Adventures in Depression

Discussion in 'Braaaaiiiinnnns...' started by Petra, Mar 2, 2015.

  1. Petra

    Petra space case

    Title shamelessly cribbed from the wonderful comedic essays on, this is a thread for people with depression to provide support and share their stories. I'll start, I guess.

    I'm a senior in college now, but in my freshman year I got slammed really hard with depression for the first time. I had to take spring semester off and spent the spring and summer trying new medication and getting my life back on track before returning to school. This, however, means that I need to take an extra semester to graduate, and that stresses me out, especially as I'm not sure if my scholarships will extend.

    This summer I had another huge depressive spell. There was a week where I could barely get out of bed, it was so bad. We tweaked my medication when I was having crying fits in class in the early fall, and things seemed to go better, but this past month things have been getting worse again. I don't really know what to do, and I don't have a lot of motivation or energy for classes. Plus, my brain keeps telling me I'm just being lazy and pathetic.
  2. kmoss

    kmoss whoops

    I'm sure you tell yourself this, but you're definitely not lazy or pathetic. It's tough to argue out of that one in your own head, but hopefully seeing it written down might help. Also, combating motivation issues sucks, but if writing emails is a thing that doesn't take a lot of spoons, it could help to email whoever is in charge of the scholarships and say "hey, i have a question, my issue is this, do my scholarships extend, kthxbai".

    if you do write the email, make sure to toss in your struggles with depression and issues with stress and anxiety during this process. I do that when I miss classes for a few weeks, and most professors/people are really forgiving, and usually try to bend over backwards. It sucks because when you write it out, because it's kind of stressful admitting that to people you don't know, but you deserve those scholarships, and you deserve the chance to do school properly.

    Also - check with your psych to see about tweaking the meds again. You could definitely be building up a tolerance.


    this month I'm kind of...stuck. It's not depression, I think, I'm pretty sure I'm just out of spoons, but it sucks, and I can feel it trying to tug me back down into the grey sads.
    which is bullshit, because I'm graduating in like two months and there's a girl I'm talking to, and I know where I'm going to be like a year from now...
    But I just kind of want to take a nap for a week.
    I don't even know.
    I think it's getting better, because I get shots of "do something" that last for a few hours now, but my entire brain is kind of how it feels when you fuck up a tendon in your hand and the entire thing just fuses together.

    Somewhere along the way I think I sprained my motivation.
  3. Petra

    Petra space case

    Yeah, I'm going to make an appointment with my psych. I just wish medication weren't such a song and dance of trial and error.

    And oooh, that sounds nasty. I know what that's like, and it's never good. 'Spraining your motivation' is a good way to sum it up, actually - you try too hard and then burn out?
    • Like x 1
  4. kmoss

    kmoss whoops

    Medication is lamesauce. Hopefully adjusting it will help, but if it doesn't, you might have to keep messing with it, which SUCKS.

    Yeah. I keep forgetting the first thing they taught us in Abnormal Psych: Good stress is still stress. But tonight I get to hang out with a friend I haven't seen in a while, and do my laundry at her place, and she has a very comfy couch, so I might bounce stuff off of her.

    (she's the kind of offensively cheery person that doesn't require other people to keep her cheerful, so you can just be a lump and she'll still putter around talking about her work, so it's really nice.)
  5. Kaylotta

    Kaylotta Writer Trash

    thiiiiiiis. this is my day today. i did 2.5 hours of work-work, which is great, and better than i usually do, but i've got 0 left. ugh. and there's interesting stuff i could be doing - the Homestuck pendants, writing fanfic, worldbuilding, games - but ... i just ... i dunno. if i sleep i'm gonna fuck up my sleep schedule even more.
  6. albedo

    albedo metasperg

    Yeah, this. I'm on sertraline now, so things are managed much better than they were this fall - I spent a month literally not doing anything but work, because I didn't even have enough spoons to read after that. But I'm tired of being adult and dealing with the fallout, and always maturely prioritizing work and getting enough sleep and eating right and exercising and having to be so damn careful all the time. Feels like the work list never ends, sometimes, and I'm tired and lonely and low on spoons. Sigh. It's mostly that I fucked up my sleep schedule this weekend, and I know it, but I'm in kind of a grey mood right now. =_=
  7. rorleuaisen

    rorleuaisen Frozen Dreamer

    Why hello! That sounds pretty much like my life last year. Add in brain numbingly staring at tumblr in my "free time" and I think we're set!
  8. albedo

    albedo metasperg

    Heh, that too. I can always tell when I'm depressed because I start bingewatching reality tv.
    • Like x 2
  9. Aya

    Aya words words words

    If I rated my depression on a 1-10 scale every day, and counted the number of hours I spent on tumblr every day, I think they'd track together real nice.
    • Like x 2
  10. Meagen Image

    Meagen Image Well-Known Member

    I find it difficult to distinguish the following states:

    1) I am physically tired, and need rest or food.
    2) I am mentally exhausted and need sleep.
    3) I am depressed and need comfort.

