To be completely honest, I have a fear of trying new things. It makes me indecisive, and very timid with on the split decision making. It didn't bother me as much when I was younger but now that I'm older making any quick or long term decisions is a hassle. I hardly ever try new things, I go to the same places, I hardly ever deviate from my comfort zone. This has prevented me from forming some friendships and/or romantic relationships with people and trying new things because of my social anxiety. I'd definitely be described as a "homebody" and don't go out often because "hey do you want to hang out?" isn't a yes or no question it's a 15 part flow sheet that often results in me making up an excuse as to why I can't go. Am I going to be comfortable here, do I know the other people in the group, are all the people around nice people, am I going to say something stupid and embarrass myself, will I be hurt in this place, am I going to freak out and get all quiet? Just a multitude of things that go running through my mind whenever I'm asked something. It took me being friends with my now best friend 3 years before I was finally comfortable enough in his house to hang out over night. And I don't warm up to people very quickly. It takes me forever. My circle of friends is maybe a solid four people. It's honestly very frustrating and I'd like to be able to make quick decisions and do things on a whim but I just can't get out of my head. What can I do?
One tip: take short walks. Just get outside, walk for a bit, come back inside. Start with 5 minutes, perhaps. Try to pay attention to how you are feeling. Expand the time, a couple of minutes each time. This means you can try being outside, but you can still go home quickly if you feel bad. I think there's several things going on here, though. So I made up some questions so you can think about this more, if you like. I don't expect you to write me a novel about these, but maybe you would like to write answers to these for yourself? If handjournaling is a thing you can do, I do suggest it, because I've had some thinking/emotion related breakthroughs while handjournaling as well. It can be quite good. What would you like things to be like for you? In terms of having friends and knowing people? Do you feel you should be more socially active and go out more often? Do you think that is because you want to or because of social expectations? Are you afraid you will look silly or ridiculous when trying a new thing? Are you afraid of being judged by others? Does it feel like if your decision turns out badly it is a bad thing and you are bad? The thing about decisions for example is that, science says that it's better to make imperfect decisions than not to make decisions at all. As to other people? I can say that people are generally so focused on themselves that they pay quite little attention to others. If you get their attention by saying something embarrassing, it is likely they will forget quickly. How old are you? If I knew that, I could give you better advice, because some things do get better with time. Also, therapy? If it is an option for you. I am seeing a therapist, and she is helping me to untangle the last remains of the anxiety/inertia monster that sounds a bit similar to yours, so it might be helpful?
I'm 20. And yeah when it comes to decision making I've been trying to adopt the "Yesman" method and see where it takes me. Where I would normally think too long and eventually say no I have been trying to say yes more often than not (within reason) . And I would like to get better at this for me rather than for societal standards. I don't really enjoy being lonely but it's the place that doesn't change ya know? I know exactly what to expect when I'm alone. But I want to get out and try new things, and go new places, and be brave enough to ask someone on a date, or just ask someone to hang out. I'd like to be more spontaneous and less of a social cocoon and more of a butterfly. Once I get used to someone it's likely that we will be friends for a long time. The issue is getting there.
Okay. :) Well then I suggest exposing yourself to low-level, low-risk things first, and then gradually going further. One things is also that if you just go out once a week, and something unpleasant/weird happens during that time, it can color the whole going out or even the whole week. But if you go maybe twice a week, things can be different. Sometimes I also feel completely blah when out and come back home quickly, but I go out enough to know that this will not always happen. Best of luck to you!
Small update: I took up piano lessons and went on a walk across the university campus today. Nobody was there but the weather was nice and it felt good to get out. Baby steps :)
Awesome! Also re: learning something, sometimes there might be stretches where you don't feel like you're improving. I do recommend to keep going. Just make showing up count as a success, it's what I do with pilates. (I do need it, since health, but yeah.)
although i'm not seebs and therefore will not go "hmm sounds kinda autistic!" i can definitely relate to what you describe. i'm an autistic extrovert, and lemme tell you, that is a hard thing to be. i crave friend time, but i get overloaded so easily that i have to ration it. and i absolutely hear you on the 'too many decisions' part of going out. something that really works for me is to have a regular, scheduled activity with a few close friends. in my case it's a weekly fantroll session -- my best friends luka and aud come over, we order in or get takeout or cook something to eat together, and we sit around with our laptops scheming and roleplaying. it's enough sensory and processing stimulus that i couldn't do it more than once a week without ending up too overloaded to function, but it's low-stress and there's nothing in it to fear. i know there won't be any surprises, any tough decisions, any upsetting things to deal with. so i'm not anxious, and i can just enjoy myself. it makes my whole week brighter. not every social activity has to be pushing yourself out of your comfort zone. you can find something you enjoy and make that part of your routine, and gradually you'll become more and more comfortable with it until it doesn't ping your anxiety. the piano lessons sound like a good start, especially if you like your teacher and/or fellow students!
I went through kind of the same thing when I was 20! I didn't really know how to make friends in a non-school context. I also had fairly bad social anxiety, which was tied to my depression (when medicated I can generally remember that I'm awesome). So if your brain is doing things that seem disproportionate to facts, that's worth examining. But I'm going to also suggest getting a structured activity! Piano lessons sound cool, but that's one-on-one, right? I went and joined a writer's society (you can find them online, and some are on Meetup), which was a pretty big group, but the meetings were structured and had purpose. That also opened up sub-groups: I joined a critique group and the executive board and the literary magazine the group produced, and they were all groups of 3-10 people, which were easier to find friends in while still having activities be structured and with a definite end-point.
I have been getting out a little bit about once or twice a week and going to the local trading card store where I'll play with other people and participate in discussions about nearly anything. It helps being around people with common interests but it can be physically/mentally draining at the same time. So sometimes I end up leaving with a headache. Trying new things and getting less socially awkward is difficult but I'm trying. I still can't go most places without at least one very close friend with me. So when I want to go places I'll see if he wants to go along. That helps a lot having someone familiar in a foreign situation... I think he somewhat understands and that's why he tries to invite me places with him. It's a hard process but I'm taking baby steps. But I know I won't be able to rely on him forever so just have to keep trying.
Wow, you're improving so much! I am glad it's been working out. Sometimes it does overwhelm you and causes headaches, but just be careful to be nice to yourself and maybe try to figure out where your overload point is. It is always okay to leave even when you feel you just got there. If others are curious, you can always say there is a task or a job you need to do, and decent people will accept that. I am also happy you have a friend like that looking out for you. :) It can be weird going to places on your own anyway. I don't really go to the mtg store on my own unless I have a prearranged meeting with my friends because I am not really up to making friends with people I don't know at all. But I've made several playing acquaintances through a friend who plays as well and that's worked out well.
This is similar to my experience, to the point that I may create my own thread to not clutter this one. But yeah, I find it very difficult to simply Go Do Social.
This might not be helpful, but I was reminded of this today. I took drama classes in high school, and they really helped me overcome some of my social anxiety. Being in a situation where you have to perform or do strange things is scary, but if everyone else is also having to do them, it makes you feel less scared. If you meet up with a bunch of people frequently and you do silly things like crawl around on all fours and act like a bear, I think it can help you become comfortable around people because you learn that no one is going to judge you, because you're all being equally ridiculous. It's also a more structured way of interacting with people, since it's a class. So maybe doing group drama or acting classes could help you? Or just joining a community theatre group? I am not sure if that is even a thing you would be in to, but nwn;
I did actually do a drama club type thing back in the relative day. It helped me get over a good deal of my stage fright type stuff.
