Eh, I wouldn't say it's a veil lifting type of thing, but more like.....everything is a little less difficult, a little less glass on nerves, as you work out what med(s) is/are right, and then you have this one day where everything's kind of okay. I don't think it's like non-depressed people's great day, I don't really have a comparison, but it's a day where it hurts less to do everything, where for once you just feel like living is the okay decision, and are amazed by how easy it is to enjoy stuff, and stuff tastes a little better, and bad shit doesn't knock you down as hard. And it may not even last a whole day, and you may find yourself back at square one the very next day, as down in the depression hole as you ever were, but suddenly you actually have a mild idea of what life possibly could be, something to hope for. Like before it was "It's always been this way, and it will always be this way, and there's no escape" and now you know that there is a possibility at a life that isn't.....I don't even have words for it. And the one extra bit I can add here is it kind of sounds like both of you are in the process of getting there? Like, you're not there yet (And really, I'm not that far ahead of you in figuring out meds and how to be okay with life), but it sounds like you're definitely working towards it? And that's awesome, and I really hope that it's not far away for either of you. *offers both of you hugs*
i can tell i'm in the early stages of a down swing but i just feel so whatever about it. like i went from a good couple of weeks of feels ranging from moderate to fairly good to.. not much. i can always tell that i'm starting to nosedive when i go from a few days or weeks of 'lots of stuff i can do, i'm not really bored, i'm actually excited to do x y and z while i also take care of some stuff i need to take care of..' to 'wow i'm sitting at my computer for hours doing nothing, i get this gross internal twinge whenever i think about starting something to try to have fun and get my mind off things, so i'll just sit here and be bored and feel uncomfortable'..
@Aniseed Yup I know there are like a billion things i could do that would be productive or enjoyable but instead i just kind of. sit here.
depression is fucking surreal with it's moon logic. Self hate game so strong that a tenacity to keep living is a failure cuz I'm doing depression wrong. I can't do poetic sorrow like Sylvia Plath either because my writing abilities are breaking down just like my drawing abilities? What can I do? What am I good for besides clinging to life? Even moss can do that.
Do you ever just sit and think "why am I such legitimately terrible person?" 11 years worth or growing and coping and I am still in the same place I was as a kid, wondering why I feel like monster all the time. Telling myself that it's not rational don't help. It doesn't change the way I feel, Even if I know that these thoughts are because of depression, that doesn't change my convictions that they are 100% the truth. It's like the rational part of me is saying "I'm not a bad person" and the other rational part of me is saying "no actually, you're a horrible waste of everything, and here's why:"
@liminal yeah, i often have those thoughts. it hasn't really gotten 100% better for me, but they mostly now just crop up when i'm really in a bad way. for that kind of the thing the only thing that can really even begin to quiet those thoughts and what has made them a bit less common really is just being mindful about it. it sounds like you're already working at that a bit.. honestly the best you can really do is continue to correct yourself over and over again, and hopefully the thoughts become less common. but without treating the actual underlying depression only so much can really be done, idk if you're doing any therapy or medication or anything. another thing in a similar vein that can help a bit is that 'inner child' stuff. you mostly hear it in regards to trauma and abuse recovery, but it can absolutely be a help to sort of 'split off' when you're having bad thoughts and take care of yourself the way you'd take care of somebody you like if they were upset. your depression-brain says one thing about how much it hates itself and nobody likes it, you just sort of pat it on the back and tell it that well a few people do like it and care about it. and so on.
Yeah, I am in therapy right now, most of it (like, 99.99%) is related to mindfulness. I just keep getting frustrated because I keep hitting this wall where I can separate myself from these depressive thoughts (though sometimes it takes awhile) and it leads to having two trains of thought at once that both seem and feel like they are perfectly rational and reasonable. Knowing that one of them is not doesn't change that delusional feeling that it is. Mindfulness basically helps me take note of the symptoms, what triggers them, and I can usually figure out how to deal with them through trial and error, but so far I am getting very mixed results on how effective it is. Traditionally, it has helped me a great deal with/basically cures my anxiety until it pops up somewhere else like mental illness whack-a-mole (I used to have really bad anxiety, to the point where I couldn't leave my house. Now I have a new an exciting flavor of panic to deal with that is completely different, but I am managing a lot better now that I am in therapy.) But it doesn't do jack shit for most of my depression symptoms, other than realize that they are not rational. In a way I guess that is a huge deal, but I have a loooong way to go when it comes to actually resolving anything. I still deal with all the symptoms on a daily basis, occasionally go a week of feeling sorta ok about everything, and then relapse into a more severe depression, all without any changes in my own thought patterns or behavior to bring it on. It's pretty frustrating that my brain keeps holding me hostage.
in a depressive episode but not sure if it's just typical or what i went to the doctor the other day for some lady problems and got blood work and such done but she gave me a prescription for birth control in order to try to make my period regular it could be a result of the birth control but it's honestly so hard to tell when i've always been depressed, so... i'm just trying to keep an eye on myself. so if it is medication and i start to swerve into 'very suicidal' territory i can get my partner to keep an eye on me or take me to the ER and stop the birth control. but i was already sort of starting a down swing a few days before i went to the doctor so it could just be that. i also got some brief phone news from the doctor that my thyroid levels were out of whack but we'll talk more at my next appointment next Thursday. i know thyroid levels can have an effect on depression and maybe that's why my depressed down swings have felt a bit worse and a bit more frequent. i know if i got on medication for that it will possibly help a bit, but i've been depressed and anxious and traumatized for far longer than i've had thyroid troubles, so i still need to actually go to a therapist.
