I had a weird depression day a couple days ago. My parents were getting on my case about "leaning on depression too much" and "you are not trying hard enough to fight your depression", which made me more depressed. I did my usually distract-self-from-world-with-pointless-games for awhile but I was extremely dissatisfied. So I started wandering the house and saw my cat laying on the bathroom floor. I decided that I would join her on hard ceramic tile floor. And I just laid there thinking about how utterly depressed I was, about how sad it was that I was laying on the bathroom floor. My kitty left me after a bit, and I just continued to lay there. I eventually(not really sure how long) decided to get up after marinating in my sadness for awhile. The weird part is I felt better. I suspect my brain has some weird cross connection thing because I love sad things, and I think that might be why it made me feel better. Not really sure.
I've wondered about Abilify since I know it's responsible for one of my favorite authors' newfound ability to churn out books rather than get lost in pits of depression, but I don't know if I want to risk breaking what's mostly working for me.
Relevant quote from Adventures in Depression, paraphrased - "Trying to willpower your way out of depression is like an armless man trying to punch themselves into having arms. A critical component of the equation is missing and it just isn't going to work."
Yeah, I'd definitely talk with your doctor. It was wonderful at first for me, like walking on clouds made of 'actually having emotions', but the effect has worn off over time and I need a dose tweakage. The advantage is, hopefully a small dose won't break things too badly if it doesn't work?
So the irony of that statement is my mom said it to me. She is currently severly depressed. She was actually commited a month ago it was so bad, and she still hasn't recovered from it. Also of note: she apologized for getting on my case later that day.
Spoiler: TMI discussion of libido Not to minimize your negatives, but I would actually kind of like that. =_= The Zoloft is dampening mine a little, but I have an exasperatingly high libido, probably for hormone reasons. After a while it just gets to be an annoying timesink. Zoloft is working out pretty well for me so far, but I haven't actually tried anything else. I have had anxiety issues, and I get the impression that Zoloft is the go-to for that kind of depression where possible. Yeah, I do the same thing. Overly happy stuff makes me feel anxious and miserable because hindbrain says, WE ALL KNOW THE WORLD ISN'T REALLY LIKE THAT, IT IS A PLACE OF SADNESS AND WOE.
so - general question - at what point can you tell if a brain med is "working"? like ... i can tell that i don't hate myself anymore, when i dip down i can actually get back up without three weeks off, and i can squeeze a few hours of productivity out of myself. but...is there more? what's 'normal'? what should I be aiming for? i've almost never liked work. is that because i'm not doing what my brain wants, or is it because depression's a bastard and i'm not getting the full dose of brain chemicals that i would be if they weren't massively unbalanced? I would love to have enough spoons to: -write for an hour or so -do five hours of work -make breakfast, lunch, and dinner -hang out with J -practice for an hour -have some free time ...whereas my current list is more like -do two hours of work -make breakfast and dinner, warm up leftovers for lunch -score study/listening practice for half an hour -hang out on Internet but my old list was -hang out on internet -binge work when deadline came up -cook every few days and eat leftovers so... i don't know what I should be aiming for? is my top list too much to hope for? i just don't know. i have no frame of reference. (there are so many question marks in this post.)
@Kaylotta: not really sure whether there's any good way to tell if you could get more from it or not, but it sounds like you're sufficiently far off your ideal list that it's at least worth trying some medication adjustments.
Sorry, that was probably a dumb thing to say; I'm in a complaining mood today, but not really the place. Anyway. Yeah, dosage adjustments sound like a reasonable thing in that situation, at least to see if things can be improved.
@Petra maybe. This isn't her first rodeo with depression and she's been through the system enough that she's very familiar with what is and isn't possible/affective. And she has some terrible self-esteem to go with it as well(not one of my problems). The thing is our depressions are very different. She feels very much trapped and worthless. She often talks about her dreams and how they are never going to happen, so what's the point of living? I don't have much for dreams. I continue functioning like a little robot. I know how to craft and keep a routine, despite having no end goal. Extra things that don't fit in my routine don't happen because that takes effort. So, I think she knows I'm depressed, but she sees that I am clearly functional, so I should function in a cure. Or something like that.
Nah, that makes sense to me. Kinda the same way crying makes you feel better? You need to let your emotions out somehow... I know there are days where I wish I could afford to just wallow in my sadness for a few hours, but because work, I can't afford to take that time off... That's gotten better for me at least. Hi, yes. Same question here. I've been depressed for so long I kinda forgot what normal feels like. I managed to stand up for myself at the doctor today and got him to let me try Abilify and see if that helps some.
That sorta makes sense, except I thought crying was more about the chemical release? I really wish I could get myself to cry sometimes, because it definately helps. :c
She may have been talking to you-as-proxy-for-herself more that actually to you in that case. The "just not trying hard enough!" sounds very familiar to be depression-headspace selftalk and can confirm as total bullshit. /edit: aaaand i missed petra saying the same thing, my bad. Welp. Generic sympathy?
@Kaylotta I know that feel. I started getting treatment before I'd turned 15 - it was just biweekly therapy, no meds involved, but starting that early had its benefits - and, well, I'm a very "functioning" person? I can keep up with college and multiple jobs and I wash myself every day and my apartment, although messy, is always clean, and I feed my cats, and I cook at home at least once a week so leftovers can last me for at least another meal. I never spent a whole day in bed unless I also had some physical sickness going on. I have friends I love. I am able to art, although not nearly as much as I'd like to. But I'm always constantly tired and often not very hopeful. I can feel happy, but even as I do that, it doesn't seem like something that will... carry on past the specific moment in which happything is happening? To be honest, if I had to live the rest of my life like this, it'd be OK. But I keep wondering if it could get better, because I know how hard it is to live like this, and then I wonder... what would better even be like? I've just started on antidepressants, but I don't dare to even hope.
Its amazing how far past hope putting one foot in front of the other will take you. When my depression sticks its head up and I start being like "whats even the point of (doing x)? Nothing matters and Im going to be like this until I die," being able to say "put your meds in your mouth anyway" is my best tool. Mind, if I ignore that insteuction or things get too bad too fast, then no amount of pushing myself around works, but for that mild stage, sheer stubbornnes is pretty great.
I have spent months with my therapist on that very goddamn question. I've had ADHD since I was born, had issues with anxiety as long as I can remember, and hit massive depression at puberty, and I have no idea what to expect from myself. I don't think there's an easy answer to any of this, and I don't think I'm going to quit spending nights crying over this very thing anytime soon. For me it's been helpful to reframe the question a little bit, and think of it in terms of "what do I want to be able to do" instead of "what can normal people do". Because 1) normal people don't even exist and 2) various mental illness bullshit fucked around with my development long enough that trying to compare me to the Standard Chart of What People are Supposed to be Capable of Doing is pointless anyway. YMMV, but I think it's more important to be able to get the pieces of your life together such that you can get where you want to be anyway, rather than where you think you're supposed to go.