    Any of these makes me lethargic, messes with my focus, and makes it difficult to enjoy things. And they always seem to end up causing each other.
    • Like x 2
  11. siveambrai

    siveambrai Negative Karma Engine nerd.professor.gamer

    So as an actual professor at a university I just want to say that this is really, really good advice. I have my own struggles with anxiety and depression and stress management and I know that its not uncommon among my profession. A lot of your teachers will be able to understand what you're going though because we've been there. Just letting us know means that we can work with you to make sure you keep up or extend the deadlines on things so that you can finish after the semester ends or at the very least get you started on the process to withdraw from the semester for health reasons (in extreme cases). We are there to support our students and want to see all of you succeed. Make use of us as a resource to help.
    • Like x 3
  12. Re Allyssa

    Re Allyssa Sylph of Heart

    I have an essay to write and it's not hard, I just need to get the words out, but my motivation is GONE.
    The last few weeks have been pretty good with the whole motivation + depression thing. But then, it was a week out from spring break and so my brain just went "nope! no more work!!!" uggghhh no brain I have Things to do staaahp.

    Also with the things being good, my brain is also telling me that I'm just lazy and not actually depressed anymore, which isn't helping.
  13. albedo

    albedo metasperg

    Ugh. I've been super tired for a couple of weeks, and I'm not sure if it's because I've been overloaded and off my sleep schedule, or if there's something wrong with my anti-depressant dosage. :\ I think it's just the former, because I have been overloaded and off schedule, and the anti-depressants have been fine at this dose for four months, but... Great, time to fret over things. And remember to set up a damned psych appointment during business hours.

    Any thoughts from folks who are on SSRIs? Am I just worrying too much?
  14. Kaylotta

    Kaylotta Writer Trash

    @albedo: I am pretty new to the SSRI scene - but I did notice that for a few weeks, when I did get off my sleep schedule (like severely), I was way more tired than I remembered being when similar things happened off-meds. I was taking my meds (citalopram) before bed, which was meaning 3-4 in the morning ... and when I started, I took them when I got up, and I was so drowsy I switched to evenings. I've worked my sleep schedule back (also, I skipped a day of meds and started taking them at 10pm ish), and I'm taking mine between 10-12 usually, and I've noticed being a lot less sleepy, even with the occasional late night (1-2).

    Dunno if that helps, but anecdata I guess.
  15. albedo

    albedo metasperg

    Helpful anecdata; thanks! Taking them at night might be worthwhile; I just get an upset stomach if I don't take them with food, so I usually have them right before breakfast.

    I'm not as tired as I get without Awesome Brain Drugs, but insomnia/tiredness makes me worry because it's my primary symptom at this point. So... ugh. Hopefully everything's working and this will resolve soon.
  16. Kaylotta

    Kaylotta Writer Trash

    I also had this issue for a bit, but I found it worse in the morning. If I still get nausea, I sleep through it. (benefits of having a female reproductive system - you get used to abdominal bullshit ;) ) I hope it gets better for you!
  17. albedo

    albedo metasperg

    (Benefits of wonky hormones: no more cramps. I've gotten SO wimpy.)

    Thanks; I hope so too. :) My stomach really doesn't like medication, but at least the upset isn't too bad anymore.
  18. Petra

    Petra space case

    Haven't been able to make an appointment yet. I can only do it on the weekend when my ride can check her schedule, and I forgot last weekend. Bluh.
  19. Morven

    Morven In darkness be the sound and light

    The best medication that I've so far found for me is citalopram (Celexa). The biggest negative is how badly it kills the physical libido. Although not necessarily bad considering; I find it helps to relieve dysphoria a little because of that (fewer unwelcome reminders of hardware). Prozac made me jittery-nervous, but apparently it's generally better for people whose depression features lassitude rather than anxiety, and mine is more the anxious sort.
  20. Petra

    Petra space case

    Ah, yeah, I'm on citalopram, venlafaxine, and abilify. My depression is hardcore. :P
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