Adventures in Depression

i missed a dose of meds and now i can feel a mounting unhappiness and uncertainty about all my major decisions, and knowing that it'll go away as soon as this batch kicks in isn't helping. mostly i'm feeling really resentful of the fact that i have to take them or wind up like this.

 

college is so fucking exhausting and stressful right now and I only started this semester. The prospect of going to school day after day... and then repeating the same thing next semester... and the next one after that... I just want to be done already. I should have taken some time off after getting my 2 year degree, but how was I supposed to predict that the thing that kept me going for years is now burning me out.

 

the rational part of me is saying these thoughts and feelings are just depression and are probably worse than usual because PMDD, but the other rational part of me is saying that life is awful and I'm never going to amount to anything.

 

ok so the bad news is that I failed my test really badly and I am doing horrible in that class despite my best efforts and that immediately triggered suicidal thoughts.

the good news is between thoughts like "if I die than I won't have to worry about any of this stuff" with bonus points "if I die right now than I won't hav to worry about classes later" I had rational thoughts like "wow ok so what I've been doing is definitely not sustainable I've hit my wall on how much I can deal with on my own I better go make an appointment with counselling services" and as you can clearly see I am still alive so...

 

The last long depressive spell I had was summer of my Sophomore year in college; I'm a senior now, so that's been about two years, which is good! Sometimes though I still get hit by days of just general self loathing and lack of energy to do anything, and it's terrifying. I don't think the general daily social anxiety helps much either. I've just had one of those spells for the past week or so, and it feels like slipping back into a hole.

It was actually during sophomore year that I started visiting the campus counseling services, but the person I had was an intern and left after that year. And I couldn't really get myself to go back there again until this year. The school year has barely started and I already feel the stress and pressure hitting me.

I just don't trust myself alone with my thoughts right now, I guess.

 

Got hella depressed my senior year of college (2012/2013), was probably depressed before that but that's when the suicidal ideation started. Tried to handle it by seeing a therapist through the school, helped a little, managed not to die or flunk out. Graduated. Had a minor breakdown that summer, started seeing an actual psychologist that fall.

Got diagnosed with dysthemia and got an additional medication, saw her twice a month for about a year. I don't think the therapy helped my depression, the medication did. The therapy DID help my anxiety, which was only now treatable because the depression was being helped by the medicine. I applied for a job that January 2014 and got it and kept it, none of which I think would have happened without the meds and therapy.

This spring I applied for grad school, which I had all sorts of hang ups about, and I got in. A little bit after, my insurance ran out, and there went the meds.

I could really tell the difference in my ability to function once the meds were out of my system. It never got as bad as it was in 2013, but it was hella different. Still somehow managed to arrange moving myself across the entire county.

Moved in now, away from stressful dysfunctional family. (This is the first time I've ever called my family dysfunctional, but I'm renting a room fr a different family and... yeah...) Brain stuff still not great, but the change of environment has been a great help. I'd say I'm operating at... 80% capacity? right now. Still haven't gotten my meds back, need to get on that. I think I would do better with them.

TLDR meds + therapy + getting away from dysfunctional family = HELLA

EDIT: still cursed by the location of the post button

 

I keep having good days* and thinking "maybe I don't need medication. Things are fine the way they are. I don't want to change things." and then I have negative downswings and remember that this is not actually sustainable and I absolutely need to be in some kind of treatment because I am getting less and less rational when I am severely depressed and I am worried one of these days I'm going to fail a class and then end up killing myself in a "heat of the moment" suicide.

In order to help mitigate this I have come up with a game plan if I fail this class and lose my scholarship, and that is to take a year off from school and work on stuff. Get a job at the pet store because I am passionate about pets and could probably sperg all day to customers who had questions. In order to facilitate this I will work on my driving phobia because in the USA you cannot live without driving unless you live in a major city. If I have the spoons for it between learning how to drive all over again and getting a job I will work on my art that I have sorely neglected for years. Hopefully I will have more spoons by then because I actually need to be in treatment/on medication for my anxiety and depression and I need to make that a priority.