@Aniseed - Going on birth control definitely affected my depression negatively. On the other hand, going on thyroid medication helped make my depression more manageable - a lot of the apathy and fatigue I was feeling was alleviated by my thyroid levels being closer to normal! And after the first month, the effects of the birth control went away. So basically, you are doing everything right to keep an eye on it, and you might be able to look forward to thyroid medications making things easier even if not all better!
trying to motivate myself to do something I hate and have basically given up on is hard enough, but doing it when I am more depressed than usual is practically impossible. I can't even motivate myself to do the things I LIKE. Just a slow shuffle of pointless, mindless bullshit until I die.
ok so. against all odds, my depression is getting worse and worse. sleeping issues setting in, feeling achey, executive function issues, obsessed with (my own) death. Ithink the breaking point tonight when I realize something was Really Wrong was when my mom was unsure what february would be like for her since she wants to start doing charity work around that time due to reasons and I thought "hmm. I don't know if I'll even be alive in february, so I dunno what I'll be doing either" an also how I wished I could die an have an ientical me replace me so I wouln't have to live anymore but my family wouldn't have to suffer for it. I keep wanting to tell them....but it's like there is a wall of anxiety there. it's like the natural instinct small animals have to mask their illness. So yeah I have conceling on thursday anyways, but I am really tempted to go in as a crisis tomorrow if I don't feel better. I don't have this sense of urgency that makes me hesitant to call it a crisis, but I'm afraid by the time I hit actively suicidal it'll be way too late to be reasoned with.
I think this is definitely a reason to go in as a crisis. To me that sounds like you have a right to.
well the good news is that today was a lot better than yesterday, so no crisis for me! therapy appointment is tomorrow and I didn't do my "homework" for that yet. Not only that but I've been pretty bad about writing in my journal the past few days even when I should be keeping track of these things! D: I think she'll understand though, I mean, she'd be a pretty crappy therapist otherwise
This is a fantastic poem. Her twitchiness drives me insane (had to watch with my hand covering her), but the message is powerful.
I hate life, I hate Christmas, I hate medical emergencies, I hate not being able to plan my days, I hate my plans getting upended, I hate everyone on the planet, I hate everything.
well today was my first day of meds, just got perscribed 25mg of zoloft, super low dose to ease me in.....i'm a little apprehensive i guess? mainly because i'm not sure what to expect, i have no idea what it feels like to be NOT anxious or depressed, so. wish me luck i guess haha! anyone here have any past experiences with zoloft? the only thing i know about it is that it worked really well for many years for my mom, so.
Yup, I'm on it. I get a little gastrointestinal upset if I don't take it with food, but that's the main side effect. Started getting more energy after two or three days, which became jitters for a day or two. Otherwise, no big deal. The big thing with SSRIs is that they can cause bad effects if you're actually bipolar, so if you start feeling manic or suicidal, you should talk to the psychiatrist. (I also think that it interacted badly with large amounts of caffeine, in the first couple weeks; I got really, really fidgety and agitated for a few hours, one day. Not sure about that. :\) For me, it wasn't like 'oh man, your personality's TOTALLY DIFFERENT'. It was just... having enough energy and executive function that I could work on getting better. Jumper cables, not a new car, if that... makes any sense.
@albedo thank you! i took it with breakfast this morning, and i drink coffee very rarely, so those shouldn't be problems. that does make sense, and that's honestly the goal! ...though i am concerned because there is a decent amount of bipolar in my family, the psych who perscribed is aware of it, so is my mom, so hopefully it is a complete non-issue or, at worse, i'm at a low enough dose right now that it won't be so bad if it is >__>
That's why they start you on such a low dose; it's literally the "so low that we'll nip any problems in the bud" dose. So you should be okay. :) Worst case, you have to try another med, which isn't the worst thing.
I am pretty sure my meds are starting to lose their effectiveness. I was doing ok for awhile too, but stress always pushes me over the edge. :'( I'll give myself some time (a couple of weeks maybe, unless I experience a dramatic downswing), and if things don't improve than fuck it, I'm calling it a crisis and going to the hospital. because I'm already lowkey suicidal and I can't keep dealing with this upswing downswing bullshit forever. still considering the possibility my brain is evolving like a pokemon and I've gone from depression to cyclothymia specifically because of the upswing downswing bullshit, but I'm gonna need to gather more data for that first. too bad I keep forgetting to write on my journal, leaving huge gaps in time. also my mom has noticed the change and is worried but she keeps asking me what's wrong and why I'm depressed and I keep telling her nothing is wrong? it has nothing to do with anyone? it just is. my therapist is like that too sometimes and she wants me to figure out what triggers my depressive episodes. but as far as I can tell it's just the normal stress life throws at you, if there is a reason. Sometimes I just start feeling like shit for no reason! but for some reason "my brain is stupid and it wants to kill me, it's just a thing that happens sometimes for no real reason" is a novel concept to a lot people.
