you know what's the best? (and by "the best" i mean "the worst.") when my brain interprets hot + high heart rate (from exercising) as "you're about to have a panic attack" even though it doesn't feel anything like that, and starts conveniently sending me depressive downward spiral thoughts. i made it shut up by taking a sliver of antianxiety, that calms down the overwhelming static distraction of those intrusive thoughts, but still, it's just. so tiring. to just. hear my brain trying to kill me by literally telling me "you're worthless, unemployed, and homeless" like thanks tell me something i don't already know
Burst into very hard crying today while talking with my husband about the future and how tenuous our entire security and comfort is. Anxiety flare up had me panicking over the future -- we're both disabled, my husband more than me, and I take care of him, but we're both getting older and I don't know how I'll be able to keep taking care of him as my body seems to fall apart more and more. Lots of visions of a future of living out of our van for some reason, and I guess things being tight financially have gotten to me more than I thought. So my meds needing adjusted + stress + period = BAAWWWWWWWWWWWW Goddamn do I wish I were a capable adult with a handle on life.
Suddenly hit with another wave of this... tired feeling of hopelessness and exhaustion with a dash of self loathing. I am so tired of this "being alive" thing, but don't want to kill myself and hurt people who care about me. Really feeling this part of the hyperbole and a half depression comic right now:
just n fyi so nobody has to worry about me: I have no intention of killing myself tonight. I am gonna sleep this off like I always do. and tomorrow I'll do something nice like eat some ice cream, or look at the leaves on trees, and feel grateful that I could experience that moment.
hey look at me! not being all dead and shit. so far today has been ok. pretty hungry waiting for this breakfast to cook. distracting myself with fanart of my gay OTPs (you know, as one often does.)
I'm. So. Tired. have been for days. sleeping 12 hours if i can get away with it. still tired during the day. don't know if it's a low-grade cold or something similar, or if it's a depressive episode without the concurrent misery (since i'm on SSRIs), or if it's a side effect of raising my dose a few weeks ago ... but man i'm tired. zero motivation. massive project due at the end of the month.
I also find that the more things i have to get done, and the longer i've been working on them, the less i want to finish them so it could also be a little of that *potentially comforting headbunp*
usually school is the one thing I can pull myself together for. Despite being depressed, anxious, etc. I always focus really hard and dedicate my energy to it and pull off A's and B's. But right now I have homework, and I havn't done it yet. I go to school and I feel like I ran out of energy. Like, just doing my usual thing of sitting and listening and doodling (maybe taking notes if it's a more difficult class) took away any energy I had to do other things. It's a new school, I transferred in at higher level courses, and the instructors just think "oh well most of the class knows how to do (this online format thing that I have no idea how to set up or what to do) for all their work so I don't have to explain anything!" So I'm sitting here like "oh fuck I gotta learn how to set up all this bullshit and I have no idea what I'm doing?? and then I have to do this thing that actually requires brain power afterwards?? and I have very little energy after class anyways?? oh fuck my life I am going to eat chips and nap."
I'm a fucking idiot! I've been off my meds for far longer than I thought, constantly putting off getting a new packet because effort required to get in a car and drive, but I thought to myself, "it's fine, the meds are still in my system, I can wait until I feel better" but then lo and fucking behold, I kept not getting better! I kept getting worse! "What's going on???" I asked myself from the bottom of the fucking barrel. "My meds must need to be adjusted, they aren't working anymore" and meanwhile I've been OFF THEM. FOR CLOSE TO A MONTH. *flips desk* I've got new ones waiting for me at walmart tomorrow. But this is me publicly declaring my idiocy so the next time I come into this thread to whine about my meds not working, someone can slap me upside the head and yell at me to take my goddamn pills.
Oh man. I've been off my depression meds for... god, weeks. The pharmacy says they have no record of the prescription, even though I'm sure I dropped it off (well before my other one ran out) and they said I could call and have them fill it whenever I needed to. But idek, maybe I imagined that or messed it up somehow? Anyway I've gotten to enjoy the feeling of becoming more and more unmedicated, to the point where I should probably ramp back up gradually if when I finally get meds again. Being unmedicated sucks, how did I ever live like this? Among other things, it makes it harder to work on getting my meds back. D-X
Oh man these recent posts are making me feel better. I'm coming off my meds bc I kept delaying finding a new doctor after my old one moved out of state and my prescription just ran out. I had forgotten that one of the off label uses for duloxetine was for nerve pain, so I kept wondering "why are my hands hurting so much more than normal?" duuuuuuh
today's the day I am really frustrated and hating myself. Like, not just talking trash aout myself in my head but physically feeling pissed off at myself and how terrible I am.
Wweh, I hate how any time I get a migraine I get weird and self hatey and depressed Especially because it's like one day usually. Other people get nauseated and it lasts for like a week or something. Mine aren't even that bad. *sighs at own brain*
Oh no fuck I am on a downward emotional spiral I don't know how I am gonna go eat dinner without worrying my parents by looking all depressed and shit. They know what I look like when I'm upset (my lack of affect fools most people, but not them). Ugh why can't I be a good person
oh noooo darling, havign a bad day isn't your fault and I'm pretty sure your parents would worry one way or another. It's kinda a thing most parents do. downward emotional spirals suck horribly :( *hugs if you wanna?*
thank you. I feel like a jerk for making people feel sad for me though :( edit: haha og geez I tried mimicking my usual happy voice and my mom thought I was annoyed at her OOP.
I ate dinner successfully without worrying anyone (unsure if that is a good thing or a bad thing) and I ate some ice cream. Kitty is laying on the bed with me and I feel a little better. The only problem is that kitty is being a total blanket hog and it's kinda chilly in my room.