Most importantly my life will not fucking end. My life will not be ruined forever. Even if I have to pay off my students loans until my grave and not even have a 4 year degree to show for it.

*good for me means "moderately depressed" to most people. One of the things I learned in therapy.

 

I'm in the same boat wrt that, my past few days have been pretty great by my standards but I'm supposed to see a doc on Tuesday and I'm lowkey freakin' bc what if I don't need it.....what if I'm wasting my mom's money.......

 

the good news is that I scheduled an appointment with the therapist at college

the bad news is the appointment is next week. I know I can walk in at any time if I am in a crisis but I feel like "crisis" implies a sense of urgency that I don't have.

 

I think this is a thing, I'd just like to check if it's a thing for anyone else

When you're deep down in the black pit for no good reason, do you seek out things that make you sad? I find myself drawn to thoughts and objects that remind me about old failures, breakups (well, just one so far), missed opportunities, shattered friendships... like worrying at a sore tooth with your tongue.

I know it's unhealthy and the opposite of cognitive behavioral therapy. It's just that when you're in that empty desolate aching space, it's somehow better if it makes sense. The pain's coming from somewhere instead of meaningless background radiation.

Reading back over this it's like "THINKING ABOUT SAD THINGS MAKES ME SAD, WHY??" But it's not that simple. It's a weird reversal of cause and effect. Am I making any sense? I'm already sad and tired and so I try to justify it in this terrible vicious cycle.

 

I have had that. I don't so much do it anymore, but I used to. So, you're not alone

 

@The Frood Abides: YES. I don't do it very often nowadays, but I know exactly what you mean. Since I'm on antidepressants now I'm not affected in the same way by sad think that I was when super depressed, so I just occasionally get these absolutely ridiculous days when my brain only wants to dwell on sad things, but I'm not actually that sad, so I'm like "ok brain but could you please focus on this cool and interesting thing that I'm trying to enjoy" and my brain goes "uh NO" and goes back to the sad things. Why does that happen? I have no idea.

 

finally had my first appointment, it was just a "meet an go over your concerns and get info before coming up with a regular appointment schedule" and I was painfully honest about the depression thing.

Painfully honest because I never tell anyone irl about how "bad" my depression gets. I don't want to worry people and to me depression is the background radiation of my life and I don't want to freak people out over something that I've adapted to and... while it's "a big deal" I don't have this sense of urgency about it. I want to fix it so I can maybe not be disabled but other than that it's the life I've always known an sorta resigned myself to. It wasn't comfortable but I figure if I've learned anything from the ongoing tumblr drama is that you can't get proper help from medical professionals if you are not honest with them or leave out details. Some of the stuff I didn't want to talk about in detail but she could respect that. Over all it went pretty well!

 

My worst years are behind me (haven't been suicidal since maybe sophomore year and I stopped self-harming perhaps a year and a half ago?)

Now that I'm in college it's a lot better because I'm not around people who go "why don't you ever come out of your room" "let me check your grades and then yell at you for an hour" "the ongoing adventures of stepmom being bitch to me and brother" so that's helpful. It's now just anxiety about doing homework/keeping up on schoolwork and making it to class WHICH I AM ACTUALLY OK AT WHEN MY ALARMS GO OFF which they haven't for two days which fucked up my schedule but I reset them completely so fingers crossed.

My first test came out good, but I do need to start turning in essays and such. I wish I could tell me 13-17 year old self that its not about going from 25 percent to 100 percent all at once, its about going as slow as you need to and to keep trying inasmuch as you can without breaking down and hiding under the covers or crying. and that 70 percent across the board is better than two B classes, a D class, and an F. I can't be a straight A student but I can pass. If only I could get my dad to understand that :( I'm bad at talking to him.

