copies of EVERYTHING before we send it out

 

I had a dream i had top surgery. I have been struggling with the stupidest bout of executive function over it i *have* the referral i picked a surgeon i literally just need to message my doctor with which surgeon i picked. (rattles my brain) DO IT

 

I SENT. THE MESSAGE. TO MY DOC FOR TOP SURGERY REFERRAL FINALLY.

in other news I've been trying a different med and tapering off the adderall to see if it helps w the circulation thing. So far no change but hurgh i can feel the difference...I'm legitimately having a harder time focusing on work, I have to get up every hour or so and walk around and sometimes do something else for a little while to refocus. Which. is probably better for my circulation but. lol. at least I have...coping mechanisms. new med is helping w/ the irritability at least so its doing....something?

The general sleepiness seems to improve when my sleep schedule is better but it's still there...work in progress.

My knees have been haters lately, they were ok for a while and then i started getting these...I'm assuming some sort of fluid buildup, these hard lumps behind my knee joint that come and go and are painful to press on. So gotta get that looked at. moving around seems to help but not get rid of them entirely so i have no clue if its related to me having to sit at work all day or not.

 

top surgery consultation went well, all things considered. However. Even after my insurance covers it I'm looking at a lot out of pocket. (parts that are "cosmetic" but i know will be necessary bc it's going to bother me.) I think I can manage but it's a matter of budgeting like crazy when i just finished paying off one car bill and am looking at another one...

im giving it a week or so to sink in while i gather info. there's just so much to juggle and auughfhf

Spoiler: medical shit

-i need to stretch my quads more that helps w the knee problems. thankfully

-my psychiatrist left the practice (this is the second one in a couple years??) and they're making me do another intake evaluation to get another one (???) and they can't get me in until the end of the summer so I just don't have a psychiatrist for 3 months. and you need a new prescription every month for stimulants. I was able to pick up my last one so i have 4 more weeks to figure it out but im hoping i can just ask my pcp to take over writing my scripts til then...

-so that happened in the middle of me trying a new med and trying to get off the old one, however it made me feel like shit so i don't think i can do it. But now summer is approaching and im already feeling the effects of overheating easily. This summer is going to suck so badly.

-i noticed my hair has been thinning in the front and apparently that can be caused by birth control so I have to ask about THAT

I've been taking a bunch of days off work for appointments and stuff and it's really sinking in how much I could stand to work less...my new manager said she's fine with people cramming their 40 hrs into 4 days but i know i can't handle that. I can barely handle getting up at 10am every day.

I just never have enough TIME. We've gotta go retrieve the AC units from MiL's place and install them...