 

Man...... So depression stories. So apparently I've had issues with depression since I was a very small child, and just kind of...kept going cause I thought it was normal. And you know that moment you have when you put on glasses for the first time and everything's clear? It was like that, when I first started seeing improvements from meds. Like this dawning wonder that it can be anything but awful and dark and nasty. And I guess I'm saying this now cause I'm trying to remind myself that it's not a forever horrible thing, that I will feel better, just right now sucks balls.

 

Spoiler: suicidal thoughts

it'd be great if I could have a response to driving school that wasn't just a screaming loop of kill yourself now!!! this is definitely the reasonable option!

wow, my life might actually be on track if I didn't react with absolute panic and despair at things that might actually help me. (edit: including good news; I started shaking/nearly crying because mom found a new job. change is awful and I want to go back to bed.)

 

how are you supposed to "feel" when you're on meds? i see a lot of people posting about how it's like suddenly you realize things are things you can do, and that glasses comment, and stuff like that.

meds make me functional, but i'm not... like there's no veil that went up and suddenly i can feel things or whatever. it's just now i can make my body do what i tell it to do. i'm not especially happy or anything. my default is just... not having emotions, i guess. it's still hard to make myself shower. it's still hard to make myself food and keep on a schedule. i'm on six medications. how can i still be depressed.

i've been depressed (dysthymic?) my entire goddamn life. i have no benchmark for how it feels to be not-depressed. i'm not sure if my meds are it, but they're working because they allow me to work. (i was off meds because of pharmacy fuckup two years ago and i am pretty much completely emotionally wrecked without them.)

idk. maybe i'm just not in a good place in my life, because the best times i've had were last summer when i was working and had a job and wasn't doing school and had income coming in and went out with friends even on weeknights and had a schedule and a purpose in my life. i'm very frustrated and because of my mood issues i'm despairing that i'll ever find a job and shit.

 

I don't have much to add, @pixels, except that damn do I ever feel ya. I have noticed that I have less impending doom and despair on my meds, but I'm not ... sunshine and rainbows. Nor am I ... happy? I'm just. I just am. As opposed to wanting to not be, I guess. I have also been dysthymic/depressed pretty much forever (I remember similar feelings as far back as 5-6 ish, possibly earlier), and so also don't have any sort of idea what 'normal' is. I know what manic feels like, but not normal.

I don't know if it could be an issue of different med/more med. I started on 20mg citalopram, and noticed that while I didn't hit rock bottom as often, I still felt unhappy and anxious most of the time, and executive dysfunction was still very much a thing. I moved up to 30mg a few months ago, and the executive dysfunction is a lot easier to deal with - it's still there, it's just easier to overcome most of the time. It's easier for my brain to put together "hey if you put a podcast on you won't mind doing the dishes and the cat litter" or "hey actually talking to people isn't going to kill you" and so on and so forth. But I'm still not happy. I don't think I feel like Jesse has talked about. And I haven't done the psych med dance, and because I'm just starting my Master's of Music, I don't think now's the time to start (unless something goes to shit). I would consider doing the dance in the future, but not without talking thoroughly to my doctor (and maybe another doctor or two) and doing research and talking to lots of people (including therapists and such).

...'cause... well, that veil lifting sounds really nice. Enjoying life on a regular basis sounds really nice. I think I would like that. I mean - if what I've got is what I've got, I'm pretty sure I could exist with it. I'm honing my coping mechanisms and I'm exercising my life skills and self-care, and I'm fairly certain that things are likely to keep getting better. But - damn, being happy with life? Being content? It seems like a literally unreal experience. I don't understand how that can exist. I did my Bachelor's unmedicated. I got married unmedicated (and successfully navigated a 6.5-year relationship up until that). I went on my honeymoon unmedicated. And I can't help but wonder if things could have been so much better.

I dunno. I totally kinda hijacked your post. Sorry. >_> *hugs*